[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.19,0:00:12.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wow, hello, everyone.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.76,0:00:14.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to put down my phone,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.71,0:00:19.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and totally resist the urge to snap\Na selfie to prove I was actually here.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.28,0:00:22.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As we have said,\Nmy name is Jessica O'Reilly
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.58,0:00:26.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I am a sexologist.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.15,0:00:29.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A sexologist is, in fact, a real thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.78,0:00:31.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you believe me?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.85,0:00:32.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Three of you, okay.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.88,0:00:36.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So you're all on the side of my parents,\NI get it, that's cool, no problem.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.37,0:00:38.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got the tiger mom.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.89,0:00:41.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, a sexologist; what does that mean?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.33,0:00:42.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That means,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.57,0:00:47.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spend a whole lot of time\Ntalking about sex.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.07,0:00:50.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And almost no time actually having it.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.43,0:00:51.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.70,0:00:57.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'm here today to talk to you\Nabout a serious subject.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.40,0:01:01.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are in a time of crisis.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.52,0:01:06.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a global epidemic\Non our hands and it's airborne.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.69,0:01:12.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It affects the young and the old\Nand knows no geographical bounds.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.36,0:01:18.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this problem is not unlike\Nother widespread crises,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.46,0:01:21.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the economy, climate change for instance.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.46,0:01:26.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But this crisis effects more of us,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.48,0:01:31.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a more personal\Nand perceptible fashion.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.50,0:01:34.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It tears families apart.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.47,0:01:40.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It takes the most detrimental toll\Non the most vulnerable among us
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.36,0:01:43.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's contagious.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.69,0:01:45.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's spreading.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.71,0:01:49.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yet somehow, we're captivated by it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.02,0:01:56.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm talking about the crisis\Nof the modern monogamous marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.79,0:02:02.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, if I would have make you\Na 50/50 offer in any realm of your life,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.62,0:02:04.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would you take it?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.72,0:02:06.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I said, invest in my fun,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.63,0:02:09.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's a 50 percent chance\Nyou'll see a return.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.56,0:02:11.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or sign this business deal,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.23,0:02:14.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you've got a 50 percent\Nchance of failure, but hey, why not?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.85,0:02:17.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or hop on this flight,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.11,0:02:22.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you've got a 50/50 shot\Nat making it to your destination safely.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.29,0:02:27.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even if I offered you\Ntwo free checked bags,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.53,0:02:28.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.77,0:02:30.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you'd probably say no.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.55,0:02:36.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the modern monogamous marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.70,0:02:39.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,offers even lower statistical odds
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.83,0:02:44.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you factor in divorce rates\Nand the rates of infidelity.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.76,0:02:49.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, in North America,\Ndivorce rates are over 40 percent,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.70,0:02:53.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,higher, if you count your second\Nand third marriages.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.65,0:02:56.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In my family sometimes\Nwe go on even above three.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.51,0:02:58.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Four, five, and six.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.44,0:03:00.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know already about my husband's fights
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.46,0:03:01.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because of Riaz.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.60,0:03:03.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I might as well divulge some info.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.69,0:03:07.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Infidelity rates in North America\Nare between 25 and 45 percent,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.78,0:03:12.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,depending on who's asking and who drank\Ntheir truth serum this morning.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.85,0:03:15.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And research suggests
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.50,0:03:18.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that satisfaction rates\Nin marriage plummet
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.92,0:03:22.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after the honeymoon phase,\Nnever to recover.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.46,0:03:23.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Scary.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.88,0:03:28.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, many young people\Nare actually opting not to get married.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.25,0:03:29.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Marriage rates are on the decline.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.87,0:03:32.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe because they've heard\Nthat research shows
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.53,0:03:35.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that married people\Nare, in fact, no happier
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.51,0:03:37.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than their single counterparts.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.53,0:03:41.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And have you heard of mate poaching?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.63,0:03:44.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Apparently, 60 percent of men -
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.100,0:03:46.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,shame, shame -
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.61,0:03:48.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and 54 percent of women -
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.21,0:03:49.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're not better, not much better -
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.94,0:03:55.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have tried to woo someone away\Nfrom their current spouse.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.91,0:03:57.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is going on?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.42,0:04:01.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when we combine these statistics,\Nwe look at the numbers.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.63,0:04:03.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We see that in marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.79,0:04:08.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,50/50 is in fact a best case scenario.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.87,0:04:13.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Marriage is in a time of crisis.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.70,0:04:18.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I'm not suggesting that we do away\Nwith marriage; I'm a fan of marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.69,0:04:20.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I even picked one up for myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.85,0:04:22.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.33,0:04:25.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've been happily married\Nto my husband for eight years,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.70,0:04:27.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,living with him for 13.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.25,0:04:35.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I am saying is that marriage\Nis a failure in human design.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.50,0:04:39.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It doesn't matter that research\Nsays that marriage is good for my health
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.94,0:04:42.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and even better for men's health,\Nsomehow they always win.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.94,0:04:45.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it doesn't matter\Nthat we all go into marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.37,0:04:49.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with the most noble of intentions, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.55,0:04:53.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To live happily ever after,\Nto love our partner unconditionally,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.82,0:04:58.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to help them grow\Ninto the best version of themselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.55,0:05:01.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because it doesn't always end up this way.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.31,0:05:03.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because of this failure in human design,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.62,0:05:07.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,marriage can be restrictive\Nin personal growth,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.61,0:05:12.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and even repressive in its demands\Nof absolute monogamy.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.58,0:05:16.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In any other realm,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.01,0:05:19.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we saw failure rates\Nlike we see in marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.42,0:05:22.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we would do something about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.63,0:05:25.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When the markets tumble,\Nwe do something about it;
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.97,0:05:27.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we adjust interest rates,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.36,0:05:29.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we enact austerity measures,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.21,0:05:32.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we develop stimulus packages.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.75,0:05:34.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.49,0:05:35.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.19,0:05:38.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If a car malfunctions in some way,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.49,0:05:42.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we issue a recall,\Nso that we can repair it.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.02,0:05:45.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if a superbug is unresponsive\Nto a current vaccination,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.37,0:05:50.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we go back to the lab\Nto develop a new formulation.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.91,0:05:53.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When something doesn't work,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.84,0:05:58.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when anything doesn't work, we innovate.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.11,0:06:02.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So why do we accept\Nthe monogamous marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.20,0:06:06.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in its current form,\Ndespite its design flaws?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.29,0:06:10.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Could our relationships not benefit\Nfrom a stimulus package?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.83,0:06:13.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A temporary recall.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.04,0:06:17.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just overnight.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.10,0:06:20.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.04,0:06:24.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Isn't it time we go back to the lab\Nto dissect the issues,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:24.96,0:06:28.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,challenge the failing norm, and innovate?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.01,0:06:32.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, some couples have already done this.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.67,0:06:35.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They reject monogamy altogether.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.07,0:06:38.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Swingers for instance,\NI know a lot of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.55,0:06:41.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Surprise, surprise, the sexologist says.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.77,0:06:45.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They have sex with other people\Nand it works for them.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.19,0:06:52.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Polyamorous have emotional, intimate,\Nloving, and sexual relationships
Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.08,0:06:55.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with multiple partners\Nand it works for them.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.02,0:06:58.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And open relationships\Ncome in a huge range of forms
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.64,0:07:02.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that are custom designed by every couple
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.64,0:07:05.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or threesome or foursome, or moresome,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.52,0:07:06.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,\Nhowever it comes.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.97,0:07:10.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I know many couples\Nfor whom open relationships have worked,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.01,0:07:11.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rosa and Dan for instance.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.98,0:07:16.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After 22 years of marriage,\Nthey said, "Something's gotta give."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.22,0:07:18.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Their words, not mine.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.31,0:07:20.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So they decided to open\Ntheir relationship up
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.79,0:07:24.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and now they have lovers\Nacross North America,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.94,0:07:27.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they couldn't be happier.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.37,0:07:31.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But like monogamy,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.20,0:07:35.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,open relationships only work\Nfor a very small number of people.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.56,0:07:42.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,An estimated four to five, not 45,\Nfour to five percent have tried it
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.66,0:07:44.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a good degree of success.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.73,0:07:49.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The problem with open relationships\Nis that most of us just don't want one.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.14,0:07:52.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're okay with other people being open,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.65,0:07:54.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we don't want to share our partners.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.26,0:07:59.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Happily ever after with one true soul mate
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.33,0:08:04.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has been too firmly ingrained\Nin our subconciousness, since birth.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.23,0:08:07.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what we've determined so far
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.34,0:08:10.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that over here we have the monogamous.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.65,0:08:13.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Monogamy works\Nfor a small number of people.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.39,0:08:17.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Over here we have the non-monogamous,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.86,0:08:21.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that works for an even smaller\Npercentage of people.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.46,0:08:23.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the rest of us,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.37,0:08:27.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we fall somewhere in between.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.62,0:08:31.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what about the rest of us?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.12,0:08:32.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cheating isn't an option.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.39,0:08:34.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not even going to go there.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.08,0:08:39.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So how do we find our happily ever after?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.47,0:08:42.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed guests,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.57,0:08:43.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I submit to you
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.56,0:08:47.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the solution is to consider\N
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.53,0:08:52.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the gray area of the monogamish.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.12,0:08:54.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.57,0:08:57.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This term has been around for some time.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.66,0:08:59.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I remember hearing it as a kid
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.43,0:09:02.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I shouldn't have been listening\Nto my parents friends
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.45,0:09:06.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,back in the 80s, but it became\Npopularized by sex columnists,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.85,0:09:08.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Dan Savage, more recently.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.39,0:09:12.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Dan used this term\Nto describe his relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.92,0:09:16.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in which he is emotionally,\Nand practically, and lovingly
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.50,0:09:18.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,monogamous with his partner,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:18.98,0:09:22.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but sexually they're allowed\Nto do other things.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:22.86,0:09:26.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So to me, that's more\Nof an open relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.19,0:09:30.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what I suggest\Nis that we fine-tune the term -
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.71,0:09:33.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the philosophy of monogamish -
Dialogue: 0,0:09:33.53,0:09:35.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to make it more accessible\Nto the rest of us,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.98,0:09:38.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who fall in to this gray area.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.85,0:09:42.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's use monogamish
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.21,0:09:44.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to take the monotony out of monogamy\N
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.22,0:09:47.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a way that preserves the sanctity,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.87,0:09:52.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the safety, and the comfort\Nof our relationships.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.92,0:09:55.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, monogamish, what might this look like?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.40,0:10:01.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Monogamish couples\Nmight look to extramarital sources
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.90,0:10:03.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for sexual stimulation.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:04.71,0:10:07.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But only in thought, not in action.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:08.56,0:10:10.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if I'm monogamish,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.70,0:10:12.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there might have been\Na volunteer backstage
Dialogue: 0,0:10:12.72,0:10:13.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that was kinda cute.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.02,0:10:15.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I took a second look.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.55,0:10:18.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hope I didn't make him uncomfortable,\Nnever making him uncomfortable.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:18.89,0:10:21.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I might have had a break\Nand thought about him a little.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.27,0:10:24.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I might think about him later tonight.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.19,0:10:26.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.70,0:10:30.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'm never going to act\Nupon that thought.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.06,0:10:33.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this thought and thoughts like it
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.35,0:10:38.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that are forbidden\Nin so many monogamous relationships,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.59,0:10:44.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,admitting to this thought serves\Nto further stabilize my relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:10:44.68,0:10:47.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because when we put\Nthese forbidden thoughts
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.59,0:10:48.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out in the open,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.23,0:10:53.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we serve to reduce their power,\Nand we decrease the likelihood
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.04,0:10:56.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we'll actually act upon them.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.44,0:11:00.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, we have thought, but not action,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.00,0:11:05.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then we have talk, but not touch.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.70,0:11:09.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So monogamish couples\Nmight look to extramarital sources
Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.82,0:11:15.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for sexual arousal and pleasure\Nin a talk format with no touch.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.56,0:11:22.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Flirting with other people comes to mind\Nas a really good example of this.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.82,0:11:24.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, bear with me a moment.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.77,0:11:27.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Picture this: you're at a bar,\Nhere with you partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.34,0:11:29.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Say you're with your husband.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.14,0:11:32.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's a waitress\Nand she's kinda cute.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.33,0:11:33.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not too cute.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.56,0:11:36.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.65,0:11:39.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all have our limits.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.41,0:11:40.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So you tease him a little:\N
Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.80,0:11:45.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"She's really cute, isn't she?\NI think she was checking you out.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.15,0:11:47.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You look hot tonight, Babe."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:47.76,0:11:49.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She totally wasn't checking him out,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.72,0:11:52.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they all like\Na good stroking of the ego.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.15,0:11:58.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,With your coaxing, maybe,\Nhe even flirts with her a little.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.77,0:12:01.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe you get in on that flirting, too.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.03,0:12:05.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Obviously showing her the utmost respect\Nand respect for your relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.21,0:12:07.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At the end of the night,\Nyou go home together,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:07.75,0:12:09.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you and your husband, not the waitress.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.62,0:12:10.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.36,0:12:11.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's be clear here.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.91,0:12:15.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You go home and you continue the fantasy.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:12:15.30,0:12:17.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You weave it in the bedroom.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.59,0:12:19.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You even talk about having a threesome.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.01,0:12:21.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh Babe, you look so hot tonight.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.71,0:12:23.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I totally want to bring her home with us.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.69,0:12:26.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, I'd love to, absolutely,\Ndon't you want four hands on you?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.75,0:12:29.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can't you imagine, I'd love to share you."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.48,0:12:30.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's just talk.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:31.40,0:12:33.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You pull out all the stops.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:33.38,0:12:36.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You drive him into a frenzy
Dialogue: 0,0:12:36.70,0:12:39.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then you both get off,\Nyou have a great time.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:39.17,0:12:40.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you're done,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.80,0:12:44.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you take him by the hand\Nand look him in the eye and you say,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.93,0:12:46.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Don't even think about it."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.66,0:12:48.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.90,0:12:53.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he knows and says,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.36,0:12:55.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Of course not, Babe,\Nthat was amazing, thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.75,0:12:56.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're all I want.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.65,0:12:59.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I get you anything,\Na beer or a cheeseburger?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.01,0:13:00.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.62,0:13:02.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Isn't that how it should always end?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:03.20,0:13:04.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Alright.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:04.38,0:13:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You break the norms of rigid monogamy\Nwithout ever touching another person.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.42,0:13:12.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's just talk.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.98,0:13:18.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All the flirting, all the fantasy,\Nthe four hands, the waitress.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:18.68,0:13:20.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're never going\Nto that bar again, by the way.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.01,0:13:22.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So one shot deal.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.79,0:13:26.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's just talk, nothing more.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.24,0:13:30.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, we have thought, but not action.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.41,0:13:33.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have talk, but not touch.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.08,0:13:35.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then we have couples,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.100,0:13:40.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who make this foray into monogamish\Nterritory, and they love it.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:40.43,0:13:43.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They relish in it, and they say,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.30,0:13:45.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You know what?\NThings have never been better.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.70,0:13:47.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's take it to another level."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.31,0:13:50.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those couples might decide,\N"Let's go to a strip club.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.38,0:13:53.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's get a couple of lap dances."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.38,0:13:57.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A few years later, maybe they work\Ntheir way into the back room,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.78,0:13:59.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the champagne room.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:59.52,0:14:01.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't even know what goes on in there.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:01.50,0:14:02.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.34,0:14:06.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe they love the dirty talk element\Nand they want to bring a third person in,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:06.16,0:14:09.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they don't want the threat\Nof a real live person in the flesh.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.05,0:14:12.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So they call a phone sex line together.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:13.02,0:14:16.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know, it's not 1982,\Nbut they still exist.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.34,0:14:19.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they make a lot of money,\Nit's a profitable industry.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.84,0:14:22.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe they know someone who is a swinger,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:23.52,0:14:25.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they've been invited\Nto swinger parties.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:25.79,0:14:27.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, they do not want to swing,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:28.17,0:14:30.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they like the idea of the environment,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:30.89,0:14:33.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of being around this kind\Nof erotic element;
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.73,0:14:38.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the edge, the sights,\Nthe sounds, the smells.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:38.63,0:14:40.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not the smells, forget that.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.75,0:14:43.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just the sights, and the sounds,\Nand the energy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.86,0:14:47.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What we have to remember\Nis that monogamish
Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.92,0:14:51.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is a mindset, not a manner.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:51.86,0:14:54.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You make it what you choose.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:54.37,0:14:56.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If the strip club doesn't appeal to you,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:56.47,0:14:57.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,don't go.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:57.71,0:15:01.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If the idea of flirting\Nwith a real live person
Dialogue: 0,0:15:01.11,0:15:02.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,seems just too risky,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:02.86,0:15:03.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,don't do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:03.68,0:15:07.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe you opt instead\Nto sign into a chat room together
Dialogue: 0,0:15:07.72,0:15:13.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or use a cam service for a little bit\Nof nighttime fun on a Saturday night.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:13.57,0:15:17.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is no universal formula\Nfor happily ever after.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:17.68,0:15:19.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's no formula for monogamish.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.86,0:15:22.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm simply suggesting\Nthat we might benefit
Dialogue: 0,0:15:23.02,0:15:25.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from considering options
Dialogue: 0,0:15:25.60,0:15:28.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,beyond the rigid norm of monogamy.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:29.97,0:15:33.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So now, you're thinking,\N"Okay, monogamish sounds good,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:33.77,0:15:35.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I love strippers."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:35.05,0:15:36.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:37.25,0:15:38.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:38.23,0:15:41.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now guys don't even have six-packs,\Nthey have eight-packs.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:42.15,0:15:43.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It doesn't sound bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:43.44,0:15:47.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're thinking, "This sounds okay,\Nbut how do I get over my insecurities?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:47.42,0:15:49.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do I deal with the jealousy?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.92,0:15:54.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Part of me would want to tear\Nthat sort-of-cute waitress's hair out.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:54.84,0:15:58.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or I don't want this ripped guys\Ngrinding up on my wife.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.31,0:15:59.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't handle that.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:59.37,0:16:01.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I gained weight during her pregnancy,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:16:01.41,0:16:03.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,had a lot of cravings.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:03.14,0:16:07.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can't expect a man to have a six-pack\Nafter pregnancy, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:08.31,0:16:11.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So these are all valid concerns.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:11.62,0:16:13.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't help you with the six-pack,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:13.74,0:16:16.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but every couple deals\Nwith these jealousies,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:16.65,0:16:20.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,these insecurities, these challenges,\Nin their very own way.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:20.94,0:16:22.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some take baby steps.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:23.52,0:16:29.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They don't dive into monogamish,\Nthey do it a little bit at a time.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:29.48,0:16:32.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They might start by simply admitting\N
Dialogue: 0,0:16:32.06,0:16:34.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to which celebrities they find attractive.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:34.41,0:16:37.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It could take the mirrors\Nto work their way up
Dialogue: 0,0:16:37.62,0:16:42.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to actually divulging their deepest,\Ndarkest fantasies.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:42.93,0:16:47.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But these years, that process,\Nis what makes it hot.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:48.59,0:16:52.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A little bit of fear and anxiety,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:52.31,0:16:57.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,balanced with love, comfort,\Nand security is the perfect recipe,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:57.59,0:17:01.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not only for love, but for lust.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.64,0:17:05.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Other couples, in addition\Nto taking baby steps,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:05.67,0:17:08.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they decide to compartmentalize\N
Dialogue: 0,0:17:09.28,0:17:11.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,their monogamish element\Nof their relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:11.76,0:17:14.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They say, "I really like\Nour relationship as it is.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:14.88,0:17:17.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I love a little bit of monogamish,\Nbut not too much."
Dialogue: 0,0:17:17.52,0:17:19.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So maybe, they make a rule
Dialogue: 0,0:17:19.36,0:17:22.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they only talk about fantasies\Nthat include other people
Dialogue: 0,0:17:23.01,0:17:24.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on special occasions.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:25.05,0:17:27.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or Tuesdays, or the month of March,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:27.42,0:17:28.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whatever works for them.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.21,0:17:33.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe they love the idea\Nof flirting with other people
Dialogue: 0,0:17:33.07,0:17:35.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because flirting is so much fun,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:35.44,0:17:38.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it brings out the sexual animal in you,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:38.41,0:17:39.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it boosts your self-esteem\N
Dialogue: 0,0:17:39.92,0:17:41.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it can actually be kind of hot
Dialogue: 0,0:17:41.87,0:17:44.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to watch your partner flirt\Nwith someone else,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:44.63,0:17:48.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,under the right consensual circumstances.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:48.94,0:17:53.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But maybe they only do this once a year,\Nwhen they're on vacation.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:53.81,0:17:57.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or maybe that bar with the waitress\Nis just too close to home,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:57.17,0:18:01.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so they only do it when they're together\Nat least 200 miles from their hometown;
Dialogue: 0,0:18:01.91,0:18:03.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whatever works for them.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:03.78,0:18:05.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some couples,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:06.78,0:18:10.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they go after monogamish\Nand they push their boundaries too far
Dialogue: 0,0:18:10.56,0:18:12.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they end up regretting it,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:12.00,0:18:14.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but regret is not tantamount to disaster.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:15.03,0:18:21.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mistakes are the most important\Nlearning and growth opportunities
Dialogue: 0,0:18:21.46,0:18:22.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:23.92,0:18:26.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we think of monogamish\Nor we think of relationships,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:26.99,0:18:28.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can think of it as a rubber band.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:29.79,0:18:32.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can stretch it in this direction,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:32.39,0:18:35.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it still goes back to its solid form.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:35.59,0:18:37.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can stretch it over here,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:37.27,0:18:40.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it doesn't mean that you ever\Nhave to do it again if you don't like it.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:40.81,0:18:44.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you stretch it this way,\Nit doesn't mean that the next time -
Dialogue: 0,0:18:44.07,0:18:46.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the next day, next month, next year -
Dialogue: 0,0:18:46.24,0:18:48.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you have to pull it further.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:48.24,0:18:51.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, you may not want to\Nbecause it can snap.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:52.30,0:18:57.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What we have to know is that progress\Nand relationships are elastic.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:57.26,0:18:59.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are not rigid.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:59.90,0:19:02.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, as we look at monogamish,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:02.79,0:19:05.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we can't just look at anecdote\Nand conjecture,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:05.58,0:19:07.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we also have to look at the science
Dialogue: 0,0:19:07.32,0:19:13.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of why monogamish relationships\Nmight be the panacea we seek
Dialogue: 0,0:19:13.45,0:19:18.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in response to this epidemic\Nof the failing monogamous marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:18.98,0:19:23.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There are, of course,\Nno universal set of rules
Dialogue: 0,0:19:23.17,0:19:26.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for a successful relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:26.63,0:19:29.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,However, there are some components
Dialogue: 0,0:19:29.74,0:19:34.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that tend to be present\Nin happy, lasting marriages.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:34.95,0:19:38.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first is habit-formed,\Nemotional expression.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:38.98,0:19:40.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Scientists like to sound fancy.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:40.76,0:19:42.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It means talking.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:42.32,0:19:44.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Talking about your feelings.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:44.67,0:19:47.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The good, the bad and the ugly.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:47.95,0:19:49.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Admit when you're jealous,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:49.33,0:19:52.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,admit when you're feeling\Na little bit off.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:52.29,0:19:53.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is important.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:53.92,0:19:58.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second involves a balance\Nbetween connectivity and freedom.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:59.04,0:20:02.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is all based in self-expansion theory.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:02.94,0:20:05.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The self-expansion theory explains\N
Dialogue: 0,0:20:05.03,0:20:08.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we are most happy\Nin our relationships
Dialogue: 0,0:20:09.41,0:20:13.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when our partners offer us\Nopportunities for growth.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:13.54,0:20:15.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Humans; we're animals,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:15.87,0:20:20.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we're programmed\Nto seek change, to seek novelty.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:20.44,0:20:21.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a hunger for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:21.79,0:20:25.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when our partners feed this hunger,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:25.82,0:20:30.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are more happy with them\Nand more attracted to them.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:31.25,0:20:34.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the third component
Dialogue: 0,0:20:34.19,0:20:36.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of a happy relationship\Nis an active sex life.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:36.89,0:20:38.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,An active sex life doesn't mean
Dialogue: 0,0:20:38.71,0:20:42.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you need to be swinging\Nfrom chandeliers or doing it every day,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:42.30,0:20:43.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or every week, or every month.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:43.77,0:20:48.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It just means that you put some effort\Ninto your sex life.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:49.21,0:20:53.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even the Pope and the Catholic cardinals\Nand the bishops know this.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:53.72,0:20:55.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you know why?
Dialogue: 0,0:20:55.45,0:20:57.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Last week at the Vatican,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:57.27,0:21:01.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,these celibate men\Nhad a symposium on marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:01.78,0:21:04.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They got together to discuss\Nwhat makes a marriage work,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:04.83,0:21:06.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they did invite in experts.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:06.45,0:21:08.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And one expert couple from Australia,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:08.89,0:21:11.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who has been married for 55 years,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:12.44,0:21:16.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,told this group of entirely celibate men
Dialogue: 0,0:21:17.29,0:21:19.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that their sex life has been,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:19.96,0:21:23.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and continues to be,\Nof paramount importance.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:24.47,0:21:26.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Very interesting to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:29.17,0:21:34.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, in my job, I work with couples\Nfrom all around the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:34.09,0:21:35.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,thousands per year.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:35.43,0:21:36.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what I've seen
Dialogue: 0,0:21:36.80,0:21:39.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that when couples consider\N
Dialogue: 0,0:21:41.47,0:21:47.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,opening up their definition of monogamy,\Neven in the smallest of ways,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:47.47,0:21:53.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it forces their relationship to thrive\Non these core elements.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:53.41,0:21:57.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Emotional expression,\Nconnectivity balanced with freedom,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:57.46,0:22:01.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and an active sex life become the norm,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:01.75,0:22:06.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as soon as you start to see\Nmonogamy along a continuum.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:08.16,0:22:10.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to give you an example\Nof these observations.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:10.75,0:22:14.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I host a reality show, sorry to say this,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:14.98,0:22:16.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the reality show is for PlayboyTV,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:16.86,0:22:20.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm proud to say\Nthat this reality show
Dialogue: 0,0:22:20.34,0:22:24.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is one of the few\Nreal programs on television.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:24.88,0:22:28.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So this show is about a big group\Nof swingers living in a house
Dialogue: 0,0:22:28.67,0:22:31.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and every weekend I bring in a new couple,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:31.64,0:22:35.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a newbie couple,\Nwho has never swung before,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:35.90,0:22:40.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so they can decide if perhaps\Nthey want to try it for themselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:41.11,0:22:44.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This house is called "The Swing House,"
Dialogue: 0,0:22:44.07,0:22:45.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I call it my personal lab
Dialogue: 0,0:22:45.80,0:22:50.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it allows me to observe couples\Nin their fairly natural habitat;
Dialogue: 0,0:22:51.03,0:22:53.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,expect for the cameras\Nand stuff like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:53.16,0:22:54.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:22:54.01,0:22:56.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You forget that they're there\Nafter a few minutes.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:57.22,0:23:00.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of these newbie couples,\Nwho have never swung before,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:00.70,0:23:02.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they decide to dive in headfirst.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:02.48,0:23:05.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They know that swinging\Nwas meant for them.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:05.16,0:23:09.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Others, on the other hand,\Nrealize very quickly
Dialogue: 0,0:23:09.36,0:23:13.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they are not cut out\Nfor sharing their partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:15.02,0:23:16.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the interesting thing is,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:16.41,0:23:20.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I learned so much from this second group
Dialogue: 0,0:23:20.52,0:23:23.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they don't want to be monogamous,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:23.74,0:23:26.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they don't want to be swingers.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:26.89,0:23:30.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the mere possibility\Nof opening up their relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:23:30.85,0:23:34.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,actually brings them closer together.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:36.08,0:23:38.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are forced\Nto talk about their feelings.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:38.65,0:23:41.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are forced to balance\Nthe needs of the couple
Dialogue: 0,0:23:41.09,0:23:42.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with the needs of the individual.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:42.69,0:23:45.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And of course, it's the PlayboyTV's\NSwing House, so obviously,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:45.61,0:23:47.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're forced to think\Nabout their sex life.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:47.73,0:23:53.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I want to be really clear,\Nmonogamish couples are not swingers.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:53.12,0:23:58.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I only use this example because\Nmany of them decide not to swing.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:58.59,0:24:02.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, they are practicing\Na version of monogamy.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:03.59,0:24:10.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We might call it monogamy 2.0,\Nand their marriages are thriving.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:12.31,0:24:17.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, will becoming monogamish\Nsave a failing marriage? Of course not.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:17.75,0:24:22.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It only addresses one component\Nof the relationship, the intimate part.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:22.80,0:24:27.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But this is an important component,\Nalong with kids and money.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:27.88,0:24:33.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sex is one of the most contentious issues\Nin the modern marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:33.74,0:24:36.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And though monogamish\Nwon't save a marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:36.77,0:24:39.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it may be the lifeline we need\N
Dialogue: 0,0:24:40.06,0:24:46.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to tilt the scales in favor\Nof the institution of marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:47.29,0:24:50.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have to do something\Nabout monogamy as our default setting
Dialogue: 0,0:24:50.28,0:24:52.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we are in crisis mode.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:53.56,0:24:54.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This crisis,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:54.92,0:24:57.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the failing monogamous marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:57.35,0:25:01.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is pushing us onto the brink\Nof a new frontier.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:01.93,0:25:04.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The monogamish solution\Nmight seem radical,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:04.87,0:25:07.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but what is our other option?
Dialogue: 0,0:25:08.16,0:25:09.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Failure?
Dialogue: 0,0:25:10.42,0:25:12.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whether we want to admit it or not,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:13.11,0:25:17.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,every couple in this room\Nand every couple out there
Dialogue: 0,0:25:17.66,0:25:19.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is at risk of failure.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:20.52,0:25:23.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a statistical reality.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:24.43,0:25:26.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I leave you with one question:
Dialogue: 0,0:25:27.54,0:25:31.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Would you consider\Ntilting your perspective
Dialogue: 0,0:25:32.20,0:25:36.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and opening your minds\Nto the possibility of the monogamish,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:37.54,0:25:41.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if it meant you could shield\Nyour relationship from this crisis,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:42.13,0:25:43.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,strenghten your bond,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:44.62,0:25:50.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and increase your chances\Nof living happily ever after?
Dialogue: 0,0:25:50.92,0:25:52.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:52.18,0:25:54.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)