WEBVTT

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Nonverbals is everything that communicates

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but is not a word.

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This beautiful theater,

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it's communicating to us.

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How you sit is communicating to us.

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The things that you attach to yourself -

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a purse, a pen, a fancy car -

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all these things are communicating.

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How you look at others communicates.

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And all day long,

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we are communicating nonverbally.

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All day long.

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You can look in
on your child as they sleep,

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and you can tell
if they're having a nightmare

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or if they're sleeping soundly.

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As you sit there -

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and now I'm starting to see some of you -

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you're giving information up,

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even as I'm giving information up.

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You're assessing me.

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If I can speak to you
from an anthropological standpoint,

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I am transmitting information
about myself, my beliefs,

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the things that I value,

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even as you are.

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Now that I can see you a little clearer,

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how many of you were dressed
by your parents today?

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Raise your hand.

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(Laughter)

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Wow!

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(Laughs)

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Spouses - that's okay.

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Your spouses can dr -

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So you chose to dress the way you did,

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even as I chose to dress the way I did.

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They said, "Well, it's TED Talks.
You can dress down."

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I said, "You know,
I was in the FBI for 25 years.

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I don't know how else to dress."

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(Laughter)

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"It would be such a disappointment."

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It's like on TV.

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They always have suits,

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even when they're walking
through the marsh.

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(Laughter)

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It's true.

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I can't tell you how many
crime scenes I went through

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that ruined really inexpensive suits.

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(Laughter)

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But we look good!

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But we looked good.

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(Laughter)

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I guess humor is allowed.

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So all day long, we're making choices.

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We're making choices.

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They're based on culture.

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They're based on peer pressure,
on personal preferences.

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And so the things we wear
and attach to ourselves are transmitting -

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our bodies are transmitting information.

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And the question that I'm often asked
is, well, how authentic is it?

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How authentic is it?

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And as I pondered this,

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I said, "You know what?

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What if we think of the power
of nonverbal communication?

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But let's do it
by taking the myths out of it

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and plugging in what really values,

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what really is a value,

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when it comes to nonverbals."

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How many of you have had a bad handshake?

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(Laughter)

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Now, normally -

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of course, now we have the coronavirus -

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I would have you turn to each other

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and give each other a handshake
that's really bad.

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But I'm not going to do that.

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I want you to just
put your hand in front of you

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and pretend to give someone
a bad handshake.

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Ready? Let's do it.

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(Laughter)

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Let's do it, do it, do it.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, good.

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Do you realize the funny faces you make?

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(Laughter)

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It's like, I didn't ask you
to make a funny face,

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and yet you did.

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Why is that?

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Because you're human.

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And humans betray what we feel,

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what we think,

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what we desire,

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what we intend,

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what makes us anxious,

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and what we fear.

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And we do it in real time.

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We don't have to wait 20 minutes;

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it happens now.

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And our body language,
in a way, it's exquisite

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because there's an area
of the brain that is elegant.

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And it's elegant
because it takes shortcuts;

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it doesn't think.

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If I bring in a Bengal tiger here
and walk it around,

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nobody sits around and waves at it.

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That's like, you know, "Eat me."

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No! Everybody freezes.

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And that's because of the limbic system.

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This rather primitive area of the brain
that reacts to the world,

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doesn't have to think about the world.

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And everything that comes
from the limbic brain

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is so authentic.

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You hear a loud noise and you freeze.

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Right?

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"What? What was that?"

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You get bad news,
or you see something on TV,

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and you cover your mouth.

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(Gasps)

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"Why is that?"

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When the conquistadores
arrived in the New World,

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they didn't have any problem
finding out who was in authority.

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The same behaviors that they had just left
in Queen Isabella's court,

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they saw in the New World.

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The kings sat higher, had better clothing,

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had an entourage.

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Okay, they didn't have
their own show on television,

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but pretty close.

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So all these behaviors are very authentic

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because the limbic system resides
within that human brain -

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it's part of our paleocircuits.

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And so, when we see the furrowed forehead

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on a baby that's three weeks old,

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we know that -

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this little area called the glabella -

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something is wrong,

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there's an issue.

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When we see the bunny nose, right,

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when you wrinkle the nose,

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yeah, we know what that means -

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"Ew, I don't like that,"

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"Mm, I don't want that. Don't want that,"

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"Ew!"

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Right?

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Did I just say that in public?

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(Laughter)

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When we squint, we're focusing,
but we have concerns.

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Ah, when the eyelids close,

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"You want me to do what?"

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And if things are really bad,

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(Laughter)

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"You want me to talk for 15 minutes?"

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(Laughter)

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Here's what's interesting.

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Children who are born blind,

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when they hear things they don't like,

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they don't cover their ears,
they cover their eyes.

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They've never seen.

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This is millions of years old.

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Smiles are important.

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And our mouths.

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The lips begin to disappear
when we're stressed, right?

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Most politicians look something like that?

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(Laughter)

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And right before they're indicted,
they look like that -

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(Laughter)

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dramatic lip pulls,

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jaw shifting,

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and covering of the neck.

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(Gasps)

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You've seen that -
clutching of the pearls.

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They go, (Gasps)

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"There's that creep! Oh, he's gone now."

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"He's back!"

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(Laughter)

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But did you know why?

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Large felines.

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We have seen large felines for so long,

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taking down prey,

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that we immediately cover our necks.

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How many of you've been told

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that you can detect deception
by the use of nonverbals?

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I'm here to clear that up.

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When you leave here today, and you say,

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"Well, I heard that Navarro fellow,

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and he did about 13,000
interviews in the FBI.

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He said there is no Pinocchio effect.

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There's not one single behavior
indicative of deception.

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Not one."

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And we mustn't propagate that.

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We must not tell people

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that we can detect that they're lying
because of behaviors.

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They may be anxious,

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they may be stressed,

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but not deceptive.

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How many of you have been told
that if you cross your arms,

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that you're blocking people away?

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Have you heard that?

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There's a clinical term for that.

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It's called "crap."

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(Laughter)

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Yeah, I said it.

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(Laughter)

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Get over it.

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(Laughter)

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It's crap.

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It's a self-hug.

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You're comfortable.

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Yeah, where does this nonsense come from?

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You know, I'm asked a question often:

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"So, you know, Joe, you were a spycatcher.

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You use nonverbals every day.

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What do you use it for?"

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To make sure people are comfortable.

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To make sure that we are empathetic.

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The only way to be truly empathetic
is by understanding nonverbals.

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Carl Sagan, the famous cosmologist, said,

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"Who are we? What are we?"

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If you think about that,

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it really takes a smart person
to ask that question.

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What are we in this universe?

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And he summed it up this way -

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and I think it's rather exquisite -

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he said all we are is the sum total
of our influence on others.

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That's all we are.

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It's not how much you earn.

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It's not how many cars you have.

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It's our influence on each other.

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And what's interesting is

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that the primary way
that we influence each others

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is through nonverbals.

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It's that nice handshake;

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it's the pat on the shoulder;

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it's that touch of the hand.

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It is that behavior that communicates love

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in a way that words simply can't do it.

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When you leave here,
you're going to have choices.

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You always have choices;
you have free agency.

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And one of the things
that you should think about is,

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How do I change my nonverbals?

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How do I become that person of influence?

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Because if there's one thing
we need in this world,

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it's truly to be more empathetic.

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And so when I see this,

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it says it all.

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That's why we use nonverbals -

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because they're powerful.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)