1 00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:04,920 2 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:26,717 (Questioner) I'm getting freer than before by watching your video. 3 00:00:28,827 --> 00:00:35,656 Thank you so much, but I still have a long way to be free. 4 00:00:35,656 --> 00:00:37,890 So I have a question about that. 5 00:00:37,890 --> 00:00:40,125 My wife and I have very different perspectives, opinion and also priority in the life. 6 00:00:40,125 --> 00:00:42,360 For example, she wants me to clean something right away, 7 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,595 but I don't want to clean that right away because I have other priorities, like I have to cook or something others. 8 00:00:44,595 --> 00:00:53,087 My question is, should I try to fit in? 9 00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:57,333 I've asked a lot of people who have been marriage for a long time, 10 00:00:57,333 --> 00:01:00,372 and they said you have to fit in. 11 00:01:00,372 --> 00:01:02,562 But what if the other persons isn't willing to fit in? 12 00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:08,228 Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't seem to care about this point,. 13 00:01:08,228 --> 00:01:13,051 I'm kind of delicate and considerate, but she's like a general. 14 00:01:13,051 --> 00:01:16,253 She doesn't think as much about life or things in general, 15 00:01:16,253 --> 00:01:20,068 while I tend to think a lot about everything. 16 00:01:20,068 --> 00:01:24,351 One thing I want to mention is that in a marriage, we need to have 17 00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:29,708 a consensus on almost everrthing. 18 00:01:29,708 --> 00:01:33,520 I want to let her be the way she is, 19 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,329 but we still need to reach an agreement on things. 20 00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:43,523 So, we have a different perspectives and wondering how can I handle this. 21 00:01:43,523 --> 00:01:54,731 (Sunim) If you were to get your way and not clean, 22 00:01:54,731 --> 00:01:59,286 I mean you might feel better about it, but the house is going to be dirty. 23 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:05,056 That is not beneficial for the education of your children. 24 00:02:05,056 --> 00:02:14,641 So in a way, if she's good at cleaning, 25 00:02:14,641 --> 00:02:16,920 although I'm not as good or as motivated, 26 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:18,213 that's a good thing. 27 00:02:18,213 --> 00:02:21,385 So you just feel grateful for it. 28 00:02:21,385 --> 00:02:28,244 If she didn't ask you to clean, then it's a good thing, right? 29 00:02:28,244 --> 00:02:31,486 so just follow whatever she tells you. 30 00:02:31,486 --> 00:02:43,934 Like your friend said, just follow what your wife tells you ,basically. 31 00:02:43,934 --> 00:02:51,188 The problem is, if you continue following and doing everything 32 00:02:51,188 --> 00:02:54,289 your wife tells you, you'll end up stressed. 33 00:02:54,289 --> 00:03:11,916 If you're really grateful and appreciate how great she is at cleaning, 34 00:03:11,916 --> 00:03:15,351 then you just say I'm sorry, but still hold that gratitude. 35 00:03:15,351 --> 00:03:22,534 It's the best way for you not to get stressed out. 36 00:03:22,534 --> 00:03:33,365 But at the same time, you feel that insistence that you're right, 37 00:03:33,365 --> 00:03:35,530 it's not that important, 38 00:03:35,530 --> 00:03:39,809 so why get upset or obsessed with cleaning and stress yourself out. 39 00:03:39,809 --> 00:03:48,681 In the end, getting stressed out is actually worse than keeping a clean house. 40 00:03:48,681 --> 00:03:55,443 In that sense, don't listen to your wife 41 00:03:55,443 --> 00:04:02,495 because it's more important for you not to get stressed. 42 00:04:02,495 --> 00:04:07,297 In that sense, the consequences is that you have to listen to her negging. 43 00:04:07,297 --> 00:04:13,262 The question shouldn't be, "Way is she nagging me?" 44 00:04:13,262 --> 00:04:17,483 You need to understand that she has the right to nag, 45 00:04:17,483 --> 00:04:23,380 so all you can do is apologize, for example. 46 00:04:23,380 --> 00:04:29,258 That's how you should deal with the situation 47 00:04:29,258 --> 00:04:36,038 If at all possible, the best solution is to listen to her, 48 00:04:36,038 --> 00:04:42,024 but since you're not a slave, you don't have to obey everything she says. 49 00:04:42,024 --> 00:04:46,088 Sometimes you can actually do what you want 50 00:04:46,088 --> 00:04:51,494 When you do that, you just apologize to your wife, 51 00:04:51,494 --> 00:04:57,695 "I'm sorry," and then you do what you want. 52 00:04:57,695 --> 00:05:00,430 (Sunim) Do you have any follow up? 53 00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:05,033 (Questioner) For example, we have a different opinion about vacation. 54 00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:10,545 She loves to go on vocations, but I prefer staying home. 55 00:05:10,545 --> 00:05:14,908 In my view, there is no right or wrong in this situation. 56 00:05:14,908 --> 00:05:20,710 So, how can come to decision about this? 57 00:05:20,710 --> 00:05:26,875 (Sunim) If you want to stay married, it's probably better to listen to your wife. 58 00:05:26,875 --> 00:05:30,250 (Audience Laughter) 59 00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:35,685 But if that's too hard, you can get divorced. 60 00:05:35,685 --> 00:05:38,548 It's not a difficult thing. 61 00:05:38,548 --> 00:05:42,992 If you get divorced, you're just back to square one, 62 00:05:42,992 --> 00:05:48,826 because before you got married, you're never married in the first place. 63 00:05:48,826 --> 00:06:02,259 Being married is about compromising and finding ways 64 00:06:02,259 --> 00:06:05,197 to align perspectives with each other. 65 00:06:05,197 --> 00:06:13,254 Marriage isn't about two people agreeing on everything, 66 00:06:13,254 --> 00:06:17,837 but coming together and living together. 67 00:06:17,837 --> 00:06:20,417 It's two people, who don't agree on everything, 68 00:06:20,417 --> 00:06:23,432 coming together, compromising, and learning to listening. 69 00:06:23,432 --> 00:06:30,797 Let's just step back and look at how people's relationships form. 70 00:06:30,797 --> 00:06:39,835 When we meet strangers, we don't expect them to be just like us. 71 00:06:39,835 --> 00:06:47,385 You start talking to a stranger and realize, "Oh, he is Korean too." 72 00:06:47,385 --> 00:06:51,050 and you feel a little closeness. 73 00:06:51,050 --> 00:06:58,906 Then you find out you're both Christians, so you have even more in common. 74 00:06:58,906 --> 00:07:07,307 Next, you find out you're from the same hometown or region, 75 00:07:07,307 --> 00:07:09,534 and you become even closer. 76 00:07:09,534 --> 00:07:15,349 You ask for each other's hobbies, and they turn out to be similar. 77 00:07:15,349 --> 00:07:22,412 The more commonalities you share, the friendlier the connection becomes. 78 00:07:22,412 --> 00:07:31,397 Eventually, that relationship may grow into something deeper, 79 00:07:31,397 --> 00:07:33,694 and you become lovers or even get married. 80 00:07:33,694 --> 00:07:41,193 It's kind of fun to think about how your brain functions. 81 00:07:41,193 --> 00:07:57,388 When you find out you have 1, 2, 3 or 10 to 20 things in common, 82 00:07:57,388 --> 00:08:04,968 your brain tends to jump to the conclusion that everything will align. 83 00:08:04,968 --> 00:08:08,234 You think, "We're so alike," and things move forward, maybe even toward marriage. 84 00:08:08,234 --> 00:08:15,737 But when you start to living together, you realize there are differences, 85 00:08:15,737 --> 00:08:24,909 like cleanliness or how spicy the food should be. 86 00:08:24,909 --> 00:08:30,225 And that’s when you see you’re not as similar as you thought. 87 00:08:30,225 --> 00:08:37,811 Then your brain flips and assumes the opposite 88 00:08:37,811 --> 00:08:42,733 that you have nothing in common, that your personalities just don't match, 89 00:08:42,733 --> 00:08:46,848 and you don't like the same things, we can't live together. 90 00:08:46,848 --> 00:08:50,459 That's why sometimes relationships end, 91 00:08:50,459 --> 00:08:58,218 because you got married thinking you were so alike. 92 00:08:58,218 --> 00:09:07,634 After a divorced, when you start dating again, 93 00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:12,004 you begin to realize maybe it was a mistake. 94 00:09:12,004 --> 00:09:30,780 Whether you dated for a short time or married after years of dating, 95 00:09:30,780 --> 00:09:35,076 living in a marriage is not that different. 96 00:09:35,076 --> 00:09:40,769 Of course, you might have less in common with someone 97 00:09:40,769 --> 00:09:42,638 you only dated briefly. 98 00:09:42,638 --> 00:09:54,725 But since your brain hasn't made that assumption that you're completely alike, 99 00:09:54,725 --> 00:09:57,823 you actually start discovering more things in common 100 00:09:57,823 --> 00:10:00,005 as you live together in marriage. 101 00:10:00,005 --> 00:10:07,419 It's all about expectation management because when your expectations are lower, 102 00:10:07,419 --> 00:10:08,879 you're less disappointed. 103 00:10:08,879 --> 00:10:19,826 But after dating for a long time, your expectation gets really high. 104 00:10:19,826 --> 00:10:26,011 Then, once you're married and live together, 105 00:10:26,011 --> 00:10:30,946 you realize the reality of marriage doesn't quite meet those expectations. 106 00:10:30,946 --> 00:10:35,102 Then your disappointment gets relatively larger. 107 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:44,478 Whether you marry a stranger or someone you've dated for 10 years, 108 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,258 marriage doesn't turn out that different. 109 00:10:47,258 --> 00:10:54,178 In the past, people often didn't see each other before getting merried, 110 00:10:54,178 --> 00:10:56,150 and divorce was rare. 111 00:10:56,150 --> 00:11:04,036 These days, you date for a long time and even live together 112 00:11:04,036 --> 00:11:09,219 before getting married, yet the divorce rate is sky high. 113 00:11:09,219 --> 00:11:17,984 Marriage is about recognizing that you're different 114 00:11:17,984 --> 00:11:20,685 and still coming together in harmony. 115 00:11:20,685 --> 00:11:25,296 What's the easiest way to compromise? 116 00:11:25,296 --> 00:11:30,938 The easiest way to compromise is for you to give in 117 00:11:30,938 --> 00:11:33,387 because you can chose to do so. 118 00:11:33,387 --> 00:11:35,864 The hardest part is 119 00:11:35,864 --> 00:11:42,275 trying to make other person follow your desires and wants. 120 00:11:42,275 --> 00:11:46,268 In that sense, it's not entirely up to you, 121 00:11:46,268 --> 00:11:50,984 it's up to the other person and their preferences. 122 00:11:50,984 --> 00:11:57,347 But most of the times, I see everybody chooses 123 00:11:57,347 --> 00:11:59,976 the most difficult way, not the easiest way. 124 00:11:59,976 --> 00:12:06,877 Spiritual practice is all about following the easiest path. 125 00:12:06,877 --> 00:12:14,866 Since you chose the most difficult path, obviously, you're going to be stressed. 126 00:12:14,866 --> 00:12:24,970 So I want you to live with that stress.