[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.86,0:00:02.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Harland: Alright Mitch. Just about to step on stage
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.88,0:00:04.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at Just For Laughs Montreal.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.63,0:00:05.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How ya feeling, Big Daddy?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.77,0:00:07.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mitch: Oh, I think it's gonna go good.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.45,0:00:11.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel the crowd in there. They're really laughing \Nhard so I'm excited.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.05,0:00:14.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got some ideas that I might try. Ya know, hopefully it'll fly.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.14,0:00:14.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We'll see.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.89,0:00:17.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Harland: You got any little butterflies or insects
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.13,0:00:18.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in your stomach or anything?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.94,0:00:22.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mitch: {\i1}chuckel{\i0} Yeah man, totally, always.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.01,0:00:25.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like to move back and forth so that \Ncould be some insect affect right there.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.13,0:00:31.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Harland: Is it like a millipede? I just called you a millipede.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.64,0:00:33.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mitch: But I'm so many legs short of that, man.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.76,0:00:37.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Harland: I know ya've only got 2. Why did I do that to you?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.03,0:00:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why did I play the race card?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.00,0:00:40.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mitch: Call me a dos-a-pede.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.81,0:00:42.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hardland: He's a dos-a-pede.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.53,0:00:47.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,MC: And now, a man who sees the world \Nthrough rose colored glasses, literally,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.26,0:00:49.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's Mitch Hedberg!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.56,0:00:53.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mitch: Thank you, this is my favorite\Nplace to perform comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.69,0:00:56.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A big room...
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.31,0:00:59.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Packed; I like this ya know I was here in 1998 \Nand I performed here.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.65,0:01:02.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a pretty good set here, \Nya know I thought I was cool.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.86,0:01:04.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People laughed a lot, ya know?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.60,0:01:06.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then they didn't bring me back for 3 years now.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.77,0:01:10.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So tonight I'm gonna try to suck.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.62,0:01:13.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe that'll get me back next year.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.98,0:01:15.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't really like beer. I like to have a Jack and Coke,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.70,0:01:17.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they won't let us have it back there.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.68,0:01:20.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One time I had a Jack and Coke with a lime in it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.09,0:01:22.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I saw that the lime was floating...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.58,0:01:25.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's good news man. \NNext time I'm on a boat and it capsizes...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.31,0:01:28.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will reach for a lime.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.28,0:01:33.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver on.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.70,0:01:37.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People will say "What the hell?", and I'll pull out a lime.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.88,0:01:39.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And a lemon, too...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:39.74,0:01:44.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm saved by the bouyancy of citrus.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.05,0:01:49.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought my teeth were white until I \Nwashed my face with Noxzema.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.21,0:01:52.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are off-white.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.37,0:01:55.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not even white, I'm off-white.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.16,0:02:00.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a new race; we will prevail.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.49,0:02:03.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know when it comes to racism, people say,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.83,0:02:07.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I don't care of they're black, white, \Npurple, or green."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.45,0:02:11.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Aw, hold on now. Purple or green?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.13,0:02:15.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ya gotta draw the line somewhere.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.05,0:02:18.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To hell with purple people.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.58,0:02:22.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Unless they're suffocating.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.10,0:02:25.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then help 'em.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.28,0:02:30.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm staying a hotel right now. There's no\N13th floor because of superstition.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.58,0:02:32.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But come on man, the people on the 14th floor,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.78,0:02:36.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know what floor you're really on.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.82,0:02:45.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you jump out of the 14th floor, hoping to\Nkill yourself, you will die earlier.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.42,0:02:51.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,13 is an unlucky number. If 13 is an unlucky number
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.39,0:02:53.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then so should the letter B be.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.10,0:02:57.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because B looks like a scrunched together 13.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.30,0:02:59.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hello, what is your name? "Bob."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.29,0:03:02.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Get the hell away!
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.67,0:03:10.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I saw a commercial for an above ground pool. \NIt was 30 seconds long.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.51,0:03:13.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know why? Because that's the maximum \Namount of time that you
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.75,0:03:18.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can depict yourself having fun \Nin an above ground pool.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.48,0:03:21.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If it was 31 seconds the people in\Nthe pool would be going,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.09,0:03:23.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What the hell? What am I supposed to do now?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.47,0:03:25.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The water's only up to here.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.28,0:03:28.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What should I do? Throw the ball back to Jimmy?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.55,0:03:33.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or put on some goggles and look at his feet?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.85,0:03:36.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was gonna stay overnight at my friend's house.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.82,0:03:38.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He said "you're gonna have to sleep on the floor."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.72,0:03:40.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Damn Gravity. Got me again.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.90,0:03:46.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.28,0:03:51.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I bought a house. I bought a 2 bedroom house.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.49,0:03:56.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's up to me how many bedrooms there \Nare though, isn't it?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.44,0:04:00.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This bedroom has an oven in it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.99,0:04:04.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This bedroom has a lot of people \Nsittin' around watchin' TV.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.62,0:04:09.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This bedroom is AKA a hallway.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.15,0:04:12.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This bedroom's over in that guy's house.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.66,0:04:18.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sir, you have one of my bedrooms.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.07,0:04:20.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got a kingsize bed. I don't know any kings.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.44,0:04:24.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.62,0:04:28.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh you're a king you say? Well you won't\Nbelieve what I have in store for you.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.96,0:04:32.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's to your exact specifications.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.41,0:04:41.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was a boy, I laid in my twinsize \Nbed wondering where my brother was.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.82,0:04:50.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See, I live in the US. If you're in the US \Nand you can trick someone
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.75,0:04:56.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into thinking they're in Canada, \Nyou can get more money for a magazine.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.04,0:04:58.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was at a convenience store reading a magazine, and the clerk said,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.44,0:05:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"This is not a library."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.00,0:05:06.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "Alright, I will talk louder then."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.74,0:05:11.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was at a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.11,0:05:13.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I don't think the waitress understood me because she said,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.06,0:05:15.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"How would you like your eggs?".
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.26,0:05:20.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said, "Incubated".
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.62,0:05:25.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then raised, and then beheaded, \Nand then plucked, and then cut up.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.36,0:05:28.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.35,0:05:31.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Damn, it's gonna take a while.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.12,0:05:38.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't have time. Scrambled.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.33,0:05:40.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a cold sore, I put some Carmex on it.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.36,0:05:43.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Carmex is supposed to heal cold sores. \NI don't know if it does.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.45,0:05:47.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it will make them shiny and more noticeable.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.16,0:05:49.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much, thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.90,0:05:52.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,{\i1}applause{\i0}
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.53,0:05:54.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Captioned by Jeff