1
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:07,700
Kevin, you're alive. I don't believe it. 
Oh my god. It's a miracle.

2
00:00:07,700 --> 00:00:11,029
Well, I guess you replaced real butter
as the star of the dinner.

3
00:00:11,029 --> 00:00:12,329
But I don't understand.

4
00:00:12,329 --> 00:00:14,659
The army said 
you'd been killed in action.

5
00:00:14,659 --> 00:00:18,640
- What happened? 
- Well, it's quite a story.

6
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:21,770
In some ways, army life in Iraq is what you'd expect.

7
00:00:21,770 --> 00:00:25,230
What with the blistering heat, the constant sense of impending danger,

8
00:00:25,230 --> 00:00:28,640
and the one gay soldier awkwardly avoiding the use of pronouns?

9
00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:31,020
Man, I sure missed my sweetheart back home.

10
00:00:31,020 --> 00:00:35,200
I can't wait to get back to that person. 
Chow time, boys. Yes, sir.

11
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,450
Sergeant major general captain.

12
00:00:37,450 --> 00:00:42,700
Ah, come on, boys. It's thanksgiving. Call me major general captain now you eat up

13
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,839
I don't trust that turkey those iraqis made

14
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:46,320
ah

15
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:51,759
You're all wet swanson. I call the white meat. I call the dark meat. I call the cell phone duct tape to the side. No

16
00:00:56,079 --> 00:01:00,878
They're all dead sir, except for swanson he's in a coma but he's unlikely to recover, okay

17
00:01:00,879 --> 00:01:05,039
Well just send swanson's parents a letter saying that he's dead cause those are already printed

18
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:10,239
You know what send one to my parents too. I spent five years in a kuwait military hospital

19
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:15,119
I woke up from the coma last week and I flew straight here kind of a thanksgiving surprise

20
00:01:15,439 --> 00:01:18,239
Hey when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma

21
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:22,798
Do you know it's happening and just can't do anything about it, or do you not even know what's going on?

22
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,880
I also am curious about that. Hey

23
00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:25,200
kevin

24
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:30,159
You know, I put a yellow ribbon on my car for you guys and a little thing that says I support the troops

25
00:01:30,479 --> 00:01:32,479
Cause there's nothing I wouldn't do for you guys

26
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:37,680
But I don't have any change on me right now. Well, all that matters is that my boy is home

27
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:44,959
Kevin, I want you to meet your little sister susie. Wow. Hey little sis. I guess we got some catching up to do, huh?

28
00:01:45,119 --> 00:01:49,839
Hope you don't get scared when I scream and have night terrors. It's quite all right. I've seen worse

29
00:01:52,479 --> 00:01:55,059
a human centipede of ghastly

30
00:01:56,159 --> 00:02:01,279
Your mother and I are very proud of you. Kevin. You're a war hero. I don't feel like a war hero

31
00:02:01,439 --> 00:02:06,959
Only a war hero would say that. Hey, so what about the female soldiers over there? Were they able to contribute?

32
00:02:07,119 --> 00:02:12,559
Yeah, you know they did their best what with their regular bleedings when they got shot. Did they even know look guys?

33
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:12,720
i'm

34
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,839
Not a hero, and I don't want to be treated any different than before

35
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,580
Just that you would say that means we should treat you different. Come on guys. Let's give them all our best food

36
00:02:22,319 --> 00:02:27,519
Okay, now you eat up and then we're all gonna go out back and play some thanksgiving touch football, excuse me

37
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,339
War hero thanksgiving touch football

38
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,699
Yeah usa I didn't even know there was a war

39
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,040
You