WEBVTT

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Sex as we know it
is very much influenced by the mind.

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As humans, we can choose to have sex,

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unlike our animal friends.

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They never think about it -

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it’s happening when it’s happening,
and it’s not when it’s not -

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whereas we can choose
when to have it and how to have it.

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Sex brings joy, excitement,
the possibility of love and connection.

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It also brings sadness, unhappiness,
disappointment, trauma.

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There’s premature ejaculation,
erection difficulties, performance stress.

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There’s loss of interest, lack of orgasm,
physical pain during sex.

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And as you know,

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couples often separate because of sex.

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Fact is we think the climax
is the reason to have sex.

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It’s what we want; it's what we expect.

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So our minds have become imprinted
with a certain program or agenda

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that makes us climax
or goal oriented in sex.

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This goal brings stress and tension,

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for example,

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having to deliver a good performance,

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making your partner happy,

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or pleasing the partner, getting it right,

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or having to have an orgasm,

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or having to hold one off
for as long as possible.

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And when things don’t go
according to plan or wishes,

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then possible outcomes are:

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we become half-hearted with each other
in relating and intimacy,

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or we give up, we stop trying,

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or we look for another partner,

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hoping things will work out better.

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Well, I am here to share with you

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that these problems
are not inherent to sex.

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The problem is not sex itself,

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the problem lies
with the style of having it.

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Our common style is "mind-filled" sex.

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I say "mind-filled" because
we're always thinking about it,

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even when we're having it.

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We're concerned about the climax,

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we're monitoring our own performance,

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we're wondering how the partner is doing,

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and so on.

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And if we believe and think
that the climax is the reason to have sex,

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then of course,

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it has to be hot, intense,
building up excitement and sensation.

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But there is another style of sex,
called "mind-full" sex.

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Mindfulness is a modern word.

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Very popular.

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Its real meaning is awareness,
to be in the awareness,

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using the mind, yes,
but using it to direct the attention

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to be centered, aware
and present in the body;

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you are not lost in thought.

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And in mindful sex,

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we bring that same quality of awareness,
like a meditation, into the exchange.

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Attention is directed inside the body,

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and your whole body
is used as a sensing organ.

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It’s more like you are being sex
rather than doing sex.

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And just as in meditation,

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as many of you know
from your own personal experience,

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aware in the here and now - no goals.

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Let me repeat that:

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In mindful sex, there are
no goals, even climax.

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Of course, it's an option, it's a choice,
but it can happen after 2-3 hours,

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if you wish.

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But it's not something that you work for,

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rather, you relax, take it easy.

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Imagine for a moment that you decide
to spend a day in the nature.

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Imagine it's a beautiful day -
warm, clear skies.

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And at a certain point,
you need to make a choice.

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Do you follow your
favorite trail up the mountain?

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Or do you stay in the valley?

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As much as you love going up the mountain,

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on this day you decide
to stay in the valley,

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and you take a slow walk,

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explore the forest,

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relax by the river,

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and you spend that day
with no particular goals in mind,

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and without the strain and the effort
of reaching to the peaks

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and the tiredness that follows.

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What I’m saying

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is to make a conscious decision
to stay in the valleys

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and not always searching for the peaks.

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Well, this does sound different, right?

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And yes,

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mindful sex does require
that we open our minds about sex.

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And ... are you open minded?

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Open to explore?

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30 years ago, I thought I was open minded.

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I'd lived through the seventies -

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sexual freedom;

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I thought my sex life was great.

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But then I realized
I was going around in circles,

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from falling in love
to falling out of love,

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over and over again.

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I had this growing sense
that there had to be more to sex.

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And, at that time, I was living in India,

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and that’s where I ran
into this other style of sex:

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"mind-full" sex, or sex with awareness.

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So, I spent the next five years
pretty solidly researching,

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and I was not - yes, you got it -

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I was not in libraries reading books,
I was researching in bed.

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(Laughter)

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And, you know,

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mindful sex is definitely nothing new.

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It’s been there for millennia.

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Bringing sex together with awareness,

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as a meditation,
as a spiritual experience,

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is one of the aspects of tantra,

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an ancient body of knowledge from india.

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When I started out,
I was curious - that was all -

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or some may say adventurous.

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Again and again,

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I put this ancient teaching into practice,

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and gradually, my whole experience
and view of sex was revolutionized.

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After a while,

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friends started coming to me
with questions,

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and that led to me teaching,
and then I began to write books about it,

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and I’ve been involved in this way
for 25 years now.

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Usually, when I talk about this subject,
I have a lot of time to go into detail -

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several days in a seminar
or the length of a book -

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but, here, today, in this situation,
it's going to be a quickie.

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(Laughter)

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By now, you are probably asking yourself,
Well, what does mindful sex look like?

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And it’s easiest to describe
by highlighting some contrasts

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because when we bring mindfulness in,

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certain shifts and changes
begin to happen,

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for example,

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from early ejaculation
to lasting much, much longer,

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even hours,

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from physical pain to physical pleasure,

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from performance pressure, stress
to relaxing, taking it easy,

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from disconnection and sadness

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to feeling bonding
with your partner, happy,

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from loss of interest or avoidance of sex

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to interest, willingness,
longing returning,

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from feeling used or seeing sex as duty

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to feeling valued and appreciated.

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So those shifts sound well and good,
but actually, how do we do it?

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The good, big question.

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Firstly, I want to say
that my own experience is male-female,

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and I have worked with thousands
of such couples over the years.

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However, I have also worked
with other couple combinations,

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and I can say with all confidence

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that awareness

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will increase the rapport, intimacy
and love bond with any couple,

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independently of sexual orientation
or gender identity.

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Naturally, some of the male-female
details won't apply,

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but principles
can be adapted and explored.

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Having said that,
here's nine basic principles:

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The first - very practical -
you make a date;

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you set aside two, three hours
or more undisturbed time.

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This works very well for women

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because the female body
warms up and opens up to sex

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much more slowly than the male body.

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When the female body is open and ready,

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this will completely raise
the quality of the exchange for both.

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For men, having a date is very helpful

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because men are often walking around

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wondering when they will next
be able to have sex again -

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for sure.

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And if he knows it’s going to happen
tomorrow night - or tonight -

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then he is much more relaxed,
present, centered

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with himself and with you.

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The next prinicple is the most important,

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and that is …

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if you get this one,
then everything else just flows.

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Your intention is to be
as aware and present as possible,

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and you take it moment by moment.

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The next, again and again,
you scan your body -

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relax it, relax tensions;

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you check your jaw, shoulders, belly,
genitals, buttocks, anus;

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and you do that repeatedly.

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The next is you breathe deep -
instead of breathing shallow -

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you breathe deep and slow
into the belly, into the genitals.

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The next,

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instead of entering the body
fast and forcefully,

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you enter very consciously

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and open the canal
millimeter by millimeter,

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and you use lubrication
to ease that entry.

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The next,

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instead of mechanical, back-and-forth
friction type movements,

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each movement is done with awareness,

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and that naturally creates slowness,

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and that increases your sensitivity.

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Instead of building up
and building up excitement,

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you relax into it -

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a little excitement and then relax,

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a little excitement and then relax.

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Instead of eyes closed
and being involved in thought or fantasy,

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your eyes are open,
you're present, you're here,

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you have eye contact if you wish,

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and at any time,

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you can share in words
what you feel and experience in your body.

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And the last,

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have a sense of humor

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because, really, funny things do happen,

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and we all know it's so healthy and good
to have a good laugh.

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But you laugh at yourself
and not your partner, please.

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(Laughter)

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In summary,

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mindful sex is about staying
in the cooler zones

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and not getting too hot and excited.

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Sex is like fire:

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you add wood too quickly,
let it burn bright,

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it will create beautiful blazing flames,

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but very soon, that fire will die down,

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whereas if you add the wood
piece by piece by piece by piece

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and keep the flame low,

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then that same fire
will last the whole night through.

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I’m not saying that you have
to forego mind-filled sex

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but just to be aware that problems
are created through that style.

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So try to open your mind
and give yourself other options.

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Have mind-filled sex when you want -

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rush, a quick high -

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have mindful sex when you want to nurture
the love and the connection between you.

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In my learning path,

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how I felt afterwards
was the most important,

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the greatest teacher -

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not immediately after
but in the days following too.

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So next time, afterwards, have a look.

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Allow yourself to look and feel

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what that style is doing to you
on a deeper level.

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For example,

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the climax might have been great,

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but afterwards you feel
a bit tired or disconnected or sad,

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maybe irritable or aggressive,

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whereas if you stay in the cooler style,

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you might notice you feel
refreshed, energized, uplifted

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and more in love with your partner.

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Now …

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the most important thing I ask you
is: Don't believe me.

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(Laughter)

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Try it for yourself,
and prove it to yourself.

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It’s a doorway so close to home
it’s easy to pass it by or overlook it.

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But just around the corner - just a turn -

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and a whole new universe opens up.

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30 years ago, I could never have imagined

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that changing the way I made love

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would mean that I spend
the rest of my days talking about sex,

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especially in a forum such as this one.

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So I am here, without goal or agenda,

00:15:59.151 --> 00:16:02.099
to share with you a life-changing truth:

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that awareness in sex

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creates love, generates love
and nurtures connection.

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I dream of a world

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where we don’t only fall in love
and then fall out of love,

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but where we rise in love, together.

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Let us begin the true sexual revolution

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and create a new experience for humanity.

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A world where couples live in harmony,

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where sex improves
the longer you are together,

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where sex brings healing,
connection, confidence, clarity,

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where sex invites love and peace on earth.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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I wish you a courageous heart
and a spirit of adventure!

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Thank you!

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(Applause) (Cheers)