WEBVTT 00:00:01.121 --> 00:00:04.564 [Jeff] What I want you to do is I want you to look over there while I'm getting him out. Don't peek. 00:00:04.564 --> 00:00:06.339 [Achmed] OK. [Jeff] Just look over there. 00:00:06.339 --> 00:00:10.850 [Achmed] Hey, wait a minute, when I'm not looking, are you going to kill me? 00:00:10.850 --> 00:00:14.284 [Achmed] Now, that's actually a good way to do it, you know. 00:00:14.284 --> 00:00:17.247 [Achmed] Kind of old school, but effective. 00:00:17.247 --> 00:00:21.786 [Achmed] It's like, "Hey, look at that! .... [throttled noise] 00:00:21.786 --> 00:00:24.313 [Jeff] No, just look over there and don't look back until I say so. 00:00:24.313 --> 00:00:27.516 [Achmed] OK, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, hu? 00:00:27.516 --> 00:00:28.715 [Jeff] Yeah, just look over there [Achmed] OK 00:00:28.715 --> 00:00:31.316 [Jeff] Don't peek. [Achmed] OK, right, I'm not going to peek, but it's still... now? 00:00:31.316 --> 00:00:44.999 [Jeff] Nooo! [Achmed] OK! I didn't .... 00:00:44.999 --> 00:00:47.944 [Achmed] Aow! [Semi-skeleton => Achmed Junior => A.J.] Aow! 00:00:47.944 --> 00:00:50.662 [Achmed] Who the hell is that? 00:00:50.662 --> 00:00:52.668 [A.J.] Hello, Father! 00:00:52.668 --> 00:01:11.920 [Jeff] It's your son, Achmed Junior! 00:01:11.920 --> 00:01:15.302 [Achmed] A.J.? 00:01:15.302 --> 00:01:16.980 [A.J.] That's right. 00:01:16.980 --> 00:01:18.951 [Achmed] Wait, I thought you were dead! 00:01:18.951 --> 00:01:21.382 [A.J.] Surprise! 00:01:21.382 --> 00:01:22.198 [Jeff] This is great. 00:01:22.198 --> 00:01:28.334 [Achmed] Hey, what happened to your face? Oh, yeah. My bad. 00:01:28.334 --> 00:01:30.439 [Jeff] Achmed, he's your son! Look at him, what do you see? 00:01:30.439 --> 00:01:34.885 [Achmed] Well, he does have my eye [laughs]. 00:01:34.885 --> 00:01:37.445 [A.J.] Actually, I do, yes, I do. 00:01:37.445 --> 00:01:40.696 [Achmed] Why do you sound like Elton John? 00:01:40.696 --> 00:01:43.470 [Jeff] You were separated after the accident: he was raised in England. 00:01:43.470 --> 00:01:45.687 [A.J.] Did my mum miss me? 00:01:45.687 --> 00:01:49.854 [Achmed] Err, yeah, I don't know, what the hell mmmm 00:01:49.854 --> 00:01:51.556 [Jeff] How do you not know? 00:01:51.556 --> 00:01:52.768 [Achmed] Oops... 00:01:52.768 --> 00:02:03.502 [A.J.] What's wrong with your leg? 00:02:03.502 --> 00:02:07.347 [Achmed] NOTHING! ...What's wrong with my leg? 00:02:07.347 --> 00:02:10.799 [Achmed] Can you fix this? [Jeff] I don't think so... 00:02:10.799 --> 00:02:18.582 [Achmed] Damm it! 00:02:18.582 --> 00:02:23.499 [A.J.] Don't look at me! 00:02:23.499 --> 00:02:32.702 [Jeff] What if we get Marnel to help us? He works for us. [Achmed] Marneeeeel, come and fix my leg! 00:02:32.702 --> 00:02:45.798 [A.J.] He's kinda cute. 00:02:45.798 --> 00:02:50.281 [Achmed] Okay, moving oooon! 00:02:50.281 --> 00:02:53.182 [Jeff] Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is? 00:02:53.182 --> 00:02:55.394 [Achmed] I had 46 wives, you idiot! 00:02:55.394 --> 00:02:58.815 [Achmed] They all dressed the same and their faces were covered. 00:02:58.815 --> 00:03:04.086 [Jeff] How did you tell them apart? [Achmed] The numbers on theirs backs! 00:03:04.086 --> 00:03:11.515 [Jeff] That's terrible. [Achmed] I know. Mother's Day is a bitch. And so are most of the mothers. 00:03:11.515 --> 00:03:13.464 [A.J.] That's not funny at all. 00:03:13.464 --> 00:03:20.845 [Achmed] Atall? Who's Atall? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you. 00:03:20.845 --> 00:03:22.299 [Jeff] Bulgy-eyed? [Achmed] Well, look at him! 00:03:22.299 --> 00:03:26.486 [A.J.] Well, you are not exactly squinting. 00:03:26.486 --> 00:03:30.751 [Achmed] At least my face is balanced. I do manage to look asleep and terrified, all at the same time. 00:03:30.751 --> 00:03:33.218 [Jeff] Achmed, he is your son! 00:03:33.218 --> 00:03:46.969 [Achmed] Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower. 00:03:46.969 --> 00:03:48.735 [A.J.] You caused the accident. 00:03:48.735 --> 00:03:52.132 [Achmed] Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction. 00:03:52.132 --> 00:03:54.369 [A.J.] You didn't mean for it to happen! [Achmed] I did to! 00:03:54.369 --> 00:03:59.381 [A.J.] You did not! [Achmed] I did... oh shit! Marneeeeel! 00:03:59.381 --> 00:04:08.917 [Achmed] Son of a bitch! [A.J.] Are you talking to me now? 00:04:08.917 --> 00:04:12.931 [Achmed] Fix it right or I'll kick your ass! 00:04:12.931 --> 00:04:18.596 [Achmed] Marnel, come back! My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole! 00:04:18.596 --> 00:04:39.666 [A.J.] He can fix my pelvis anytime. [Achmed] Shut uuuup! 00:04:39.666 --> 00:04:43.713 [Jeff] OK look... So the explosion that you were talking about... how did that happen? 00:04:43.713 --> 00:04:46.353 [Achmed] Very precise and careful planning. [A.J.] Not exactly. 00:04:46.353 --> 00:04:48.217 [Achmed] I said shut up! [Jeff] What happened? 00:04:48.217 --> 00:04:53.365 [Achmed] NOTHING! [A.J.] He was putting gasoline in his scooter. 00:04:53.365 --> 00:04:58.764 [Jeff] So why was there an explosion? [Achmed] Shit happens. 00:04:58.764 --> 00:05:00.947 [A.J.] He was using his cellphone. [Jeff] Really? 00:05:00.947 --> 00:05:01.970 [Achmed] What? 00:05:01.970 --> 00:05:04.167 [Jeff] While putting gas in your scooter, you know, that's dangerous. 00:05:04.167 --> 00:05:05.999 [Achmed] Well it was your mother who called! [A.J.] Really? 00:05:05.999 --> 00:05:08.903 [Achmed] I don't know. 00:05:08.903 --> 00:05:10.581 [Jeff] What was her name? [Achmed] Forty-two. 00:05:10.581 --> 00:05:15.635 [Jeff] And you guys haven't had any contact since? [Achmed] Not much, he is a bad son. 00:05:15.635 --> 00:05:18.050 [A.J] I am not! [Achmed] Tell him what you sent me for my birthday! 00:05:18.050 --> 00:05:20.302 [A.J.] It was a honest mistake. [Jeff] What you sent him? 00:05:20.302 --> 00:05:25.507 [Achmed] He sent me a bottle of skin lotion. 00:05:25.507 --> 00:05:27.652 [A.J.] He made it worse. [Jeff] What did you do? 00:05:27.652 --> 00:05:34.586 [Achmed] I sent him back half a bottle, ja ja! 00:05:34.586 --> 00:05:36.987 [Jeff] You know, maybe you should try to patch things up. 00:05:36.987 --> 00:05:41.216 [Achmed] Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch. 00:05:41.216 --> 00:05:45.898 [A.J.] But I'm here for a reason! [Achmed] What? a skin graft, sorry? I'm all out! 00:05:45.898 --> 00:05:51.659 [Achmed] Fuck, Marneeeeel! Come and fix my fucking leg! 00:05:51.659 --> 00:05:56.269 [Achmed] Bring the duct tape, you asshole! 00:05:56.269 --> 00:06:01.181 [Jeff] Actually he brought duct tape... 00:06:01.181 --> 00:06:23.036 [A.J.] He's kinky too. [Achmed] Shut uup! 00:06:23.036 --> 00:06:25.480 [Jeff] So, Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here? 00:06:25.480 --> 00:06:31.228 [Achmed] Well, wait a minute... This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it? 00:06:31.228 --> 00:06:36.313 [Achmed] Fat bitch, whichever one she was. [Jeff] No, that's not it. 00:06:36.313 --> 00:06:38.536 [Achmed] This is that, because I've seen the crap that you're going through 00:06:38.536 --> 00:06:42.017 [Achmed] and I don't know how you can afford even a T-shirt! 00:06:42.017 --> 99:59:59.999 [Jeff] Yes, thank you. [Achmed] Okay, good luck with the Judge. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Achmed] I hope he's fair. [Jeff] Actually, the Judge is a woman. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [A.J] You're fucked 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Achmed] OK, listen you! [Jeff] Achmed, you're getting hostile. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Achmed] Of course I'm getting hostile, I'm a terrorist, you idiot! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Achmed] You piss me off, I kill you! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [A.J.] Would that really solve anything? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Achmed] Pretty much, yeah, I think it does. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Jeff] OK [Achmed] I have nothing in common with my own son. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Jeff] Well, just talk to him. [Achmed] How? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Jeff] I don't know, like you would to anybody. [Achmed] OK. WTF! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 OMG. I mean OMA. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Jeff] And you have no idea why he's here? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Achmed] To start his training as a terrorist. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [A.J.] No, Father, that's just it: I don't want to be a terrorist. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Achmed] Uh? But I want you to be just like me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [A.J.] Well, I'm not, and I won't be. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Jeff] Achmed, can you accept that? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Achmed] I guess I can try. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Jeff] And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [A.J.] I kill you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Achmed] That's my boy!