0:00:11.189,0:00:12.759
Wow, hello, everyone.

0:00:12.759,0:00:14.709
I'm going to put down my phone,

0:00:14.709,0:00:19.089
and totally resist the urge to snap[br]a selfie to prove I was actually here.

0:00:20.283,0:00:22.579
As we have said,[br]my name is Jessica O'Reilly

0:00:22.579,0:00:26.149
and I am a sexologist.

0:00:27.153,0:00:29.779
A sexologist is, in fact, a real thing.

0:00:29.779,0:00:31.009
Do you believe me?

0:00:31.847,0:00:32.875
Three of you, okay.

0:00:32.875,0:00:36.865
So you're all on the side of my parents,[br]I get it, that's cool, no problem.

0:00:37.367,0:00:38.877
I got the tiger mom.

0:00:38.887,0:00:41.328
Well, a sexologist; what does that mean?

0:00:41.328,0:00:42.570
That means,

0:00:42.570,0:00:47.070
I spend a whole lot of time[br]talking about sex.

0:00:47.070,0:00:50.417
And almost no time actually having it.

0:00:50.427,0:00:51.847
(Laughter)

0:00:53.702,0:00:57.702
But I'm here today to talk to you[br]about a serious subject.

0:00:58.396,0:01:01.896
We are in a time of crisis.

0:01:02.517,0:01:06.727
We have a global epidemic[br]on our hands and it's airborne.

0:01:07.687,0:01:12.358
It affects the young and the old[br]and knows no geographical bounds.

0:01:12.358,0:01:18.438
Now, this problem is not unlike[br]other widespread crises,

0:01:18.457,0:01:21.717
the economy, climate change for instance.

0:01:22.465,0:01:26.465
But this crisis effects more of us,

0:01:26.477,0:01:31.807
in a more personal[br]and perceptible fashion.

0:01:32.501,0:01:34.861
It tears families apart.

0:01:35.470,0:01:40.620
It takes the most detrimental toll[br]on the most vulnerable among us

0:01:41.355,0:01:43.215
and it's contagious.

0:01:43.694,0:01:45.114
It's spreading.

0:01:45.707,0:01:49.167
Yet somehow, we're captivated by it.

0:01:50.024,0:01:56.474
I'm talking about the crisis[br]of the modern monogamous marriage.

0:01:57.786,0:02:02.925
Now, if I would have make you[br]a 50/50 offer in any realm of your life,

0:02:03.615,0:02:04.715
would you take it?

0:02:04.715,0:02:06.630
If I said, invest in my fun,

0:02:06.630,0:02:09.560
there's a 50 percent chance[br]you'll see a return.

0:02:09.560,0:02:11.227
Or sign this business deal,

0:02:11.227,0:02:14.847
you've got a 50 percent[br]chance of failure, but hey, why not?

0:02:14.854,0:02:17.114
Or hop on this flight,

0:02:17.114,0:02:22.457
you've got a 50/50 shot[br]at making it to your destination safely.

0:02:24.289,0:02:27.527
Even if I offered you[br]two free checked bags,

0:02:27.527,0:02:28.767
(Laughter)

0:02:28.767,0:02:30.937
you'd probably say no.

0:02:32.547,0:02:36.701
But the modern monogamous marriage

0:02:36.701,0:02:39.831
offers even lower statistical odds

0:02:39.831,0:02:44.741
when you factor in divorce rates[br]and the rates of infidelity.

0:02:44.757,0:02:49.247
Now, in North America,[br]divorce rates are over 40 percent,

0:02:49.697,0:02:53.257
higher, if you count your second[br]and third marriages.

0:02:53.650,0:02:56.510
In my family sometimes[br]we go on even above three.

0:02:56.510,0:02:58.190
Four, five, and six.

0:02:58.442,0:03:00.458
You know already about my husband's fights

0:03:00.458,0:03:01.599
because of Riaz.

0:03:01.599,0:03:03.692
So I might as well divulge some info.

0:03:03.692,0:03:07.779
Infidelity rates in North America[br]are between 25 and 45 percent,

0:03:07.779,0:03:12.889
depending on who's asking and who drank[br]their truth serum this morning.

0:03:13.853,0:03:15.493
And research suggests

0:03:15.497,0:03:18.917
that satisfaction rates[br]in marriage plummet

0:03:18.917,0:03:22.140
after the honeymoon phase,[br]never to recover.

0:03:22.460,0:03:23.438
Scary.

0:03:23.877,0:03:28.057
Now, many young people[br]are actually opting not to get married.

0:03:28.247,0:03:29.867
Marriage rates are on the decline.

0:03:29.868,0:03:32.534
Maybe because they've heard[br]that research shows

0:03:32.534,0:03:35.514
that married people[br]are, in fact, no happier

0:03:35.514,0:03:37.709
than their single counterparts.

0:03:38.530,0:03:41.060
And have you heard of mate poaching?

0:03:42.632,0:03:44.572
Apparently, 60 percent of men -

0:03:44.995,0:03:46.105
shame, shame -

0:03:46.610,0:03:48.213
and 54 percent of women -

0:03:48.213,0:03:49.937
we're not better, not much better -

0:03:49.937,0:03:55.287
have tried to woo someone away[br]from their current spouse.

0:03:55.913,0:03:57.553
What is going on?

0:03:58.415,0:04:01.605
So when we combine these statistics,[br]we look at the numbers.

0:04:01.627,0:04:03.792
We see that in marriage

0:04:03.792,0:04:08.802
50/50 is in fact a best case scenario.

0:04:09.874,0:04:13.524
Marriage is in a time of crisis.

0:04:14.698,0:04:18.694
Now, I'm not suggesting that we do away[br]with marriage; I'm a fan of marriage.

0:04:18.694,0:04:20.834
I even picked one up for myself.

0:04:20.849,0:04:22.329
(Laughter)

0:04:22.329,0:04:25.699
I've been happily married[br]to my husband for eight years,

0:04:25.699,0:04:27.249
living with him for 13.

0:04:28.247,0:04:35.157
What I am saying is that marriage[br]is a failure in human design.

0:04:35.496,0:04:39.941
It doesn't matter that research[br]says that marriage is good for my health

0:04:39.941,0:04:42.944
and even better for men's health,[br]somehow they always win.

0:04:42.944,0:04:45.367
And it doesn't matter[br]that we all go into marriage

0:04:45.367,0:04:49.007
with the most noble of intentions, right?

0:04:49.549,0:04:53.819
To live happily ever after,[br]to love our partner unconditionally,

0:04:53.819,0:04:58.546
to help them grow[br]into the best version of themselves.

0:04:58.546,0:05:01.026
Because it doesn't always end up this way.

0:05:01.307,0:05:03.617
Because of this failure in human design,

0:05:03.617,0:05:07.610
marriage can be restrictive[br]in personal growth,

0:05:07.610,0:05:12.880
and even repressive in its demands[br]of absolute monogamy.

0:05:14.581,0:05:16.296
In any other realm,

0:05:17.006,0:05:19.706
if we saw failure rates[br]like we see in marriage,

0:05:20.425,0:05:22.555
we would do something about it.

0:05:23.632,0:05:25.967
When the markets tumble,[br]we do something about it;

0:05:25.967,0:05:27.358
we adjust interest rates,

0:05:27.358,0:05:29.211
we enact austerity measures,

0:05:29.211,0:05:32.083
we develop stimulus packages.

0:05:33.753,0:05:34.493
Right?

0:05:34.493,0:05:35.793
(Laughter)

0:05:36.193,0:05:38.490
If a car malfunctions in some way,[br]

0:05:38.490,0:05:42.000
we issue a recall,[br]so that we can repair it.

0:05:42.018,0:05:45.368
And if a superbug is unresponsive[br]to a current vaccination,

0:05:45.368,0:05:50.217
we go back to the lab[br]to develop a new formulation.

0:05:51.908,0:05:53.842
When something doesn't work,[br]

0:05:53.842,0:05:58.152
when anything doesn't work, we innovate.

0:05:59.112,0:06:02.432
So why do we accept[br]the monogamous marriage

0:06:03.203,0:06:06.333
in its current form,[br]despite its design flaws?

0:06:07.289,0:06:10.669
Could our relationships not benefit[br]from a stimulus package?

0:06:11.834,0:06:13.565
A temporary recall.

0:06:16.035,0:06:17.515
Just overnight.

0:06:18.095,0:06:20.045
(Laughter)

0:06:20.045,0:06:24.956
Isn't it time we go back to the lab[br]to dissect the issues,

0:06:24.956,0:06:28.790
challenge the failing norm, and innovate?

0:06:30.008,0:06:32.648
Now, some couples have already done this.

0:06:32.669,0:06:35.249
They reject monogamy altogether.

0:06:36.072,0:06:38.742
Swingers for instance,[br]I know a lot of them.

0:06:39.553,0:06:41.653
Surprise, surprise, the sexologist says.

0:06:42.772,0:06:45.882
They have sex with other people[br]and it works for them.

0:06:46.190,0:06:52.080
Polyamorous have emotional, intimate,[br]loving, and sexual relationships

0:06:52.080,0:06:55.025
with multiple partners[br]and it works for them.

0:06:55.025,0:06:58.635
And open relationships[br]come in a huge range of forms

0:06:58.635,0:07:02.165
that are custom designed by every couple

0:07:02.635,0:07:05.515
or threesome or foursome, or moresome,

0:07:05.515,0:07:06.973
[br]however it comes.

0:07:06.973,0:07:10.014
Now, I know many couples[br]for whom open relationships have worked,

0:07:10.014,0:07:11.954
Rosa and Dan for instance.

0:07:11.977,0:07:16.617
After 22 years of marriage,[br]they said, "Something's gotta give."

0:07:17.221,0:07:18.312
Their words, not mine.

0:07:18.312,0:07:20.792
So they decided to open[br]their relationship up

0:07:20.792,0:07:24.245
and now they have lovers[br]across North America,

0:07:24.945,0:07:27.605
and they couldn't be happier.

0:07:29.373,0:07:31.203
But like monogamy,[br]

0:07:31.203,0:07:35.557
open relationships only work[br]for a very small number of people.

0:07:35.557,0:07:42.637
An estimated four to five, not 45,[br]four to five percent have tried it

0:07:42.655,0:07:44.805
with a good degree of success.

0:07:45.728,0:07:49.728
The problem with open relationships[br]is that most of us just don't want one.

0:07:50.142,0:07:52.632
We're okay with other people being open,

0:07:52.653,0:07:54.603
but we don't want to share our partners.

0:07:55.262,0:07:59.332
Happily ever after with one true soul mate

0:07:59.332,0:08:04.301
has been too firmly ingrained[br]in our subconciousness, since birth.

0:08:05.229,0:08:07.344
So what we've determined so far

0:08:07.344,0:08:10.624
is that over here we have the monogamous.

0:08:10.650,0:08:13.920
Monogamy works[br]for a small number of people.

0:08:14.393,0:08:17.843
Over here we have the non-monogamous,

0:08:17.863,0:08:21.433
and that works for an even smaller[br]percentage of people.

0:08:22.460,0:08:23.823
And the rest of us,

0:08:25.373,0:08:27.763
we fall somewhere in between.

0:08:28.623,0:08:31.093
So what about the rest of us?

0:08:31.117,0:08:32.390
Cheating isn't an option.

0:08:32.390,0:08:34.076
I'm not even going to go there.

0:08:34.076,0:08:39.406
So how do we find our happily ever after?

0:08:40.468,0:08:42.554
Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed guests,

0:08:42.574,0:08:43.874
I submit to you

0:08:44.556,0:08:47.646
that the solution is to consider[br]

0:08:48.526,0:08:52.916
the gray area of the monogamish.

0:08:53.116,0:08:54.956
(Laughter)

0:08:55.573,0:08:57.643
This term has been around for some time.

0:08:57.662,0:08:59.432
I remember hearing it as a kid

0:08:59.432,0:09:02.452
when I shouldn't have been listening[br]to my parents friends

0:09:02.452,0:09:06.568
back in the 80s, but it became[br]popularized by sex columnists,

0:09:06.846,0:09:08.386
Dan Savage, more recently.

0:09:08.386,0:09:12.896
And Dan used this term[br]to describe his relationship

0:09:12.922,0:09:16.502
in which he is emotionally,[br]and practically, and lovingly

0:09:16.502,0:09:18.473
monogamous with his partner,

0:09:18.981,0:09:22.341
but sexually they're allowed[br]to do other things.

0:09:22.862,0:09:26.172
So to me, that's more[br]of an open relationship.

0:09:26.190,0:09:30.152
So what I suggest[br]is that we fine-tune the term -

0:09:30.712,0:09:33.532
the philosophy of monogamish -

0:09:33.532,0:09:35.982
to make it more accessible[br]to the rest of us,

0:09:35.982,0:09:38.728
who fall in to this gray area.

0:09:39.846,0:09:42.206
Let's use monogamish

0:09:42.206,0:09:44.942
to take the monotony out of monogamy[br]

0:09:45.215,0:09:47.874
in a way that preserves the sanctity,[br]

0:09:47.874,0:09:52.294
the safety, and the comfort[br]of our relationships.

0:09:52.918,0:09:55.718
So, monogamish, what might this look like?

0:09:56.400,0:10:01.260
Monogamish couples[br]might look to extramarital sources

0:10:01.895,0:10:03.505
for sexual stimulation.

0:10:04.706,0:10:07.986
But only in thought, not in action.

0:10:08.558,0:10:10.358
So if I'm monogamish,

0:10:10.697,0:10:12.719
there might have been[br]a volunteer backstage

0:10:12.719,0:10:13.999
that was kinda cute.

0:10:14.016,0:10:15.526
So I took a second look.

0:10:15.546,0:10:18.890
I hope I didn't make him uncomfortable,[br]never making him uncomfortable.

0:10:18.890,0:10:21.740
I might have had a break[br]and thought about him a little.

0:10:22.273,0:10:24.173
I might think about him later tonight.

0:10:24.193,0:10:26.703
(Laughter)

0:10:26.703,0:10:30.483
But I'm never going to act[br]upon that thought.

0:10:31.060,0:10:33.351
And this thought and thoughts like it

0:10:33.351,0:10:38.561
that are forbidden[br]in so many monogamous relationships,

0:10:38.587,0:10:44.657
admitting to this thought serves[br]to further stabilize my relationship

0:10:44.682,0:10:47.592
because when we put[br]these forbidden thoughts

0:10:47.592,0:10:48.802
out in the open,

0:10:49.233,0:10:53.663
we serve to reduce their power,[br]and we decrease the likelihood

0:10:54.037,0:10:56.757
that we'll actually act upon them.

0:10:57.440,0:11:00.400
So, we have thought, but not action,

0:11:01.005,0:11:05.155
and then we have talk, but not touch.

0:11:05.701,0:11:09.821
So monogamish couples[br]might look to extramarital sources

0:11:09.821,0:11:15.963
for sexual arousal and pleasure[br]in a talk format with no touch.

0:11:16.557,0:11:22.367
Flirting with other people comes to mind[br]as a really good example of this.

0:11:22.823,0:11:24.423
So, bear with me a moment.

0:11:24.768,0:11:27.778
Picture this: you're at a bar,[br]here with you partner.

0:11:28.345,0:11:29.775
Say you're with your husband.

0:11:30.145,0:11:32.302
And there's a waitress[br]and she's kinda cute.

0:11:32.332,0:11:33.532
Not too cute.

0:11:33.560,0:11:36.510
(Laughter)

0:11:37.647,0:11:39.237
We all have our limits.

0:11:39.414,0:11:40.774
So you tease him a little:[br]

0:11:40.802,0:11:45.112
"She's really cute, isn't she?[br]I think she was checking you out.

0:11:46.149,0:11:47.739
You look hot tonight, Babe."

0:11:47.760,0:11:49.700
She totally wasn't checking him out,[br]

0:11:49.722,0:11:52.502
but they all like[br]a good stroking of the ego.

0:11:54.146,0:11:58.746
With your coaxing, maybe,[br]he even flirts with her a little.

0:11:58.766,0:12:01.026
Maybe you get in on that flirting, too.

0:12:01.033,0:12:05.033
Obviously showing her the utmost respect[br]and respect for your relationship.

0:12:05.211,0:12:07.501
At the end of the night,[br]you go home together,

0:12:07.747,0:12:09.615
you and your husband, not the waitress.

0:12:09.615,0:12:10.365
(Laughter)

0:12:10.365,0:12:11.567
Let's be clear here.

0:12:12.907,0:12:15.267
You go home and you continue the fantasy.[br]

0:12:15.305,0:12:17.235
You weave it in the bedroom.

0:12:17.591,0:12:19.981
You even talk about having a threesome.

0:12:20.007,0:12:21.710
"Oh Babe, you look so hot tonight.

0:12:21.710,0:12:23.690
I totally want to bring her home with us.

0:12:23.690,0:12:26.750
Yeah, I'd love to, absolutely,[br]don't you want four hands on you?

0:12:26.750,0:12:29.080
Can't you imagine, I'd love to share you."

0:12:29.482,0:12:30.842
It's just talk.

0:12:31.397,0:12:33.357
You pull out all the stops.

0:12:33.377,0:12:36.027
You drive him into a frenzy

0:12:36.700,0:12:39.170
and then you both get off,[br]you have a great time.

0:12:39.170,0:12:40.790
When you're done,

0:12:40.805,0:12:44.931
you take him by the hand[br]and look him in the eye and you say,

0:12:44.931,0:12:46.651
"Don't even think about it."

0:12:46.665,0:12:48.845
(Laughter)

0:12:50.902,0:12:53.362
And he knows and says,

0:12:53.362,0:12:55.752
"Of course not, Babe,[br]that was amazing, thank you.

0:12:55.752,0:12:56.647
You're all I want.

0:12:56.647,0:12:59.007
Can I get you anything,[br]a beer or a cheeseburger?"

0:12:59.007,0:13:00.620
(Laughter)

0:13:00.620,0:13:02.840
Isn't that how it should always end?

0:13:03.201,0:13:04.261
Alright.

0:13:04.385,0:13:11.005
You break the norms of rigid monogamy[br]without ever touching another person.

0:13:11.416,0:13:12.956
It's just talk.

0:13:12.984,0:13:18.664
All the flirting, all the fantasy,[br]the four hands, the waitress.

0:13:18.684,0:13:20.984
You're never going[br]to that bar again, by the way.

0:13:21.008,0:13:22.238
So one shot deal.

0:13:22.788,0:13:26.788
It's just talk, nothing more.

0:13:28.243,0:13:30.943
Now, we have thought, but not action.

0:13:31.410,0:13:33.560
We have talk, but not touch.

0:13:34.077,0:13:35.997
And then we have couples,

0:13:35.997,0:13:40.005
who make this foray into monogamish[br]territory, and they love it.

0:13:40.427,0:13:43.301
They relish in it, and they say,

0:13:43.301,0:13:45.681
"You know what?[br]Things have never been better.

0:13:45.705,0:13:47.285
Let's take it to another level."

0:13:47.310,0:13:50.860
Those couples might decide,[br]"Let's go to a strip club.

0:13:51.380,0:13:53.308
Let's get a couple of lap dances."

0:13:54.383,0:13:57.683
A few years later, maybe they work[br]their way into the back room,

0:13:57.778,0:13:59.008
the champagne room.

0:13:59.525,0:14:01.495
I don't even know what goes on in there.

0:14:01.495,0:14:02.343
(Laughter)

0:14:02.343,0:14:06.147
Maybe they love the dirty talk element[br]and they want to bring a third person in,

0:14:06.162,0:14:09.502
but they don't want the threat[br]of a real live person in the flesh.

0:14:10.050,0:14:12.310
So they call a phone sex line together.

0:14:13.017,0:14:16.069
I know, it's not 1982,[br]but they still exist.

0:14:16.339,0:14:19.093
And they make a lot of money,[br]it's a profitable industry.

0:14:19.835,0:14:22.715
Maybe they know someone who is a swinger,

0:14:23.523,0:14:25.633
and they've been invited[br]to swinger parties.

0:14:25.793,0:14:27.863
Now, they do not want to swing,

0:14:28.166,0:14:30.886
but they like the idea of the environment,

0:14:30.886,0:14:33.712
of being around this kind[br]of erotic element;

0:14:33.731,0:14:38.611
the edge, the sights,[br]the sounds, the smells.

0:14:38.634,0:14:40.724
Not the smells, forget that.

0:14:40.748,0:14:43.428
Just the sights, and the sounds,[br]and the energy.

0:14:43.862,0:14:47.920
What we have to remember[br]is that monogamish

0:14:47.920,0:14:51.020
is a mindset, not a manner.

0:14:51.865,0:14:54.055
You make it what you choose.

0:14:54.367,0:14:56.467
If the strip club doesn't appeal to you,

0:14:56.467,0:14:57.410
don't go.

0:14:57.713,0:15:01.113
If the idea of flirting[br]with a real live person

0:15:01.113,0:15:02.855
seems just too risky,

0:15:02.855,0:15:03.653
don't do it.

0:15:03.675,0:15:07.695
Maybe you opt instead[br]to sign into a chat room together

0:15:07.719,0:15:13.066
or use a cam service for a little bit[br]of nighttime fun on a Saturday night.

0:15:13.572,0:15:17.682
There is no universal formula[br]for happily ever after.

0:15:17.682,0:15:19.828
And there's no formula for monogamish.

0:15:19.855,0:15:22.445
I'm simply suggesting[br]that we might benefit

0:15:23.015,0:15:25.605
from considering options

0:15:25.605,0:15:28.408
beyond the rigid norm of monogamy.

0:15:29.968,0:15:33.748
So now, you're thinking,[br]"Okay, monogamish sounds good,

0:15:33.774,0:15:35.024
I love strippers."

0:15:35.052,0:15:36.892
(Laughter)

0:15:37.254,0:15:38.094
Right?

0:15:38.228,0:15:41.288
And now guys don't even have six-packs,[br]they have eight-packs.

0:15:42.150,0:15:43.437
It doesn't sound bad.

0:15:43.437,0:15:47.373
You're thinking, "This sounds okay,[br]but how do I get over my insecurities?

0:15:47.423,0:15:49.896
How do I deal with the jealousy?

0:15:49.918,0:15:54.258
Part of me would want to tear[br]that sort-of-cute waitress's hair out.

0:15:54.842,0:15:58.292
Or I don't want this ripped guys[br]grinding up on my wife.

0:15:58.313,0:15:59.371
I can't handle that.

0:15:59.371,0:16:01.413
I gained weight during her pregnancy,[br]

0:16:01.413,0:16:03.144
had a lot of cravings.

0:16:03.144,0:16:07.594
Can't expect a man to have a six-pack[br]after pregnancy, right?

0:16:08.307,0:16:11.287
So these are all valid concerns.

0:16:11.615,0:16:13.575
I can't help you with the six-pack,

0:16:13.736,0:16:16.626
but every couple deals[br]with these jealousies,

0:16:16.648,0:16:20.648
these insecurities, these challenges,[br]in their very own way.

0:16:20.935,0:16:22.995
Some take baby steps.

0:16:23.519,0:16:29.149
They don't dive into monogamish,[br]they do it a little bit at a time.

0:16:29.484,0:16:32.055
They might start by simply admitting[br]

0:16:32.055,0:16:34.385
to which celebrities they find attractive.

0:16:34.408,0:16:37.598
It could take the mirrors[br]to work their way up

0:16:37.619,0:16:42.379
to actually divulging their deepest,[br]darkest fantasies.

0:16:42.928,0:16:47.398
But these years, that process,[br]is what makes it hot.

0:16:48.589,0:16:52.019
A little bit of fear and anxiety,

0:16:52.307,0:16:57.587
balanced with love, comfort,[br]and security is the perfect recipe,

0:16:57.587,0:17:01.607
not only for love, but for lust.

0:17:02.635,0:17:05.435
Other couples, in addition[br]to taking baby steps,

0:17:05.672,0:17:08.832
they decide to compartmentalize[br]

0:17:09.280,0:17:11.764
their monogamish element[br]of their relationship.

0:17:11.764,0:17:14.882
They say, "I really like[br]our relationship as it is.

0:17:14.882,0:17:17.502
I love a little bit of monogamish,[br]but not too much."

0:17:17.525,0:17:19.365
So maybe, they make a rule

0:17:19.365,0:17:22.575
that they only talk about fantasies[br]that include other people

0:17:23.014,0:17:24.657
on special occasions.

0:17:25.047,0:17:27.417
Or Tuesdays, or the month of March,

0:17:27.417,0:17:28.957
whatever works for them.

0:17:29.213,0:17:33.043
Maybe they love the idea[br]of flirting with other people

0:17:33.072,0:17:35.442
because flirting is so much fun,

0:17:35.442,0:17:38.384
it brings out the sexual animal in you,

0:17:38.407,0:17:39.924
it boosts your self-esteem[br]

0:17:39.924,0:17:41.874
and it can actually be kind of hot

0:17:41.874,0:17:44.613
to watch your partner flirt[br]with someone else,

0:17:44.631,0:17:48.661
under the right consensual circumstances.

0:17:48.944,0:17:53.524
But maybe they only do this once a year,[br]when they're on vacation.

0:17:53.812,0:17:57.172
Or maybe that bar with the waitress[br]is just too close to home,

0:17:57.172,0:18:01.912
so they only do it when they're together[br]at least 200 miles from their hometown;

0:18:01.912,0:18:03.755
whatever works for them.

0:18:03.776,0:18:05.046
Some couples,

0:18:06.782,0:18:10.532
they go after monogamish[br]and they push their boundaries too far

0:18:10.556,0:18:12.000
and they end up regretting it,

0:18:12.000,0:18:14.430
but regret is not tantamount to disaster.

0:18:15.033,0:18:21.443
Mistakes are the most important[br]learning and growth opportunities

0:18:21.459,0:18:22.869
in a relationship.

0:18:23.922,0:18:26.792
When we think of monogamish[br]or we think of relationships,

0:18:26.989,0:18:28.919
you can think of it as a rubber band.

0:18:29.786,0:18:32.036
You can stretch it in this direction,

0:18:32.391,0:18:35.201
but it still goes back to its solid form.

0:18:35.588,0:18:37.271
You can stretch it over here,

0:18:37.271,0:18:40.808
and it doesn't mean that you ever[br]have to do it again if you don't like it.

0:18:40.814,0:18:44.067
And if you stretch it this way,[br]it doesn't mean that the next time -

0:18:44.067,0:18:46.243
the next day, next month, next year -

0:18:46.243,0:18:48.236
that you have to pull it further.

0:18:48.236,0:18:51.816
In fact, you may not want to[br]because it can snap.

0:18:52.298,0:18:57.238
What we have to know is that progress[br]and relationships are elastic.

0:18:57.264,0:18:59.064
They are not rigid.

0:18:59.899,0:19:02.489
Now, as we look at monogamish,

0:19:02.790,0:19:05.560
we can't just look at anecdote[br]and conjecture,

0:19:05.583,0:19:07.322
we also have to look at the science

0:19:07.322,0:19:13.452
of why monogamish relationships[br]might be the panacea we seek

0:19:13.452,0:19:18.460
in response to this epidemic[br]of the failing monogamous marriage.

0:19:18.978,0:19:23.128
There are, of course,[br]no universal set of rules

0:19:23.167,0:19:26.177
for a successful relationship.

0:19:26.628,0:19:29.428
However, there are some components

0:19:29.739,0:19:34.439
that tend to be present[br]in happy, lasting marriages.

0:19:34.953,0:19:38.953
The first is habit-formed,[br]emotional expression.

0:19:38.983,0:19:40.743
Scientists like to sound fancy.

0:19:40.764,0:19:42.074
It means talking.

0:19:42.317,0:19:44.127
Talking about your feelings.

0:19:44.672,0:19:47.702
The good, the bad and the ugly.

0:19:47.953,0:19:49.331
Admit when you're jealous,

0:19:49.331,0:19:52.291
admit when you're feeling[br]a little bit off.

0:19:52.291,0:19:53.569
This is important.

0:19:53.920,0:19:58.310
The second involves a balance[br]between connectivity and freedom.

0:19:59.041,0:20:02.731
It is all based in self-expansion theory.

0:20:02.942,0:20:05.033
The self-expansion theory explains[br]

0:20:05.033,0:20:08.833
that we are most happy[br]in our relationships

0:20:09.413,0:20:13.543
when our partners offer us[br]opportunities for growth.

0:20:13.543,0:20:15.566
Humans; we're animals,

0:20:15.869,0:20:20.419
and we're programmed[br]to seek change, to seek novelty.

0:20:20.441,0:20:21.771
We have a hunger for it.

0:20:21.793,0:20:25.283
And when our partners feed this hunger,

0:20:25.815,0:20:30.805
we are more happy with them[br]and more attracted to them.

0:20:31.250,0:20:34.190
Now, the third component

0:20:34.190,0:20:36.871
of a happy relationship[br]is an active sex life.

0:20:36.891,0:20:38.710
An active sex life doesn't mean

0:20:38.710,0:20:42.280
that you need to be swinging[br]from chandeliers or doing it every day,

0:20:42.305,0:20:43.769
or every week, or every month.

0:20:43.769,0:20:48.659
It just means that you put some effort[br]into your sex life.

0:20:49.210,0:20:53.710
Even the Pope and the Catholic cardinals[br]and the bishops know this.

0:20:53.724,0:20:55.124
Do you know why?

0:20:55.447,0:20:57.267
Last week at the Vatican,

0:20:57.267,0:21:01.014
these celibate men[br]had a symposium on marriage.

0:21:01.775,0:21:04.831
They got together to discuss[br]what makes a marriage work,

0:21:04.831,0:21:06.451
but they did invite in experts.

0:21:06.451,0:21:08.891
And one expert couple from Australia,

0:21:08.891,0:21:11.929
who has been married for 55 years,

0:21:12.445,0:21:16.105
told this group of entirely celibate men

0:21:17.293,0:21:19.963
that their sex life has been,

0:21:19.963,0:21:23.986
and continues to be,[br]of paramount importance.

0:21:24.472,0:21:26.042
Very interesting to me.

0:21:29.174,0:21:34.074
Now, in my job, I work with couples[br]from all around the world,

0:21:34.088,0:21:35.418
thousands per year.

0:21:35.429,0:21:36.802
And what I've seen

0:21:36.802,0:21:39.862
is that when couples consider[br]

0:21:41.472,0:21:47.032
opening up their definition of monogamy,[br]even in the smallest of ways,

0:21:47.468,0:21:53.048
it forces their relationship to thrive[br]on these core elements.

0:21:53.409,0:21:57.009
Emotional expression,[br]connectivity balanced with freedom,

0:21:57.460,0:22:01.750
and an active sex life become the norm,

0:22:01.750,0:22:06.869
as soon as you start to see[br]monogamy along a continuum.

0:22:08.159,0:22:10.746
I'm going to give you an example[br]of these observations.

0:22:10.746,0:22:14.976
I host a reality show, sorry to say this,

0:22:14.976,0:22:16.862
and the reality show is for PlayboyTV,

0:22:16.862,0:22:20.342
but I'm proud to say[br]that this reality show

0:22:20.342,0:22:24.876
is one of the few[br]real programs on television.

0:22:24.876,0:22:28.666
So this show is about a big group[br]of swingers living in a house

0:22:28.666,0:22:31.619
and every weekend I bring in a new couple,

0:22:31.645,0:22:35.175
a newbie couple,[br]who has never swung before,

0:22:35.895,0:22:40.555
so they can decide if perhaps[br]they want to try it for themselves.

0:22:41.113,0:22:44.043
This house is called "The Swing House,"

0:22:44.073,0:22:45.783
but I call it my personal lab

0:22:45.797,0:22:50.677
because it allows me to observe couples[br]in their fairly natural habitat;

0:22:51.031,0:22:53.155
expect for the cameras[br]and stuff like that.

0:22:53.155,0:22:54.011
(Laughter)

0:22:54.011,0:22:56.741
You forget that they're there[br]after a few minutes.

0:22:57.223,0:23:00.703
Some of these newbie couples,[br]who have never swung before,

0:23:00.703,0:23:02.485
they decide to dive in headfirst.

0:23:02.485,0:23:05.165
They know that swinging[br]was meant for them.

0:23:05.165,0:23:09.362
Others, on the other hand,[br]realize very quickly

0:23:09.362,0:23:13.525
that they are not cut out[br]for sharing their partner.

0:23:15.021,0:23:16.409
And the interesting thing is,

0:23:16.409,0:23:20.039
I learned so much from this second group

0:23:20.516,0:23:23.216
because they don't want to be monogamous,

0:23:23.744,0:23:26.334
and they don't want to be swingers.

0:23:26.893,0:23:30.853
But the mere possibility[br]of opening up their relationship

0:23:30.853,0:23:34.586
actually brings them closer together.

0:23:36.078,0:23:38.648
They are forced[br]to talk about their feelings.

0:23:38.648,0:23:41.089
They are forced to balance[br]the needs of the couple

0:23:41.089,0:23:42.687
with the needs of the individual.

0:23:42.687,0:23:45.607
And of course, it's the PlayboyTV's[br]Swing House, so obviously,

0:23:45.607,0:23:47.726
they're forced to think[br]about their sex life.

0:23:47.726,0:23:53.118
Now, I want to be really clear,[br]monogamish couples are not swingers.

0:23:53.118,0:23:58.018
I only use this example because[br]many of them decide not to swing.

0:23:58.588,0:24:02.948
In fact, they are practicing[br]a version of monogamy.

0:24:03.586,0:24:10.526
We might call it monogamy 2.0,[br]and their marriages are thriving.

0:24:12.306,0:24:17.746
Now, will becoming monogamish[br]save a failing marriage? Of course not.

0:24:17.746,0:24:22.800
It only addresses one component[br]of the relationship, the intimate part.

0:24:22.800,0:24:27.309
But this is an important component,[br]along with kids and money.

0:24:27.878,0:24:33.098
Sex is one of the most contentious issues[br]in the modern marriage.

0:24:33.736,0:24:36.766
And though monogamish[br]won't save a marriage,

0:24:36.766,0:24:39.725
it may be the lifeline we need[br]

0:24:40.059,0:24:46.419
to tilt the scales in favor[br]of the institution of marriage.

0:24:47.287,0:24:50.283
We have to do something[br]about monogamy as our default setting

0:24:50.283,0:24:52.740
because we are in crisis mode.

0:24:53.556,0:24:54.566
This crisis,

0:24:54.922,0:24:57.322
the failing monogamous marriage,

0:24:57.352,0:25:01.022
is pushing us onto the brink[br]of a new frontier.

0:25:01.926,0:25:04.866
The monogamish solution[br]might seem radical,

0:25:04.866,0:25:07.176
but what is our other option?

0:25:08.165,0:25:09.295
Failure?

0:25:10.423,0:25:12.653
Whether we want to admit it or not,

0:25:13.106,0:25:17.656
every couple in this room[br]and every couple out there

0:25:17.656,0:25:19.684
is at risk of failure.

0:25:20.520,0:25:23.680
It's a statistical reality.

0:25:24.430,0:25:26.600
So I leave you with one question:

0:25:27.539,0:25:31.729
Would you consider[br]tilting your perspective

0:25:32.202,0:25:36.792
and opening your minds[br]to the possibility of the monogamish,

0:25:37.542,0:25:41.652
if it meant you could shield[br]your relationship from this crisis,

0:25:42.134,0:25:43.724
strenghten your bond,

0:25:44.616,0:25:50.266
and increase your chances[br]of living happily ever after?

0:25:50.922,0:25:52.162
Thank you.

0:25:52.178,0:25:54.958
(Applause)