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Nonverbals is everything that communicates

2
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but is not a word.

3
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This beautiful theater,

4
00:00:19,459 --> 00:00:21,909
it's communicating to us.

5
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How you sit is communicating to us.

6
00:00:27,293 --> 00:00:30,239
The things that you attach to yourself -

7
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a purse, a pen, a fancy car -

8
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all these things are communicating.

9
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How you look at others communicates.

10
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And all day long,

11
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we are communicating nonverbally.

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All day long.

13
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You can look in
on your child as they sleep,

14
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and you can tell
if they're having a nightmare

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or if they're sleeping soundly.

16
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As you sit there -

17
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and now I'm starting to see some of you -

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you're giving information up,

19
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even as I'm giving information up.

20
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You're assessing me.

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If I can speak to you
from an anthropological standpoint,

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I am transmitting information
about myself, my beliefs,

23
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the things that I value,

24
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even as you are.

25
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Now that I can see you a little clearer,

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how many of you were dressed
by your parents today?

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Raise your hand.

28
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(Laughter)

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Wow!

30
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(Laughs)

31
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Spouses - that's okay.

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Your spouses can dr -

33
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So you chose to dress the way you did,

34
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even as I chose to dress the way I did.

35
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They said, "Well, it's TED Talks.
You can dress down."

36
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I said, "You know,
I was in the FBI for 25 years.

37
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I don't know how else to dress."

38
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(Laughter)

39
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"It would be such a disappointment."

40
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It's like on TV.

41
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They always have suits,

42
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even when they're walking
through the marsh.

43
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(Laughter)

44
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It's true.

45
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I can't tell you how many
crime scenes I went through

46
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that ruined really inexpensive suits.

47
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(Laughter)

48
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But we look good!

49
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But we looked good.

50
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(Laughter)

51
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I guess humor is allowed.

52
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So all day long, we're making choices.

53
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We're making choices.

54
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They're based on culture.

55
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They're based on peer pressure,
on personal preferences.

56
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And so the things we wear
and attach to ourselves are transmitting -

57
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our bodies are transmitting information.

58
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And the question that I'm often asked
is, well, how authentic is it?

59
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How authentic is it?

60
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And as I pondered this,

61
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I said, "You know what?

62
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What if we think of the power
of nonverbal communication?

63
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But let's do it
by taking the myths out of it

64
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and plugging in what really values,

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what really is a value,

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when it comes to nonverbals."

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How many of you have had a bad handshake?

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(Laughter)

69
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Now, normally -

70
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of course, now we have the coronavirus -

71
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I would have you turn to each other

72
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and give each other a handshake
that's really bad.

73
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But I'm not going to do that.

74
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I want you to just
put your hand in front of you

75
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and pretend to give someone
a bad handshake.

76
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Ready? Let's do it.

77
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(Laughter)

78
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Let's do it, do it, do it.

79
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Yeah.

80
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Yeah, good.

81
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Do you realize the funny faces you make?

82
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(Laughter)

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It's like, I didn't ask you
to make a funny face,

84
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and yet you did.

85
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Why is that?

86
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Because you're human.

87
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And humans betray what we feel,

88
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what we think,

89
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what we desire,

90
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what we intend,

91
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what makes us anxious,

92
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and what we fear.

93
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And we do it in real time.

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We don't have to wait 20 minutes;

95
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it happens now.

96
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And our body language,
in a way, it's exquisite

97
00:05:06,999 --> 00:05:11,020
because there's an area
of the brain that is elegant.

98
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And it's elegant
because it takes shortcuts;

99
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it doesn't think.

100
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If I bring in a Bengal tiger here
and walk it around,

101
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nobody sits around and waves at it.

102
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That's like, you know, "Eat me."

103
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No! Everybody freezes.

104
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And that's because of the limbic system.

105
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This rather primitive area of the brain
that reacts to the world,

106
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doesn't have to think about the world.

107
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And everything that comes
from the limbic brain

108
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is so authentic.

109
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You hear a loud noise and you freeze.

110
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Right?

111
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"What? What was that?"

112
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You get bad news,
or you see something on TV,

113
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and you cover your mouth.

114
00:06:02,378 --> 00:06:03,527
(Gasps)

115
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"Why is that?"

116
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When the conquistadores
arrived in the New World,

117
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they didn't have any problem
finding out who was in authority.

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The same behaviors that they had just left
in Queen Isabella's court,

119
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they saw in the New World.

120
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The kings sat higher, had better clothing,

121
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had an entourage.

122
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Okay, they didn't have
their own show on television,

123
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but pretty close.

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So all these behaviors are very authentic

125
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because the limbic system resides
within that human brain -

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it's part of our paleocircuits.

127
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And so, when we see the furrowed forehead

128
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on a baby that's three weeks old,

129
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we know that -

130
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this little area called the glabella -

131
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something is wrong,

132
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there's an issue.

133
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When we see the bunny nose, right,

134
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when you wrinkle the nose,

135
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yeah, we know what that means -

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"Ew, I don't like that,"

137
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"Mm, I don't want that. Don't want that,"

138
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"Ew!"

139
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Right?

140
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Did I just say that in public?

141
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(Laughter)

142
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When we squint, we're focusing,
but we have concerns.

143
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Ah, when the eyelids close,

144
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"You want me to do what?"

145
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And if things are really bad,

146
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(Laughter)

147
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"You want me to talk for 15 minutes?"

148
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(Laughter)

149
00:07:48,732 --> 00:07:50,422
Here's what's interesting.

150
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Children who are born blind,

151
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when they hear things they don't like,

152
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they don't cover their ears,
they cover their eyes.

153
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They've never seen.

154
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This is millions of years old.

155
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Smiles are important.

156
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And our mouths.

157
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The lips begin to disappear
when we're stressed, right?

158
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Most politicians look something like that?

159
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(Laughter)

160
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And right before they're indicted,
they look like that -

161
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(Laughter)

162
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dramatic lip pulls,

163
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jaw shifting,

164
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and covering of the neck.

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(Gasps)

166
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You've seen that -
clutching of the pearls.

167
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They go, (Gasps)

168
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"There's that creep! Oh, he's gone now."

169
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"He's back!"

170
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(Laughter)

171
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But did you know why?

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Large felines.

173
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We have seen large felines for so long,

174
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taking down prey,

175
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that we immediately cover our necks.

176
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How many of you've been told

177
00:09:07,855 --> 00:09:13,463
that you can detect deception
by the use of nonverbals?

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I'm here to clear that up.

179
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When you leave here today, and you say,

180
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"Well, I heard that Navarro fellow,

181
00:09:23,945 --> 00:09:28,457
and he did about 13,000
interviews in the FBI.

182
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He said there is no Pinocchio effect.

183
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There's not one single behavior
indicative of deception.

184
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Not one."

185
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And we mustn't propagate that.

186
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We must not tell people

187
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that we can detect that they're lying
because of behaviors.

188
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They may be anxious,

189
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they may be stressed,

190
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but not deceptive.

191
00:09:55,007 --> 00:09:58,167
How many of you have been told
that if you cross your arms,

192
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that you're blocking people away?

193
00:10:01,095 --> 00:10:02,401
Have you heard that?

194
00:10:02,921 --> 00:10:05,095
There's a clinical term for that.

195
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It's called "crap."

196
00:10:06,955 --> 00:10:09,406
(Laughter)

197
00:10:09,406 --> 00:10:11,163
Yeah, I said it.

198
00:10:11,373 --> 00:10:12,528
(Laughter)

199
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Get over it.

200
00:10:13,969 --> 00:10:15,149
(Laughter)

201
00:10:15,149 --> 00:10:16,178
It's crap.

202
00:10:16,178 --> 00:10:17,888
It's a self-hug.

203
00:10:18,293 --> 00:10:19,798
You're comfortable.

204
00:10:19,798 --> 00:10:23,603
Yeah, where does this nonsense come from?

205
00:10:26,223 --> 00:10:28,040
You know, I'm asked a question often:

206
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:32,161
"So, you know, Joe, you were a spycatcher.

207
00:10:32,161 --> 00:10:34,576
You use nonverbals every day.

208
00:10:34,576 --> 00:10:36,347
What do you use it for?"

209
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:39,679
To make sure people are comfortable.

210
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:43,319
To make sure that we are empathetic.

211
00:10:44,239 --> 00:10:49,625
The only way to be truly empathetic
is by understanding nonverbals.

212
00:10:51,441 --> 00:10:56,315
Carl Sagan, the famous cosmologist, said,

213
00:10:56,909 --> 00:11:00,437
"Who are we? What are we?"

214
00:11:01,366 --> 00:11:02,757
If you think about that,

215
00:11:02,757 --> 00:11:06,596
it really takes a smart person
to ask that question.

216
00:11:07,516 --> 00:11:09,983
What are we in this universe?

217
00:11:10,543 --> 00:11:12,913
And he summed it up this way -

218
00:11:13,363 --> 00:11:15,888
and I think it's rather exquisite -

219
00:11:16,728 --> 00:11:23,365
he said all we are is the sum total
of our influence on others.

220
00:11:25,195 --> 00:11:26,924
That's all we are.

221
00:11:27,394 --> 00:11:29,298
It's not how much you earn.

222
00:11:29,518 --> 00:11:31,721
It's not how many cars you have.

223
00:11:31,721 --> 00:11:33,986
It's our influence on each other.

224
00:11:34,446 --> 00:11:36,302
And what's interesting is

225
00:11:36,302 --> 00:11:40,281
that the primary way
that we influence each others

226
00:11:41,141 --> 00:11:43,125
is through nonverbals.

227
00:11:44,205 --> 00:11:46,889
It's that nice handshake;

228
00:11:47,239 --> 00:11:49,612
it's the pat on the shoulder;

229
00:11:49,612 --> 00:11:51,944
it's that touch of the hand.

230
00:11:52,224 --> 00:11:55,993
It is that behavior that communicates love

231
00:11:56,383 --> 00:12:00,633
in a way that words simply can't do it.

232
00:12:02,053 --> 00:12:05,442
When you leave here,
you're going to have choices.

233
00:12:06,532 --> 00:12:10,004
You always have choices;
you have free agency.

234
00:12:12,364 --> 00:12:15,283
And one of the things
that you should think about is,

235
00:12:15,503 --> 00:12:18,631
How do I change my nonverbals?

236
00:12:19,571 --> 00:12:22,851
How do I become that person of influence?

237
00:12:24,471 --> 00:12:27,519
Because if there's one thing
we need in this world,

238
00:12:28,509 --> 00:12:31,746
it's truly to be more empathetic.

239
00:12:32,066 --> 00:12:34,829
And so when I see this,

240
00:12:35,919 --> 00:12:37,435
it says it all.

241
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:41,237
That's why we use nonverbals -

242
00:12:41,417 --> 00:12:43,500
because they're powerful.

243
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:44,798
Thank you.

244
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:47,378
(Applause)