1
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Wow, hello, everyone.

2
00:00:12,759 --> 00:00:14,709
I'm going to put down my phone,

3
00:00:14,709 --> 00:00:19,089
and totally resist the urge to snap
a selfie to prove I was actually here.

4
00:00:20,283 --> 00:00:22,579
As Riaz said, my name
is Jessica O'Reilly,

5
00:00:22,579 --> 00:00:26,149
and I am a sexologist.

6
00:00:27,153 --> 00:00:29,779
A sexologist is, in fact, a real thing.

7
00:00:29,779 --> 00:00:31,009
Do you believe me?

8
00:00:31,847 --> 00:00:32,875
Three of you, okay.

9
00:00:32,875 --> 00:00:36,865
So you're all on the side of my parents,
I get it, that's cool, no problem.

10
00:00:37,367 --> 00:00:38,877
I got the tiger mom.

11
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Well, a sexologist; what does that mean?

12
00:00:41,328 --> 00:00:42,570
That means,

13
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I spend a whole lot of time
talking about sex.

14
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And almost no time actually having it.

15
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(Laughter)

16
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But I'm here today to talk to you
about a serious subject.

17
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We are in a time of crisis.

18
00:01:02,517 --> 00:01:06,727
We have a global epidemic
on our hands and it's airborne.

19
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It affects the young and the old
and knows no geographical bounds.

20
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Now, this problem is not unlike
other widespread crises,

21
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the economy, climate change for instance.

22
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But this crisis effects more of us,

23
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in a more personal
and perceptible fashion.

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It tears families apart.

25
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It takes the most detrimental toll
on the most vulnerable among us

26
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and it's contagious.

27
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It's spreading.

28
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Yet somehow, we're captivated by it.

29
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I'm talking about the crisis
of the modern monogamous marriage.

30
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Now, if I were to make you
a 50/50 offer in any realm of your life,

31
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would you take it?

32
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If I said, invest in my fund,

33
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there's a 50 per cent chance
you'll see a return.

34
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Or sign this business deal,

35
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you've got a 50 percent
chance of failure, but hey, why not?

36
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Or hop on this flight,

37
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you've got a 50/50 shot
at making it to your destination safely.

38
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Even if I offered you
two free checked bags,

39
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(Laughter)

40
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you'd probably say no.

41
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But the modern monogamous marriage

42
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offers even lower statistical odds

43
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when you factor in divorce rates
and the rates of infidelity.

44
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Now, in North America,
divorce rates are over 40 percent,

45
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higher, if you count your second
and third marriages.

46
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In my family sometimes
we go on even above three.

47
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Four, five, and six.

48
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You know already about my husband's fights

49
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because of Riaz.

50
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So I might as well divulge some info.

51
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Infidelity rates in North America
are between 25 and 45 percent,

52
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depending on who's asking and who drank
their truth serum this morning.

53
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And research suggests

54
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that satisfaction rates
in marriage plummet

55
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after the honeymoon phase,
never to recover.

56
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Scary.

57
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Now, many young people
are actually opting not to get married.

58
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Marriage rates are on the decline.

59
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Maybe because they've heard
that research shows

60
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that married people
are, in fact, no happier

61
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than their single counterparts.

62
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And have you heard of mate poaching?

63
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Apparently, 60 percent of men -

64
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shame, shame -

65
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and 54 percent of women -

66
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we're not better, not much better -

67
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have tried to woo someone away
from their current spouse.

68
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What is going on?

69
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So when we combine these statistics,
we look at the numbers.

70
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We see that in marriage

71
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50/50 is in fact a best case scenario.

72
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Marriage is in a time of crisis.

73
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Now, I'm not suggesting that we do away
with marriage; I'm a fan of marriage.

74
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I even picked one up for myself.

75
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(Laughter)

76
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I've been happily married
to my husband for eight years,

77
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living with him for 13.

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What I am saying is that marriage
is a failure in human design.

79
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It doesn't matter that research
says that marriage is good for my health

80
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and even better for men's health,
somehow they always win.

81
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And it doesn't matter
that we all go into marriage

82
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with the most noble of intentions, right?

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To live happily ever after,
to love our partner unconditionally,

84
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to help them grow
into the best version of themselves.

85
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Because it doesn't always end up this way.

86
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Because of this failure in human design,

87
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marriage can be restrictive
in personal growth,

88
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and even repressive in its demands
of absolute monogamy.

89
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In any other realm,

90
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if we saw failure rates
like we see in marriage,

91
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we would do something about it.

92
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When the markets tumble,
we do something about it;

93
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we adjust interest rates,

94
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we enact austerity measures,

95
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we develop stimulus packages.

96
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Right?

97
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(Laughter)

98
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If a car malfunctions in some way,


99
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we issue a recall,
so that we can repair it.

100
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And if a superbug is unresponsive
to a current vaccination,

101
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we go back to the lab
to develop a new formulation.

102
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When something doesn't work,


103
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when anything doesn't work, we innovate.

104
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So why do we accept
the monogamous marriage

105
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in its current form,
despite its design flaws?

106
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Could our relationships not benefit
from a stimulus package?

107
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A temporary recall.

108
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Just overnight.

109
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(Laughter)

110
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Isn't it time we go back to the lab
to dissect the issues,

111
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challenge the failing norm, and innovate?

112
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Now, some couples have already done this.

113
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They reject monogamy altogether.

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Swingers for instance,
I know a lot of them.

115
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Surprise, surprise, the sexologist says.

116
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They have sex with other people
and it works for them.

117
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Polyamorous have emotional, intimate,
loving, and sexual relationships

118
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with multiple partners
and it works for them.

119
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And open relationships
come in a huge range of forms

120
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that are custom designed by every couple

121
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or threesome or foursome, or moresome,

122
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however it comes.

123
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Now, I know many couples
for whom open relationships have worked,

124
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Rosa and Dan for instance.

125
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After 22 years of marriage,
they said, "Something's gotta give."

126
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Their words, not mine.

127
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So they decided to open
their relationship up

128
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and now they have lovers
across North America,

129
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and they couldn't be happier.

130
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But like monogamy,


131
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open relationships only work
for a very small number of people.

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An estimated four to five, not 45,
four to five percent have tried it

133
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with a good degree of success.

134
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The problem with open relationships
is that most of us just don't want one.

135
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We're okay with other people being open,

136
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but we don't want to share our partners.

137
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Happily ever after with one true soul mate

138
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has been too firmly ingrained
in our subconciousness, since birth.

139
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So what we've determined so far

140
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is that over here we have the monogamous.

141
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Monogamy works
for a small number of people.

142
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Over here we have the non-monogamous,

143
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and that works for an even smaller
percentage of people.

144
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And the rest of us,

145
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we fall somewhere in between.

146
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So what about the rest of us?

147
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Cheating isn't an option.

148
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I'm not even going to go there.

149
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So how do we find our happily ever after?

150
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Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed guests,

151
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I submit to you

152
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that the solution is to consider


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the gray area of the monogamish.

154
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(Laughter)

155
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This term has been around for some time.

156
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I remember hearing it as a kid

157
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when I shouldn't have been listening
to my parents friends

158
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back in the 80s, but it became
popularized by sex columnists,

159
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:08,386
Dan Savage, more recently.

160
00:09:08,386 --> 00:09:12,896
And Dan used this term
to describe his relationship

161
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in which he is emotionally,
and practically, and lovingly

162
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monogamous with his partner,

163
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but sexually they're allowed
to do other things.

164
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So to me, that's more
of an open relationship.

165
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So what I suggest
is that we fine-tune the term -

166
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the philosophy of monogamish -

167
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to make it more accessible
to the rest of us,

168
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who fall into this gray area.

169
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Let's use monogamish

170
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to take the monotony out of monogamy


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in a way that preserves the sanctity,


172
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the safety, and the comfort
of our relationships.

173
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So, monogamish, what might this look like?

174
00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:01,260
Monogamish couples
might look to extramarital sources

175
00:10:01,895 --> 00:10:03,505
for sexual stimulation.

176
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But only in thought, not in action.

177
00:10:08,558 --> 00:10:10,358
So if I'm monogamish,

178
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there might have been
a volunteer backstage

179
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that was kinda cute.

180
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So I took a second look.

181
00:10:15,546 --> 00:10:18,890
I hope I didn't make him uncomfortable,
never making him uncomfortable.

182
00:10:18,890 --> 00:10:21,740
I might have had a break
and thought about him a little.

183
00:10:22,273 --> 00:10:24,173
I might think about him later tonight.

184
00:10:24,193 --> 00:10:26,703
(Laughter)

185
00:10:26,703 --> 00:10:30,483
But I'm never going to act
upon that thought.

186
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And this thought and thoughts like it

187
00:10:33,351 --> 00:10:38,561
that are forbidden
in so many monogamous relationships,

188
00:10:38,587 --> 00:10:44,657
admitting to this thought serves
to further stabilize my relationship

189
00:10:44,682 --> 00:10:47,592
because when we put
these forbidden thoughts

190
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out in the open,

191
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we serve to reduce their power,
and we decrease the likelihood

192
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that we'll actually act upon them.

193
00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,400
So, we have thought, but not action,

194
00:11:01,005 --> 00:11:05,155
and then we have talk, but not touch.

195
00:11:05,701 --> 00:11:09,821
So monogamish couples
might look to extramarital sources

196
00:11:09,821 --> 00:11:15,963
for sexual arousal and pleasure
in a talk format with no touch.

197
00:11:16,557 --> 00:11:22,367
Flirting with other people comes to mind
as a really good example of this.

198
00:11:22,823 --> 00:11:24,423
So, bear with me a moment.

199
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:27,778
Picture this: you're at a bar,
you're with you partner.

200
00:11:28,345 --> 00:11:29,775
Say you're with your husband.

201
00:11:30,145 --> 00:11:32,302
And there's a waitress
and she's kinda cute.

202
00:11:32,332 --> 00:11:33,532
Not too cute.

203
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,510
(Laughter)

204
00:11:37,647 --> 00:11:39,237
We all have our limits.

205
00:11:39,414 --> 00:11:40,774
So you tease him a little:


206
00:11:40,802 --> 00:11:45,112
"She's really cute, isn't she?
I think she was checking you out.

207
00:11:46,149 --> 00:11:47,739
You look hot tonight, Babe."

208
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,700
She totally wasn't checking him out,


209
00:11:49,722 --> 00:11:52,502
but they all like
a good stroking of the ego.

210
00:11:54,146 --> 00:11:58,746
With your coaxing, maybe,
he even flirts with her a little.

211
00:11:58,766 --> 00:12:01,026
Maybe you get in on that flirting, too.

212
00:12:01,033 --> 00:12:05,033
Obviously showing her the utmost respect
and respect for your relationship.

213
00:12:05,211 --> 00:12:07,501
At the end of the night,
you go home together,

214
00:12:07,747 --> 00:12:09,615
you and your husband, not the waitress.

215
00:12:09,615 --> 00:12:10,365
(Laughter)

216
00:12:10,365 --> 00:12:11,567
Let's be clear here.

217
00:12:12,907 --> 00:12:15,267
You go home and you continue the fantasy.


218
00:12:15,305 --> 00:12:17,235
You weave it in the bedroom.

219
00:12:17,591 --> 00:12:19,981
You even talk about having a threesome.

220
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:21,710
"Oh Babe, you look so hot tonight.

221
00:12:21,710 --> 00:12:23,690
I totally want to bring her home with us.

222
00:12:23,690 --> 00:12:26,750
Yeah, I'd love to, absolutely,
don't you want four hands on you?

223
00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:29,080
Can't you imagine, I'd love to share you."

224
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:30,842
It's just talk.

225
00:12:31,397 --> 00:12:33,357
You pull out all the stops.

226
00:12:33,377 --> 00:12:36,027
You drive him into a frenzy

227
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:39,170
and then you both get off,
you have a great time.

228
00:12:39,170 --> 00:12:40,790
When you're done,

229
00:12:40,805 --> 00:12:44,931
you take him by the hand
and look him in the eye and you say,

230
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,651
"Don't even think about it."

231
00:12:46,665 --> 00:12:48,845
(Laughter)

232
00:12:50,902 --> 00:12:53,362
And he knows and says,

233
00:12:53,362 --> 00:12:55,752
"Of course not, Babe,
that was amazing, thank you.

234
00:12:55,752 --> 00:12:56,647
You're all I want.

235
00:12:56,647 --> 00:12:59,007
Can I get you anything,
a beer or a cheeseburger?"

236
00:12:59,007 --> 00:13:00,620
(Laughter)

237
00:13:00,620 --> 00:13:02,840
Isn't that how it should always end?

238
00:13:03,201 --> 00:13:04,261
Alright.

239
00:13:04,385 --> 00:13:11,005
You break the norms of rigid monogamy
without ever touching another person.

240
00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:12,956
It's just talk.

241
00:13:12,984 --> 00:13:18,664
All the flirting, all the fantasy,
the four hands, the waitress.

242
00:13:18,684 --> 00:13:20,984
You're never going
to that bar again, by the way.

243
00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:22,238
So one shot deal.

244
00:13:22,788 --> 00:13:26,788
It's just talk, nothing more.

245
00:13:28,243 --> 00:13:30,943
Now, we have thought, but not action.

246
00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,560
We have talk, but not touch.

247
00:13:34,077 --> 00:13:35,997
And then we have couples,

248
00:13:35,997 --> 00:13:40,005
who make this foray into monogamish
territory, and they love it.

249
00:13:40,427 --> 00:13:43,301
They relish in it, and they say,

250
00:13:43,301 --> 00:13:45,681
"You know what?
Things have never been better.

251
00:13:45,705 --> 00:13:47,285
Let's take it to another level."

252
00:13:47,310 --> 00:13:50,860
Those couples might decide,
"Let's go to a strip club.

253
00:13:51,380 --> 00:13:53,308
Let's get a couple of lap dances."

254
00:13:54,383 --> 00:13:57,683
A few years later, maybe they work
their way into the back room,

255
00:13:57,778 --> 00:13:59,008
the champagne room.

256
00:13:59,525 --> 00:14:01,495
I don't even know what goes on in there.

257
00:14:01,495 --> 00:14:02,343
(Laughter)

258
00:14:02,343 --> 00:14:06,147
Maybe they love the dirty talk element
and they want to bring a third person in,

259
00:14:06,162 --> 00:14:09,502
but they don't want the threat
of a real live person in the flesh.

260
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:12,310
So they call a phone sex line together.

261
00:14:13,017 --> 00:14:16,069
I know, it's not 1982,
but they still exist.

262
00:14:16,339 --> 00:14:19,093
And they make a lot of money,
it's a profitable industry.

263
00:14:19,835 --> 00:14:22,715
Maybe they know someone who is a swinger,

264
00:14:23,523 --> 00:14:25,633
and they've been invited
to swinger parties.

265
00:14:25,793 --> 00:14:27,863
Now, they do not want to swing,

266
00:14:28,166 --> 00:14:30,886
but they like the idea of the environment,

267
00:14:30,886 --> 00:14:33,712
of being around this kind
of erotic element;

268
00:14:33,731 --> 00:14:38,611
the edge, the sights,
the sounds, the smells.

269
00:14:38,634 --> 00:14:40,724
Not the smells, forget that.

270
00:14:40,748 --> 00:14:43,428
Just the sights, and the sounds,
and the energy.

271
00:14:43,862 --> 00:14:47,920
What we have to remember
is that monogamish

272
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,020
is a mindset, not a manner.

273
00:14:51,865 --> 00:14:54,055
You make it what you choose.

274
00:14:54,367 --> 00:14:56,467
If the strip club doesn't appeal to you,

275
00:14:56,467 --> 00:14:57,410
don't go.

276
00:14:57,713 --> 00:15:01,113
If the idea of flirting
with a real live person

277
00:15:01,113 --> 00:15:02,855
seems just too risky,

278
00:15:02,855 --> 00:15:03,653
don't do it.

279
00:15:03,675 --> 00:15:07,695
Maybe you opt instead
to sign into a chat room together

280
00:15:07,719 --> 00:15:13,066
or use a cam service for a little bit
of nighttime fun on a Saturday night.

281
00:15:13,572 --> 00:15:17,682
There is no universal formula
for happily ever after.

282
00:15:17,682 --> 00:15:19,828
And there's no formula for monogamish.

283
00:15:19,855 --> 00:15:22,445
I'm simply suggesting
that we might benefit

284
00:15:23,015 --> 00:15:25,605
from considering options

285
00:15:25,605 --> 00:15:28,408
beyond the rigid norm of monogamy.

286
00:15:29,968 --> 00:15:33,748
So now, you're thinking,
"Okay, monogamish sounds good,

287
00:15:33,774 --> 00:15:35,024
I love strippers."

288
00:15:35,052 --> 00:15:36,892
(Laughter)

289
00:15:37,254 --> 00:15:38,094
Right?

290
00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:41,288
And now guys don't even have six-packs,
they have eight-packs.

291
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:43,437
It doesn't sound bad.

292
00:15:43,437 --> 00:15:47,373
You're thinking, "This sounds okay,
but how do I get over my insecurities?

293
00:15:47,423 --> 00:15:49,896
How do I deal with the jealousy?

294
00:15:49,918 --> 00:15:54,258
Part of me would want to tear
that sort-of-cute waitress's hair out.

295
00:15:54,842 --> 00:15:58,292
Or I don't want this ripped guys
grinding up on my wife.

296
00:15:58,313 --> 00:15:59,371
I can't handle that.

297
00:15:59,371 --> 00:16:01,413
I gained weight during her pregnancy,


298
00:16:01,413 --> 00:16:03,144
had a lot of cravings.

299
00:16:03,144 --> 00:16:07,594
Can't expect a man to have a six-pack
after pregnancy, right?

300
00:16:08,307 --> 00:16:11,287
So these are all valid concerns.

301
00:16:11,615 --> 00:16:13,575
I can't help you with the six-pack,

302
00:16:13,736 --> 00:16:16,626
but every couple deals
with these jealousies,

303
00:16:16,648 --> 00:16:20,648
these insecurities, these challenges,
in their very own way.

304
00:16:20,935 --> 00:16:22,995
Some take baby steps.

305
00:16:23,519 --> 00:16:29,149
They don't dive into monogamish,
they do it a little bit at a time.

306
00:16:29,484 --> 00:16:32,055
They might start by simply admitting


307
00:16:32,055 --> 00:16:34,385
to which celebrities they find attractive.

308
00:16:34,408 --> 00:16:37,598
It could take them years
to work their way up

309
00:16:37,619 --> 00:16:42,379
to actually divulging their deepest,
darkest fantasies.

310
00:16:42,928 --> 00:16:47,398
But these years, that process,
is what makes it hot.

311
00:16:48,589 --> 00:16:52,019
A little bit of fear and anxiety,

312
00:16:52,307 --> 00:16:57,587
balanced with love, comfort,
and security is the perfect recipe,

313
00:16:57,587 --> 00:17:01,607
not only for love, but for lust.

314
00:17:02,635 --> 00:17:05,435
Other couples, in addition
to taking baby steps,

315
00:17:05,672 --> 00:17:08,832
they decide to compartmentalize


316
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,764
their monogamish element
of their relationship.

317
00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:14,882
They say, "I really like
our relationship as it is.

318
00:17:14,882 --> 00:17:17,502
I love a little bit of monogamish,
but not too much."

319
00:17:17,525 --> 00:17:19,365
So maybe, they make a rule

320
00:17:19,365 --> 00:17:22,575
that they only talk about fantasies
that include other people

321
00:17:23,014 --> 00:17:24,657
on special occasions.

322
00:17:25,047 --> 00:17:27,417
Or Tuesdays, or the month of March,

323
00:17:27,417 --> 00:17:28,957
whatever works for them.

324
00:17:29,213 --> 00:17:33,043
Maybe they love the idea
of flirting with other people

325
00:17:33,072 --> 00:17:35,442
because flirting is so much fun,

326
00:17:35,442 --> 00:17:38,384
it brings out the sexual animal in you,

327
00:17:38,407 --> 00:17:39,924
it boosts your self-esteem


328
00:17:39,924 --> 00:17:41,874
and it can actually be kind of hot

329
00:17:41,874 --> 00:17:44,613
to watch your partner flirt
with someone else,

330
00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:48,661
under the right consensual circumstances.

331
00:17:48,944 --> 00:17:53,524
But maybe they only do this once a year,
when they're on vacation.

332
00:17:53,812 --> 00:17:57,172
Or maybe that bar with the waitress
is just too close to home,

333
00:17:57,172 --> 00:18:01,912
so they only do it when they're together
at least 200 miles from their hometown;

334
00:18:01,912 --> 00:18:03,755
whatever works for them.

335
00:18:03,776 --> 00:18:05,046
Some couples,

336
00:18:06,782 --> 00:18:10,532
they go after monogamish
and they push their boundaries too far

337
00:18:10,556 --> 00:18:12,000
and they end up regretting it,

338
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,430
but regret is not tantamount to disaster.

339
00:18:15,033 --> 00:18:21,443
Mistakes are the most important
learning and growth opportunities

340
00:18:21,459 --> 00:18:22,869
in a relationship.

341
00:18:23,922 --> 00:18:26,792
When we think of monogamish
or we think of relationships,

342
00:18:26,989 --> 00:18:28,919
you can think of it as a rubber band.

343
00:18:29,786 --> 00:18:32,036
You can stretch it in this direction,

344
00:18:32,391 --> 00:18:35,201
but it still goes back to its solid form.

345
00:18:35,588 --> 00:18:37,271
You can stretch it over here,

346
00:18:37,271 --> 00:18:40,808
and it doesn't mean that you ever
have to do it again if you don't like it.

347
00:18:40,814 --> 00:18:44,067
And if you stretch it this way,
it doesn't mean that the next time -

348
00:18:44,067 --> 00:18:46,243
the next day, next month, next year -

349
00:18:46,243 --> 00:18:48,236
that you have to pull it further.

350
00:18:48,236 --> 00:18:51,816
In fact, you may not want to
because it can snap.

351
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:57,238
What we have to know is that progress
and relationships are elastic.

352
00:18:57,264 --> 00:18:59,064
They are not rigid.

353
00:18:59,899 --> 00:19:02,489
Now, as we look at monogamish,

354
00:19:02,790 --> 00:19:05,560
we can't just look at anecdote
and conjecture,

355
00:19:05,583 --> 00:19:07,322
we also have to look at the science

356
00:19:07,322 --> 00:19:13,452
of why monogamish relationships
might be the panacea we seek

357
00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:18,460
in response to this epidemic
of the failing monogamous marriage.

358
00:19:18,978 --> 00:19:23,128
There are, of course,
no universal set of rules

359
00:19:23,167 --> 00:19:26,177
for a successful relationship.

360
00:19:26,628 --> 00:19:29,428
However, there are some components

361
00:19:29,739 --> 00:19:34,439
that tend to be present
in happy, lasting marriages.

362
00:19:34,953 --> 00:19:38,953
The first is habit-formed,
emotional expression.

363
00:19:38,983 --> 00:19:40,743
Scientists like to sound fancy.

364
00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:42,074
It means talking.

365
00:19:42,317 --> 00:19:44,127
Talking about your feelings.

366
00:19:44,672 --> 00:19:47,702
The good, the bad and the ugly.

367
00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:49,331
Admit when you're jealous,

368
00:19:49,331 --> 00:19:52,291
admit when you're feeling
a little bit off.

369
00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:53,569
This is important.

370
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:58,310
The second involves a balance
between connectivity and freedom.

371
00:19:59,041 --> 00:20:02,731
It is all based in self-expansion theory.

372
00:20:02,942 --> 00:20:05,033
The self-expansion theory explains


373
00:20:05,033 --> 00:20:08,833
that we are most happy
in our relationships

374
00:20:09,413 --> 00:20:13,543
when our partners offer us
opportunities for growth.

375
00:20:13,543 --> 00:20:15,566
Humans; we're animals,

376
00:20:15,869 --> 00:20:20,419
and we're programmed
to seek change, to seek novelty.

377
00:20:20,441 --> 00:20:21,771
We have a hunger for it.

378
00:20:21,793 --> 00:20:25,283
And when our partners feed this hunger,

379
00:20:25,815 --> 00:20:30,805
we are more happy with them
and more attracted to them.

380
00:20:31,250 --> 00:20:34,190
Now, the third component

381
00:20:34,190 --> 00:20:36,871
of a happy relationship
is an active sex life.

382
00:20:36,891 --> 00:20:38,710
An active sex life doesn't mean

383
00:20:38,710 --> 00:20:42,280
that you need to be swinging
from chandeliers or doing it every day,

384
00:20:42,305 --> 00:20:43,769
or every week, or every month.

385
00:20:43,769 --> 00:20:48,659
It just means that you put some effort
into your sex life.

386
00:20:49,210 --> 00:20:53,710
Even the Pope and the Catholic cardinals
and the bishops know this.

387
00:20:53,724 --> 00:20:55,124
Do you know why?

388
00:20:55,447 --> 00:20:57,267
Last week at the Vatican,

389
00:20:57,267 --> 00:21:01,014
these celibate men
had a symposium on marriage.

390
00:21:01,775 --> 00:21:04,831
They got together to discuss
what makes a marriage work,

391
00:21:04,831 --> 00:21:06,451
but they did invite in experts.

392
00:21:06,451 --> 00:21:08,891
And one expert couple from Australia,

393
00:21:08,891 --> 00:21:11,929
who has been married for 55 years,

394
00:21:12,445 --> 00:21:16,105
told this group of entirely celibate men

395
00:21:17,293 --> 00:21:19,963
that their sex life has been,

396
00:21:19,963 --> 00:21:23,986
and continues to be,
of paramount importance.

397
00:21:24,472 --> 00:21:26,042
Very interesting to me.

398
00:21:29,174 --> 00:21:34,074
Now, in my job, I work with couples
from all around the world,

399
00:21:34,088 --> 00:21:35,418
thousands per year.

400
00:21:35,429 --> 00:21:36,802
And what I've seen

401
00:21:36,802 --> 00:21:39,862
is that when couples consider


402
00:21:41,472 --> 00:21:47,032
opening up their definition of monogamy,
even in the smallest of ways,

403
00:21:47,468 --> 00:21:53,048
it forces their relationship to thrive
on these core elements.

404
00:21:53,409 --> 00:21:57,009
Emotional expression,
connectivity balanced with freedom,

405
00:21:57,460 --> 00:22:01,750
and an active sex life become the norm,

406
00:22:01,750 --> 00:22:06,869
as soon as you start to see
monogamy along a continuum.

407
00:22:08,159 --> 00:22:10,746
I'm going to give you an example
of these observations.

408
00:22:10,746 --> 00:22:14,976
I host a reality show, sorry to say this,

409
00:22:14,976 --> 00:22:16,862
and the reality show is for PlayboyTV,

410
00:22:16,862 --> 00:22:20,342
but I'm proud to say
that this reality show

411
00:22:20,342 --> 00:22:24,876
is one of the few
real programs on television.

412
00:22:24,876 --> 00:22:28,666
So this show is about a big group
of swingers living in a house

413
00:22:28,666 --> 00:22:31,619
and every weekend I bring in a new couple,

414
00:22:31,645 --> 00:22:35,175
a newbie couple,
who has never swung before,

415
00:22:35,895 --> 00:22:40,555
so they can decide if perhaps
they want to try it for themselves.

416
00:22:41,113 --> 00:22:44,043
This house is called "The Swing House,"

417
00:22:44,073 --> 00:22:45,783
but I call it my personal lab

418
00:22:45,797 --> 00:22:50,677
because it allows me to observe couples
in their fairly natural habitat;

419
00:22:51,031 --> 00:22:53,155
expect for the cameras
and stuff like that.

420
00:22:53,155 --> 00:22:54,011
(Laughter)

421
00:22:54,011 --> 00:22:56,741
You forget that they're there
after a few minutes.

422
00:22:57,223 --> 00:23:00,703
Some of these newbie couples,
who have never swung before,

423
00:23:00,703 --> 00:23:02,485
they decide to dive in headfirst.

424
00:23:02,485 --> 00:23:05,165
They know that swinging
was meant for them.

425
00:23:05,165 --> 00:23:09,362
Others, on the other hand,
realize very quickly

426
00:23:09,362 --> 00:23:13,525
that they are not cut out
for sharing their partner.

427
00:23:15,021 --> 00:23:16,409
And the interesting thing is,

428
00:23:16,409 --> 00:23:20,039
I learned so much from this second group

429
00:23:20,516 --> 00:23:23,216
because they don't want to be monogamous,

430
00:23:23,744 --> 00:23:26,334
and they don't want to be swingers.

431
00:23:26,893 --> 00:23:30,853
But the mere possibility
of opening up their relationship

432
00:23:30,853 --> 00:23:34,586
actually brings them closer together.

433
00:23:36,078 --> 00:23:38,648
They are forced
to talk about their feelings.

434
00:23:38,648 --> 00:23:41,089
They are forced to balance
the needs of the couple

435
00:23:41,089 --> 00:23:42,687
with the needs of the individual.

436
00:23:42,687 --> 00:23:45,607
And of course, it's the PlayboyTV
Swing House, so obviously,

437
00:23:45,607 --> 00:23:47,726
they're forced to think
about their sex life.

438
00:23:47,726 --> 00:23:53,118
Now, I want to be really clear,
monogamish couples are not swingers.

439
00:23:53,118 --> 00:23:58,018
I only use this example because
many of them decide not to swing.

440
00:23:58,588 --> 00:24:02,948
In fact, they are practicing
a version of monogamy.

441
00:24:03,586 --> 00:24:10,526
We might call it monogamy 2.0,
and their marriages are thriving.

442
00:24:12,306 --> 00:24:17,746
Now, will becoming monogamish
save a failing marriage? Of course not.

443
00:24:17,746 --> 00:24:22,800
It only addresses one component
of the relationship, the intimate part.

444
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:27,309
But this is an important component,
along with kids and money.

445
00:24:27,878 --> 00:24:33,098
Sex is one of the most contentious issues
in the modern marriage.

446
00:24:33,736 --> 00:24:36,766
And though monogamish
won't save a marriage,

447
00:24:36,766 --> 00:24:39,725
it may be the lifeline we need


448
00:24:40,059 --> 00:24:46,419
to tilt the scales in favor
of the institution of marriage.

449
00:24:47,287 --> 00:24:50,283
We have to do something
about monogamy as our default setting

450
00:24:50,283 --> 00:24:52,740
because we are in crisis mode.

451
00:24:53,556 --> 00:24:54,566
This crisis,

452
00:24:54,922 --> 00:24:57,322
the failing monogamous marriage,

453
00:24:57,352 --> 00:25:01,022
is pushing us onto the brink
of a new frontier.

454
00:25:01,926 --> 00:25:04,866
The monogamish solution
might seem radical,

455
00:25:04,866 --> 00:25:07,176
but what is our other option?

456
00:25:08,165 --> 00:25:09,295
Failure?

457
00:25:10,423 --> 00:25:12,653
Whether we want to admit it or not,

458
00:25:13,106 --> 00:25:17,656
every couple in this room
and every couple out there

459
00:25:17,656 --> 00:25:19,684
is at risk of failure.

460
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:23,680
It's a statistical reality.

461
00:25:24,430 --> 00:25:26,600
So I leave you with one question:

462
00:25:27,539 --> 00:25:31,729
Would you consider
tilting your perspective

463
00:25:32,202 --> 00:25:36,792
and opening your minds
to the possibility of the monogamish,

464
00:25:37,542 --> 00:25:41,652
if it meant you could shield
your relationship from this crisis,

465
00:25:42,134 --> 00:25:43,724
strenghten your bond,

466
00:25:44,616 --> 00:25:50,266
and increase your chances
of living happily ever after?

467
00:25:50,922 --> 00:25:52,162
Thank you.

468
00:25:52,178 --> 00:25:54,958
(Applause)