[Jeff] What I want you to do is I want you to look over there while I'm getting him out. Don't peek.
[Achmed] OK. [Jeff] Just look over there.
[Achmed] Hey, wait a minute, when I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?
[Achmed] Now, that's actually a good way to do it, you know.
[Achmed] Kind of old school, but effective.
[Achmed] It's like, "Hey, look at that! .... [throttled noise]
[Jeff] No, just look over there and don't look back until I say so.
[Achmed] OK, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, hu?
[Jeff] Yeah, just look over there [Achmed] OK
[Jeff] Don't peek. [Achmed] OK, right, I'm not going to peek, but it's still... now?
[Jeff] Nooo! [Achmed] OK! I didn't ....
[Achmed] Aow! [Semi-skeleton => Achmed Junior => A.J.] Aow!
[Achmed] Who the hell is that?
[A.J.] Hello, Father!
[Jeff] It's your son, Achmed Junior!
[Achmed] A.J.?
[A.J.] That's right.
[Achmed] Wait, I thought you were dead!
[A.J.] Surprise!
[Jeff] This is great.
[Achmed] Hey, what happened to your face? Oh, yeah. My bad.
[Jeff] Achmed, he's your son! Look at him, what do you see?
[Achmed] Well, he does have my eye [laughs].
[A.J.] Actually, I do, yes, I do.
[Achmed] Why do you sound like Elton John?
[Jeff] You were separated after the accident: he was raised in England.
[A.J.] Did my mum miss me?
[Achmed] Err, yeah, I don't know, what the hell mmmm
[Jeff] How do you not know?
[Achmed] Oops...
[A.J.] What's wrong with your leg?
[Achmed] NOTHING! ...What's wrong with my leg?
[Achmed] Can you fix this? [Jeff] I don't think so...
[Achmed] Damm it!
[A.J.] Don't look at me!
[Jeff] What if we get Marnel to help us? He works for us. [Achmed] Marneeeeel, come and fix my leg!
[A.J.] He's kinda cute.
[Achmed] Okay, moving oooon!
[Jeff] Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is?
[Achmed] I had 46 wives, you idiot!
[Achmed] They all dressed the same and their faces were covered.
[Jeff] How did you tell them apart? [Achmed] The numbers on theirs backs!
[Jeff] That's terrible. [Achmed] I know. Mother's Day is a bitch. And so are most of the mothers.
[A.J.] That's not funny at all.
[Achmed] Atall? Who's Atall? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you.
[Jeff] Bulgy-eyed? [Achmed] Well, look at him!
[A.J.] Well, you are not exactly squinting.
[Achmed] At least my face is balanced. I do manage to look asleep and terrified, all at the same time.
[Jeff] Achmed, he is your son!
[Achmed] Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower.
[A.J.] You caused the accident.
[Achmed] Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction.
[A.J.] You didn't mean for it to happen! [Achmed] I did to!
[A.J.] You did not! [Achmed] I did... oh shit! Marneeeeel!
[Achmed] Son of a bitch! [A.J.] Are you talking to me now?
[Achmed] Fix it right or I'll kick your ass!
[Achmed] Marnel, come back! My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole!
[A.J.] He can fix my pelvis anytime. [Achmed] Shut uuuup!
[Jeff] OK look... So the explosion that you were talking about... how did that happen?
[Achmed] Very precise and careful planning. [A.J.] Not exactly.
[Achmed] I said shut up! [Jeff] What happened?
[Achmed] NOTHING! [A.J.] He was putting gasoline in his scooter.
[Jeff] So why was there an explosion? [Achmed] Shit happens.
[A.J.] He was using his cellphone. [Jeff] Really?
[Achmed] What?
[Jeff] While putting gas in your scooter, you know, that's dangerous.
[Achmed] Well it was your mother who called! [A.J.] Really?
[Achmed] I don't know.
[Jeff] What was her name? [Achmed] Forty-two.
[Jeff] And you guys haven't had any contact since? [Achmed] Not much, he is a bad son.
[A.J] I am not! [Achmed] Tell him what you sent me for my birthday!
[A.J.] It was a honest mistake. [Jeff] What you sent him?
[Achmed] He sent me a bottle of skin lotion.
[A.J.] He made it worse. [Jeff] What did you do?
[Achmed] I sent him back half a bottle, ja ja!
[Jeff] You know, maybe you should try to patch things up.
[Achmed] Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch.
[A.J.] But I'm here for a reason! [Achmed] What? a skin graft, sorry? I'm all out!
[Achmed] Fuck, Marneeeeel! Come and fix my fucking leg!
[Achmed] Bring the duct tape, you asshole!
[Jeff] Actually he brought duct tape...
[A.J.] He's kinky too. [Achmed] Shut uup!
[Jeff] So, Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here?
[Achmed] Well, wait a minute... This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it?
[Achmed] That bitch, whichever one she was. [Jeff] No, that's not it.
[Achmed] This is that, because I've seen the crap that you're going through
[Jeff] Thank you. [Achmed] Did I say that as you wrote it?
[Jeff] Yes, thank you. [Achmed] Okay, good luck with the Judge.
[Achmed] I hope he's fair. [Jeff] Actually, the Judge is a woman.
[Achmed] and I don't know how you can afford even a t-shirt.
[A.J] You're fucked
[Achmed] OK, listen you! [Jeff] Achmed, you're getting hostile.
[Achmed] Of course I'm getting hostile, I'm a terrorist, you idiot!
[Achmed] You piss me off, I kill you!
[A.J.] Would that really solve anything?
[Achmed] Pretty much, yeah, I think it does.
[Jeff] OK [Achmed] I have nothing in common with my own son.
[Jeff] Well, just talk to him. [Achmed] How?
[Jeff] I don't know, like you would to anybody. [Achmed] OK. WTF!
OMG. I mean OMA.
[Jeff] And you have no idea why he's here?
[Achmed] To start his training as a terrorist.
[A.J.] No, Father, that's just it: I don't want to be a terrorist.
[Achmed] Uh? But I want you to be just like me.
[A.J.] Well, I'm not, and I won't be.
[Jeff] Achmed, can you accept that?
[Achmed] I guess I can try.
[Jeff] And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it?
[A.J.] I kill you.
[Achmed] That's my boy!