0:00:00.854,0:00:06.403
The first time I uttered a prayer[br]was in a glass-stained cathedral.

0:00:06.403,0:00:09.793
I was kneeling long after[br]the congregation was on its feet,

0:00:09.793,0:00:11.703
dip both hands into holy water,[br]

0:00:11.703,0:00:13.553
trace the trinity across my chest,

0:00:13.553,0:00:16.379
my tiny body drooping [br]like a question mark

0:00:16.379,0:00:18.669
all over the wooden pew.

0:00:18.669,0:00:21.339
I asked Jesus to fix me,

0:00:21.339,0:00:23.465
and when he did not answer

0:00:23.465,0:00:26.141
I befriended silence in the hopes[br]that my sin would burn

0:00:26.141,0:00:27.631
and salve my mouth

0:00:27.631,0:00:29.461
would dissolve like sugar on tongue,

0:00:29.461,0:00:31.376
but shame lingered as an aftertaste.

0:00:31.376,0:00:34.940
And in an attempt[br]to reintroduce me to sanctity,

0:00:34.940,0:00:37.860
my mother told me of the miracle I was,

0:00:37.860,0:00:40.860
said I could grow up [br]to be anything I want.

0:00:40.860,0:00:43.066
I decided to

0:00:43.066,0:00:44.227
be a boy.

0:00:44.227,0:00:45.217
It was cute.

0:00:45.217,0:00:47.007
I had snapback, toothless grin,[br]

0:00:47.007,0:00:48.847
used skinned knees as street cred,

0:00:48.847,0:00:51.277
played hide and seek with [br]what was left of my goal.

0:00:51.277,0:00:52.204
I was it.

0:00:52.204,0:00:54.629
The winner to a game [br]the other kids couldn't play,

0:00:54.629,0:00:56.809
I was the mystery of an anatomy,

0:00:56.809,0:00:58.622
a question asked but not answered,[br]

0:00:58.622,0:01:02.918
tightroping between awkward boy[br]and apologetic girl,

0:01:02.918,0:01:07.655
and when I turned 12, the boy phase[br]wasn't deemed cute anymore.

0:01:07.655,0:01:13.297
It was met with nostalgic aunts who missed[br]seeing my knees in the shadow of skirts,

0:01:13.297,0:01:17.546
who reminded me that my kind of attitude[br]would never bring a husband home,

0:01:17.546,0:01:21.168
that I exist for heterosexual marriage[br]and child-bearing.

0:01:21.168,0:01:24.999
And I swallowed their insults[br]along with their slurs.

0:01:24.999,0:01:27.716
Naturally, I did not[br]come out of the closet.

0:01:27.716,0:01:30.432
The kids at my school opened it[br]without my permission.

0:01:30.432,0:01:32.894
Called me by a name I did not recognize,

0:01:32.894,0:01:34.124
said "lesbian,"

0:01:34.124,0:01:36.700
but I was more boy than girl,[br]more Ken than Barbie.

0:01:36.700,0:01:38.903
It had nothing to do with hating my body,

0:01:38.903,0:01:41.023
I just love it enough to let it go,[br]

0:01:41.023,0:01:42.409
I treat it like a house,

0:01:42.409,0:01:44.239
and when your house is falling apart,[br]

0:01:44.239,0:01:45.223
you do not evacuate,

0:01:45.223,0:01:49.015
you make it comfortable enough[br]to house all your insides,

0:01:49.015,0:01:51.376
you make it pretty enough[br]to invite guests over,

0:01:51.376,0:01:55.234
you make the floorboards[br]strong enough to stand on.

0:01:55.904,0:02:00.919
My mother fears I have named[br]myself after fading things.

0:02:00.919,0:02:03.939
As she counts the echoes[br]left behind by Mya Hall,

0:02:03.939,0:02:06.489
Leelah Alcorn, Blake Brockington.

0:02:06.489,0:02:08.700
She fears that I'll die without a whisper,

0:02:08.700,0:02:11.763
that I'll turn into "what a shame"[br]conversations at the bus stop.

0:02:11.763,0:02:14.409
She claims I have turned myself[br]into a mausoleum,

0:02:14.409,0:02:16.035
that I am a walking casket,

0:02:16.035,0:02:19.239
news headlines have turned[br]my identity into a spectacle,

0:02:19.239,0:02:22.995
Bruce Jenner on everyone's lips[br]while the brutality of living in this body

0:02:22.995,0:02:26.541
becomes an asterisk [br]at the bottom of equality pages.

0:02:26.541,0:02:29.637
No one ever thinks of us as human

0:02:29.637,0:02:31.795
because we are more ghost than flesh,

0:02:31.795,0:02:34.494
because people fear that[br]my gender expression is a trick,

0:02:34.494,0:02:36.351
that it exists to be perverse,

0:02:36.351,0:02:38.394
that it ensnares them[br]without their consent,

0:02:38.394,0:02:41.088
that my body is a feast[br]for their eyes and hands

0:02:41.088,0:02:43.387
and once they have fed off my queer,

0:02:43.387,0:02:46.387
they'll regurgitate all the parts[br]they did not like.

0:02:46.387,0:02:50.747
They'll put me back into the closet,[br]hang me with all the other skeletons.

0:02:50.747,0:02:53.162
I will be the best attraction.

0:02:53.162,0:02:56.241
Can you see how easy it is[br]to talk people into coffins,

0:02:56.241,0:02:58.811
to misspell their names on gravestones.[br]

0:02:58.811,0:03:01.266
And people still wonder why[br]there are boys rotting,

0:03:01.266,0:03:03.657
they go away[br]in high school hallways

0:03:03.657,0:03:06.559
they are afraid of becoming another[br]hashtag in a second

0:03:06.559,0:03:10.437
afraid of classroom discussions[br]becoming like judgment day

0:03:10.437,0:03:16.172
and now oncoming traffic is embracing[br]more transgender children than parents.

0:03:17.062,0:03:18.807
I wonder how long it will be

0:03:18.807,0:03:22.487
before the trans suicide notes[br]start to feel redundant,

0:03:22.487,0:03:26.110
before we realize that our bodies[br]become lessons about sin

0:03:26.110,0:03:28.153
way before we learn how to love them.

0:03:28.153,0:03:32.077
Like God didn't save[br]all this breath and mercy,

0:03:32.077,0:03:35.653
like my blood is not the wine[br]that washed over Jesus' feet.

0:03:35.653,0:03:39.521
My prayers are now[br]getting stuck in my throat.

0:03:40.041,0:03:43.175
Maybe I am finally fixed,

0:03:43.175,0:03:45.428
maybe I just don't care,

0:03:45.428,0:03:50.139
maybe God finally listened to my prayers.

0:03:50.139,0:03:51.604
Thank you.

0:03:51.604,0:03:53.708
(Applause)