1 00:00:01,121 --> 00:00:04,564 [Jeff] What I want you to do is I want you to look over there while I'm getting him out. Don't peek. 2 00:00:04,564 --> 00:00:06,339 [Achmed] OK. [Jeff] Just look over there. 3 00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:10,850 [Achmed] Hey, wait a minute, when I'm not looking, are you going to kill me? 4 00:00:10,850 --> 00:00:14,284 [Achmed] Now, that's actually a good way to do it, you know. 5 00:00:14,284 --> 00:00:17,247 [Achmed] Kind of old school, but effective. 6 00:00:17,247 --> 00:00:21,786 [Achmed] It's like, "Hey, look at that! .... [throttled noise] 7 00:00:21,786 --> 00:00:24,313 [Jeff] No, just look over there and don't look back until I say so. 8 00:00:24,313 --> 00:00:27,516 [Achmed] OK, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, hu? 9 00:00:27,516 --> 00:00:28,715 [Jeff] Yeah, just look over there [Achmed] OK 10 00:00:28,715 --> 00:00:31,316 [Jeff] Don't peek. [Achmed] OK, right, I'm not going to peek, but it's still... now? 11 00:00:31,316 --> 00:00:44,999 [Jeff] Nooo! [Achmed] OK! I didn't .... 12 00:00:44,999 --> 00:00:47,944 [Achmed] Aow! [Semi-skeleton => Achmed Junior => A.J.] Aow! 13 00:00:47,944 --> 00:00:50,662 [Achmed] Who the hell is that? 14 00:00:50,662 --> 00:00:52,668 [A.J.] Hello, Father! 15 00:00:52,668 --> 00:01:11,920 [Jeff] It's your son, Achmed Junior! 16 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:15,302 [Achmed] A.J.? 17 00:01:15,302 --> 00:01:16,980 [A.J.] That's right. 18 00:01:16,980 --> 00:01:18,951 [Achmed] Wait, I thought you were dead! 19 00:01:18,951 --> 00:01:21,382 [A.J.] Surprise! 20 00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:22,198 [Jeff] This is great. 21 00:01:22,198 --> 00:01:28,334 [Achmed] Hey, what happened to your face? Oh, yeah. My bad. 22 00:01:28,334 --> 00:01:30,439 [Jeff] Achmed, he's your son! Look at him, what do you see? 23 00:01:30,439 --> 00:01:34,885 [Achmed] Well, he does have my eye [laughs]. 24 00:01:34,885 --> 00:01:37,445 [A.J.] Actually, I do, yes, I do. 25 00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:40,696 [Achmed] Why do you sound like Elton John? 26 00:01:40,696 --> 00:01:43,470 [Jeff] You were separated after the accident: he was raised in England. 27 00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:45,687 [A.J.] Did my mum miss me? 28 00:01:45,687 --> 00:01:49,854 [Achmed] Err, yeah, I don't know, what the hell mmmm 29 00:01:49,854 --> 00:01:51,556 [Jeff] How do you not know? 30 00:01:51,556 --> 00:01:52,768 [Achmed] Oops... 31 00:01:52,768 --> 00:02:03,502 [A.J.] What's wrong with your leg? 32 00:02:03,502 --> 00:02:07,347 [Achmed] NOTHING! ...What's wrong with my leg? 33 00:02:07,347 --> 00:02:10,799 [Achmed] Can you fix this? [Jeff] I don't think so... 34 00:02:10,799 --> 00:02:18,582 [Achmed] Damm it! 35 00:02:18,582 --> 00:02:23,499 [A.J.] Don't look at me! 36 00:02:23,499 --> 00:02:32,702 [Jeff] What if we get Marnel to help us? He works for us. [Achmed] Marneeeeel, come and fix my leg! 37 00:02:32,702 --> 00:02:45,798 [A.J.] He's kinda cute. 38 00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:50,281 [Achmed] Okay, moving oooon! 39 00:02:50,281 --> 00:02:53,182 [Jeff] Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is? 40 00:02:53,182 --> 00:02:55,394 [Achmed] I had 46 wives, you idiot! 41 00:02:55,394 --> 00:02:58,815 [Achmed] They all dressed the same and their faces were covered. 42 00:02:58,815 --> 00:03:04,086 [Jeff] How did you tell them apart? [Achmed] The numbers on theirs backs! 43 00:03:04,086 --> 00:03:11,515 [Jeff] That's terrible. [Achmed] I know. Mother's Day is a bitch. And so are most of the mothers. 44 00:03:11,515 --> 00:03:13,464 [A.J.] That's not funny at all. 45 00:03:13,464 --> 00:03:20,845 [Achmed] Atall? Who's Atall? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you. 46 00:03:20,845 --> 00:03:22,299 [Jeff] Bulgy-eyed? [Achmed] Well, look at him! 47 00:03:22,299 --> 00:03:26,486 [A.J.] Well, you are not exactly squinting. 48 00:03:26,486 --> 00:03:30,751 [Achmed] At least my face is balanced. I do manage to look asleep and terrified, all at the same time. 49 00:03:30,751 --> 00:03:33,218 [Jeff] Achmed, he is your son! 50 00:03:33,218 --> 00:03:46,969 [Achmed] Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower. 51 00:03:46,969 --> 00:03:48,735 [A.J.] You caused the accident. 52 00:03:48,735 --> 00:03:52,132 [Achmed] Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction. 53 00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:54,369 [A.J.] You didn't mean for it to happen! [Achmed] I did to! 54 00:03:54,369 --> 00:03:59,381 [A.J.] You did not! [Achmed] I did... oh shit! Marneeeeel! 55 00:03:59,381 --> 00:04:08,917 [Achmed] Son of a bitch! [A.J.] Are you talking to me now? 56 00:04:08,917 --> 00:04:12,931 [Achmed] Fix it right or I'll kick your ass! 57 00:04:12,931 --> 00:04:18,596 [Achmed] Marnel, come back! My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole! 58 00:04:18,596 --> 00:04:39,666 [A.J.] He can fix my pelvis anytime. [Achmed] Shut uuuup! 59 00:04:39,666 --> 00:04:43,713 [Jeff] OK look... So the explosion that you were talking about... how did that happen? 60 00:04:43,713 --> 00:04:46,353 [Achmed] Very precise and careful planning. [A.J.] Not exactly. 61 00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:48,217 [Achmed] I said shut up! [Jeff] What happened? 62 00:04:48,217 --> 00:04:53,365 [Achmed] NOTHING! [A.J.] He was putting gasoline in his scooter. 63 00:04:53,365 --> 00:04:58,764 [Jeff] So why was there an explosion? [Achmed] Shit happens. 64 00:04:58,764 --> 00:05:00,947 [A.J.] He was using his cellphone. [Jeff] Really? 65 00:05:00,947 --> 00:05:01,970 [Achmed] What? 66 00:05:01,970 --> 00:05:04,167 [Jeff] While putting gas in your scooter, you know, that's dangerous. 67 00:05:04,167 --> 00:05:05,999 [Achmed] Well it was your mother who called! [A.J.] Really? 68 00:05:05,999 --> 00:05:08,903 [Achmed] I don't know. 69 00:05:08,903 --> 00:05:10,581 [Jeff] What was her name? [Achmed] Forty-two. 70 00:05:10,581 --> 00:05:15,635 [Jeff] And you guys haven't had any contact since? [Achmed] Not much, he is a bad son. 71 00:05:15,635 --> 00:05:18,050 [A.J] I am not! [Achmed] Tell him what you sent me for my birthday! 72 00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:20,302 [A.J.] It was a honest mistake. [Jeff] What you sent him? 73 00:05:20,302 --> 00:05:25,507 [Achmed] He sent me a bottle of skin lotion. 74 00:05:25,507 --> 00:05:27,652 [A.J.] He made it worse. [Jeff] What did you do? 75 00:05:27,652 --> 00:05:34,586 [Achmed] I sent him back half a bottle, ja ja! 76 00:05:34,586 --> 00:05:36,987 [Jeff] You know, maybe you should try to patch things up. 77 00:05:36,987 --> 00:05:41,216 [Achmed] Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch. 78 00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:45,898 [A.J.] But I'm here for a reason! [Achmed] What? a skin graft, sorry? I'm all out! 79 00:05:45,898 --> 00:05:51,659 [Achmed] Fuck, Marneeeeel! Come and fix my fucking leg! 80 00:05:51,659 --> 00:05:56,269 [Achmed] Bring the duct tape, you asshole! 81 00:05:56,269 --> 00:06:01,181 [Jeff] Actually he brought duct tape... 82 00:06:01,181 --> 00:06:23,036 [A.J.] He's kinky too. [Achmed] Shut uup! 83 00:06:23,036 --> 00:06:25,480 [Jeff] So, Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here? 84 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:31,228 [Achmed] Well, wait a minute... This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it? 85 00:06:31,228 --> 00:06:36,313 [Achmed] Fat bitch, whichever one she was. [Jeff] No, that's not it. 86 00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:38,536 [Achmed] This is that, because I've seen the crap that you're going through 87 00:06:38,536 --> 00:06:42,017 [Achmed] and I don't know how you can afford even a T-shirt! 88 00:06:42,017 --> 99:59:59,999 [Jeff] Yes, thank you. [Achmed] Okay, good luck with the Judge. 89 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Achmed] I hope he's fair. [Jeff] Actually, the Judge is a woman. 90 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [A.J] You're fucked 91 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Achmed] OK, listen you! [Jeff] Achmed, you're getting hostile. 92 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Achmed] Of course I'm getting hostile, I'm a terrorist, you idiot! 93 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Achmed] You piss me off, I kill you! 94 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [A.J.] Would that really solve anything? 95 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Achmed] Pretty much, yeah, I think it does. 96 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Jeff] OK [Achmed] I have nothing in common with my own son. 97 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Jeff] Well, just talk to him. [Achmed] How? 98 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Jeff] I don't know, like you would to anybody. [Achmed] OK. WTF! 99 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 OMG. I mean OMA. 100 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Jeff] And you have no idea why he's here? 101 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Achmed] To start his training as a terrorist. 102 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [A.J.] No, Father, that's just it: I don't want to be a terrorist. 103 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Achmed] Uh? But I want you to be just like me. 104 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [A.J.] Well, I'm not, and I won't be. 105 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Jeff] Achmed, can you accept that? 106 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Achmed] I guess I can try. 107 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Jeff] And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it? 108 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [A.J.] I kill you. 109 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Achmed] That's my boy!