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Don’t talk to strangers!

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Who’s heard that before?

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This is what all of us hear
from our parents, teachers and our peers

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when we are tiny.

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And why?

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According to Psychological Science,

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children as young as seven

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already evaluate trustworthiness
in strangers as accurately as adults do.

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But still, for a fear of the unknown,

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we try to avoid all
communication with strangers.

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And I do have to commend us

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because now, in the 21st century,

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we have perfected the art
of not talking with strangers

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through our tech gadgets.

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Today, when we walk down the streets,

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on our phones, with AirPods in our ears,

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we pass people on the street
without even acknowledging their presence.

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Because, why would we?

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Are they going to introduce me
to my soulmate?

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Are they going to find me my next job?

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Probably not.

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So it seems that having conversations 
with strangers is a total waste of time.

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And anyway, we are so busy.

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Now, I want to convince you
of the opposite,

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that speaking with strangers 
and diving into the unknown

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will improve your life tremendously,

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both by giving you more opportunities 
and connecting you with your community.

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Now, imagine it is 8:30 in the morning,

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and you click the elevator door

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on the eighth floor
of your apartment building

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to get to work.

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You are coffee-in-hand, 
and you walk into the elevator,

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and all of a sudden, the elevator stops.

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On the seventh floor.

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A lady walks in with her two dogs.

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What do you do?

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A. Comment on the dogs: 
"Oh, they’re so cute!"

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B. Pull out your phone and pretend 
to do something of utmost importance.

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or C. Stand awkwardly, 
sipping your coffee.

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So just think to yourself,
and be completely honest,

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who would pick option A?

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I see you friendly folks out there!

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And B?

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And here, the masters of acting!

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And C?

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Ah yes! There are my fellow
awkward coffee sippers!

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That used to be me until I was sipping
a latte with my aunt one afternoon.

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She told me the story
of how she got her current job.

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She was a financial advisor

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and got an email one morning
telling her she was dismissed.

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That week, she sent six applications
to different companies,

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frantically trying to get a job.

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Disillusioned, a month later,

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she got on the elevator
after her Planet Fitness workout session.

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There were two men in the elevator,

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and she began to fuss
about the challenges of finding a job.

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One of the men mentioned
that his wife worked for a headhunter

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specializing in the area
she let him know she was interested in,

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and gave her her number.

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My aunt called the headhunter,

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and within two weeks,
she had a job she loved.

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All from speaking with a stranger
in an elevator, no less.

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The average New York City
elevator ride lasts 118 seconds.

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That’s it.

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That’s what it can take 
to spark a conversation

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that leads to somewhere interesting
and different, even life-changing.

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Inspired by my aunt’s story,

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I decided to turn an opportunity
in the elevator that lasts 118 seconds

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into an opportunity that lasts 8 hours.

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I wanted to discover the stories
of fellow MTA commuters

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by speaking with them.

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I got on the 6 subway train
at 9 AM on 86th Street.

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This was, naturally, pre-COVID-19.

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And I stayed on the green line,
going up and down, until 5 PM.

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A total of eight hours on the subway.

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The entire time,

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my goal was to speak
with people I had never met

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and would likely never meet again.

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I asked people the same question
to spark off a brief conversation:

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"If this subway car
could take you anywhere,

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where would you go?"

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At times, the responses were a mixture
of a shrug of the shoulders

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or pretending to get back
to a text message or a game,

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Subway Surfer included.

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It was easy to understand
the reticence to speak with a stranger.

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I think several people thought
I was plausibly mad

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and distanced themselves from me
as if I had the flu.

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The people I did spark
a connection with, though,

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shared fascinating responses 
to my question.

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I met a young man who answered me

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by pointing up to an advertisement
in the car about holidaying in Florida.

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He wanted the train to take him
to the white beaches and blue sea,

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to share the spot with his boyfriend.

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He wanted to get away
from the hurly-burly.

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A totally different perspective 
came from an older woman

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who said she wanted 
the subway to take her to Mars.

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For all of her life, she loved astronomy,

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and today, with the rise of astrobiology,

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which she explained to me 
means the study of life on planets,

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she wanted to see for herself 
the possibility of life on Mars.

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So there I was,

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sitting with this person
on the subway car

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who was an Elon Musk-type visionary.

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A third and final sample
from my more than 200 interactions

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was of a mother of five children 
who was expecting a sixth.

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She told me she wanted 
the subway car to take her home,

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exactly where she was headed.

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She wanted to open
the front door to her home

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and feel the warm hugs of her children
after a long day in a small cubicle.

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She hoped there wouldn’t be 
a delay in the trains

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for she was eager
to prepare dinner for her children,

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their favorite: pasta with tomato sauce.

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I wanted to join her for that too!

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The average New Yorker spends
six hours commuting each week,

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most of which takes place 
in the company of fellow commuters.

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That's fertile ground 
to reach out to a stranger

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and get some type of conversation going,

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even if it's just to commend them 
on something or other.

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In fact, it's in everyone’s best interest.

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A 2014 study conducted 
by Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder,

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published in the Association
for Psychological Science,

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found that commuters who spoke
with their fellow subway or bus riders

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had a more positive
and equally productive commute.

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Plus, we can always get
to beating our Candy Crush score later.

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I got enough captivating stories
from my single question to write a book.

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In class, I have found inspiration

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for revisiting this childhood fear
of speaking with strangers.

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One of my teachers found her soulmate
from one such interaction.

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Check it out.

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She was at the grocery store, 
in the ice cream aisle,

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trying to reach the top row

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to get the Ben & Jerry’s
chocolate chip cookie dough flavor.

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A man walks up to her
and offers to reach it for her.

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He was six foot two.

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He tells her that
it's his favorite flavor -

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as is mine! -

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and they start talking.

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Cut the story short, my teacher
and the tall man exchange phone numbers,

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and they grab coffee the following week

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since they discover
they work near one another.

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One thing leads to another,

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and they are today celebrating
25 years married.

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No doubt a thing of fortune,

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and glad that their chance meeting 
didn't happen today, during COVID-19,

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where keeping six feet apart
may have meant lives never come together.

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Let's hope we can restart
our social lives soon!

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When we do, what will we do differently?

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How will we come out of our hibernation?

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What will we improve on,

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learning from the importance of social 
interactions from being starved of them?

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Perhaps I can recommend a script 
to help you along, if valuable.

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You can start an interaction 
by asking a fun question.

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It's quirky, but you'd be surprised 
how much people want to share.

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What will you ask?

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A. What is your favorite color?

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B. If you could make a YouTube video
with one billion views,

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what would it be about?

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or C. If this subway car could take you 
anywhere, where would you go?

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When this pandemic ends,

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as we once again fill the subway cars
and elevators and grocery stores,

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let’s return and share the human energy

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that we have missed
during this awful pandemic.

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Make that some type of resolution.

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Goodbye to awkward coffee sips 
or pretense eyeing of your phone.

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Reach out to a stranger instead.

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Thank you.