WEBVTT 00:00:03.920 --> 00:00:04.920 <How To Reconcile Differences in a Marriage> 00:00:08.840 --> 00:00:26.717 (Questioner) I'm getting freer than before by watching your video. 00:00:26.717 --> 00:00:35.656 Thank you so much, but I still have a long way to be free. 00:00:35.656 --> 00:00:37.890 So I have a question about that. 00:00:37.890 --> 00:00:40.125 My wife and I have very different perspectives, opinion and also priority in the life. 00:00:40.125 --> 00:00:42.360 For example, she wants me to clean something right away, 00:00:42.360 --> 00:00:44.595 but I don't want to clean that right away because I have other priorities, like I have to cook or something others. 00:00:44.595 --> 00:00:53.087 My question is, should I try to fit in? 00:00:53.087 --> 00:00:57.333 I've asked a lot of people who have been marriage for a long time, 00:00:57.333 --> 00:01:00.372 and they said you have to fit in. 00:01:00.372 --> 00:01:02.562 But what if the other persons isn't willing to fit in? 00:01:02.562 --> 00:01:08.228 Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't seem to care about this point,. 00:01:08.228 --> 00:01:13.051 I'm kind of delicate and considerate, but she's like a general. 00:01:13.051 --> 00:01:16.253 She doesn't think as much about life or things in general, 00:01:16.253 --> 00:01:20.068 while I tend to think a lot about everything. 00:01:20.068 --> 00:01:24.351 One thing I want to mention is that in a marriage, we need to have 00:01:24.351 --> 00:01:29.708 a consensus on almost everrthing. 00:01:29.708 --> 00:01:33.520 I want to let her be the way she is, 00:01:33.520 --> 00:01:36.329 but we still need to reach an agreement on things. 00:01:36.329 --> 00:01:43.523 So, we have a different perspectives and wondering how can I handle this. 00:01:43.523 --> 00:01:54.731 (Sunim) If you were to get your way and not clean, 00:01:54.731 --> 00:01:59.286 I mean you might feel better about it, but the house is going to be dirty. 00:01:59.286 --> 00:02:05.056 That is not beneficial for the education of your children. 00:02:05.056 --> 00:02:14.641 So in a way, if she's good at cleaning, 00:02:14.641 --> 00:02:16.920 although I'm not as good or as motivated, 00:02:16.920 --> 00:02:18.213 that's a good thing. 00:02:18.213 --> 00:02:21.385 So you just feel grateful for it. 00:02:21.385 --> 00:02:28.244 If she didn't ask you to clean, then it's a good thing, right? 00:02:28.244 --> 00:02:31.486 so just follow whatever she tells you. 00:02:31.486 --> 00:02:43.934 Like your friend said, just follow what your wife tells you ,basically. 00:02:43.934 --> 00:02:51.188 The problem is, if you continue following and doing everything 00:02:51.188 --> 00:02:54.289 your wife tells you, you'll end up stressed. 00:02:54.289 --> 00:03:11.916 If you're really grateful and appreciate how great she is at cleaning, 00:03:11.916 --> 00:03:15.351 then you just say I'm sorry, but still hold that gratitude. 00:03:15.351 --> 00:03:22.534 It's the best way for you not to get stressed out. 00:03:22.534 --> 00:03:33.365 But at the same time, you feel that insistence that you're right, 00:03:33.365 --> 00:03:35.530 it's not that important, 00:03:35.530 --> 00:03:39.809 so why get upset or obsessed with cleaning and stress yourself out. 00:03:39.809 --> 00:03:48.681 In the end, getting stressed out is actually worse than keeping a clean house. 00:03:48.681 --> 00:03:55.443 In that sense, don't listen to your wife 00:03:55.443 --> 00:04:02.495 because it's more important for you not to get stressed. 00:04:02.495 --> 00:04:07.297 In that sense, the consequences is that you have to listen to her negging. 00:04:07.297 --> 00:04:13.262 The question shouldn't be, "Way is she nagging me?" 00:04:13.262 --> 00:04:17.483 You need to understand that she has the right to nag, 00:04:17.483 --> 00:04:23.380 so all you can do is apologize, for example. 00:04:23.380 --> 00:04:29.258 That's how you should deal with the situation 00:04:29.258 --> 00:04:36.038 If at all possible, the best solution is to listen to her, 00:04:36.038 --> 00:04:42.024 but since you're not a slave, you don't have to obey everything she says. 00:04:42.024 --> 00:04:46.088 Sometimes you can actually do what you want 00:04:46.088 --> 00:04:51.494 When you do that, you just apologize to your wife, 00:04:51.494 --> 00:04:57.695 "I'm sorry," and then you do what you want. 00:04:57.695 --> 00:05:00.430 (Sunim) Do you have any follow up? NOTE Paragraph 00:05:00.430 --> 00:05:05.033 (Questioner) For example, we have a different opinion about vacation. 00:05:05.033 --> 00:05:10.545 She loves to go on vocations, but I prefer staying home. 00:05:10.545 --> 00:05:14.908 In my view, there is no right or wrong in this situation. 00:05:14.908 --> 00:05:20.710 So, how can come to decision about this? 00:05:20.710 --> 00:05:26.875 (Sunim) If you want to stay married, it's probably better to listen to your wife. 00:05:26.875 --> 00:05:30.250 (Audience Laughter) 00:05:30.250 --> 00:05:35.685 But if that's too hard, you can get divorced. 00:05:35.685 --> 00:05:38.548 It's not a difficult thing. 00:05:38.548 --> 00:05:42.992 If you get divorced, you're just back to square one, 00:05:42.992 --> 00:05:48.826 because before you got married, you're never married in the first place. 00:05:48.826 --> 00:06:02.259 Being married is about compromising and finding ways 00:06:02.259 --> 00:06:05.197 to align perspectives with each other. 00:06:05.197 --> 00:06:13.254 Marriage isn't about two people agreeing on everything, 00:06:13.254 --> 00:06:17.837 but coming together and living together. 00:06:17.837 --> 00:06:20.417 It's two people, who don't agree on everything, 00:06:20.417 --> 00:06:23.432 coming together, compromising, and learning to listening. 00:06:23.432 --> 00:06:30.797 Let's just step back and look at how people's relationships form. 00:06:30.797 --> 00:06:39.835 When we meet strangers, we don't expect them to be just like us. 00:06:39.835 --> 00:06:47.385 You start talking to a stranger and realize, "Oh, he is Korean too." 00:06:47.385 --> 00:06:51.050 and you feel a little closeness. 00:06:51.050 --> 00:06:58.906 Then you find out you're both Christians, so you have even more in common. 00:06:58.906 --> 00:07:07.307 Next, you find out you're from the same hometown or region, 00:07:07.307 --> 00:07:09.534 and you become even closer. 00:07:09.534 --> 00:07:15.349 You ask for each other's hobbies, and they turn out to be similar. 00:07:15.349 --> 00:07:22.412 The more commonalities you share, the friendlier the connection becomes. 00:07:22.412 --> 00:07:31.397 Eventually, that relationship may grow into something deeper, 00:07:31.397 --> 00:07:33.694 and you become lovers or even get married. 00:07:33.694 --> 00:07:41.193 It's kind of fun to think about how your brain functions. 00:07:41.193 --> 00:07:57.388 When you find out you have 1, 2, 3 or 10 to 20 things in common, 00:07:57.388 --> 00:08:04.968 your brain tends to jump to the conclusion that everything will align. 00:08:04.968 --> 00:08:08.234 You think, "We're so alike," and things move forward, maybe even toward marriage. 00:08:08.234 --> 00:08:15.737 But when you start to living together, you realize there are differences, 00:08:15.737 --> 00:08:24.909 like cleanliness or how spicy the food should be. 00:08:24.909 --> 00:08:30.225 And that’s when you see you’re not as similar as you thought. 00:08:30.225 --> 00:08:37.811 Then your brain flips and assumes the opposite 00:08:37.811 --> 00:08:42.733 that you have nothing in common, that your personalities just don't match, 00:08:42.733 --> 00:08:46.848 and you don't like the same things, we can't live together. 00:08:46.848 --> 00:08:50.459 That's why sometimes relationships end, 00:08:50.459 --> 00:08:58.218 because you got married thinking you were so alike. 00:08:58.218 --> 00:09:07.634 After a divorced, when you start dating again, 00:09:07.634 --> 00:09:12.004 you begin to realize maybe it was a mistake. 00:09:12.004 --> 00:09:30.780 Whether you dated for a short time or married after years of dating, 00:09:30.780 --> 00:09:35.076 living in a marriage is not that different. 00:09:35.076 --> 00:09:40.769 Of course, you might have less in common with someone 00:09:40.769 --> 00:09:42.638 you only dated briefly. 00:09:42.638 --> 00:09:54.725 But since your brain hasn't made that assumption that you're completely alike, 00:09:54.725 --> 00:09:57.823 you actually start discovering more things in common 00:09:57.823 --> 00:10:00.005 as you live together in marriage. 00:10:00.005 --> 00:10:07.419 It's all about expectation management because when your expectations are lower, 00:10:07.419 --> 00:10:08.879 you're less disappointed. 00:10:08.879 --> 00:10:19.826 But after dating for a long time, your expectation gets really high. 00:10:19.826 --> 00:10:26.011 Then, once you're married and live together, 00:10:26.011 --> 00:10:30.946 you realize the reality of marriage doesn't quite meet those expectations. 00:10:30.946 --> 00:10:35.102 Then your disappointment gets relatively larger. 00:10:35.102 --> 00:10:44.478 Whether you marry a stranger or someone you've dated for 10 years, 00:10:44.478 --> 00:10:47.258 marriage doesn't turn out that different. 00:10:47.258 --> 00:10:54.178 In the past, people often didn't see each other before getting merried, 00:10:54.178 --> 00:10:56.150 and divorce was rare. 00:10:56.150 --> 00:11:04.036 These days, you date for a long time and even live together 00:11:04.036 --> 00:11:09.219 before getting married, yet the divorce rate is sky high. 00:11:09.219 --> 00:11:17.984 Marriage is about recognizing that you're different 00:11:17.984 --> 00:11:20.685 and still coming together in harmony. 00:11:20.685 --> 00:11:25.296 What's the easiest way to compromise? 00:11:25.296 --> 00:11:30.938 The easiest way to compromise is for you to give in 00:11:30.938 --> 00:11:33.387 because you can chose to do so. 00:11:33.387 --> 00:11:35.864 The hardest part is 00:11:35.864 --> 00:11:42.275 trying to make other person follow your desires and wants. 00:11:42.275 --> 00:11:46.268 In that sense, it's not entirely up to you, 00:11:46.268 --> 00:11:50.984 it's up to the other person and their preferences. 00:11:50.984 --> 00:11:57.347 But most of the times, I see everybody chooses 00:11:57.347 --> 00:11:59.976 the most difficult way, not the easiest way. 00:11:59.976 --> 00:12:06.877 Spiritual practice is all about following the easiest path. 00:12:06.877 --> 00:12:14.866 Since you chose the most difficult path, obviously, you're going to be stressed. 00:12:14.866 --> 00:12:24.970 So I want you to live with that stress.