[Top Gear Theme]
[JEREMY] Tonight, James May faces trial by water,
James annoys a dog,
And James says "ow, ow, ow, ow ow"
As the loser of the previous challenge,
we decided to give James another chance.
After breaking his legs, of course.
[JAMES] Oh, cock.
First order of business is to figure out how to move.
Forward was easy enough, as attacking moves you forward.
Turning around however -
Why the bloody hell won't it turn round?
Fortunately, the hunter starts with a bow, which can be used to aim and -
Hang on, did -
[Crickets chirping]
[RICHARD] It's all over, mate
[JAMES] Oh, cock.
Still, we can choose the binoculars as our starting gift.
It is so unbelievably slow,
but you do start with it from the get go.
Now for some basic tricks.
You can use backsteps instead for faster movement,
and use the lock on to turn around in a pinch.
Contrary to popular belief,
backsteps DO have i-frames.
Problem is, it's only four frames.
The more important aspect is
the near infinite poise you get during the starting frames.
After that, we can finally pick up our starting gear.
An upgrade, for sure,
but it wasn't going to make our lives easier any time soon.
"Ow!"
"[Bleep] thing"
And without any ranged options,
"Ow!"
even a simple bow hollow proved to be a challenge.
"Ow!"
At least we can get the jump on this guy.
Should be easy enough!
As it turned out, attacks that knock you backwards,
and not being able to move forward,
didn't mix too well!
Oh, cock.
There's no real point in trying to dodge with backsteps.
It won't be precise enough to dodge anything,
and you'll still have to close back the distance.
The most pressing matter is, of course, mobility,
or lack thereof.
So before heading out, we make sure to pick up
all the items, including the homeward bones.
Regular hollows are hard enough.
So our only real choice is up to the burg.
After reaching the burg and picking up a nearby shield,
we head down to the Undead Merchant.
"hehehehe"
First order of business is to buy a shortbow for the significantly faster aim.
After that, we stock up on arrows, and buy around 30 firebombs.
The damage is - well, not the best -
but at least it can fire from a safe distance.
Before heading up to the Taurus Demon,
we stop by a stack of barrels.
"Holy mother! Did you see that!"
After crossing the fog gate -
"Ow!"
taking care of the archers, we meet with the Taurus Demon.
Our only defense is backsteps,
so we need to kill the Taurus Demon
before the bridge runs out.
Arrows are too slow for this,
so use the fire bombs from earlier.
Now that we have a nice amount in the bank
we can start thinking about weapons.
But before that, we need to reach Andre.
To that end, we head up to the Undead Parish.
"Hahahahahaha!"
Trick here is to bait the fire from a relatively safe location.
"Ow!"
In this location, the fire only hits once,
and after that intial blast,
we can safely head down the bridge.
"Oh crikey, it's the rozzers."
Under the bridge, we meet up with the dragon
or at least, the rear end of it.
Well, I'm already holding a bow,
so it would be a damn shame to not take advantage of it.
With a couple dozen arrows and some patience,
we can cut down the tail for a decent early game weapon.
"Heheheheyyy, look at that!"
The rats can be a bit of a pain in the arse,
because the last thing you want is getting poisoned.
Never mind, could be worse.
"Hang on did-"
and, then it was.
Oh, cock.
"Hahahaha!" "Oh shut up!"
99 firebombs, because this is going to be a long journey.
Should be the last time we buy firebombs.
You may think spending THIS much on firebombs is wasteful.
But we can get back a lot of souls
with item pickups.
After reaching the New Londo Ruins,
we head up, use the master key
and enter... The Valley of Drakes.
As the name suggests, the place is crawling with, well, drakes.
This one in particular, however, can't move.
There is also a ledge, and we happen to have 99 firebombs.
You can see where this is going.
After the dragon, we can get a healthy amount of souls,
a shield, and a sword.
That was against a stationary enemy
the other drakes won't be that easy.
Unless, of course, they get stuck in the terrain.
Easy enough!
But the next one, not so much.
Cock.
Unless, of course, you use the bow to distract
which increases the amount they need to turn before attacking.
Now, there was only one obstacle remaining.
Cock.
Cheese!
Not the best weapon in the world,
but it does its job.
After that it was a quick trip up to Andre.
We can get the Grass Crest Shield,
and a longbow for longer range.
"Watch this! Oh, hang on, hang on,"
After quitting out, we get the jump on the crystal lizard for some Twinkling Titanites
We're almost to the Undead Parish,
only thing remaning is the Darkroot Garden,
which should be - "Ow ow ow ow!"
Quit out if you get grabbed,
and use firebombs.
This was a present from Snoop Dogg a few years ago
when I made an album with him.
It actually makes the noise "bling" when you hold it up to the camera.
Look, it goes "bling"!
I'll just give this a little -
It's the first weapon we ever saw!
It's light enough to use while staying below 25% equip load.
It's easy to get with the master key,
and its upgraded with twinkling titanites.
It's the perfect one handed weapon,
and it's called the Astora Straight Sword.
"Hahahahaha!"
I'm never financially recovering from those wasted Twinkling Titanites.
Never mind. Could be worse.
Oh, cock.
"Ah, hello there. I have your reward."
He's quite a sweet fellow, really.
I think I'll call him Bob.
"Let's not be greedy, now."
Moments later, Bob is dismembered.
Normally, I would wait for Anor Londo,
but we need the health, stamina, and endurance right now.
We head down and down,
past the New Londo Ruins
past the Valley of Drakes,
and into Blighttown.
Now we don't exactly have the damage to deal with these,
but we can use the extra health from the ring,
plus the near infinite poise -
After that humiliating defeat, I once again turned to my old addiction.
You may be thinking I'm going to Blighttown with these firebombs,
but what I'm instead going to do is this.
"Ow!"
Oh, cock.
The shortcut lever to New Londo,
as well as our choice of weapon,
was unfortunately behind a key.
That's where the bow and arrow comes in.
After picking up a green shard along the way -
Should come in handy later -
we go down, past the lever room, for our weapon of choice.
Why not use the short or the long bow?
Well, it's because the composite bow has the highest damage by far
After unlocking the shortcut for later,
we warp back to Andre.
With headshots, we can now deal with most enemies from a safe distance.
Without breaking the bank.
This should come in handy, for the barbarians on the entrance
as well as Quelaag.
Cock.
The trick here is to lure in one by one
and use the drake sword's two handed move
"Ow!"
The actual trick here is to use repeated headshots to stunlock it.
Since there were a lot of ladders,
resting at a bonfire was not an option.
Unless you want to be stuck here forever with Quelaag.
In which case, uh, based.
Unfortunately, the poison swamp and mosquitoes
were not making things easy.
Having an upgraded bow helps,
and it's good practice since we'll be manually aiming a lot.
Speaking of, Quelaag can be stunned,
similar to how we stunlocked the barbarians by aiming for the human portion.
"Watch this! Oh, hang on, hang on."
"What on earth..."
That didn't work.
But just to be sure, let's see it again from several angles.
"What, I've got to get out?
Where the hell do you think I'm going to go? Ah, no!"
And the great question that we are addressing on this occasion is
Cheese versus Cheese.
We can use the accessibility ramp placed in front of Miyazaki-san's
Quelaag Observation Deck.
With the bell rung, we can head on to Sen's Fortress,
and make the long journey up to Anor Londo.
Oh, cock.
We can't kill the gargoyles and ring the bell to open the gate.
So this leaves us with only one choice.
In this state, you cannot use your bow to aim.
However, pressing aim will turn you in a seemingly random direction.
Think it has something to do with the initial location where the deathcam was triggered.
Use trial and error until you get the right angle,
and punch to move forward, or backstep to move backwards.
Thankfully, we can stop by the bonfire, kindle, if you haven't already,
because this is going to be a one way trip.
Once we enter Sen's Fortress, we can now quit out to disable the deathcam.
We are now locked in. There will be no escape until we beat Anor Londo,
and recieve the Lordvessel.
To no one's surprise, we were ill-equipped to face the challenges of Sen's Fortress.
One thing we can improve easily,
is the number of Estus Flasks.
Cock.
The Astora Straight Sword prevents skeletons from reassembling.
Now this would have been a helpful effect,
if not for the fact that we can use our bow to kill the necromancers.
Once we skip the entire map using a quick shortcut.
We can jump down and summon up Paladin Leeroy
"Hi!"
After picking up the Cleric set, we head down to Pinwheel.
"Ow ow ow ow ow!"
Leeroy can deal the bulk of the damage,
while we sort out the clones using our bow.
Or at least, that was the original plan.
[Dial Up Internet sound]
"Oh for god's sake!"
"Oh god in Heaven [BLEEP] you heap of dog [BLEEP]"
For the next step of our plan, we need a ring.
Any ring works, except for the ring of favor and protection.
Now, back to Andre.
We use our mouse to hover over the arrow, click the arrow and press buy at the same time.
Press once more to get the insufficent soul message.
After that, open up the system menu.
Hold right click, select quit game, and let go.
After the message pops up,
Select any item and drop -998.
This works for pretty much any item that can be stacked,
but having a few thousand long swords can cause some issues
Which of course, we can exploit.
Remember that Cleric's set we picked up earlier.
Upgrade the hat to +5
Equip and unequip the hat,
Pop a humanity, and during the animation press the second weapon slot.
After that, try to unequip the ring.
Finally, equip the priest's hat.
We have now spawned a fully upgraded Black Knight Sword from thin air.
"This is like being a [BLEEP] hippopotamus."
The damage is superb, but it is a bit on the slower side
and the range isn't great either.
To solve some of these issues,
we head to the Darkroot Garden.
The forest guardians can be a pain.
Melee ones are fine, but this filthy mage tends to roll back and spam spells,
and we don't exactly have the best forward movement.
Thankfully, we have this.
Once we reach the cat, we can join up to make them friendly.
After the cat, we can go behind the building for the stone armour.
"Oh, hang on, hang on. What on earth..."
This is because of these three thousand weight swords,
so make sure to drop these after you do the whole cleric hat shenanigans.
Armour and poise does help! But there was one more thing to pick up before we leave.
"Do you speak English?" "Yep."
"Do you know where there's any beer?"
"I dunno mate, I'm just a mascot."
Ah, it's actually a frame slower than regular backsteps,
but the flip has actually usable i-frames.
With our new-found movement option, we flip ahead.
Down to Quelaag's domain.
Buying 99 firebombs is only going to take us so far.
One good alternative is pyromancies.
Now normally, you would save Laurentius down in the depths to get the pyro flame,
but there is another way.
Once you start scratching your head,
head back to the hidden bonfire.
"I've no use for it any longer."
But more importantly, a free pyro flame.
We can upgrade it on the same spot,
and after removing the egg, we visit Quelana for more.
One important thing is to make sure to ascend only once and not any more.
Since we are here, might as well pick up the armour.
We can use flips to i-frame through all the attacks, and make it fall off
near the fog gate for an easy kill.
Now you might be thinking it's high time we bail, and buy some pyromancies.
What I'm instead going to do, is this.
After that, we can claim our prize.
Remember, we haven't sat on any bonfires, so failure is not an option.
We don't have the upgrade materials just yet,
but what we can do is go back to the asylum.
"Bit too close to the edge there! Um...
I've got to be careful how I move, otherwise... I'll fall into the valley."
Movement is affected by FPS. So the 60 FPS patch from DSFix
needs to be temporarily disabled.
The rest is going up to the nest.
Should be easy enough.
"Jeez!"
"Ow!"
After arriving at where it all started,
the first order of business was -
"Wraaa! Give me-" "Ah shut up!"
Remember that pyro flame we got earlier?
The smart thing to do would be to actually use it.
This is probably a shit idea.
We can now head inside and kill the Black Knight for a chunk.
Back at Andre, we use our mouse trick once again to activate creative mode.
Now, to the catacombs, we take the slow route this time,
turning the lever to activate the bridge,
and falling down to reach...
Ah, I thought this was supposed to do fire damage.
For that, we can take a visit to the Lower Undead Burg.
Unlock the shortcut, and buy fire arrows from the female undead merchant.
Pretty good, probably not worth the pyro flame though.
The invincibility frame afforded by the flip ring,
combined with the near infinite poise you get from backsteps,
is key to traversing the traps of Sen's Fortress.
I also made this.
It has a quick and long backstep attack, which is perfect for the flip ring.
I-frames, of course, has it's limits, and that's where the bow comes in.
With good timing, we can poise through the boulder.
"Jeez!"
And even with bad timing, we have just enough time to avoid the next one.
"I genuinely don't like heights, okay, it's my biggest failing. Among many, like you said."
The flip is barely fast enough to avoid the fireballs,
but as long as you stay cool and don't cave into the pressure -
"Oh, cock."
Never mind, could be worse.
After killing the fireball throwing giant,
we can finally reach the Iron Golem.
Big, wide, straight paved roads. Now this is what I like to see.
"Cock."
Still, could be worse.
At least it doesn't have any pendulums swinging above it.
After carefully navigating our way,
and using our bow to safely dispatch any enemies,
we move forward.
"Oh, cock."
All other paths were blocked off,
except of course, the ladder.
The lever moves this spiral staircase, and without it we are quite screwed.
"Oh hang on, hang on. Hello."
[RICHARD] "I heard you were in a bit of a pickle, yeah?"
[JAMES] "Oh cock."
"Hahahahahaha" "Shut up!"
[RICHARD] So, if I do this, I get points for helping, right?
[JAMES] "Erm... Sure!"
[RICHARD] Using my superior existence of legs, I make quick work of the ladder and the ledge.
But it didn't work.
Well, turns out, these fog walls are only accessible by the host,
which I am not.
It's all over, mate.
[JAMES] Oh, cock.
In my hour of need, Jeremy was, as ever, right there for me.
[JEREMY] Greetings mate!
[JAMES] Moron!
[JEREMY] However, to our absolute dismay,
the fog wall was also inaccesible by an invader as well.
We either admit defeat and end the programme here,
[RICHARD] Well I'm for ending. Goodbye!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[RICHARD] Using Jeremy, I trigger a backstab, interact with the ladder at the same time,
and roll out.
This should trick the game into thinking we are still on a ladder.
For example, when we run out of stamina on a ladder, we fall off, like that.
The trick is to sync up a critical strike to run out of stamina on the last hit.
[JEREMY] Could you just make that go a bit further in the back?
[RICHARD] I don't want you to ever say that to me again.
[JEREMY] Ow [BLEEP] [BLEEP] ow!
[RICHARD] Now for the moment of truth.
Can a phantom turn the lever?
YES! YES! HAHA! Oh, bliss!
Do we have a penis bone?
[JEREMY] Whales have penis bones. We're getting off topic!
[JAMES] Sucks we had to get help from those two blithering idiots,
shouldn't need any more though.
The biggest roadblock may be gone,
but there was still the entirety of Anor Londo to face.
Cock.
Heavy armour isn't ideal. The greatarrows are still strong enough to stagger.
Ranged wasn't an option either, as even the longbow didn't have enough range.
So, our best option is mobility.
"No! No no no no! Other way! Other way you [BLEEP]!"
Thankfully, we can use quitouts to spawn back on stable ground.
The strategy is quite simple, really.
You just get close enough and hope that the Silver Knight switches to melee.
After that harrowing experience,
"Oh, cock.
What's this? Cheese?
Cheese.
Ow!"
Still, could be worse.
We can use our mobility and i-frames to dodge through the attacks.
Against unanimous public opinion,
apparently, I need a new wardrobe.
Oh, hang on, hang on, ow!
We can't flip with heavy armour, but as long as we can hit medium equip load,
we'll still be able to do a fast enough backstep attack.
Which brings us to this.
We could use the ring to equip the stone set, or even Havel's set.
Or alternatively, turn on creative mode once more,
and buy a full set of upgraded Giant's.