WEBVTT

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Hello.

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My name is Paul.

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This is my assistant TJ.

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And, yes, we are both professional engineers.

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(gong)

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(gong)

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The purpose of this presentation is to educate engineers and the general public

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about cats.

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It is widely known that cats are attractive creatures that can provide many hours of entertainment.

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But it's not all just fun and games.

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Having cats in your home also entails a certain amount of responsibility,

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and, depending on the number of cats you have, there might be some social implications.

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If you have one cat,

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you're just a guy who has a cat.

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This is Oscar.

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If you have two cats, well, the two cats are friends, so they can keep each other company.

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Ginger.

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When you have three cats...

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And Zoe.

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You start to get to be that guy

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who has all those cats.

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Cats come in a variety

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of shapes, sizes, and colors.

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Zoe measures 17 inches by 10 inches,

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which gives her an aspect ratio of 1.70, and a large internal volume.

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Oscar measures 19 inches by 8 inches, for an aspect ratio of 2.38,

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that gives him less wind resistance and superior leaping capability.

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Ginger's compact size makes her easy to handle,

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and also allows her to fit into tight parking spaces.

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The basic necessities that cats need are food and also water.

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Fortunately, like most engineers, cats are pretty much willing to eat the same thing

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day after day after day.

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But since we all know variety is the spice of life,

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it is good to try something different

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from time to time.

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Good toast.

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For this reason, I occasionally offer my cats something that they seem to love

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even more than life itself: Tuna.

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(excited meowing)

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Tuna is pretty much like cocaine for kitties.

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You know, guys, the first step to solving the problem is admitting you have one.

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Besides eating, it is good for cats to have some sort of hobby or pastime.

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For example, Zoe is an accomplished marathon lounger, and spends many hours each day

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in a rigorous lounge training schedule.

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Here she exhibits a traditional feline slumber position, and with this anchor technique,

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she makes clever use of the Earth's gravitational field to keep herself firmly attached

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to the floor of my living room.

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Ginger likes dancing, including Classical, tap, and ballet, but she also likes to get down

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with the more modern type of club dancing.

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(beatboxing)

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Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

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Shake that booty.

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Yeah.

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Oonch-ooonch-oonch-oonch.

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Oscar's hobby is feline art,

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with his favorite genres being postmodern cardboard deconstruction,

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floral arrangement regurgitation, and rotational forms of performance art,

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which also helps with regurgitation.

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Oscar and Ginger will sometimes combine their effors, as with this collaborative

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low-energy cardboard performance art,

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and Zoe will often provide feedback as an art critic.

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(Rex Tremendae from Mozart's Requiem)

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Her brutal honesty also gives Oscar the opportunity to practice

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his martial arts skills.

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CHORUS: Rex tremendae maiestatis.

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PAUL: Another activity that cats and humans can enjoy together

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is something called the

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"I'm not paying any attention to you" game, which can last for hours.

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Here's Ginger and TJ going head to head, trying to not pay attention to each other.

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TJ is making good use of his opposable thumbs to try to distract Ginger,

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using the dead bird simulator cat toy.

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This annoys Ginger, and she boycotts the game.

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Young male engineers will be familiar with this game, as they often use the same technique

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to attract the attention of ladies.

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MALE VOICE ON RADIO: Oh, baby, baby, baby.

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Notice TJ using the same characteristic sideways glance, and a similar level of annoyance

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on the part of his opponent.

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MALE VOICE: No, no, no!

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PAUL: Next we must address a difficult topic:

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Disciplining your cats for bad behavior.

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Any unwanted behavior should be dealt with in a kind and loving manner.

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For this reason, I use a method

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called "corporal cuddling".

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(meow!)

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(meow!)

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(meow!)

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(meow!)

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While this may appear cruel and unusual, or perhaps just a bit weird,

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it really does not harm the cat, yet is still sufficiently annoying.

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A similar technique is used for a new form of artistic expression:

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Cat yodelling.

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(meoww-oww-oww-oww)

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(meow!)

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(meoww-woww-wooww!)

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(meoww-woww-woww)

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Finally, we would like to address the role of cats in the 21st Century.

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In this day and age of Global Warming and the need for renewable forms of energy,

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it is our belief that cats can provide a practical benefit with their natural

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static electricity characteristics.

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TJ and I have been experimenting with methods for tapping into this natural source of power

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by combining cats, balloons, carpeting, rechargeable AA batteries, and duct tape.

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We've tried different variations by matching larger volume balloons to Zoe,

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and more slender balloons to Oscar,

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but so far our testing is inconclusive.

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Several details that still need to be resolved include cat motivation problems

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and a potential incompatibility between cat claws and balloons.

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(pop!)

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We hope you've enjoyed this presentation, and with an increased understanding of cats,

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perhaps you will consider bringing one into your life, if you've not done so already.

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Indeed, cats are wonderful animals that will provide many years of companionship and love,

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even if you are a regular person,

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and not an engineer.

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(spacy electronic music)