WEBVTT 00:00:11.189 --> 00:00:12.759 Wow, hello, everyone. 00:00:12.759 --> 00:00:14.709 I'm going to put down my phone, 00:00:14.709 --> 00:00:19.089 and totally resist the urge to snap a selfie to prove I was actually here. 00:00:20.283 --> 00:00:22.579 As we have said, my name is Jessica O'Reilly 00:00:22.579 --> 00:00:26.149 and I am a sexologist. 00:00:27.153 --> 00:00:29.779 A sexologist is, in fact, a real thing. 00:00:29.779 --> 00:00:31.009 Do you believe me? 00:00:31.847 --> 00:00:32.875 Three of you, okay. 00:00:32.875 --> 00:00:36.865 So you're all on the side of my parents, I get it, that's cool, no problem. 00:00:37.367 --> 00:00:38.877 I got the tiger mom. 00:00:38.887 --> 00:00:41.328 Well, a sexologist; what does that mean? 00:00:41.328 --> 00:00:42.570 That means, 00:00:42.570 --> 00:00:47.070 I spend a whole lot of time talking about sex. 00:00:47.070 --> 00:00:50.417 And almost no time actually having it. 00:00:50.427 --> 00:00:51.847 (Laughter) 00:00:53.702 --> 00:00:57.702 But I'm here today to talk to you about a serious subject. 00:00:58.396 --> 00:01:01.896 We are in a time of crisis. 00:01:02.517 --> 00:01:06.727 We have a global epidemic on our hands and it's airborne. 00:01:07.687 --> 00:01:12.358 It affects the young and the old and knows no geographical bounds. 00:01:12.358 --> 00:01:18.438 Now, this problem is not unlike other widespread crises, 00:01:18.457 --> 00:01:21.717 the economy, climate change for instance. 00:01:22.465 --> 00:01:26.465 But this crisis effects more of us, 00:01:26.477 --> 00:01:31.807 in a more personal and perceptible fashion. 00:01:32.501 --> 00:01:34.861 It tears families apart. 00:01:35.470 --> 00:01:40.620 It takes the most detrimental toll on the most vulnerable among us 00:01:41.355 --> 00:01:43.215 and it's contagious. 00:01:43.694 --> 00:01:45.114 It's spreading. 00:01:45.707 --> 00:01:49.167 Yet somehow, we're captivated by it. 00:01:50.024 --> 00:01:56.474 I'm talking about the crisis of the modern monogamous marriage. 00:01:57.786 --> 00:02:02.925 Now, if I would have make you a 50/50 offer in any realm of your life, 00:02:03.615 --> 00:02:04.715 would you take it? 00:02:04.715 --> 00:02:06.630 If I said, invest in my fun, 00:02:06.630 --> 00:02:09.560 there's a 50 percent chance you'll see a return. 00:02:09.560 --> 00:02:11.227 Or sign this business deal, 00:02:11.227 --> 00:02:14.847 you've got a 50 percent chance of failure, but hey, why not? 00:02:14.854 --> 00:02:17.114 Or hop on this flight, 00:02:17.114 --> 00:02:22.457 you've got a 50/50 shot at making it to your destination safely. 00:02:24.289 --> 00:02:27.527 Even if I offered you two free checked bags, 00:02:27.527 --> 00:02:28.767 (Laughter) 00:02:28.767 --> 00:02:30.937 you'd probably say no. 00:02:32.547 --> 00:02:36.701 But the modern monogamous marriage 00:02:36.701 --> 00:02:39.831 offers even lower statistical odds 00:02:39.831 --> 00:02:44.741 when you factor in divorce rates and the rates of infidelity. 00:02:44.757 --> 00:02:49.247 Now, in North America, divorce rates are over 40 percent, 00:02:49.697 --> 00:02:53.257 higher, if you count your second and third marriages. 00:02:53.650 --> 00:02:56.510 In my family sometimes we go on even above three. 00:02:56.510 --> 00:02:58.190 Four, five, and six. 00:02:58.442 --> 00:03:00.458 You know already about my husband's fights 00:03:00.458 --> 00:03:01.599 because of Riaz. 00:03:01.599 --> 00:03:03.692 So I might as well divulge some info. 00:03:03.692 --> 00:03:07.779 Infidelity rates in North America are between 25 and 45 percent, 00:03:07.779 --> 00:03:12.889 depending on who's asking and who drank their truth serum this morning. 00:03:13.853 --> 00:03:15.493 And research suggests 00:03:15.497 --> 00:03:18.917 that satisfaction rates in marriage plummet 00:03:18.917 --> 00:03:22.140 after the honeymoon phase, never to recover. 00:03:22.460 --> 00:03:23.438 Scary. 00:03:23.877 --> 00:03:28.057 Now, many young people are actually opting not to get married. 00:03:28.247 --> 00:03:29.867 Marriage rates are on the decline. 00:03:29.868 --> 00:03:32.534 Maybe because they've heard that research shows 00:03:32.534 --> 00:03:35.514 that married people are, in fact, no happier 00:03:35.514 --> 00:03:37.709 than their single counterparts. 00:03:38.530 --> 00:03:41.060 And have you heard of mate poaching? 00:03:42.632 --> 00:03:44.572 Apparently, 60 percent of men - 00:03:44.995 --> 00:03:46.105 shame, shame - 00:03:46.610 --> 00:03:48.213 and 54 percent of women - 00:03:48.213 --> 00:03:49.937 we're not better, not much better - 00:03:49.937 --> 00:03:55.287 have tried to woo someone away from their current spouse. 00:03:55.913 --> 00:03:57.553 What is going on? 00:03:58.415 --> 00:04:01.605 So when we combine these statistics, we look at the numbers. 00:04:01.627 --> 00:04:03.792 We see that in marriage 00:04:03.792 --> 00:04:08.802 50/50 is in fact a best case scenario. 00:04:09.874 --> 00:04:13.524 Marriage is in a time of crisis. 00:04:14.698 --> 00:04:18.694 Now, I'm not suggesting that we do away with marriage; I'm a fan of marriage. 00:04:18.694 --> 00:04:20.834 I even picked one up for myself. 00:04:20.849 --> 00:04:22.329 (Laughter) 00:04:22.329 --> 00:04:25.699 I've been happily married to my husband for eight years, 00:04:25.699 --> 00:04:27.249 living with him for 13. 00:04:28.247 --> 00:04:35.157 What I am saying is that marriage is a failure in human design. 00:04:35.496 --> 00:04:39.941 It doesn't matter that research says that marriage is good for my health 00:04:39.941 --> 00:04:42.944 and even better for men's health, somehow they always win. 00:04:42.944 --> 00:04:45.367 And it doesn't matter that we all go into marriage 00:04:45.367 --> 00:04:49.007 with the most noble of intentions, right? 00:04:49.549 --> 00:04:53.819 To live happily ever after, to love our partner unconditionally, 00:04:53.819 --> 00:04:58.546 to help them grow into the best version of themselves. 00:04:58.546 --> 00:05:01.026 Because it doesn't always end up this way. 00:05:01.307 --> 00:05:03.617 Because of this failure in human design, 00:05:03.617 --> 00:05:07.610 marriage can be restrictive in personal growth, 00:05:07.610 --> 00:05:12.880 and even repressive in its demands of absolute monogamy. 00:05:14.581 --> 00:05:16.296 In any other realm, 00:05:17.006 --> 00:05:19.706 if we saw failure rates like we see in marriage, 00:05:20.425 --> 00:05:22.555 we would do something about it. 00:05:23.632 --> 00:05:25.967 When the markets tumble, we do something about it; 00:05:25.967 --> 00:05:27.358 we adjust interest rates, 00:05:27.358 --> 00:05:29.211 we enact austerity measures, 00:05:29.211 --> 00:05:32.083 we develop stimulus packages. 00:05:33.753 --> 00:05:34.493 Right? 00:05:34.493 --> 00:05:35.793 (Laughter) 00:05:36.193 --> 00:05:38.490 If a car malfunctions in some way, 00:05:38.490 --> 00:05:42.000 we issue a recall, so that we can repair it. 00:05:42.018 --> 00:05:45.368 And if a superbug is unresponsive to a current vaccination, 00:05:45.368 --> 00:05:50.217 we go back to the lab to develop a new formulation. 00:05:51.908 --> 00:05:53.842 When something doesn't work, 00:05:53.842 --> 00:05:58.152 when anything doesn't work, we innovate. 00:05:59.112 --> 00:06:02.432 So why do we accept the monogamous marriage 00:06:03.203 --> 00:06:06.333 in its current form, despite its design flaws? 00:06:07.289 --> 00:06:10.669 Could our relationships not benefit from a stimulus package? 00:06:11.834 --> 00:06:13.565 A temporary recall. 00:06:16.035 --> 00:06:17.515 Just overnight. 00:06:18.095 --> 00:06:20.045 (Laughter) 00:06:20.045 --> 00:06:24.956 Isn't it time we go back to the lab to dissect the issues, 00:06:24.956 --> 00:06:28.790 challenge the failing norm, and innovate? 00:06:30.008 --> 00:06:32.648 Now, some couples have already done this. 00:06:32.669 --> 00:06:35.249 They reject monogamy altogether. 00:06:36.072 --> 00:06:38.742 Swingers for instance, I know a lot of them. 00:06:39.553 --> 00:06:41.653 Surprise, surprise, the sexologist says. 00:06:42.772 --> 00:06:45.882 They have sex with other people and it works for them. 00:06:46.190 --> 00:06:52.080 Polyamorous have emotional, intimate, loving, and sexual relationships 00:06:52.080 --> 00:06:55.025 with multiple partners and it works for them. 00:06:55.025 --> 00:06:58.635 And open relationships come in a huge range of forms 00:06:58.635 --> 00:07:02.165 that are custom designed by every couple 00:07:02.635 --> 00:07:05.515 or threesome or foursome, or moresome, 00:07:05.515 --> 00:07:06.973 however it comes. 00:07:06.973 --> 00:07:10.014 Now, I know many couples for whom open relationships have worked, 00:07:10.014 --> 00:07:11.954 Rosa and Dan for instance. 00:07:11.977 --> 00:07:16.617 After 22 years of marriage, they said, "Something's gotta give." 00:07:17.221 --> 00:07:18.312 Their words, not mine. 00:07:18.312 --> 00:07:20.792 So they decided to open their relationship up 00:07:20.792 --> 00:07:24.245 and now they have lovers across North America, 00:07:24.945 --> 00:07:27.605 and they couldn't be happier. 00:07:29.373 --> 00:07:31.203 But like monogamy, 00:07:31.203 --> 00:07:35.557 open relationships only work for a very small number of people. 00:07:35.557 --> 00:07:42.637 An estimated four to five, not 45, four to five percent have tried it 00:07:42.655 --> 00:07:44.805 with a good degree of success. 00:07:45.728 --> 00:07:49.728 The problem with open relationships is that most of us just don't want one. 00:07:50.142 --> 00:07:52.632 We're okay with other people being open, 00:07:52.653 --> 00:07:54.603 but we don't want to share our partners. 00:07:55.262 --> 00:07:59.332 Happily ever after with one true soul mate 00:07:59.332 --> 00:08:04.301 has been too firmly ingrained in our subconciousness, since birth. 00:08:05.229 --> 00:08:07.344 So what we've determined so far 00:08:07.344 --> 00:08:10.624 is that over here we have the monogamous. 00:08:10.650 --> 00:08:13.920 Monogamy works for a small number of people. 00:08:14.393 --> 00:08:17.843 Over here we have the non-monogamous, 00:08:17.863 --> 00:08:21.433 and that works for an even smaller percentage of people. 00:08:22.460 --> 00:08:23.823 And the rest of us, 00:08:25.373 --> 00:08:27.763 we fall somewhere in between. 00:08:28.623 --> 00:08:31.093 So what about the rest of us? 00:08:31.117 --> 00:08:32.390 Cheating isn't an option. 00:08:32.390 --> 00:08:34.076 I'm not even going to go there. 00:08:34.076 --> 00:08:39.406 So how do we find our happily ever after? 00:08:40.468 --> 00:08:42.554 Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed guests, 00:08:42.574 --> 00:08:43.874 I submit to you 00:08:44.556 --> 00:08:47.646 that the solution is to consider 00:08:48.526 --> 00:08:52.916 the gray area of the monogamish. 00:08:53.116 --> 00:08:54.956 (Laughter) 00:08:55.573 --> 00:08:57.643 This term has been around for some time. 00:08:57.662 --> 00:08:59.432 I remember hearing it as a kid 00:08:59.432 --> 00:09:02.452 when I shouldn't have been listening to my parents friends 00:09:02.452 --> 00:09:06.568 back in the 80s, but it became popularized by sex columnists, 00:09:06.846 --> 00:09:08.386 Dan Savage, more recently. 00:09:08.386 --> 00:09:12.896 And Dan used this term to describe his relationship 00:09:12.922 --> 00:09:16.502 in which he is emotionally, and practically, and lovingly 00:09:16.502 --> 00:09:18.473 monogamous with his partner, 00:09:18.981 --> 00:09:22.341 but sexually they're allowed to do other things. 00:09:22.862 --> 00:09:26.172 So to me, that's more of an open relationship. 00:09:26.190 --> 00:09:30.152 So what I suggest is that we fine-tune the term - 00:09:30.712 --> 00:09:33.532 the philosophy of monogamish - 00:09:33.532 --> 00:09:35.982 to make it more accessible to the rest of us, 00:09:35.982 --> 00:09:38.728 who fall in to this gray area. 00:09:39.846 --> 00:09:42.206 Let's use monogamish 00:09:42.206 --> 00:09:44.942 to take the monotony out of monogamy 00:09:45.215 --> 00:09:47.874 in a way that preserves the sanctity, 00:09:47.874 --> 00:09:52.294 the safety, and the comfort of our relationships. 00:09:52.918 --> 00:09:55.718 So, monogamish, what might this look like? 00:09:56.400 --> 00:10:01.260 Monogamish couples might look to extramarital sources 00:10:01.895 --> 00:10:03.505 for sexual stimulation. 00:10:04.706 --> 00:10:07.986 But only in thought, not in action. 00:10:08.558 --> 00:10:10.358 So if I'm monogamish, 00:10:10.697 --> 00:10:12.719 there might have been a volunteer backstage 00:10:12.719 --> 00:10:13.999 that was kinda cute. 00:10:14.016 --> 00:10:15.526 So I took a second look. 00:10:15.546 --> 00:10:18.890 I hope I didn't make him uncomfortable, never making him uncomfortable. 00:10:18.890 --> 00:10:21.740 I might have had a break and thought about him a little. 00:10:22.273 --> 00:10:24.173 I might think about him later tonight. 00:10:24.193 --> 00:10:26.703 (Laughter) 00:10:26.703 --> 00:10:30.483 But I'm never going to act upon that thought. 00:10:31.060 --> 00:10:33.351 And this thought and thoughts like it 00:10:33.351 --> 00:10:38.561 that are forbidden in so many monogamous relationships, 00:10:38.587 --> 00:10:44.657 admitting to this thought serves to further stabilize my relationship 00:10:44.682 --> 00:10:47.592 because when we put these forbidden thoughts 00:10:47.592 --> 00:10:48.802 out in the open, 00:10:49.233 --> 00:10:53.663 we serve to reduce their power, and we decrease the likelihood 00:10:54.037 --> 00:10:56.757 that we'll actually act upon them. 00:10:57.440 --> 00:11:00.400 So, we have thought, but not action, 00:11:01.005 --> 00:11:05.155 and then we have talk, but not touch. 00:11:05.701 --> 00:11:09.821 So monogamish couples might look to extramarital sources 00:11:09.821 --> 00:11:15.963 for sexual arousal and pleasure in a talk format with no touch. 00:11:16.557 --> 00:11:22.367 Flirting with other people comes to mind as a really good example of this. 00:11:22.823 --> 00:11:24.423 So, bear with me a moment. 00:11:24.768 --> 00:11:27.778 Picture this: you're at a bar, here with you partner. 00:11:28.345 --> 00:11:29.775 Say you're with your husband. 00:11:30.145 --> 00:11:32.302 And there's a waitress and she's kinda cute. 00:11:32.332 --> 00:11:33.532 Not too cute. 00:11:33.560 --> 00:11:36.510 (Laughter) 00:11:37.647 --> 00:11:39.237 We all have our limits. 00:11:39.414 --> 00:11:40.774 So you tease him a little: 00:11:40.802 --> 00:11:45.112 "She's really cute, isn't she? I think she was checking you out. 00:11:46.149 --> 00:11:47.739 You look hot tonight, Babe." 00:11:47.760 --> 00:11:49.700 She totally wasn't checking him out, 00:11:49.722 --> 00:11:52.502 but they all like a good stroking of the ego. 00:11:54.146 --> 00:11:58.746 With your coaxing, maybe, he even flirts with her a little. 00:11:58.766 --> 00:12:01.026 Maybe you get in on that flirting, too. 00:12:01.033 --> 00:12:05.033 Obviously showing her the utmost respect and respect for your relationship. 00:12:05.211 --> 00:12:07.501 At the end of the night, you go home together, 00:12:07.747 --> 00:12:09.615 you and your husband, not the waitress. 00:12:09.615 --> 00:12:10.365 (Laughter) 00:12:10.365 --> 00:12:11.567 Let's be clear here. 00:12:12.907 --> 00:12:15.267 You go home and you continue the fantasy. 00:12:15.305 --> 00:12:17.235 You weave it in the bedroom. 00:12:17.591 --> 00:12:19.981 You even talk about having a threesome. 00:12:20.007 --> 00:12:21.710 "Oh Babe, you look so hot tonight. 00:12:21.710 --> 00:12:23.690 I totally want to bring her home with us. 00:12:23.690 --> 00:12:26.750 Yeah, I'd love to, absolutely, don't you want four hands on you? 00:12:26.750 --> 00:12:29.080 Can't you imagine, I'd love to share you." 00:12:29.482 --> 00:12:30.842 It's just talk. 00:12:31.397 --> 00:12:33.357 You pull out all the stops. 00:12:33.377 --> 00:12:36.027 You drive him into a frenzy 00:12:36.700 --> 00:12:39.170 and then you both get off, you have a great time. 00:12:39.170 --> 00:12:40.790 When you're done, 00:12:40.805 --> 00:12:44.931 you take him by the hand and look him in the eye and you say, 00:12:44.931 --> 00:12:46.651 "Don't even think about it." 00:12:46.665 --> 00:12:48.845 (Laughter) 00:12:50.902 --> 00:12:53.362 And he knows and says, 00:12:53.362 --> 00:12:55.752 "Of course not, Babe, that was amazing, thank you. 00:12:55.752 --> 00:12:56.647 You're all I want. 00:12:56.647 --> 00:12:59.007 Can I get you anything, a beer or a cheeseburger?" 00:12:59.007 --> 00:13:00.620 (Laughter) 00:13:00.620 --> 00:13:02.840 Isn't that how it should always end? 00:13:03.201 --> 00:13:04.261 Alright. 00:13:04.385 --> 00:13:11.005 You break the norms of rigid monogamy without ever touching another person. 00:13:11.416 --> 00:13:12.956 It's just talk. 00:13:12.984 --> 00:13:18.664 All the flirting, all the fantasy, the four hands, the waitress. 00:13:18.684 --> 00:13:20.984 You're never going to that bar again, by the way. 00:13:21.008 --> 00:13:22.238 So one shot deal. 00:13:22.788 --> 00:13:26.788 It's just talk, nothing more. 00:13:28.243 --> 00:13:30.943 Now, we have thought, but not action. 00:13:31.410 --> 00:13:33.560 We have talk, but not touch. 00:13:34.077 --> 00:13:35.997 And then we have couples, 00:13:35.997 --> 00:13:40.005 who make this foray into monogamish territory, and they love it. 00:13:40.427 --> 00:13:43.301 They relish in it, and they say, 00:13:43.301 --> 00:13:45.681 "You know what? Things have never been better. 00:13:45.705 --> 00:13:47.285 Let's take it to another level." 00:13:47.310 --> 00:13:50.860 Those couples might decide, "Let's go to a strip club. 00:13:51.380 --> 00:13:53.308 Let's get a couple of lap dances." 00:13:54.383 --> 00:13:57.683 A few years later, maybe they work their way into the back room, 00:13:57.778 --> 00:13:59.008 the champagne room. 00:13:59.525 --> 00:14:01.495 I don't even know what goes on in there. 00:14:01.495 --> 00:14:02.343 (Laughter) 00:14:02.343 --> 00:14:06.147 Maybe they love the dirty talk element and they want to bring a third person in, 00:14:06.162 --> 00:14:09.502 but they don't want the threat of a real live person in the flesh. 00:14:10.050 --> 00:14:12.310 So they call a phone sex line together. 00:14:13.017 --> 00:14:16.069 I know, it's not 1982, but they still exist. 00:14:16.339 --> 00:14:19.093 And they make a lot of money, it's a profitable industry. 00:14:19.835 --> 00:14:22.715 Maybe they know someone who is a swinger, 00:14:23.523 --> 00:14:25.633 and they've been invited to swinger parties. 00:14:25.793 --> 00:14:27.863 Now, they do not want to swing, 00:14:28.166 --> 00:14:30.886 but they like the idea of the environment, 00:14:30.886 --> 00:14:33.712 of being around this kind of erotic element; 00:14:33.731 --> 00:14:38.611 the edge, the sights, the sounds, the smells. 00:14:38.634 --> 00:14:40.724 Not the smells, forget that. 00:14:40.748 --> 00:14:43.428 Just the sights, and the sounds, and the energy. 00:14:43.862 --> 00:14:47.920 What we have to remember is that monogamish 00:14:47.920 --> 00:14:51.020 is a mindset, not a manner. 00:14:51.865 --> 00:14:54.055 You make it what you choose. 00:14:54.367 --> 00:14:56.467 If the strip club doesn't appeal to you, 00:14:56.467 --> 00:14:57.410 don't go. 00:14:57.713 --> 00:15:01.113 If the idea of flirting with a real live person 00:15:01.113 --> 00:15:02.855 seems just too risky, 00:15:02.855 --> 00:15:03.653 don't do it. 00:15:03.675 --> 00:15:07.695 Maybe you opt instead to sign into a chat room together 00:15:07.719 --> 00:15:13.066 or use a cam service for a little bit of nighttime fun on a Saturday night. 00:15:13.572 --> 00:15:17.682 There is no universal formula for happily ever after. 00:15:17.682 --> 00:15:19.828 And there's no formula for monogamish. 00:15:19.855 --> 00:15:22.445 I'm simply suggesting that we might benefit 00:15:23.015 --> 00:15:25.605 from considering options 00:15:25.605 --> 00:15:28.408 beyond the rigid norm of monogamy. 00:15:29.968 --> 00:15:33.748 So now, you're thinking, "Okay, monogamish sounds good, 00:15:33.774 --> 00:15:35.024 I love strippers." 00:15:35.052 --> 00:15:36.892 (Laughter) 00:15:37.254 --> 00:15:38.094 Right? 00:15:38.228 --> 00:15:41.288 And now guys don't even have six-packs, they have eight-packs. 00:15:42.150 --> 00:15:43.437 It doesn't sound bad. 00:15:43.437 --> 00:15:47.373 You're thinking, "This sounds okay, but how do I get over my insecurities? 00:15:47.423 --> 00:15:49.896 How do I deal with the jealousy? 00:15:49.918 --> 00:15:54.258 Part of me would want to tear that sort-of-cute waitress's hair out. 00:15:54.842 --> 00:15:58.292 Or I don't want this ripped guys grinding up on my wife. 00:15:58.313 --> 00:15:59.371 I can't handle that. 00:15:59.371 --> 00:16:01.413 I gained weight during her pregnancy, 00:16:01.413 --> 00:16:03.144 had a lot of cravings. 00:16:03.144 --> 00:16:07.594 Can't expect a man to have a six-pack after pregnancy, right? 00:16:08.307 --> 00:16:11.287 So these are all valid concerns. 00:16:11.615 --> 00:16:13.575 I can't help you with the six-pack, 00:16:13.736 --> 00:16:16.626 but every couple deals with these jealousies, 00:16:16.648 --> 00:16:20.648 these insecurities, these challenges, in their very own way. 00:16:20.935 --> 00:16:22.995 Some take baby steps. 00:16:23.519 --> 00:16:29.149 They don't dive into monogamish, they do it a little bit at a time. 00:16:29.484 --> 00:16:32.055 They might start by simply admitting 00:16:32.055 --> 00:16:34.385 to which celebrities they find attractive. 00:16:34.408 --> 00:16:37.598 It could take the mirrors to work their way up 00:16:37.619 --> 00:16:42.379 to actually divulging their deepest, darkest fantasies. 00:16:42.928 --> 00:16:47.398 But these years, that process, is what makes it hot. 00:16:48.589 --> 00:16:52.019 A little bit of fear and anxiety, 00:16:52.307 --> 00:16:57.587 balanced with love, comfort, and security is the perfect recipe, 00:16:57.587 --> 00:17:01.607 not only for love, but for lust. 00:17:02.635 --> 00:17:05.435 Other couples, in addition to taking baby steps, 00:17:05.672 --> 00:17:08.832 they decide to compartmentalize 00:17:09.280 --> 00:17:11.764 their monogamish element of their relationship. 00:17:11.764 --> 00:17:14.882 They say, "I really like our relationship as it is. 00:17:14.882 --> 00:17:17.502 I love a little bit of monogamish, but not too much." 00:17:17.525 --> 00:17:19.365 So maybe, they make a rule 00:17:19.365 --> 00:17:22.575 that they only talk about fantasies that include other people 00:17:23.014 --> 00:17:24.657 on special occasions. 00:17:25.047 --> 00:17:27.417 Or Tuesdays, or the month of March, 00:17:27.417 --> 00:17:28.957 whatever works for them. 00:17:29.213 --> 00:17:33.043 Maybe they love the idea of flirting with other people 00:17:33.072 --> 00:17:35.442 because flirting is so much fun, 00:17:35.442 --> 00:17:38.384 it brings out the sexual animal in you, 00:17:38.407 --> 00:17:39.924 it boosts your self-esteem 00:17:39.924 --> 00:17:41.874 and it can actually be kind of hot 00:17:41.874 --> 00:17:44.613 to watch your partner flirt with someone else, 00:17:44.631 --> 00:17:48.661 under the right consensual circumstances. 00:17:48.944 --> 00:17:53.524 But maybe they only do this once a year, when they're on vacation. 00:17:53.812 --> 00:17:57.172 Or maybe that bar with the waitress is just too close to home, 00:17:57.172 --> 00:18:01.912 so they only do it when they're together at least 200 miles from their hometown; 00:18:01.912 --> 00:18:03.755 whatever works for them. 00:18:03.776 --> 00:18:05.046 Some couples, 00:18:06.782 --> 00:18:10.532 they go after monogamish and they push their boundaries too far 00:18:10.556 --> 00:18:12.000 and they end up regretting it, 00:18:12.000 --> 00:18:14.430 but regret is not tantamount to disaster. 00:18:15.033 --> 00:18:21.443 Mistakes are the most important learning and growth opportunities 00:18:21.459 --> 00:18:22.869 in a relationship. 00:18:23.922 --> 00:18:26.792 When we think of monogamish or we think of relationships, 00:18:26.989 --> 00:18:28.919 you can think of it as a rubber band. 00:18:29.786 --> 00:18:32.036 You can stretch it in this direction, 00:18:32.391 --> 00:18:35.201 but it still goes back to its solid form. 00:18:35.588 --> 00:18:37.271 You can stretch it over here, 00:18:37.271 --> 00:18:40.808 and it doesn't mean that you ever have to do it again if you don't like it. 00:18:40.814 --> 00:18:44.067 And if you stretch it this way, it doesn't mean that the next time - 00:18:44.067 --> 00:18:46.243 the next day, next month, next year - 00:18:46.243 --> 00:18:48.236 that you have to pull it further. 00:18:48.236 --> 00:18:51.816 In fact, you may not want to because it can snap. 00:18:52.298 --> 00:18:57.238 What we have to know is that progress and relationships are elastic. 00:18:57.264 --> 00:18:59.064 They are not rigid. 00:18:59.899 --> 00:19:02.489 Now, as we look at monogamish, 00:19:02.790 --> 00:19:05.560 we can't just look at anecdote and conjecture, 00:19:05.583 --> 00:19:07.322 we also have to look at the science 00:19:07.322 --> 00:19:13.452 of why monogamish relationships might be the panacea we seek 00:19:13.452 --> 00:19:18.460 in response to this epidemic of the failing monogamous marriage. 00:19:18.978 --> 00:19:23.128 There are, of course, no universal set of rules 00:19:23.167 --> 00:19:26.177 for a successful relationship. 00:19:26.628 --> 00:19:29.428 However, there are some components 00:19:29.739 --> 00:19:34.439 that tend to be present in happy, lasting marriages. 00:19:34.953 --> 00:19:38.953 The first is habit-formed, emotional expression. 00:19:38.983 --> 00:19:40.743 Scientists like to sound fancy. 00:19:40.764 --> 00:19:42.074 It means talking. 00:19:42.317 --> 00:19:44.127 Talking about your feelings. 00:19:44.672 --> 00:19:47.702 The good, the bad and the ugly. 00:19:47.953 --> 00:19:49.331 Admit when you're jealous, 00:19:49.331 --> 00:19:52.291 admit when you're feeling a little bit off. 00:19:52.291 --> 00:19:53.569 This is important. 00:19:53.920 --> 00:19:58.310 The second involves a balance between connectivity and freedom. 00:19:59.041 --> 00:20:02.731 It is all based in self-expansion theory. 00:20:02.942 --> 00:20:05.033 The self-expansion theory explains 00:20:05.033 --> 00:20:08.833 that we are most happy in our relationships 00:20:09.413 --> 00:20:13.543 when our partners offer us opportunities for growth. 00:20:13.543 --> 00:20:15.566 Humans; we're animals, 00:20:15.869 --> 00:20:20.419 and we're programmed to seek change, to seek novelty. 00:20:20.441 --> 00:20:21.771 We have a hunger for it. 00:20:21.793 --> 00:20:25.283 And when our partners feed this hunger, 00:20:25.815 --> 00:20:30.805 we are more happy with them and more attracted to them. 00:20:31.250 --> 00:20:34.190 Now, the third component 00:20:34.190 --> 00:20:36.871 of a happy relationship is an active sex life. 00:20:36.891 --> 00:20:38.710 An active sex life doesn't mean 00:20:38.710 --> 00:20:42.280 that you need to be swinging from chandeliers or doing it every day, 00:20:42.305 --> 00:20:43.769 or every week, or every month. 00:20:43.769 --> 00:20:48.659 It just means that you put some effort into your sex life. 00:20:49.210 --> 00:20:53.710 Even the Pope and the Catholic cardinals and the bishops know this. 00:20:53.724 --> 00:20:55.124 Do you know why? 00:20:55.447 --> 00:20:57.267 Last week at the Vatican, 00:20:57.267 --> 00:21:01.014 these celibate men had a symposium on marriage. 00:21:01.775 --> 00:21:04.831 They got together to discuss what makes a marriage work, 00:21:04.831 --> 00:21:06.451 but they did invite in experts. 00:21:06.451 --> 00:21:08.891 And one expert couple from Australia, 00:21:08.891 --> 00:21:11.929 who has been married for 55 years, 00:21:12.445 --> 00:21:16.105 told this group of entirely celibate men 00:21:17.293 --> 00:21:19.963 that their sex life has been, 00:21:19.963 --> 00:21:23.986 and continues to be, of paramount importance. 00:21:24.472 --> 00:21:26.042 Very interesting to me. 00:21:29.174 --> 00:21:34.074 Now, in my job, I work with couples from all around the world, 00:21:34.088 --> 00:21:35.418 thousands per year. 00:21:35.429 --> 00:21:36.802 And what I've seen 00:21:36.802 --> 00:21:39.862 is that when couples consider 00:21:41.472 --> 00:21:47.032 opening up their definition of monogamy, even in the smallest of ways, 00:21:47.468 --> 00:21:53.048 it forces their relationship to thrive on these core elements. 00:21:53.409 --> 00:21:57.009 Emotional expression, connectivity balanced with freedom, 00:21:57.460 --> 00:22:01.750 and an active sex life become the norm, 00:22:01.750 --> 00:22:06.869 as soon as you start to see monogamy along a continuum. 00:22:08.159 --> 00:22:10.746 I'm going to give you an example of these observations. 00:22:10.746 --> 00:22:14.976 I host a reality show, sorry to say this, 00:22:14.976 --> 00:22:16.862 and the reality show is for PlayboyTV, 00:22:16.862 --> 00:22:20.342 but I'm proud to say that this reality show 00:22:20.342 --> 00:22:24.876 is one of the few real programs on television. 00:22:24.876 --> 00:22:28.666 So this show is about a big group of swingers living in a house 00:22:28.666 --> 00:22:31.619 and every weekend I bring in a new couple, 00:22:31.645 --> 00:22:35.175 a newbie couple, who has never swung before, 00:22:35.895 --> 00:22:40.555 so they can decide if perhaps they want to try it for themselves. 00:22:41.113 --> 00:22:44.043 This house is called "The Swing House," 00:22:44.073 --> 00:22:45.783 but I call it my personal lab 00:22:45.797 --> 00:22:50.677 because it allows me to observe couples in their fairly natural habitat; 00:22:51.031 --> 00:22:53.155 expect for the cameras and stuff like that. 00:22:53.155 --> 00:22:54.011 (Laughter) 00:22:54.011 --> 00:22:56.741 You forget that they're there after a few minutes. 00:22:57.223 --> 00:23:00.703 Some of these newbie couples, who have never swung before, 00:23:00.703 --> 00:23:02.485 they decide to dive in headfirst. 00:23:02.485 --> 00:23:05.165 They know that swinging was meant for them. 00:23:05.165 --> 00:23:09.362 Others, on the other hand, realize very quickly 00:23:09.362 --> 00:23:13.525 that they are not cut out for sharing their partner. 00:23:15.021 --> 00:23:16.409 And the interesting thing is, 00:23:16.409 --> 00:23:20.039 I learned so much from this second group 00:23:20.516 --> 00:23:23.216 because they don't want to be monogamous, 00:23:23.744 --> 00:23:26.334 and they don't want to be swingers. 00:23:26.893 --> 00:23:30.853 But the mere possibility of opening up their relationship 00:23:30.853 --> 00:23:34.586 actually brings them closer together. 00:23:36.078 --> 00:23:38.648 They are forced to talk about their feelings. 00:23:38.648 --> 00:23:41.089 They are forced to balance the needs of the couple 00:23:41.089 --> 00:23:42.687 with the needs of the individual. 00:23:42.687 --> 00:23:45.607 And of course, it's the PlayboyTV's Swing House, so obviously, 00:23:45.607 --> 00:23:47.726 they're forced to think about their sex life. 00:23:47.726 --> 00:23:53.118 Now, I want to be really clear, monogamish couples are not swingers. 00:23:53.118 --> 00:23:58.018 I only use this example because many of them decide not to swing. 00:23:58.588 --> 00:24:02.948 In fact, they are practicing a version of monogamy. 00:24:03.586 --> 00:24:10.526 We might call it monogamy 2.0, and their marriages are thriving. 00:24:12.306 --> 00:24:17.746 Now, will becoming monogamish save a failing marriage? Of course not. 00:24:17.746 --> 00:24:22.800 It only addresses one component of the relationship, the intimate part. 00:24:22.800 --> 00:24:27.309 But this is an important component, along with kids and money. 00:24:27.878 --> 00:24:33.098 Sex is one of the most contentious issues in the modern marriage. 00:24:33.736 --> 00:24:36.766 And though monogamish won't save a marriage, 00:24:36.766 --> 00:24:39.725 it may be the lifeline we need 00:24:40.059 --> 00:24:46.419 to tilt the scales in favor of the institution of marriage. 00:24:47.287 --> 00:24:50.283 We have to do something about monogamy as our default setting 00:24:50.283 --> 00:24:52.740 because we are in crisis mode. 00:24:53.556 --> 00:24:54.566 This crisis, 00:24:54.922 --> 00:24:57.322 the failing monogamous marriage, 00:24:57.352 --> 00:25:01.022 is pushing us onto the brink of a new frontier. 00:25:01.926 --> 00:25:04.866 The monogamish solution might seem radical, 00:25:04.866 --> 00:25:07.176 but what is our other option? 00:25:08.165 --> 00:25:09.295 Failure? 00:25:10.423 --> 00:25:12.653 Whether we want to admit it or not, 00:25:13.106 --> 00:25:17.656 every couple in this room and every couple out there 00:25:17.656 --> 00:25:19.684 is at risk of failure. 00:25:20.520 --> 00:25:23.680 It's a statistical reality. 00:25:24.430 --> 00:25:26.600 So I leave you with one question: 00:25:27.539 --> 00:25:31.729 Would you consider tilting your perspective 00:25:32.202 --> 00:25:36.792 and opening your minds to the possibility of the monogamish, 00:25:37.542 --> 00:25:41.652 if it meant you could shield your relationship from this crisis, 00:25:42.134 --> 00:25:43.724 strenghten your bond, 00:25:44.616 --> 00:25:50.266 and increase your chances of living happily ever after? 00:25:50.922 --> 00:25:52.162 Thank you. 00:25:52.178 --> 00:25:54.958 (Applause)