WEBVTT 00:00:01.038 --> 00:00:04.419 [Jeff] What I want you to do is I want you to look over there while I'm getting him out. Don't peek. 00:00:04.419 --> 00:00:06.092 [Achmed] OK. [Jeff] Just look over there. 00:00:06.092 --> 00:00:09.735 [Achmed] Hey, wait a minute, when I'm not looking, are you going to kill me? 00:00:09.735 --> 00:00:14.269 [Achmed] Now, that's actually a good way to do it, you know. 00:00:14.269 --> 00:00:17.134 [Achmed] Kind of old school, but effective. 00:00:17.134 --> 00:00:21.684 [Achmed] It's like, "Hey, look at that! .... [throttled noise] 00:00:21.684 --> 00:00:24.066 [Jeff] No, just look over there and don't look back until I say so. 00:00:24.066 --> 00:00:26.967 [Achmed] OK, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, hu? 00:00:26.967 --> 00:00:28.775 [Jeff] Yeah, just look over there [Achmed] OK 00:00:28.775 --> 00:00:31.272 [Jeff] Don't peek. [Achmed] OK, right, I'm not going to peek, but it's still... now? 00:00:31.272 --> 00:00:44.372 [Jeff] Nooo! [Achmed] OK! I didn't .... 00:00:44.372 --> 00:00:47.204 [Achmed] Aow! [Semi-skeleton => Achmed Junior => A.J.] Aow! 00:00:47.204 --> 00:00:50.703 [Achmed] Who the hell is that? 00:00:50.703 --> 00:01:07.387 [A.J.] Hello, Father! 00:01:07.387 --> 00:01:12.050 [Jeff] It's your son, Achmed Junior! 00:01:12.050 --> 00:01:15.187 [Achmed] A.J.? 00:01:15.187 --> 00:01:16.850 [A.J.] That's right. 00:01:16.850 --> 00:01:18.724 [Achmed] Wait, I thought you were dead! 00:01:18.724 --> 00:01:21.371 [A.J.] Surprise! 00:01:21.371 --> 00:01:22.302 [Jeff] This is great. 00:01:22.302 --> 00:01:27.983 [Achmed] Hey, what happened to your face? Oh, yeah. My bad. 00:01:27.983 --> 00:01:30.369 [Jeff] Achmed, he's your son! Look at him, what do you see? 00:01:30.369 --> 00:01:35.173 [Achmed] Well, he does have my eye [laughs]. 00:01:35.173 --> 00:01:36.916 [A.J.] Actually, I do, yes, I do. 00:01:36.916 --> 00:01:40.465 [Achmed] Why do you sound like Elton John? 00:01:40.465 --> 00:01:43.290 [Jeff] You were separated after the accident: he was raised in England. 00:01:43.290 --> 00:01:45.173 [A.J.] Did my mum miss me? 00:01:45.173 --> 00:01:49.881 [Achmed] Err, yeah, I don't know, what the hell mmmm 00:01:49.881 --> 00:01:51.169 [Jeff] How do you not know? 00:01:51.169 --> 00:02:00.631 [Achmed] Oops... 00:02:00.631 --> 00:02:03.519 [A.J.] What's wrong with your leg? 00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:07.207 [Achmed] NOTHING! ...What's wrong with my leg? 00:02:07.207 --> 00:02:11.032 [Achmed] Can you fix this? [Jeff] I don't think so... 00:02:11.032 --> 00:02:17.124 [Achmed] Damm it! 00:02:17.124 --> 00:02:23.251 [A.J.] Don't look at me! 00:02:23.251 --> 00:02:26.138 [Jeff] What if we get Marnel to help us? He works for us. [Achmed] Marneeeeel, come and fix my leg! 00:02:26.138 --> 00:02:46.837 [A.J.] He's kinda cute. 00:02:46.837 --> 00:02:50.348 [Achmed] Okay, moving oooon! 00:02:50.348 --> 00:02:52.874 [Jeff] Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is? 00:02:52.874 --> 00:02:55.687 [Achmed] I had 46 wives, you idiot! 00:02:55.687 --> 00:02:58.983 [Achmed] They all dressed the same and their faces were covered. 00:02:58.983 --> 00:03:04.403 [Jeff] How did you tell them apart? [Achmed] The numbers on theirs backs! 00:03:04.403 --> 00:03:11.471 [Jeff] That's terrible. [Achmed] I know. Mother's Day is a bitch. And so are most of the mothers. 00:03:11.471 --> 00:03:13.170 [A.J.] That's not funny at all. 00:03:13.170 --> 00:03:20.568 [Achmed] Atall? Who's Atall? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you. 00:03:20.568 --> 00:03:22.169 [Jeff] Bulgy-eyed? [Achmed] Well, look at him! 00:03:22.169 --> 00:03:26.505 [A.J.] Well, you are not exactly squinting. 00:03:26.505 --> 00:03:32.251 [Achmed] At least my face is balanced. I do manage to look asleep and terrified, all at the same time. 00:03:32.251 --> 00:03:33.421 [Jeff] Achmed, he is your son! 00:03:33.421 --> 00:03:46.885 [Achmed] Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower. 00:03:46.885 --> 00:03:48.015 [A.J.] You caused the accident. 00:03:48.015 --> 00:03:52.114 [Achmed] Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction. 00:03:52.114 --> 00:03:54.352 [A.J.] You didn't mean for it to happen! [Achmed] I did to! 00:03:54.352 --> 00:04:00.621 [A.J.] You did not! [Achmed] I did... oh shit! Marneeeeel! 00:04:00.621 --> 00:04:08.883 [Achmed] Son of a bitch! [A.J.] Are you talking to me now? 00:04:08.883 --> 00:04:12.986 [Achmed] Fix it right or I'll kick your ass! 00:04:12.986 --> 00:04:33.036 [Achmed] Marnel, come back! My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole! 00:04:33.036 --> 00:04:39.700 [A.J.] He can fix my pelvis anytime. [Achmed] Shut uuuup! 00:04:39.700 --> 00:04:44.752 [Jeff] OK look... So the explosion that you were talking about... how did that happen? 00:04:44.752 --> 00:04:46.339 [Achmed] Very precise and careful planning. [A.J.] Not exactly. 00:04:46.339 --> 00:04:48.172 [Achmed] I said shut up! [Jeff] What happened? 00:04:48.172 --> 00:04:53.405 [Achmed] NOTHING! [A.J.] He was putting gasoline in his scooter. 00:04:53.405 --> 00:04:58.951 [Jeff] So why was there an explosion? [Achmed] Shit happens. 00:04:58.951 --> 00:05:00.771 [A.J.] He was using his cellphone. [Jeff] Really? 00:05:00.771 --> 00:05:01.652 [Achmed] What? 00:05:01.652 --> 00:05:03.980 [Jeff] While putting gas in your scooter, you know, that's dangerous. 00:05:03.980 --> 00:05:05.954 [Achmed] Well it was your mother who called! [A.J.] Really? 00:05:05.954 --> 00:05:08.803 [Achmed] I don't know. 00:05:08.803 --> 00:05:10.549 [Jeff] What was her name? [Achmed] Forty-two. 00:05:10.549 --> 00:05:15.238 [Jeff] And you guys haven't had any contact since? [Achmed] Not much, he is a bad son. 00:05:15.238 --> 00:05:17.817 [A.J] I am not! [Achmed] Tell him what you sent me for my birthday! 00:05:17.817 --> 00:05:19.916 [A.J.] It was a honest mistake. [Jeff] What you sent him? 00:05:19.916 --> 00:05:25.634 [Achmed] He sent me a bottle of skin lotion. 00:05:25.634 --> 00:05:27.273 [A.J.] He made it worse. [Jeff] What did you do? 00:05:27.273 --> 00:05:34.655 [Achmed] I sent him back half a bottle, ja ja! 00:05:34.655 --> 00:05:37.025 [Jeff] You know, maybe you should try to patch things up. 00:05:37.025 --> 00:05:41.133 [Achmed] Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch. 00:05:41.133 --> 00:05:46.247 [A.J.] But I'm here for a reason! [Achmed] What? a skin graft, sorry? I'm all out! 00:05:46.247 --> 00:05:52.284 [Achmed] Fuck, Marneeeeel! Come and fix my fucking leg! 00:05:52.284 --> 00:05:55.371 [Achmed] Bring the duct tape, you asshole! 00:05:55.371 --> 00:06:14.637 [Jeff] Actually he brought duct tape... 00:06:14.637 --> 00:06:23.337 [A.J.] He's kinky too. [Achmed] Shut uup! 00:06:23.337 --> 00:06:25.621 [Jeff] So, Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here? 00:06:25.621 --> 00:06:31.283 [Achmed] Well, wait a minute... This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it? 00:06:31.283 --> 00:06:36.224 [Achmed] Fat bitch, whichever one she was. [Jeff] No, that's not it. 00:06:36.224 --> 00:06:38.418 [Achmed] This is that, because I've seen the crap that you're going through 00:06:38.418 --> 00:06:42.219 [Achmed] and I don't know how you can afford even a t-shirt. 00:06:42.219 --> 00:06:51.835 [Jeff] Thank you. [Achmed] Did I say that as you wrote it? 00:06:51.835 --> 00:06:59.131 [Jeff] Yes, thank you. [Achmed] Okay, good luck with the Judge. 00:06:59.131 --> 00:07:03.150 [Achmed] I hope he's fair. [Jeff] Actually, the Judge is a woman. 00:07:03.150 --> 00:07:09.105 [A.J] You're fucked 00:07:09.105 --> 00:07:11.731 [Achmed] OK, listen you! [Jeff] Achmed, you're getting hostile. 00:07:11.731 --> 00:07:14.432 [Achmed] Of course I'm getting hostile, I'm a terrorist, you idiot! 00:07:14.432 --> 00:07:17.506 [Achmed] You piss me off, I kill you! 00:07:17.506 --> 00:07:20.164 [A.J.] Would that really solve anything? 00:07:20.164 --> 00:07:23.339 [Achmed] Pretty much, yeah, I think it does. 00:07:23.339 --> 00:07:25.381 [Jeff] OK [Achmed] I have nothing in common with my own son. 00:07:25.381 --> 00:07:26.957 [Jeff] Well, just talk to him. [Achmed] How? 00:07:26.957 --> 00:07:31.503 [Jeff] I don't know, like you would to anybody. [Achmed] OK. WTF! 00:07:31.503 --> 00:07:45.733 OMG. I mean OMA. 00:07:45.733 --> 00:07:46.818 [Jeff] And you have no idea why he's here? 00:07:46.818 --> 00:07:48.957 [Achmed] To start his training as a terrorist. 00:07:48.957 --> 00:07:52.233 [A.J.] No, Father, that's just it: I don't want to be a terrorist. 00:07:52.233 --> 00:07:54.370 [Achmed] Uh? But I want you to be just like me. 00:07:54.370 --> 00:07:57.518 [A.J.] Well, I'm not, and I won't be. 00:07:57.518 --> 00:07:59.253 [Jeff] Achmed, can you accept that? 00:07:59.253 --> 00:08:01.537 [Achmed] I guess I can try. 00:08:01.537 --> 00:08:03.486 [Jeff] And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it? 00:08:03.486 --> 00:08:05.189 [A.J.] I kill you. 00:08:05.189 --> 00:08:09.173 [Achmed] That's my boy!