0:00:19.105,0:00:24.225
Sex as we know it[br]is very much influenced by the mind.

0:00:25.142,0:00:28.622
As humans, we can choose to have sex,

0:00:28.622,0:00:31.201
unlike our animal friends.

0:00:31.201,0:00:32.996
They never think about it -

0:00:33.006,0:00:36.788
it’s happening when it’s happening,[br]and it’s not when it’s not -

0:00:37.372,0:00:42.466
whereas we can choose[br]when to have it and how to have it.

0:00:44.123,0:00:50.768
Sex brings joy, excitement,[br]the possibility of love and connection.

0:00:51.657,0:00:57.278
It also brings sadness, unhappiness,[br]disappointment, trauma.

0:00:57.776,0:01:03.661
There’s premature ejaculation,[br]erection difficulties, performance stress.

0:01:04.134,0:01:11.072
There’s loss of interest, lack of orgasm,[br]physical pain during sex.

0:01:12.155,0:01:13.994
And as you know,

0:01:13.994,0:01:17.620
couples often separate because of sex.

0:01:18.730,0:01:24.799
Fact is we think the climax[br]is the reason to have sex.

0:01:25.661,0:01:29.124
It’s what we want; it's what we expect.

0:01:29.504,0:01:36.656
So our minds have become imprinted[br]with a certain program or agenda

0:01:36.656,0:01:42.268
that makes us climax[br]or goal oriented in sex.

0:01:43.698,0:01:46.783
This goal brings stress and tension,

0:01:47.763,0:01:49.580
for example,

0:01:49.580,0:01:53.309
having to deliver a good performance,

0:01:53.309,0:01:55.342
making your partner happy,

0:01:55.342,0:01:59.904
or pleasing the partner, getting it right,

0:01:59.904,0:02:03.164
or having to have an orgasm,

0:02:03.164,0:02:07.909
or having to hold one off[br]for as long as possible.

0:02:08.689,0:02:12.909
And when things don’t go[br]according to plan or wishes,

0:02:12.909,0:02:17.232
then possible outcomes are:

0:02:18.582,0:02:23.604
we become half-hearted with each other[br]in relating and intimacy,

0:02:23.604,0:02:26.889
or we give up, we stop trying,

0:02:26.889,0:02:30.198
or we look for another partner,

0:02:30.488,0:02:33.069
hoping things will work out better.

0:02:34.429,0:02:36.344
Well, I am here to share with you

0:02:36.344,0:02:41.289
that these problems[br]are not inherent to sex.

0:02:42.559,0:02:45.916
The problem is not sex itself,

0:02:45.916,0:02:49.907
the problem lies[br]with the style of having it.

0:02:51.437,0:02:57.140
Our common style is "mind-filled" sex.

0:02:58.090,0:03:02.360
I say "mind-filled" because[br]we're always thinking about it,

0:03:02.360,0:03:04.158
even when we're having it.

0:03:04.158,0:03:06.576
We're concerned about the climax,

0:03:06.576,0:03:08.863
we're monitoring our own performance,

0:03:08.863,0:03:11.240
we're wondering how the partner is doing,

0:03:11.240,0:03:12.985
and so on.

0:03:13.925,0:03:20.800
And if we believe and think[br]that the climax is the reason to have sex,

0:03:20.800,0:03:21.955
then of course,

0:03:21.955,0:03:28.209
it has to be hot, intense,[br]building up excitement and sensation.

0:03:29.799,0:03:36.676
But there is another style of sex,[br]called "mind-full" sex.

0:03:37.977,0:03:41.195
Mindfulness is a modern word.

0:03:41.195,0:03:42.705
Very popular.

0:03:42.705,0:03:49.441
Its real meaning is awareness,[br]to be in the awareness,

0:03:50.039,0:03:55.319
using the mind, yes,[br]but using it to direct the attention

0:03:55.319,0:03:59.519
to be centered, aware[br]and present in the body;

0:03:59.850,0:04:03.039
you are not lost in thought.

0:04:03.459,0:04:06.315
And in mindful sex,

0:04:06.725,0:04:12.585
we bring that same quality of awareness,[br]like a meditation, into the exchange.

0:04:13.756,0:04:16.901
Attention is directed inside the body,

0:04:16.901,0:04:21.300
and your whole body[br]is used as a sensing organ.

0:04:21.580,0:04:27.039
It’s more like you are being sex[br]rather than doing sex.

0:04:27.518,0:04:29.698
And just as in meditation,

0:04:29.698,0:04:33.286
as many of you know[br]from your own personal experience,

0:04:33.286,0:04:37.579
aware in the here and now - no goals.

0:04:38.339,0:04:40.083
Let me repeat that:

0:04:40.083,0:04:44.292
In mindful sex, there are[br]no goals, even climax.

0:04:45.187,0:04:51.109
Of course, it's an option, it's a choice,[br]but it can happen after 2-3 hours,

0:04:51.109,0:04:52.919
if you wish.

0:04:52.919,0:04:56.272
But it's not something that you work for,

0:04:56.272,0:05:00.262
rather, you relax, take it easy.

0:05:01.852,0:05:08.697
Imagine for a moment that you decide[br]to spend a day in the nature.

0:05:09.929,0:05:14.457
Imagine it's a beautiful day -[br]warm, clear skies.

0:05:15.177,0:05:19.477
And at a certain point,[br]you need to make a choice.

0:05:19.487,0:05:23.033
Do you follow your[br]favorite trail up the mountain?

0:05:23.033,0:05:25.303
Or do you stay in the valley?

0:05:26.649,0:05:29.346
As much as you love going up the mountain,

0:05:29.346,0:05:32.156
on this day you decide[br]to stay in the valley,

0:05:32.344,0:05:35.392
and you take a slow walk,

0:05:35.392,0:05:37.722
explore the forest,

0:05:37.722,0:05:39.675
relax by the river,

0:05:39.675,0:05:43.666
and you spend that day[br]with no particular goals in mind,

0:05:44.591,0:05:48.211
and without the strain and the effort[br]of reaching to the peaks

0:05:48.211,0:05:50.378
and the tiredness that follows.

0:05:52.248,0:05:53.423
What I’m saying

0:05:53.423,0:05:58.793
is to make a conscious decision[br]to stay in the valleys

0:05:58.796,0:06:03.131
and not always searching for the peaks.

0:06:03.841,0:06:07.191
Well, this does sound different, right?

0:06:07.191,0:06:08.762
And yes,

0:06:08.762,0:06:14.833
mindful sex does require[br]that we open our minds about sex.

0:06:15.653,0:06:18.605
And ... are you open minded?

0:06:19.245,0:06:21.276
Open to explore?

0:06:22.416,0:06:25.793
30 years ago, I thought I was open minded.

0:06:25.793,0:06:27.803
I'd lived through the seventies -

0:06:27.803,0:06:29.933
sexual freedom;

0:06:29.933,0:06:32.541
I thought my sex life was great.

0:06:32.871,0:06:36.673
But then I realized[br]I was going around in circles,

0:06:36.673,0:06:39.833
from falling in love[br]to falling out of love,

0:06:39.833,0:06:42.041
over and over again.

0:06:43.229,0:06:47.549
I had this growing sense[br]that there had to be more to sex.

0:06:47.849,0:06:51.046
And, at that time, I was living in India,

0:06:51.046,0:06:55.058
and that’s where I ran[br]into this other style of sex:

0:06:55.058,0:07:00.777
"mind-full" sex, or sex with awareness.

0:07:00.777,0:07:04.572
So, I spent the next five years[br]pretty solidly researching,

0:07:04.972,0:07:07.009
and I was not - yes, you got it -

0:07:07.009,0:07:10.672
I was not in libraries reading books,[br]I was researching in bed.

0:07:10.685,0:07:12.485
(Laughter)

0:07:13.289,0:07:14.820
And, you know,

0:07:14.820,0:07:18.768
mindful sex is definitely nothing new.

0:07:19.048,0:07:21.494
It’s been there for millennia.

0:07:21.844,0:07:25.383
Bringing sex together with awareness,

0:07:25.383,0:07:29.053
as a meditation,[br]as a spiritual experience,

0:07:29.299,0:07:31.894
is one of the aspects of tantra,

0:07:31.894,0:07:34.682
an ancient body of knowledge from india.

0:07:36.162,0:07:39.313
When I started out,[br]I was curious - that was all -

0:07:39.313,0:07:41.935
or some may say adventurous.

0:07:41.935,0:07:42.938
Again and again,

0:07:42.938,0:07:46.291
I put this ancient teaching into practice,

0:07:46.291,0:07:52.927
and gradually, my whole experience[br]and view of sex was revolutionized.

0:07:54.433,0:07:56.127
After a while,

0:07:56.127,0:07:58.310
friends started coming to me[br]with questions,

0:07:58.310,0:08:01.244
and that led to me teaching,[br]and then I began to write books about it,

0:08:01.244,0:08:05.516
and I’ve been involved in this way[br]for 25 years now.

0:08:07.306,0:08:13.357
Usually, when I talk about this subject,[br]I have a lot of time to go into detail -

0:08:13.357,0:08:17.037
several days in a seminar[br]or the length of a book -

0:08:17.369,0:08:22.526
but, here, today, in this situation,[br]it's going to be a quickie.

0:08:22.526,0:08:24.196
(Laughter)

0:08:25.357,0:08:31.222
By now, you are probably asking yourself,[br]Well, what does mindful sex look like?

0:08:32.070,0:08:36.952
And it’s easiest to describe[br]by highlighting some contrasts

0:08:36.952,0:08:41.350
because when we bring mindfulness in,

0:08:41.350,0:08:45.470
certain shifts and changes[br]begin to happen,

0:08:46.325,0:08:48.158
for example,

0:08:48.158,0:08:52.277
from early ejaculation[br]to lasting much, much longer,

0:08:52.277,0:08:53.912
even hours,

0:08:54.362,0:08:59.329
from physical pain to physical pleasure,

0:08:59.329,0:09:05.085
from performance pressure, stress[br]to relaxing, taking it easy,

0:09:05.400,0:09:10.305
from disconnection and sadness

0:09:10.305,0:09:14.135
to feeling bonding[br]with your partner, happy,

0:09:14.135,0:09:17.712
from loss of interest or avoidance of sex

0:09:17.712,0:09:21.592
to interest, willingness,[br]longing returning,

0:09:21.592,0:09:25.658
from feeling used or seeing sex as duty

0:09:25.658,0:09:29.584
to feeling valued and appreciated.

0:09:31.184,0:09:35.413
So those shifts sound well and good,[br]but actually, how do we do it?

0:09:36.910,0:09:38.598
The good, big question.

0:09:39.084,0:09:42.844
Firstly, I want to say[br]that my own experience is male-female,

0:09:43.234,0:09:46.878
and I have worked with thousands[br]of such couples over the years.

0:09:47.227,0:09:50.736
However, I have also worked[br]with other couple combinations,

0:09:50.736,0:09:54.136
and I can say with all confidence

0:09:54.136,0:09:56.063
that awareness

0:09:56.063,0:10:02.546
will increase the rapport, intimacy[br]and love bond with any couple,

0:10:02.740,0:10:08.120
independently of sexual orientation[br]or gender identity.

0:10:08.913,0:10:12.394
Naturally, some of the male-female[br]details won't apply,

0:10:12.954,0:10:17.927
but principles[br]can be adapted and explored.

0:10:18.899,0:10:23.286
Having said that,[br]here's nine basic principles:

0:10:23.906,0:10:26.312
The first - very practical -[br]you make a date;

0:10:26.312,0:10:30.140
you set aside two, three hours[br]or more undisturbed time.

0:10:30.893,0:10:32.736
This works very well for women

0:10:32.736,0:10:36.882
because the female body[br]warms up and opens up to sex

0:10:36.882,0:10:39.627
much more slowly than the male body.

0:10:39.927,0:10:42.778
When the female body is open and ready,

0:10:42.778,0:10:47.836
this will completely raise[br]the quality of the exchange for both.

0:10:49.040,0:10:51.011
For men, having a date is very helpful

0:10:51.011,0:10:53.623
because men are often walking around

0:10:53.623,0:10:57.678
wondering when they will next[br]be able to have sex again -

0:10:59.798,0:11:00.855
for sure.

0:11:00.855,0:11:07.241
And if he knows it’s going to happen[br]tomorrow night - or tonight -

0:11:07.421,0:11:10.790
then he is much more relaxed,[br]present, centered

0:11:10.790,0:11:13.722
with himself and with you.

0:11:16.024,0:11:19.892
The next prinicple is the most important,

0:11:19.892,0:11:21.553
and that is …

0:11:21.553,0:11:24.562
if you get this one,[br]then everything else just flows.

0:11:24.948,0:11:29.788
Your intention is to be[br]as aware and present as possible,

0:11:30.158,0:11:32.746
and you take it moment by moment.

0:11:33.806,0:11:37.386
The next, again and again,[br]you scan your body -

0:11:37.386,0:11:40.274
relax it, relax tensions;

0:11:41.024,0:11:45.880
you check your jaw, shoulders, belly,[br]genitals, buttocks, anus;

0:11:46.160,0:11:48.285
and you do that repeatedly.

0:11:49.005,0:11:53.841
The next is you breathe deep -[br]instead of breathing shallow -

0:11:54.051,0:11:58.996
you breathe deep and slow[br]into the belly, into the genitals.

0:11:59.829,0:12:00.869
The next,

0:12:00.869,0:12:04.357
instead of entering the body[br]fast and forcefully,

0:12:04.357,0:12:06.703
you enter very consciously

0:12:06.703,0:12:10.441
and open the canal[br]millimeter by millimeter,

0:12:10.441,0:12:14.329
and you use lubrication[br]to ease that entry.

0:12:15.579,0:12:16.881
The next,

0:12:16.881,0:12:21.651
instead of mechanical, back-and-forth[br]friction type movements,

0:12:22.025,0:12:24.369
each movement is done with awareness,

0:12:24.369,0:12:28.024
and that naturally creates slowness,

0:12:28.024,0:12:31.464
and that increases your sensitivity.

0:12:32.484,0:12:36.062
Instead of building up[br]and building up excitement,

0:12:36.062,0:12:37.732
you relax into it -

0:12:37.732,0:12:40.082
a little excitement and then relax,

0:12:40.172,0:12:43.202
a little excitement and then relax.

0:12:43.992,0:12:48.522
Instead of eyes closed[br]and being involved in thought or fantasy,

0:12:48.522,0:12:51.239
your eyes are open,[br]you're present, you're here,

0:12:51.239,0:12:53.734
you have eye contact if you wish,

0:12:53.734,0:12:55.249
and at any time,

0:12:55.249,0:13:00.529
you can share in words[br]what you feel and experience in your body.

0:13:01.354,0:13:03.174
And the last,

0:13:03.584,0:13:05.422
have a sense of humor

0:13:05.422,0:13:09.279
because, really, funny things do happen,

0:13:09.279,0:13:14.582
and we all know it's so healthy and good[br]to have a good laugh.

0:13:15.251,0:13:18.199
But you laugh at yourself[br]and not your partner, please.

0:13:18.199,0:13:19.809
(Laughter)

0:13:20.990,0:13:22.448
In summary,

0:13:22.838,0:13:27.132
mindful sex is about staying[br]in the cooler zones

0:13:27.312,0:13:30.412
and not getting too hot and excited.

0:13:31.462,0:13:33.300
Sex is like fire:

0:13:33.300,0:13:36.482
you add wood too quickly,[br]let it burn bright,

0:13:36.482,0:13:39.971
it will create beautiful blazing flames,

0:13:39.971,0:13:43.258
but very soon, that fire will die down,

0:13:43.258,0:13:48.362
whereas if you add the wood[br]piece by piece by piece by piece

0:13:48.362,0:13:50.295
and keep the flame low,

0:13:50.295,0:13:54.357
then that same fire[br]will last the whole night through.

0:13:55.503,0:14:00.933
I’m not saying that you have[br]to forego mind-filled sex

0:14:01.423,0:14:07.072
but just to be aware that problems[br]are created through that style.

0:14:07.306,0:14:11.694
So try to open your mind[br]and give yourself other options.

0:14:15.551,0:14:18.408
Have mind-filled sex when you want -

0:14:18.408,0:14:19.958
rush, a quick high -

0:14:19.958,0:14:26.089
have mindful sex when you want to nurture[br]the love and the connection between you.

0:14:28.009,0:14:30.168
In my learning path,

0:14:30.168,0:14:33.370
how I felt afterwards[br]was the most important,

0:14:33.370,0:14:35.330
the greatest teacher -

0:14:35.330,0:14:38.912
not immediately after[br]but in the days following too.

0:14:40.086,0:14:42.608
So next time, afterwards, have a look.

0:14:42.608,0:14:45.514
Allow yourself to look and feel

0:14:45.864,0:14:49.564
what that style is doing to you[br]on a deeper level.

0:14:50.143,0:14:51.143
For example,

0:14:51.143,0:14:53.051
the climax might have been great,

0:14:53.051,0:14:57.078
but afterwards you feel[br]a bit tired or disconnected or sad,

0:14:57.303,0:15:00.074
maybe irritable or aggressive,

0:15:00.074,0:15:02.988
whereas if you stay in the cooler style,

0:15:03.808,0:15:09.018
you might notice you feel[br]refreshed, energized, uplifted

0:15:09.038,0:15:12.309
and more in love with your partner.

0:15:13.499,0:15:14.861
Now …

0:15:14.861,0:15:19.271
the most important thing I ask you[br]is: Don't believe me.

0:15:19.618,0:15:20.838
(Laughter)

0:15:21.435,0:15:25.881
Try it for yourself,[br]and prove it to yourself.

0:15:26.561,0:15:33.111
It’s a doorway so close to home[br]it’s easy to pass it by or overlook it.

0:15:33.419,0:15:37.107
But just around the corner - just a turn -

0:15:37.107,0:15:40.596
and a whole new universe opens up.

0:15:42.336,0:15:44.816
30 years ago, I could never have imagined

0:15:44.816,0:15:47.125
that changing the way I made love

0:15:47.125,0:15:51.291
would mean that I spend[br]the rest of my days talking about sex,

0:15:51.951,0:15:55.045
especially in a forum such as this one.

0:15:55.055,0:15:59.151
So I am here, without goal or agenda,

0:15:59.151,0:16:02.099
to share with you a life-changing truth:

0:16:02.099,0:16:05.394
that awareness in sex

0:16:05.394,0:16:11.216
creates love, generates love[br]and nurtures connection.

0:16:12.256,0:16:13.513
I dream of a world

0:16:13.513,0:16:17.913
where we don’t only fall in love[br]and then fall out of love,

0:16:17.925,0:16:21.621
but where we rise in love, together.

0:16:22.451,0:16:27.158
Let us begin the true sexual revolution

0:16:27.158,0:16:31.417
and create a new experience for humanity.

0:16:33.247,0:16:36.326
A world where couples live in harmony,

0:16:36.826,0:16:39.956
where sex improves[br]the longer you are together,

0:16:40.409,0:16:46.854
where sex brings healing,[br]connection, confidence, clarity,

0:16:47.208,0:16:51.778
where sex invites love and peace on earth.

0:16:52.808,0:16:54.465
Ladies and gentlemen,

0:16:54.465,0:16:58.463
I wish you a courageous heart[br]and a spirit of adventure!

0:16:58.463,0:17:00.049
Thank you!

0:17:00.049,0:17:02.289
(Applause) (Cheers)