WEBVTT

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20 years ago, my life took on
a wholly unexpected direction.

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I was sat watching television
with my then four-year-old son.

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And he said he needed 
to tell me something.

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And I said, "Fine, yeah, what is it?"

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And he turned to me and he said,

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"Mommy, God's made a mistake,
and I should've been a girl."

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I was terrified,

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but also, it explained so many things,

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so many things.

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But a bit like Monopoly, I jumped 
straight from fear straight into denial

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and told Jack that it was fine 
to be a boy and like girly things,

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but that didn't make him a girl,

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and he looked at me,
and he dropped his eyes,

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and he didn't say anything 
else that day anyway.

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So what I want to do is walk
you through the process

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that has filled the last 24 years
of both my life and my child's life

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and hopefully explain our journey.

NOTE Paragraph

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So from Jack to Jackie.

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So how did this eight-pound baby "boy" -

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and, by the way she hates this picture,

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she says it makes her look
like a member of The Village People -

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(Laughter)

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turn into this 24-year-old young woman?

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She likes this picture;
she says it makes her look hot.

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Well, Jack was my first child.

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I thought I knew what to expect,
but really I started to notice

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that as soon as he got mobile
and could express himself,

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he was gravitating towards things

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that you would see
as stereotypically female.

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But I wasn't bothered.

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That didn't, you know,
that didn't faze me at all.

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As far as I was concerned,

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children should be allowed to play
with whatever they want,

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even if it doesn't fit this norm.

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And at the childminder's
when I went back to work,

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Jack's favorite outfits
were the tutu and Snow White costume.

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And again, that was fine.

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But not for Dad.

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So, Jackie's dad struggled,
and he blamed me.

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His thoughts were that because I allowed 
the Polly Pocket and the My Little Pony,

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that I was facilitating and encouraging.

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And I disagreed. And it caused tensions.

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What I had come to the conclusion with,

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over the sort of years
until she was about two,

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was that I had a very sensitive,
quite effeminate little boy

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who was probably gay.

NOTE Paragraph

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But Jack's dad did not approve
of our child's effeminate behavior,

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and it created such tensions 
that we ended up in couple's counseling.

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We went to couple's counseling,

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and what they said to us
as parents that we had to agree,

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no matter what it was
that we agreed upon we had to agree.

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At that point, Tim decided
that I must agree with him, apparently,

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and then all the "girl toys" 
or "girly toys" as such

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were taken away and put away,

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and Jack was made aware
that this was not appropriate.

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And suddenly, a confident,
happy little boy

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became quite quiet, withdrawn,
very clingy, and tearful.

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I didn't like it,
and I didn't think it was right.

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And really for me, the point
at which I really put my foot down

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was about a few weeks later, I think,
and my mom phoned me

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and said, "What's going on with Jack?"

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and I said "What do you mean?"

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She said, "Well, I phoned
a couple of days ago

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to ask what Jack wanted for Christmas,

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and he took the phone
out of the room, and he said,

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'Can you buy me Barbie Rapunzel?
but can you please hide it

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because if Mommy and Daddy find it,
they're going to take it away'"

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And I realized that I was shaming
my child and their toy choices,

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and the toy embargo stopped.

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But I went to my GP

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because I was lost,
and I did not know what to do.

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And she raised her eyebrows, and she said,

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"Oh, that's interesting."

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Which wasn't really very helpful,
because I was hoping for some direction.

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And then, she wasn't the first,

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and she certainly
wouldn't be the last person

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to tell me that it was a phase -

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it's quite a long one, by now, 
wouldn't you say? -

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and that she would grow out of it.

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But she didn't.

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And what happened
was she kept reiterating,

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"I'm a girl, I'm a girl,
I'm really a girl."

NOTE Paragraph

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Six years old, she asked me
when she could have the operation

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to make her a girl.

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And it was really hard for me as a parent
to watch the devastation when I told her

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that she had to wait
until she was a grown-up

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before that could happen.

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What that identified for me
is that I had to do something,

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and I couldn't keep ignoring this
and pretending it wasn't happening.

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And so I did some internet searches.

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And I put in "My son wants to be a girl."

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And it came out
with a number of different sites,

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but I think about tenth on the listing
was a site called "Mermaids."

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So I clicked on that,
and there was a phone number.

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And I made a really
quite pivotal call for me,

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and I spoke to Lynn,

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who was a founder member
of Mermaids, the charity.

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I think I cried through
the entire conversation

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because it was such a relief
to finally talk to somebody

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who understood what I was going through,

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and to point to similarities
regarding their children and my child.

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It gave me hope.

NOTE Paragraph

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At seven years old, Jackie
was referred to Tavistock,

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which is the NH's clinic

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that supports children and young people 
with gender dysphoria

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and received a diagnosis
of gender dysphoria.

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Oh, really? Not a big surprise.

NOTE Paragraph

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And at eight years old, unfortunately,
her dad and I separated.

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But what this did for me
was gave me much more freedom

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to be able to give Jackie expression.

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The Tavistock said that allowing her
girl clothes in the house was helpful,

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and said that she needed to remain
in male persona outside of the home,

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and that was fine.

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And I remember our first
shopping trip for girl clothes.

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And we went into the store, and I said,

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"OK, so over there, 
there's the girl clothes.

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You can go and get a couple things,
anything you like.

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And the look on her face
was indescribable.

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She was so happy.

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And she went pelting off,

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and she came back
about two minutes later,

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and she had two dresses
- she couldn't decide.

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And she was holding them up,
and she was just beaming,

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and she was just like,

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"Which one? Do you like
this one best or this one best?"

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and doing a twirl.

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And I just thought to myself,

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"Oh my goodness,
is somebody watching me now,

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thinking 'this mother with this little boy
with dresses, what is she doing?'"

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And then I looked back
at my child in front of me,

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and I looked at her face and I thought,

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"You know something,
I can't care about what strangers think.

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The most important person to me 
is right there in front of me right now."

NOTE Paragraph

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At 10 years old, we went on holiday.

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So we had three weeks
where Jackie lived as Jackie -

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girl pronouns, girl names,
girl clothes for the entire time.

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And what that really pointed out to me

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was how much lighter, how much happier,
how much more cheerful my kid was,

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just like, literally,
from getting up to going to bed,

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and it was at that point

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I decided that actually forcing my child
to live as a boy in school

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was the wrong thing
because I was sending her that message

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that somehow wanting and needing
to be a girl and express herself as a girl

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was shameful - that it was
something to be hidden, secret.

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So the last year of primary school
was her absolute best year of school ever.

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So she grew her hair,
she wore the girls' school uniform,

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and school said that they noticed
an entirely different child

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from the one from the previous year.

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And the kids were amazing!

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I remember the headteacher saying to me

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that she'd overheard a conversation
between two of the little girls

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and one girl said to the other,

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"Why is Jack growing his hair
and wearing girl clothes?"

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And the other girl went,

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"Oh, didn't you know?
He's got a girl brain in a boy body."

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(Laughter)

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And the other little girl went, "Oh, OK."

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(Laughter)

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And that was it.

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Unfortunately, some of the parents
weren't quite so open-minded,

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and we had to get the police involved
when we had a mother,

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when she was collecting her own child,
who is about the same age as Jackie,

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leaning out of the window of her car
and shouting abuse

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at my 10-year-old daughter
walking home from school.

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By this time, Tim had come around.

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He had seen more and more that this
wasn't something that was a choice,

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this was just a part
of who our daughter was,

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and he was now supporting, and frankly,
she wraps him around her little finger.

NOTE Paragraph

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But we were now preparing
for secondary school,

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and the Tavistock
were fully onboard and helping,

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but from the minute
she walked in the door,

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she was annihilated.

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Absolutely annihilated.

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And within two weeks,
she took her first overdose.

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I spent the next three years
on suicide watch.

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And I look back,

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and I don't know how I got through that,
but I don't know how she did either.

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To add to all of this, puberty.

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So at twelve years old,
she started going through a male puberty,

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and it was horrific.

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She began cutting herself.

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And we were absolutely desperate

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and faced with an NHS at that time -

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it's different now -

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who wouldn't prescribe
any medications to pause puberty,

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no matter how badly
a child reacted to those stages.

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I went back into research mode,
and I found a doctor in America

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who was working with children
with gender dysphoria,

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and who would prescribe 
totally reversible blocking medication

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that pauses puberty.

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If taken away, puberty resumes,

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but it gives children like my daughter
the time and space to live and be,

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without their bodies changing.

NOTE Paragraph

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I know he looks like Indiana Jones,
but he really is a proper-proper doctor.

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And he's Dr. Norman Spack, and he works
at the Boston Children's Hospital,

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and he is a world-renowned expert,
and he saved my daughter's life.

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I have no doubt about that whatsoever.

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In the midst of all of this,
school was up and down.

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Eventually we found her a school where
she went to school eight miles from home,

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and nobody knew her
as anything other than Jackie,

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and that sort of settled down.

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But the effect on her education,
on her life, was profound.

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She had had seven overdoses
in three years,

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all related to transphobic
abuse and attacks.

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And one of her best friends

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was the hate crimes coordinator
from West Leeds,

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so it might give you a bit
of an indication of what she went through.

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But at 16, my daughter
underwent gender reassignment surgery.

NOTE Paragraph

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And now, the next bit,
I'm going to let her talk to you.

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(Video) (Music)

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I was born in the body of a boy,
but I had the mind or the brain of a girl.

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I think I was five years old
when I said to my mother, like,

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"God made a mistake, I shouldn't -
This isn't me. I'm wrong."

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I think I was like seven
when I started growing my hair,

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and I started to wear the girls' uniform.

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My school itself, they were really,
really good about it, really helpful,

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and so were a lot of the students.

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If anything, like, I found
some parents were not as accepting.

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I was walking out
of the school gate to go home,

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and for a good two,
three weeks consecutively,

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she would like hang out of her car window,
and shout abuse at me, this mother.

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I could feel, like, hate.

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And then I got into high school,
which was a nightmare.

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The story of me spread like wildfire.

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My first day, like the first day 
in school, into my high school,

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I was in my "form" group,

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and some kid who I'd never met
opened the door to my form room

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and he was just like,
"Oh, is that freak in here? That freak."

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I got spat on, and I got beat up,

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and it really does hurt to think back
at how cruel people could be.

NOTE Paragraph

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I find it quite empowering
that I've gotten through it.

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And then I got ask to Miss England

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and I was like "I must be actually ...
attractive? Oh my God!"

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It gave me a real boost that I needed.

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It's part of my story,
but it isn't my whole story,

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because, as I said,
I'm a sister, a singer, actress, model,

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all kind of things
before I am a "trans person."

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I hate that, like why do I need a label?

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Why can't I just be a woman?

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Everyone has the right to live
their life how they want to

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and be who they want to be,
so why is it different for me?

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I'm proud of everything I've gone through,

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and I wouldn't change it now.

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It's part of my makeup. It's in my DNA.
I'm a girl and I always have been.

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(End of music) (End of video)

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I can't watch that, I have to look down,
because it still affects me.

NOTE Paragraph

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I'm now CEO of Mermaids,

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so I'm running the charity
I contacted so many years ago.

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This gives a little bit of an indication
of the demand, and how it's rising,

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and what we are facing,
in terms of young people coming foward.

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And the good thing is that parents
are now listening as well.

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But you can see the difference.

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Society maybe is becoming more accepting

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at the same time children 
and young people across the country

00:14:42.157 --> 00:14:45.040
are still being treated like Jackie was.

00:14:46.690 --> 00:14:49.575
This is from a 2017 Stonewall survey.

00:14:50.972 --> 00:14:53.745
51% of trans children are bullied.

00:14:53.745 --> 00:14:56.333
One in 10 receive death threats.

00:14:56.333 --> 00:15:00.280
84% self-harm compared
to 10% of the population.

00:15:00.517 --> 00:15:03.977
And 45% of them attempt
suicide at least once.

00:15:04.756 --> 00:15:07.478
Being transgender
is not a mental health illness,

00:15:07.643 --> 00:15:11.685
but society's prejudice,
discrimination, and hatred

00:15:11.685 --> 00:15:14.153
lead to anxiety and depression.

NOTE Paragraph

00:15:16.502 --> 00:15:20.365
Now, this is her now.

00:15:22.548 --> 00:15:26.331
And you can see, she's maybe
a little bit of a diva as well,

00:15:26.331 --> 00:15:28.306
I don't know where she gets that from.

00:15:28.736 --> 00:15:31.653
Bottom line is she's happy.

00:15:32.488 --> 00:15:34.966
And isn't that all that matters?

00:15:34.966 --> 00:15:36.706
Thank you very much.

00:15:36.706 --> 00:15:39.655
(Applause)