9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I published this article

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
in the New York Times Modern Love column[br]in January of this year.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And the article is about[br]a psychological study

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
designed to create romantic love[br]in the laboratory,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and my own experience[br]trying to study myself

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
one night last summer.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So the procedure is fairly simple:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
two strangers take turns asking each other[br]36 increasingly personal questions

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and then they stare into each other's eyes

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
without speaking for four minutes.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So here are a couple of sample questions.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow[br]having gained any one quality or ability,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
what would it be?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Number 28: When did you last cry[br]in front of another person?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
By yourself?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
As you can see, they really do[br]get more personal as they go along.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Number 30, I really like this one:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Tell your partner[br]what you like about them;

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
be very honest this time,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
saying things you might not say[br]to someone you just met.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So when I first came across this study[br]a few years earlier,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
one detail really stuck out to me,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and that was the rumor[br]that two of the participants

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
had gotten married six months later,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and they'd invited the entire lab[br]to the ceremony.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So I was of course very skeptical

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
about this process of just[br]manufacturing romantic love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but of course I was intrigued,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and when I got the chance[br]to try this study myself,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
with someone I knew[br]but not particularly well,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I wasn't expecting to fall in love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But then we did, and --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter) --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I thought it made a good story,[br]so I sent it to the Modern Love column

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
a few months later.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now, this was published in January,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and now it is August,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
so I'm guessing that some of you[br]are probably wondering,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
are we still together?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And the reason I think[br]you might be wondering this

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is because I have been asked this question

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
again and again and again[br]for the past seven months,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and this question is really[br]what I want to talk about today.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But let's come back to it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So the week before the article came out,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I was very nervous.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I had been working on a book[br]about love stories

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
for the past few years,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
so I had gotten used to writing[br]about my own experiences

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
with romantic love on my blog.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But a blog post might get[br]a couple hundred views at the most,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and those were usually[br]just my Facebook friends,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I figured my article[br]in the New York Times

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
would probably get a few thousand views.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And that felt like a lot of attention

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
on a relatively new relationship.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But as it turned out, I had no idea.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So the article was published online

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
on a Friday evening,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and by Saturday, this had happened[br]to the traffic on my blog,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and by Sunday, both the Today Show[br]and Good Morning America had called.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Within a month, the article[br]would receive over 8 million views,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I was, to say the least,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
underprepared for this sort of attention.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's one thing to work up[br]the confidence to write honestly

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
about your experiences with love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but it is another thing to discover

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that your love life[br]has made international news --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter) --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and to realize that people[br]across the world

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
are genuinely invested in the status[br]of your new relationship.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And when people called or emailed,[br]which they did every day for weeks,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
they always asked the same question first:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
are you guys still together?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In fact, as I was preparing this talk,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I did a quick search of my email inbox

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
for the phrase "Are you still together?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and several messages[br]popped up immediately.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They were from students and journalists

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and friendly strangers like this one.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I did radio interviews and they asked.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I even gave a talk, and one woman[br]shouted up to the stage,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And I promptly turned bright red.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I understand that this[br]is part of the deal.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If you write about your relationship[br]in an international newspaper,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you should expect people to feel[br]comfortable asking about it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But I just wasn't prepared[br]for the scope of the response.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The 36 questions seem[br]to have taken on a life of their own.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In fact, the New York Times[br]published a follow-up article

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
for Valentine's Day,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which featured readers' experiences[br]of trying the study themselves,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
with varying degrees of success.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So my first impulse in the face[br]of all of this attention

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
was to become very protective[br]of my own relationship.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I said no to every request[br]for the two of us

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to do a media appearance together.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I turned down TV interviews,[br]and I said no to every request

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
for photos of the two us.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I think I was afraid that we would become

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
inadvertent icons for the process[br]of falling in love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
a position I did not at all[br]feel qualified for.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And I get it:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
people didn't just want to know[br]if the study worked,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
they wanted to know if it really worked:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that is, if it was capable of producing[br]love that would last,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
not just a fling, but real love,[br]sustainable love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But this was a question I didn't feel[br]capable of answering.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
My own relationship[br]was only a few months old,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I felt like people were asking[br]the wrong question in the first place.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
What would knowing whether or not[br]we were still together really tell them?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If the answer was no,[br]would it make the experience

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
of doing these 36 questions[br]any less worthwhile?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote[br]about these questions

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
in this study here in 1997,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and here, the researcher's goal[br]was not to produce romantic love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Instead, they wanted to foster

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
interpersonal closeness[br]among college students,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
by using what Aron called

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"sustained, escalating, reciprocal,[br]personalistic self-disclosure."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Sounds romantic, doesn't it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But the study did work.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The participants did feel[br]closer after doing it,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and several subsequent studies have also[br]used Aron's fast friends protocol

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
as a way to quickly create trust[br]and intimacy between strangers.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They've used it between members[br]of the police and members of a community,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and they've used it between people[br]of opposing political ideologies.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The original version of the story,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the one that I tried last summer,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that pairs the personal questions[br]with four minutes of eye contact,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
was referenced in this article,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but unfortunately it was never published.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So a few months ago, I was giving a talk

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
at a small liberal arts college,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and a student came up to me afterwards

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and he said, kind of shyly,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"So, I tried your study,[br]and it didn't work."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
He seemed a little mystified by this.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"You mean, you didn't fall in love[br]with the person you did it with?" I asked.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Well..." He paused.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"I think she just wants to be friends."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"But did you become[br]better friends?" I asked.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Did you feel like you got to really[br]know each after doing the study?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
He nodded.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"So, then it worked," I said.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I don't think this is the answer[br]he was looking for.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In fact, I don't think this the answer[br]that any of us are looking for

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
when it comes to love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I first came across this study[br]when I was 29

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I was going through[br]a really difficult breakup.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I had been in the relationship[br]since I was 20,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which was basically my entire adult life,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and he was my first real love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I had no idea how or if[br]I could make a life without him.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So I turned to science.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I researched everything I could find[br]about the science of romantic love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I think I was hoping that it might[br]somehow inoculate me from heartache.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I don't know if I realized this

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
at the time --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I thought I was just doing research[br]for this book I was writing --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but it seems really obvious in retrospect.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I hoped that if I armed myself[br]with the knowledge of romantic love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I might never have to feel[br]as terrible and lonely as I did then.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And all this knowledge[br]has been useful in some ways.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I am more patient with love.[br]I am more relaxed.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I am more confident[br]about asking for what I want.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But I can also see myself more clearly,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I can see that I what I want[br]is sometimes more

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
than can reasonably be asked for.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
What I want from love is a guarantee,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
not just that I am loved today

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and that I will be loved tomorrow,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but that I will continue to be loved[br]by the person I love indefinitely.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And maybe it's this possibility[br]of a guarantee

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that people were really asking about

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
when they wanted to know[br]if we were still together.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So the story that the media told[br]about the 36 questions

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
was that there might be[br]a shortcut to falling in love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
There might be a way to somehow mitigate[br]some of the risk involved,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and this is a very appealing story,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because falling in love feels amazing,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but it's also terrifying.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The moment you admit to loving someone,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you admit to having a lot to lose,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and it's true that these questions[br]do provide a mechanism

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
for getting to know someone quickly,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is also a mechanism for being known,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I think this is the thing[br]that most of us really want from love:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to be known, to be seen, to be understood.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But I think when it comes to love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we are too willing to accept[br]the short version of the story,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the version of the story that asks[br]"Are you still together?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and is content with a yes or no answer.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So rather than that question,[br]I would propose we ask

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
some more difficult questions,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
questions like:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
How do you decide who deserves your love

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and who does not?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
How do you stay in love[br]when things get difficult,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and how do you know[br]when to just cut and run?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
How do you live with the doubt

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that inevitably creeps[br]into every relationship,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or even harder,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
how do you live with your partner's doubt?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I don't necessarily know[br]the answers to these questions,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but I think they're an important start[br]at having a more thoughtful conversation

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
about what it means to love someone.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So, if you want it,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the short version of the story[br]of my relationship is this:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
a year ago, an acquaintance[br]and I did a study

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
designed to create romantic love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and we fell in love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and we are still together,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I am so glad.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But falling in love is not[br]the same thing as staying in love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Falling in love is the easy part.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So at the end of my article, I wrote,[br]"Love didn't happen to us.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We're in love because we each[br]made the choice to be."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And I cringe a little[br]when I read that now,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
not because it isn't true,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but because at the time,[br]I really hadn't considered

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
everything that was contained[br]in that choice.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I didn't consider how many times[br]we would each have to make that choice,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and how many times I will continue[br]to have to make that choice

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
without knowing whether or not[br]he will always choose me.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I want it to be enough to have asked[br]and answered 36 questions,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and to have chosen to love someone[br]so generous and kind and fun

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and to have broadcast that choice[br]in the biggest newspaper in America.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But what I have done instead[br]is turn my relationship

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
into the kind of myth[br]I don't quite believe in.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And what I want, what perhaps[br]I will spend my life wanting,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is for that myth to be true.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I want the happy ending implied[br]by the title to my article,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is, incidentally,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the only part of the article[br]that I didn't actually write.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But what I have instead is the chance[br]to make the choice to love someone,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and the hope that he will choose[br]to love me back,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and it is terrifying,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but that's the deal with love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Thank you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Applause)