-I remember the other sketch
that a lot of people bring up is
when you and Rachel Dratch do "The Lovahs."
-Oh, "The Lovers," yes. -The lovers in the hot tub.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ Cheers ]
Professor Klarvin, I believe. Yes.
-It was a bizarre sketch. I think it started
with just me as -- I always go to a different hotel.
-Uh-huh. -And I would end up
in a hot tub, like, kind of enjoying, like,
"There's no one in the hot tub. This is fun."
And then two of the creepiest humans...
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-...came and got in the hot tub with me.
-With you and Drew Barrymore. -Oh, yeah.
-And I think --
I thought I was sitting next to you, but I'm not.
I'm sitting across from you. But I just remember trying
to get my foot in your crotch during the sketch.
[ Laughter ]
-Excuse me?
E-Excuse me. -What?
What? Y-Yes?
-We were wondering,
is this your first time at the Welshly Arms Hotel?
-Uh, yeah.
-Mm. And are you here without a lov-ah?
-Well, I am by myself.
I'm just staying here on business.
-Hmm. -We frequent the Welshly Arms.
-Yes.
-We find it a perfect quick lov-ah's getaway.
-Yes.
Oh, oh. Oh, forgive me.
We are professors Roger and Virginia Klarvin.
-And your name?
-Uh, Dave.
-Ah! -Ah!
-Hmm!
-Dave, may I share something with you?
-I guess. I'm really just trying to--
-I find when one first enters the scalding waters
of the hot tub,
it is not unlike your first encounter
with a new lov-ah.
-Mm!
I remember the first time Roger and I made love.
-Yes. -Yes.
We had pulled over after a long Sunday drive.
Roger led me to a clearing,
laid me down upon a bed of fresh meadow grasses.
He then rubbed my nubile body
with fruit liniments and Noxzema.
Then he artfully covered my back with melted butter and cloves.
And until the flies and ants came,
methinks it was the finest lovemaking
the world had ever known.
-Yes. -Hmm.
-Are you listening, Dave?
-Yeah. I'm just tired, that's all.
-Ah! -Ah!
-Is that the professors Virginia and Roger Klarvin?
-Oh, what a surprise! -Oh, what a surprise!
It's our dear friend Barbara Hernandez.
-Yes. -Hmm!
-Barbara, what brings you to the prestigious Welshly Arms?
-The usual -- quiet strolls, family-style dining, archery.
-Well, please, join us in the hot tub.
-Thank you, Roger. -Yes. It's very refreshing.
-It simply is divine. -Yes.
Barbara, dare I ask?
Are you no longer with your lov-ah, Mitchell?
-Well, as you know, Mitchell was
the most skillful and creative lov-ah.
-Oh, yes! -Oh, yes!
-However, his love for me was exceeded
by his love for sweet wine and dog racing.
So now I can turn my attention fully to my first love...
archery.
-Dave...Dave...Dave...
David. -[ Laughing ] Yes?
-David. -Right.
-Our dear friend,
Barbara Hernandez, is the top female archer
in the Northeast Division.
-That's unbelievable.
-Does anyone care for spiced lamb shanks?
-Come on. -Oh!
-What is -- what is that?
-Well, at this point during the soak,
my lov-ah and I usually crave spiced meats.
[ Laughing ] We always...
We always order them up special from the Welshly Arms kitchen
and keep them here in this Igloo cooler.
-The Welshly Arms is renowned for its shanks.
-Yeah, wonderful shanks. -I'm good, I'm good, actually.
-Alright. You're missing out on some good shanks.
-We should mention that although the waters above appear calm,
below the surface, there is a frenzy of activity.
Hands groping, fingers fluttering,
thighs twitching in the anticipation of lovemaking
that will take place in this hot tub in less than 12 minutes.
-I'm getting kind of pruney. I'm out.
-Wait, wait, wait. -Wait, Dave, Dave.
-Barbara, you are sans lov-ah.
Dave, you a weary business traveler.
Perhaps Cupid's aim is as sharp as that of Barbara Hernandez.
-Perhaps.
-I-I-I don't know. I think I'll just--
-David, don't be alarmed by the professors Klarvin.
I remember myself when I first met
Rog and Virg at the university.
We were taking a camping trip to the Grand Canyon.
-Yes.
-After a supper of jackrabbit haunches,
we laid out beneath the stars.
-Somewhere in the distance,
we heard the pounding of native drums.
Was it... [ Laughter ]
Was it in our minds?
We don't know.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That night, the great eagle spirit himself
appeared at our tent and beckoned us to make love.
We submitted to its ravenous desires
as the three of us became one with the great eagle spirit.
-Turns out the great eagle spirit
was actually a fugitive trucker by the name of Rich Crenshaw.
-Maybe I'm just, uh, road-weary, but, uh...
that's a pretty beautiful story.
-Lov-ah.
Would you care to see my bed adorned with hibiscus petals
and my photo of me and Geena Davis?
-Geena Davis? That sounds nice.
-Goodbye, Dave. -Bye, lov-ahs.
Oh! -Bye.
-You know...
-Nothing pleases me more than
seeing two new lovers take off in the night mist.
-Yes, lover, I think there's
only one reward for the job we've done.
-Let the screams of our lovemaking reverberate off
the roof of the Welshly Arms...
-Oh, lov-ah. -...and into the night sky.
-Oh, lov-ah.
-Ow! Ow, my back!
-What? -My -- my back.
-Is it your back? What?
I thought the water might help with your --
-Well, it doesn't help! Get the hell off me!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Right before I said my line... -Yeah, exactly.
-...you'd give me a little, like, squeeze on the kneecap...
-Yeah, yeah. -...or something like...
-Which was -- I'm just in character.
[ Laughter ] Buh, uh...
-But I mean, I always remember just crying.
-But it added to the hijinks. -Crying laughing, dude.
'Cause we didn't do it at dress. There was so many things
that, like -- I would just -- Gosh, I got in so much trouble.
I mean, Lorne didn't like it. -No.
-But I love --
-The writers didn't like it. -I love trying to get you there.