0:00:01.038,0:00:04.419
[Jeff] What I want you to do is I want you to look over there while I'm getting him out. Don't peek.

0:00:04.419,0:00:06.092
[Achmed] OK.[br][Jeff] Just look over there.

0:00:06.092,0:00:09.735
[Achmed] Hey, wait a minute, [br]when I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?

0:00:09.735,0:00:14.269
[Achmed] Now, that's actually a good way to do it,[br]you know.

0:00:14.269,0:00:17.134
[Achmed] Kind of old school, but effective.

0:00:17.134,0:00:21.684
[Achmed] It's like, "Hey, look at that! .... [throttled noise]

0:00:21.684,0:00:24.066
[Jeff] No, just look over there [br]and don't look back until I say so.

0:00:24.066,0:00:26.967
[Achmed] OK, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, hu?

0:00:26.967,0:00:28.775
[Jeff] Yeah, just look over there[br][Achmed] OK

0:00:28.775,0:00:31.272
[Jeff] Don't peek.[br][Achmed] OK, right, I'm not going to peek, but it's still... now?

0:00:31.272,0:00:44.372
[Jeff] Nooo! [br][Achmed] OK! I didn't ....

0:00:44.372,0:00:47.204
[Achmed] Aow![br][Semi-skeleton => Achmed Junior => A.J.] Aow!

0:00:47.204,0:00:50.703
[Achmed] Who the hell is that?

0:00:50.703,0:01:07.387
[A.J.] Hello, Father!

0:01:07.387,0:01:12.050
[Jeff] It's your son, Achmed Junior!

0:01:12.050,0:01:15.187
[Achmed] A.J.?

0:01:15.187,0:01:16.850
[A.J.] That's right.

0:01:16.850,0:01:18.724
[Achmed] Wait, I thought you were dead!

0:01:18.724,0:01:21.371
[A.J.] Surprise!

0:01:21.371,0:01:22.302
[Jeff] This is great.

0:01:22.302,0:01:27.983
[Achmed] Hey, what happened to your face?[br]Oh, yeah. My bad.

0:01:27.983,0:01:30.369
[Jeff] Achmed, he's your son! Look at him, what do you see?

0:01:30.369,0:01:35.173
[Achmed] Well, he does have my eye [laughs].

0:01:35.173,0:01:36.916
[A.J.] Actually, I do, yes, I do.

0:01:36.916,0:01:40.465
[Achmed] Why do you sound like Elton John?

0:01:40.465,0:01:43.290
[Jeff] You were separated after the accident: he was raised in England.

0:01:43.290,0:01:45.173
[A.J.] Did my mum miss me?

0:01:45.173,0:01:49.881
[Achmed] Err, yeah, I don't know, what the hell mmmm

0:01:49.881,0:01:51.169
[Jeff] How do you not know?

0:01:51.169,0:02:00.631
[Achmed] Oops...

0:02:00.631,0:02:03.519
[A.J.] What's wrong with your leg?

0:02:03.519,0:02:07.207
[Achmed] NOTHING! ...What's wrong with my leg?

0:02:07.207,0:02:11.032
[Achmed] Can you fix this?[br][Jeff] I don't think so...

0:02:11.032,0:02:17.124
[Achmed] Damm it!

0:02:17.124,0:02:23.251
[A.J.] Don't look at me!

0:02:23.251,0:02:26.138
[Jeff] What if we get Marnel to help us? He works for us.[br][Achmed] Marneeeeel, come and fix my leg!

0:02:26.138,0:02:46.837
[A.J.] He's kinda cute.

0:02:46.837,0:02:50.348
[Achmed] Okay, moving oooon!

0:02:50.348,0:02:52.874
[Jeff] Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is?

0:02:52.874,0:02:55.687
[Achmed] I had 46 wives, you idiot!

0:02:55.687,0:02:58.983
[Achmed] They all dressed the same[br]and their faces were covered.

0:02:58.983,0:03:04.403
[Jeff] How did you tell them apart?[br][Achmed] The numbers on theirs backs!

0:03:04.403,0:03:11.471
[Jeff] That's terrible.[br][Achmed] I know. Mother's Day is a bitch. And so are most of the mothers.

0:03:11.471,0:03:13.170
[A.J.] That's not funny at all.

0:03:13.170,0:03:20.568
[Achmed] Atall? Who's Atall? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you.

0:03:20.568,0:03:22.169
[Jeff] Bulgy-eyed?[br][Achmed] Well, look at him!

0:03:22.169,0:03:26.505
[A.J.] Well, you are not exactly squinting.

0:03:26.505,0:03:32.251
[Achmed] At least my face is balanced. I do manage to look asleep and terrified, all at the same time.

0:03:32.251,0:03:33.421
[Jeff] Achmed, he is your son!

0:03:33.421,0:03:46.885
[Achmed] Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower.

0:03:46.885,0:03:48.015
[A.J.] You caused the accident.

0:03:48.015,0:03:52.114
[Achmed] Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction.

0:03:52.114,0:03:54.352
[A.J.] You didn't mean for it to happen![br][Achmed] I did to!

0:03:54.352,0:04:00.621
[A.J.] You did not![br][Achmed] I did... oh shit! Marneeeeel!

0:04:00.621,0:04:08.883
[Achmed] Son of a bitch![br][A.J.] Are you talking to me now?

0:04:08.883,0:04:12.986
[Achmed] Fix it right or I'll kick your ass!

0:04:12.986,0:04:33.036
[Achmed] Marnel, come back![br]My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole!

0:04:33.036,0:04:39.700
[A.J.] He can fix my pelvis anytime.[br][Achmed] Shut uuuup!

0:04:39.700,0:04:44.752
[Jeff] OK look... So the explosion that you were talking about... how did that happen?

0:04:44.752,0:04:46.339
[Achmed] Very precise and careful planning.[br][A.J.] Not exactly.

0:04:46.339,0:04:48.172
[Achmed] I said shut up![br][Jeff] What happened?

0:04:48.172,0:04:53.405
[Achmed] NOTHING![br][A.J.] He was putting gasoline in his scooter.

0:04:53.405,0:04:58.951
[Jeff] So why was there an explosion?[br][Achmed] Shit happens.

0:04:58.951,0:05:00.771
[A.J.] He was using his cellphone.[br][Jeff] Really?

0:05:00.771,0:05:01.652
[Achmed] What?

0:05:01.652,0:05:03.980
[Jeff] While putting gas in your scooter,[br]you know, that's dangerous.

0:05:03.980,0:05:05.954
[Achmed] Well it was your mother who called![br][A.J.] Really?

0:05:05.954,0:05:08.803
[Achmed] I don't know.

0:05:08.803,0:05:10.549
[Jeff] What was her name?[br][Achmed] Forty-two.

0:05:10.549,0:05:15.238
[Jeff] And you guys haven't had any contact since?[br][Achmed] Not much, he is a bad son.

0:05:15.238,0:05:17.817
[A.J] I am not![br][Achmed] Tell him what you sent me for my birthday!

0:05:17.817,0:05:19.916
[A.J.] It was a honest mistake.[br][Jeff] What you sent him?

0:05:19.916,0:05:25.634
[Achmed] He sent me a bottle of skin lotion.

0:05:25.634,0:05:27.273
[A.J.] He made it worse.[br][Jeff] What did you do?

0:05:27.273,0:05:34.655
[Achmed] I sent him back half a bottle, ja ja!

0:05:34.655,0:05:37.025
[Jeff] You know, maybe you should try to patch things up.

0:05:37.025,0:05:41.133
[Achmed] Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch.

0:05:41.133,0:05:46.247
[A.J.] But I'm here for a reason![br][Achmed] What? a skin graft, sorry? I'm all out!

0:05:46.247,0:05:52.284
[Achmed] Fuck, Marneeeeel![br]Come and fix my fucking leg!

0:05:52.284,0:05:55.371
[Achmed] Bring the duct tape, you asshole!

0:05:55.371,0:06:14.637
[Jeff] Actually he brought duct tape...

0:06:14.637,0:06:23.337
[A.J.] He's kinky too.[br][Achmed] Shut uup!

0:06:23.337,0:06:25.621
[Jeff] So, Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here?

0:06:25.621,0:06:31.283
[Achmed] Well, wait a minute... This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it?

0:06:31.283,0:06:36.224
[Achmed] Fat bitch, whichever one she was.[br][Jeff] No, that's not it.

0:06:36.224,0:06:38.418
[Achmed] This is that, because I've seen the crap that you're going through

0:06:38.418,0:06:42.219
[Achmed] and I don't know how you can afford even a t-shirt.

0:06:42.219,0:06:51.835
[Jeff] Thank you.[br][Achmed] Did I say that as you wrote it?

0:06:51.835,0:06:59.131
[Jeff] Yes, thank you.[br][Achmed] Okay, good luck with the Judge.

0:06:59.131,0:07:03.150
[Achmed] I hope he's fair.[br][Jeff] Actually, the Judge is a woman.

0:07:03.150,0:07:09.105
[A.J] You're fucked

0:07:09.105,0:07:11.731
[Achmed] OK, listen you![br][Jeff] Achmed, you're getting hostile.

0:07:11.731,0:07:14.432
[Achmed] Of course I'm getting hostile,[br]I'm a terrorist, you idiot!

0:07:14.432,0:07:17.506
[Achmed] You piss me off, I kill you!

0:07:17.506,0:07:20.164
[A.J.] Would that really solve anything?

0:07:20.164,0:07:23.339
[Achmed] Pretty much, yeah, I think it does.

0:07:23.339,0:07:25.381
[Jeff] OK[br][Achmed] I have nothing in common with my own son.

0:07:25.381,0:07:26.957
[Jeff] Well, just talk to him.[br][Achmed] How?

0:07:26.957,0:07:31.503
[Jeff] I don't know, like you would to anybody.[br][Achmed] OK. WTF!

0:07:31.503,0:07:45.733
OMG. I mean OMA.

0:07:45.733,0:07:46.818
[Jeff] And you have no idea why he's here?

0:07:46.818,0:07:48.957
[Achmed] To start his training as a terrorist.

0:07:48.957,0:07:52.233
[A.J.] No, Father, that's just it: I don't want to be a terrorist.

0:07:52.233,0:07:54.370
[Achmed] Uh? But I want you to be just like me.

0:07:54.370,0:07:57.518
[A.J.] Well, I'm not, and I won't be.

0:07:57.518,0:07:59.253
[Jeff] Achmed, can you accept that?

0:07:59.253,0:08:01.537
[Achmed] I guess I can try.

0:08:01.537,0:08:03.486
[Jeff] And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it?

0:08:03.486,0:08:05.189
[A.J.] I kill you.

0:08:05.189,0:08:09.173
[Achmed] That's my boy!