WEBVTT

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[Jeff Dunham] What I want you to do is I want you to look over there

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while I'm getting him out so you don't peek.
[Skeleton dummy] OK

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[Dunham] Just look over there.

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[Skeleton] Hey, wait a minute, when I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?

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[canned laughter, also interspersing the rest of the show]
Now, that's actually a good way to do it, you know.

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Kind of old school, but effective.

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It's like, "Hey, look at that!" [throttled noise]

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[Dunham] No, just look over there and don't look back until I say so.

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[Skeleton] OK, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, uh?

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[Dunham] Yeah, just look over there
[Skeleton] OK

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[Dunham] Don't peek.
[Skeleton] OK, right, I'm not going to peek, but it's still... now?

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[Dunham] Nooo! 
[Skeleton] OK! I didn't ....

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[Skeleton] Aow!
[Semi-skeleton] Aow!

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[Skeleton] Who the hell is that?

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[Semi-skeleton] Hello, Father!

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[Dunham] It's your son, Ahmed Junior!

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[Skeleton] A.J.?

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[Semi-skeleton] That's right.

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[Skeleton] Wait, I thought you were dead!

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[Semi-skeleton] Surprise!

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[Dunham] This is great.

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[Skeleton] Hey, what happened to your face?
Oh, yeah. My bad.

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[Dunham] Achmed, he's your son! Look at him, what do you see?

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[Skeleton] Well, he does have my eye [laughs].

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[Semi-skeleton] Actually, I do, yes, I do.

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[Skeleton] Why do you sound like Elton John?

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[Dunham] You were separated after the accident: he was raised in England.

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[Semi-skeleton] Did my mum miss me?

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[Skeleton] Err, yeah, I don't know, what the hell mmmm

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[Dunham] How do you not know?

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[Skeleton] Oops...

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[A.J.] What's wrong with your leg?

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[Achmed] NOTHING! ...What's wrong with my leg?

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[Achmed] Can you fix this?
[Jeff] I don't think so...

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[Achmed] Damm it!

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[A.J.] Don't look at me!

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[Jeff] What if we get Marnel to help us? He works fine.
[Achmed] Marneeeeel, come and fix my leg!

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[A.J.] He's kinda cute.

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[Achmed] Okay, moving oooon!

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[Jeff] Wait a moment, how do you not know who his mother is?

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[Achmed] I had 46 wives, you idiot!

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[Achmed] They all dressed the same
and the faces were covered.

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[Jeff] So how can you tell them apart?
[Achmed] The numbers on theirs backs!

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[Jeff] That's terrible.
[Achmed] I know. Mother's Day is a bitch.

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[A.J.] That's not funny at all.

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[Achmed] Atall? Who's Atall? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was budgy eye like you.

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[Jeff] Budgy eye?
[Achmed] Well, look at him!

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[A.J.] Well, you are not exactly a ...

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[Achmed] At least my face is...

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[Jeff] Achmed, he is your son!

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[Achmed] Well at least ... landlord.

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[A.J.] You caused the accident.

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[Achmed] Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction.

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[A.J.] You didn't mean for it to happen!
[Achmed] I did to!

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[A.J.] You did not!
[Achmed] I did... oh shit! Marneeeeel!

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[Achmed] Son of a bitch!
[A.J.] Are you talking to me now?

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[Achmed] Fix it right or I'll kick your ass!

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[Achmed] Marnel, come back!
My arm is stuck in my tummy, you asshole!

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[A.J.] He can fix my pelvis anytime.
[Achmed] Shut uuuup!

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[Jeff] So the explosion that you were talking about... how did that happen?

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[Achmed] Very precise and careful planned.
[A.J.] Not exactly.

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[Achmed] I said shut up!
[Jeff] What happened?

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[Achmed] NOTHING!
[A.J.] He was putting gasoline in his scooter.

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[Jeff] So why was there an explosion?
[Achmed] Shit happens.

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[A.J.] He was using his cellphone.
[Jeff] Really?

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[Achmed] What?

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[Jeff] While putting gas in your scooter,
you know, that's dangerous.

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[Achmed] Well it was your mother who called!
[A.J.] Really?

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[Achmed] I don't know.

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[Jeff] What was her name?
[Achmed] Forty-two.

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[Jeff] And you guys haven't had any contact since?
[Achmed] Not much, he is a bad son.

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[A.J] I am not!
[Achmed] Tell him what you sent me for my birthday!

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[A.J.] It was a honest mistake.
[Jeff] What you sent him?

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[Achmed] He sent me a bottle of skin lotion.

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[A.J.] He made it worse.
[Jeff] What did you do?

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[Achmed] I sent him back half a bottle, ja ja!

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[Jeff] You know, maybe you should try to patch things up.

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[Achmed] Looks like .... a fucking patch.

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[A.J.] But I'm here for a reason!
[Achmed] What? skin grub soil? I'm a man. ?

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[Achmed] Fuck, Marneeeeel!
Come and fix my fucking leg!

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[Achmed] ... you asshole!

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[Jeff] Actually he brought the tape...

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[A.J.] He's kinky too
[Achmed] Shut uup!

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[Jeff] So, Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here?

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[Achmed] Well, wait a minute... This is some crap on child support, is it?

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[Achmed] Fat bitch, whoever the one she was.
[Jeff] No, that's not.

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[Achmed] This is that, because I've seen the crap that you're going through

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and I don't know how are you gonna afford this on a T-shirt!

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[Jeff] Thank you.
[Achmed] Did I said that your tears just rolled?

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[Jeff] Yes, thank you.
[Achmed] Okay, good luck with the Judge.

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[Achmed] 
[Jeff] Actually, the Jugde is a woman.

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[A.J.] You're fucked.

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[Achmed] Of course I'm getting hustle,
I'm a terrorist, you idiot!

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[Achmed] You piss me off, I kill you!

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[A.J.] What's wrong with your leg?