1 00:00:01,038 --> 00:00:04,419 [Jeff] What I want you to do is I want you to look over there while I'm getting him out. Don't peek. 2 00:00:04,419 --> 00:00:06,092 [Achmed] OK. [Jeff] Just look over there. 3 00:00:06,092 --> 00:00:09,735 [Achmed] Hey, wait a minute, when I'm not looking, are you going to kill me? 4 00:00:09,735 --> 00:00:14,269 [Achmed] Now, that's actually a good way to do it, you know. 5 00:00:14,269 --> 00:00:17,134 [Achmed] Kind of old school, but effective. 6 00:00:17,134 --> 00:00:21,684 [Achmed] It's like, "Hey, look at that! .... [throttled noise] 7 00:00:21,684 --> 00:00:24,066 [Jeff] No, just look over there and don't look back until I say so. 8 00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:26,967 [Achmed] OK, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, hu? 9 00:00:26,967 --> 00:00:28,775 [Jeff] Yeah, just look over there [Achmed] OK 10 00:00:28,775 --> 00:00:31,272 [Jeff] Don't peek. [Achmed] OK, right, I'm not going to peek, but it's still... now? 11 00:00:31,272 --> 00:00:44,372 [Jeff] Nooo! [Achmed] OK! I didn't .... 12 00:00:44,372 --> 00:00:47,204 [Achmed] Aow! [Semi-skeleton => Achmed Junior => A.J.] Aow! 13 00:00:47,204 --> 00:00:50,703 [Achmed] Who the hell is that? 14 00:00:50,703 --> 00:01:07,387 [A.J.] Hello, Father! 15 00:01:07,387 --> 00:01:12,050 [Jeff] It's your son, Achmed Junior! 16 00:01:12,050 --> 00:01:15,187 [Achmed] A.J.? 17 00:01:15,187 --> 00:01:16,850 [A.J.] That's right. 18 00:01:16,850 --> 00:01:18,724 [Achmed] Wait, I thought you were dead! 19 00:01:18,724 --> 00:01:21,371 [A.J.] Surprise! 20 00:01:21,371 --> 00:01:22,302 [Jeff] This is great. 21 00:01:22,302 --> 00:01:27,983 [Achmed] Hey, what happened to your face? Oh, yeah. My bad. 22 00:01:27,983 --> 00:01:30,369 [Jeff] Achmed, he's your son! Look at him, what do you see? 23 00:01:30,369 --> 00:01:35,173 [Achmed] Well, he does have my eye [laughs]. 24 00:01:35,173 --> 00:01:36,916 [A.J.] Actually, I do, yes, I do. 25 00:01:36,916 --> 00:01:40,465 [Achmed] Why do you sound like Elton John? 26 00:01:40,465 --> 00:01:43,290 [Jeff] You were separated after the accident: he was raised in England. 27 00:01:43,290 --> 00:01:45,173 [A.J.] Did my mum miss me? 28 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:49,881 [Achmed] Err, yeah, I don't know, what the hell mmmm 29 00:01:49,881 --> 00:01:51,169 [Jeff] How do you not know? 30 00:01:51,169 --> 00:02:00,631 [Achmed] Oops... 31 00:02:00,631 --> 00:02:03,519 [A.J.] What's wrong with your leg? 32 00:02:03,519 --> 00:02:07,207 [Achmed] NOTHING! ...What's wrong with my leg? 33 00:02:07,207 --> 00:02:11,032 [Achmed] Can you fix this? [Jeff] I don't think so... 34 00:02:11,032 --> 00:02:17,124 [Achmed] Damm it! 35 00:02:17,124 --> 00:02:23,251 [A.J.] Don't look at me! 36 00:02:23,251 --> 00:02:26,138 [Jeff] What if we get Marnel to help us? He works for us. [Achmed] Marneeeeel, come and fix my leg! 37 00:02:26,138 --> 00:02:46,837 [A.J.] He's kinda cute. 38 00:02:46,837 --> 00:02:50,348 [Achmed] Okay, moving oooon! 39 00:02:50,348 --> 00:02:52,874 [Jeff] Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is? 40 00:02:52,874 --> 00:02:55,687 [Achmed] I had 46 wives, you idiot! 41 00:02:55,687 --> 00:02:58,983 [Achmed] They all dressed the same and their faces were covered. 42 00:02:58,983 --> 00:03:04,403 [Jeff] How did you tell them apart? [Achmed] The numbers on theirs backs! 43 00:03:04,403 --> 00:03:11,471 [Jeff] That's terrible. [Achmed] I know. Mother's Day is a bitch. And so are most of the mothers. 44 00:03:11,471 --> 00:03:13,170 [A.J.] That's not funny at all. 45 00:03:13,170 --> 00:03:20,568 [Achmed] Atall? Who's Atall? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you. 46 00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:22,169 [Jeff] Bulgy-eyed? [Achmed] Well, look at him! 47 00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:26,505 [A.J.] Well, you are not exactly squinting. 48 00:03:26,505 --> 00:03:32,251 [Achmed] At least my face is balanced. I do manage to look asleep and terrified, all at the same time. 49 00:03:32,251 --> 00:03:33,421 [Jeff] Achmed, he is your son! 50 00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:46,885 [Achmed] Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower. 51 00:03:46,885 --> 00:03:48,015 [A.J.] You caused the accident. 52 00:03:48,015 --> 00:03:52,114 [Achmed] Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction. 53 00:03:52,114 --> 00:03:54,352 [A.J.] You didn't mean for it to happen! [Achmed] I did to! 54 00:03:54,352 --> 00:04:00,621 [A.J.] You did not! [Achmed] I did... oh shit! Marneeeeel! 55 00:04:00,621 --> 00:04:08,883 [Achmed] Son of a bitch! [A.J.] Are you talking to me now? 56 00:04:08,883 --> 00:04:12,986 [Achmed] Fix it right or I'll kick your ass! 57 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:33,036 [Achmed] Marnel, come back! My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole! 58 00:04:33,036 --> 00:04:39,700 [A.J.] He can fix my pelvis anytime. [Achmed] Shut uuuup! 59 00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:44,752 [Jeff] OK look... So the explosion that you were talking about... how did that happen? 60 00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:46,339 [Achmed] Very precise and careful planning. [A.J.] Not exactly. 61 00:04:46,339 --> 00:04:48,172 [Achmed] I said shut up! [Jeff] What happened? 62 00:04:48,172 --> 00:04:53,405 [Achmed] NOTHING! [A.J.] He was putting gasoline in his scooter. 63 00:04:53,405 --> 00:04:58,951 [Jeff] So why was there an explosion? [Achmed] Shit happens. 64 00:04:58,951 --> 00:05:00,771 [A.J.] He was using his cellphone. [Jeff] Really? 65 00:05:00,771 --> 00:05:01,652 [Achmed] What? 66 00:05:01,652 --> 00:05:03,980 [Jeff] While putting gas in your scooter, you know, that's dangerous. 67 00:05:03,980 --> 00:05:05,954 [Achmed] Well it was your mother who called! [A.J.] Really? 68 00:05:05,954 --> 00:05:08,803 [Achmed] I don't know. 69 00:05:08,803 --> 00:05:10,549 [Jeff] What was her name? [Achmed] Forty-two. 70 00:05:10,549 --> 00:05:15,238 [Jeff] And you guys haven't had any contact since? [Achmed] Not much, he is a bad son. 71 00:05:15,238 --> 00:05:17,817 [A.J] I am not! [Achmed] Tell him what you sent me for my birthday! 72 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:19,916 [A.J.] It was a honest mistake. [Jeff] What you sent him? 73 00:05:19,916 --> 00:05:25,634 [Achmed] He sent me a bottle of skin lotion. 74 00:05:25,634 --> 00:05:27,273 [A.J.] He made it worse. [Jeff] What did you do? 75 00:05:27,273 --> 00:05:34,655 [Achmed] I sent him back half a bottle, ja ja! 76 00:05:34,655 --> 00:05:37,025 [Jeff] You know, maybe you should try to patch things up. 77 00:05:37,025 --> 00:05:41,133 [Achmed] Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch. 78 00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:46,247 [A.J.] But I'm here for a reason! [Achmed] What? a skin graft, sorry? I'm all out! 79 00:05:46,247 --> 00:05:52,284 [Achmed] Fuck, Marneeeeel! Come and fix my fucking leg! 80 00:05:52,284 --> 00:05:55,371 [Achmed] Bring the duct tape, you asshole! 81 00:05:55,371 --> 00:06:14,637 [Jeff] Actually he brought duct tape... 82 00:06:14,637 --> 00:06:23,337 [A.J.] He's kinky too. [Achmed] Shut uup! 83 00:06:23,337 --> 00:06:25,621 [Jeff] So, Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here? 84 00:06:25,621 --> 00:06:31,283 [Achmed] Well, wait a minute... This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it? 85 00:06:31,283 --> 00:06:36,224 [Achmed] Fat bitch, whichever one she was. [Jeff] No, that's not it. 86 00:06:36,224 --> 00:06:38,418 [Achmed] This is that, because I've seen the crap that you're going through 87 00:06:38,418 --> 00:06:42,219 [Achmed] and I don't know how you can afford even a t-shirt. 88 00:06:42,219 --> 00:06:51,835 [Jeff] Thank you. [Achmed] Did I say that as you wrote it? 89 00:06:51,835 --> 00:06:59,131 [Jeff] Yes, thank you. [Achmed] Okay, good luck with the Judge. 90 00:06:59,131 --> 00:07:03,150 [Achmed] I hope he's fair. [Jeff] Actually, the Judge is a woman. 91 00:07:03,150 --> 00:07:09,105 [A.J] You're fucked 92 00:07:09,105 --> 00:07:11,731 [Achmed] OK, listen you! [Jeff] Achmed, you're getting hostile. 93 00:07:11,731 --> 00:07:14,432 [Achmed] Of course I'm getting hostile, I'm a terrorist, you idiot! 94 00:07:14,432 --> 00:07:17,506 [Achmed] You piss me off, I kill you! 95 00:07:17,506 --> 00:07:20,164 [A.J.] Would that really solve anything? 96 00:07:20,164 --> 00:07:23,339 [Achmed] Pretty much, yeah, I think it does. 97 00:07:23,339 --> 00:07:25,381 [Jeff] OK [Achmed] I have nothing in common with my own son. 98 00:07:25,381 --> 00:07:26,957 [Jeff] Well, just talk to him. [Achmed] How? 99 00:07:26,957 --> 00:07:31,503 [Jeff] I don't know, like you would to anybody. [Achmed] OK. WTF! 100 00:07:31,503 --> 00:07:45,733 OMG. I mean OMA. 101 00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:46,818 [Jeff] And you have no idea why he's here? 102 00:07:46,818 --> 00:07:48,957 [Achmed] To start his training as a terrorist. 103 00:07:48,957 --> 00:07:52,233 [A.J.] No, Father, that's just it: I don't want to be a terrorist. 104 00:07:52,233 --> 00:07:54,370 [Achmed] Uh? But I want you to be just like me. 105 00:07:54,370 --> 00:07:57,518 [A.J.] Well, I'm not, and I won't be. 106 00:07:57,518 --> 00:07:59,253 [Jeff] Achmed, can you accept that? 107 00:07:59,253 --> 00:08:01,537 [Achmed] I guess I can try. 108 00:08:01,537 --> 00:08:03,486 [Jeff] And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it? 109 00:08:03,486 --> 00:08:05,189 [A.J.] I kill you. 110 00:08:05,189 --> 00:08:09,173 [Achmed] That's my boy!