[Top Gear Theme]
Tonight, James May faces trial by water,
James annoys a dog,
And James says "ow, ow, ow, ow ow"
As the loser of the previous challenge,
we decided to give James another chance.
After breaking his legs, of course.
Oh, cock.
First order of business is to figure out how to move.
Forward was easy enough, as attacking moves you forward.
Turning around however -
Why the bloody hell won't it turn round?
Fortunately, the hunter starts with a bow, which can be used to aim and -
Hang on, did -
[Crickets chirping]
It's all over, mate
Oh, cock.
Still, we can choose the binoculars as our starting gift.
It is so unbelievably slow,
but you do start with it from the get go.
Now for some basic tricks.
You can use backsteps instead for faster movement,
and use the lock on to turn around in a pinch.
Contrary to popular belief,
backsteps DO have i-frames.
Problem is, it's only four frames.
The more important aspect is
the near infinite poise you get during the starting frames.
After that, we can finally pick up our starting gear.
An upgrade, for sure,
but it wasn't going to make our lives easier any time soon.
"Ow!"
"[Bleep] thing"
And without any ranged options,
"Ow!"
even a simple bow hollow proved to be a challenge.
"Ow!"
At least we can get the jump on this guy.
Should be easy enough!
As it turned out, attacks that knock you backwards,
and not being able to move forward,
didn't mix too well!
Oh, cock.
There's no real point in trying to dodge with backsteps.
It won't be precise enough to dodge anything,
and you'll still have to close back the distance.
The most pressing matter is, of course, mobility,
or lack thereof.
So before heading out, we make sure to pick up
all the items, including the homeward bones.
Regular hollows are hard enough.
So our only real choice is up to the burg.
After reaching the burg and picking up a nearby shield,
we head down to the Undead Merchant.
"hehehehe"
First order of business is to buy a shortbow for the significantly faster aim.
After that, we stock up on arrows, and buy around 30 firebombs.
The damage is - well, not the best -
but at least it can fire from a safe distance.
Before heading up to the Taurus Demon,
we stop by a stack of barrels.
"Holy mother! Did you see that!"
After crossing the fog gate -
"Ow!"
taking care of the archers, we meet with the Taurus Demon.
Our only defense is backsteps,
so we need to kill the Taurus Demon
before the bridge runs out.
Arrows are too slow for this,
so use the fire bombs from earlier.
Now that we have a nice amount in the bank
we can start thinking about weapons.
But before that, we need to reach Andre.
To that end, we head up to the Undead Parish.
"Hahahahahaha!"
Trick here is to bait the fire from a relatively safe location.
"Ow!"
In this location, the fire only hits once,
and after that intial blast,
we can safely head down the bridge.
"Oh crikey, it's the rozzers."
Under the bridge, we meet up with the dragon
or at least, the rear end of it.
Well, I'm already holding a bow,
so it would be a damn shame to not take advantage of it.
With a couple dozen arrows and some patience,
we can cut down the tail for a decent early game weapon.
"Heheheheyyy, look at that!"
The rats can be a bit of a pain in the arse,
because the last thing you want is getting poisoned.
Never mind, could be worse.
"Hang on did-"
and, then it was.
Oh, cock.
"Hahahaha!" "Oh shut up!"
99 firebombs, because this is going to be a long journey.
Should be the last time we buy firebombs.
You may think spending THIS much on firebombs is wasteful.
But we can get back a lot of souls
with item pickups.
After reaching the New Londo Ruins,
we head up, use the master key
and enter... The Valley of Drakes.
As the name suggests, the place is crawling with, well, drakes.
This one in particular, however, can't move.
There is also a ledge, and we happen to have 99 firebombs.
You can see where this is going.
After the dragon, we can get a healthy amount of souls,
a shield, and a sword.
That was against a stationary enemy
the other drakes won't be that easy.
Unless, of course, they get stuck in the terrain.
Easy enough!
But the next one, not so much.
Cock.
Unless, of course, you use the bow to distract
which increases the amount they need to turn before attacking.
Now, there was only one obstacle remaining.
Cock.
Cheese!
Not the best weapon in the world,
but it does its job.
After that it was a quick trip up to Andre.
We can get the Grass Crest Shield,
and a longbow for longer range.
"Watch this! Oh, hang on, hang on,"
After quitting out, we get the jump on the crystal lizard for some twinkling titanites
We're almost to the Undead Parish,
only thing remaning is the Darkroot Garden,
which should be - "Ow ow ow ow!"
Quit out if you get grabbed,
and use firebombs.
This was a present from Snoop Dogg a few years ago
when I made an album with him.
It actually makes the noise "bling" when you hold it up to the camera.
Look, it goes "bling"!
I'll just give this a little -
It's the first weapon we ever saw!
It's light enough to use while staying below 25% equip load.
It's easy to get with the master key,
and its upgraded with twinkling titanites.
It's the perfect one handed weapon,
and it's called the Astora Straight Sword.
"Hahahahaha!"
I'm never financially recovering from those wasted Twinkling Titanites.
Never mind. Could be worse.
Oh, cock.
"Ah, hello there. I have your reward."
He's quite a sweet fellow, really.
I think I'll call him Bob.
"Let's not be greedy, now."
Moments later, Bob is dismembered.
Normally, I would wait for Anor Londo,
but we need the health, stamina, and endurance right now.
We head down and down,
past the New Londo Ruins
past the Valley of Drakes,
and into Blighttown.
Now we don't exactly have the damage to deal with these,
but we can use the extra health from the ring,
plus the near infinite poise -
After that humiliating defeat, I once again turned to my old addiction.
You may be thinking I'm going to Blighttown with these firebombs,
but what I'm instead going to do is this.
"Ow!"
Oh, cock.
The shortcut lever to New Londo,
as well as our choice of weapon,
was unfortunately behind a key.
That's where the bow and arrow comes in.
After picking up a green shard along the way -
Should come in handy later -
we go down, past the lever room, for our weapon of choice.
Why not use the short or the long bow?
Well, it's because the composite bow has the highest damage by far
After unlocking the shortcut for later,
we warp back to Andre.
With headshots, we can now deal with most enemies from a safe distance.
Without breaking the bank.
This should come in handy, for the barbarians on the entrance
as well as Quelaag.
Cock.
The trick here is to lure in one by one
and use the drake sword's two handed move
"Ow!"
The actual trick here is to use repeated headshots to stunlock it.
Since there were a lot of ladders,
resting at a bonfire was not an option.
Unless you want to be stuck here forever with Quelaag.
In which case, uh, based.
Unfortunately, the poison swamp and mosquitoes
were not making things easy.
Having an upgraded bow helps,
and it's good practice since we'll be manually aiming a lot.
Speaking of, Quelaag can be stunned,
similar to how we stunlocked the barbarians by aiming for the human portion.
"Watch this! Oh, hang on, hang on."
"What on earth..."
That didn't work.
But just to be sure, let's see it again from several angles.
"What, I've got to get out?
Where the hell do you think I'm going to go? Ah, no!"
And the great question that we are addressing on this occasion is
Cheese versus Cheese.
We can use the accessibility ramp placed in front of Miyazaki-san's
Quelaag Observation Deck.
With the bell rung, we can head on to Sen's Fortress,
and make the long journey up to Anor Londo.
Oh, cock.
We can't kill the gargoyles and ring the bell to open the gate.
So this leaves us with only one choice.
In this state, you cannot use your bow to aim.
However, pressing aim will turn you in a seemingly random direction.
Think it has something to do with the initial location where the deathcam was triggered.
Use trial and error until you get the right angle,
and punch to move forward, or backstep to move backwards.
Thankfully, we can stop by the bonfire, kindle, if you haven't already,
because this is going to be a one way trip.
Once we enter Sen's Fortress, we can now quit out to disable the deathcam.
We are now locked in. There will be no escape until we beat Anor Londo,
and recieve the Lordvessel.
To no one's surprise, we were ill-equipped to face the challenges of Sen's Fortress.
One thing we can improve easily,
is the number of Estus Flasks.
Cock.
The Astora Straight Sword prevents skeletons from reassembling.
Now this would have been a helpful effect,
if not for the fact that we can use our bow to kill the necromancers.
Once we skip the entire map using a quick shortcut.
We can jump down and summon up Paladin Leeroy
"Hi!"
After picking up the Cleric set, we head down to Pinwheel.
"Ow ow ow ow ow!"
Leeroy can deal the bulk of the damage,
while we sort out the clones using our bow.
Or at least, that was the original plan.
[Dial Up Internet sound]
"Oh for god's sake!"
"Oh god in Heaven [BLEEP] you heap of dog [BLEEP]"
For the next step of our plan, we need a ring.
Any ring works, except for the ring of favor and protection.
Now, back to Andre.
We use our mouse to hover over the arrow, click the arrow and press buy at the same time.
Press once more to get the insufficent soul message.
After that, open up the system menu.
Hold right click, select quit game, and let go.
After the message pops up,
Select any item and drop -998.
This works for pretty much any item that can be stacked,
but having a few thousand long swords can cause some issues
Which of course, we can exploit.
Remember that Cleric's set we picked up earlier.
Upgrade the hat to +5
Equip and unequip the hat,
Pop a humanity, and during the animation press the second weapon slot.
After that, try to unequip the ring.
Finally, equip the priest's hat.
We have now spawned a fully upgraded Black Knight Sword from thin air.
"This is like being a [BLEEP] hippopotamus."