0:00:01.121,0:00:04.564
[Jeff] What I want you to do is I want you to look over there while I'm getting him out. Don't peek.

0:00:04.564,0:00:06.339
[Achmed] OK.[br][Jeff] Just look over there.

0:00:06.339,0:00:10.850
[Achmed] Hey, wait a minute, [br]when I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?

0:00:10.850,0:00:14.284
[Achmed] Now, that's actually a good way to do it,[br]you know.

0:00:14.284,0:00:17.247
[Achmed] Kind of old school, but effective.

0:00:17.247,0:00:21.786
[Achmed] It's like, "Hey, look at that! .... [throttled noise]

0:00:21.786,0:00:24.313
[Jeff] No, just look over there and don't look back until I say so.

0:00:24.313,0:00:27.516
[Achmed] OK, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, hu?

0:00:27.516,0:00:28.715
[Jeff] Yeah, just look over there[br][Achmed] OK

0:00:28.715,0:00:31.316
[Jeff] Don't peek.[br][Achmed] OK, right, I'm not going to peek, but it's still... now?

0:00:31.316,0:00:44.999
[Jeff] Nooo! [br][Achmed] OK! I didn't ....

0:00:44.999,0:00:47.944
[Achmed] Aow![br][Semi-skeleton => Achmed Junior => A.J.] Aow!

0:00:47.944,0:00:50.662
[Achmed] Who the hell is that?

0:00:50.662,0:00:52.668
[A.J.] Hello, Father!

0:00:52.668,0:01:11.920
[Jeff] It's your son, Achmed Junior!

0:01:11.920,0:01:15.302
[Achmed] A.J.?

0:01:15.302,0:01:16.980
[A.J.] That's right.

0:01:16.980,0:01:18.951
[Achmed] Wait, I thought you were dead!

0:01:18.951,0:01:21.382
[A.J.] Surprise!

0:01:21.382,0:01:22.198
[Jeff] This is great.

0:01:22.198,0:01:28.334
[Achmed] Hey, what happened to your face?[br]Oh, yeah. My bad.

0:01:28.334,0:01:30.439
[Jeff] Achmed, he's your son! Look at him, what do you see?

0:01:30.439,0:01:34.885
[Achmed] Well, he does have my eye [laughs].

0:01:34.885,0:01:37.445
[A.J.] Actually, I do, yes, I do.

0:01:37.445,0:01:40.696
[Achmed] Why do you sound like Elton John?

0:01:40.696,0:01:43.470
[Jeff] You were separated after the accident: he was raised in England.

0:01:43.470,0:01:45.687
[A.J.] Did my mum miss me?

0:01:45.687,0:01:49.854
[Achmed] Err, yeah, I don't know, what the hell mmmm

0:01:49.854,0:01:51.556
[Jeff] How do you not know?

0:01:51.556,0:01:52.768
[Achmed] Oops...

0:01:52.768,0:02:03.502
[A.J.] What's wrong with your leg?

0:02:03.502,0:02:07.347
[Achmed] NOTHING! ...What's wrong with my leg?

0:02:07.347,0:02:10.799
[Achmed] Can you fix this?[br][Jeff] I don't think so...

0:02:10.799,0:02:18.582
[Achmed] Damm it!

0:02:18.582,0:02:23.499
[A.J.] Don't look at me!

0:02:23.499,0:02:32.702
[Jeff] What if we get Marnel to help us? He works for us.[br][Achmed] Marneeeeel, come and fix my leg!

0:02:32.702,0:02:45.798
[A.J.] He's kinda cute.

0:02:45.798,0:02:50.281
[Achmed] Okay, moving oooon!

0:02:50.281,0:02:53.182
[Jeff] Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is?

0:02:53.182,0:02:55.394
[Achmed] I had 46 wives, you idiot!

0:02:55.394,0:02:58.815
[Achmed] They all dressed the same[br]and their faces were covered.

0:02:58.815,0:03:04.086
[Jeff] How did you tell them apart?[br][Achmed] The numbers on theirs backs!

0:03:04.086,0:03:11.515
[Jeff] That's terrible.[br][Achmed] I know. Mother's Day is a bitch. And so are most of the mothers.

0:03:11.515,0:03:13.464
[A.J.] That's not funny at all.

0:03:13.464,0:03:20.845
[Achmed] Atall? Who's Atall? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you.

0:03:20.845,0:03:22.299
[Jeff] Bulgy-eyed?[br][Achmed] Well, look at him!

0:03:22.299,0:03:26.486
[A.J.] Well, you are not exactly squinting.

0:03:26.486,0:03:30.751
[Achmed] At least my face is balanced. I do manage to look asleep and terrified, all at the same time.

0:03:30.751,0:03:33.218
[Jeff] Achmed, he is your son!

0:03:33.218,0:03:46.969
[Achmed] Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower.

0:03:46.969,0:03:48.735
[A.J.] You caused the accident.

0:03:48.735,0:03:52.132
[Achmed] Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction.

0:03:52.132,0:03:54.369
[A.J.] You didn't mean for it to happen![br][Achmed] I did to!

0:03:54.369,0:03:59.381
[A.J.] You did not![br][Achmed] I did... oh shit! Marneeeeel!

0:03:59.381,0:04:08.917
[Achmed] Son of a bitch![br][A.J.] Are you talking to me now?

0:04:08.917,0:04:12.931
[Achmed] Fix it right or I'll kick your ass!

0:04:12.931,0:04:18.596
[Achmed] Marnel, come back![br]My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole!

0:04:18.596,0:04:39.666
[A.J.] He can fix my pelvis anytime.[br][Achmed] Shut uuuup!

0:04:39.666,0:04:43.713
[Jeff] OK look... So the explosion that you were talking about... how did that happen?

0:04:43.713,0:04:46.353
[Achmed] Very precise and careful planning.[br][A.J.] Not exactly.

0:04:46.353,0:04:48.217
[Achmed] I said shut up![br][Jeff] What happened?

0:04:48.217,0:04:53.365
[Achmed] NOTHING![br][A.J.] He was putting gasoline in his scooter.

0:04:53.365,0:04:58.764
[Jeff] So why was there an explosion?[br][Achmed] Shit happens.

0:04:58.764,0:05:00.947
[A.J.] He was using his cellphone.[br][Jeff] Really?

0:05:00.947,0:05:01.970
[Achmed] What?

0:05:01.970,0:05:04.167
[Jeff] While putting gas in your scooter,[br]you know, that's dangerous.

0:05:04.167,0:05:05.999
[Achmed] Well it was your mother who called![br][A.J.] Really?

0:05:05.999,0:05:08.903
[Achmed] I don't know.

0:05:08.903,0:05:10.581
[Jeff] What was her name?[br][Achmed] Forty-two.

0:05:10.581,0:05:15.635
[Jeff] And you guys haven't had any contact since?[br][Achmed] Not much, he is a bad son.

0:05:15.635,0:05:18.050
[A.J] I am not![br][Achmed] Tell him what you sent me for my birthday!

0:05:18.050,0:05:20.302
[A.J.] It was a honest mistake.[br][Jeff] What you sent him?

0:05:20.302,0:05:25.507
[Achmed] He sent me a bottle of skin lotion.

0:05:25.507,0:05:27.652
[A.J.] He made it worse.[br][Jeff] What did you do?

0:05:27.652,0:05:34.586
[Achmed] I sent him back half a bottle, ja ja!

0:05:34.586,0:05:36.987
[Jeff] You know, maybe you should try to patch things up.

0:05:36.987,0:05:41.216
[Achmed] Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch.

0:05:41.216,0:05:45.898
[A.J.] But I'm here for a reason![br][Achmed] What? a skin graft, sorry? I'm all out!

0:05:45.898,0:05:51.659
[Achmed] Fuck, Marneeeeel![br]Come and fix my fucking leg!

0:05:51.659,0:05:56.269
[Achmed] Bring the duct tape, you asshole!

0:05:56.269,0:06:01.181
[Jeff] Actually he brought duct tape...

0:06:01.181,0:06:23.036
[A.J.] He's kinky too.[br][Achmed] Shut uup!

0:06:23.036,0:06:25.480
[Jeff] So, Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here?

0:06:25.480,0:06:31.228
[Achmed] Well, wait a minute... This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it?

0:06:31.228,0:06:36.313
[Achmed] Fat bitch, whichever one she was.[br][Jeff] No, that's not it.

0:06:36.313,0:06:38.536
[Achmed] This is that, because I've seen the crap that you're going through

0:06:38.536,0:06:42.017
[Achmed] and I don't know how you can afford even a T-shirt!

0:06:42.017,9:59:59.000
[Jeff] Yes, thank you.[br][Achmed] Okay, good luck with the Judge.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Achmed] I hope he's fair.[br][Jeff] Actually, the Judge is a woman.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[A.J] You're fucked

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Achmed] OK, listen you![br][Jeff] Achmed, you're getting hostile.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Achmed] Of course I'm getting hostile,[br]I'm a terrorist, you idiot!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Achmed] You piss me off, I kill you!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[A.J.] Would that really solve anything?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Achmed] Pretty much, yeah, I think it does.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Jeff] OK[br][Achmed] I have nothing in common with my own son.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Jeff] Well, just talk to him.[br][Achmed] How?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Jeff] I don't know, like you would to anybody.[br][Achmed] OK. WTF!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
OMG. I mean OMA.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Jeff] And you have no idea why he's here?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Achmed] To start his training as a terrorist.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[A.J.] No, Father, that's just it: I don't want to be a terrorist.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Achmed] Uh? But I want you to be just like me.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[A.J.] Well, I'm not, and I won't be.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Jeff] Achmed, can you accept that?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Achmed] I guess I can try.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Jeff] And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[A.J.] I kill you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[Achmed] That's my boy!