WEBVTT

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<How To Reconcile Differences
in a Marriage>

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(Questioner) I'm getting freer
than before by watching your video,

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thank you so much.

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But I still have a long way to be free,
so I have a question about that.

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My wife and I have
very different perspectives, opinion

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and also priorities in the life.

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For example, she wants me to clean
something right away,

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but I don't want to because I have
other priorities, like cooking.

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My question is, should I try to fit in?

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I've asked a lot of people
who have been marriage for a long time,

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and they said, "You have to fit in
because if the other persons

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isn't willing to fit in, it won't work."

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Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't
seem to care about this point.

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I'm kind of delicate and considerate,
but she's like a general.

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She doesn't think as much about life
or things in general,

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while I tend to think
a lot about everything.

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One thing I want to mention is
that in a marriage,

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we need to have a consensus
on almost everything.

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I want to let her be the way she is,

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but we still need to reach
an agreement on things.

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So, we have a different perspectives
and wondering how can I handle this.

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(Sunim) If you were to get
your way and not clean,

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I mean you might feel better about it,
but the house is going to be dirty.

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That is not beneficial
for the education of your children.

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In a way, if she's good at cleaning,

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although I'm not as good or motivated,
that's a good thing, right?

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So you just feel grateful for it.

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If she ask you to clean,
then it's a good thing, right?

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So just follow
whatever she tells you.

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Like your friend said, just follow
what your wife tells you ,basically.

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The problem is, if you continue
following and doing everything

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your wife tells you,
you'll end up stressed.

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If you're really grateful and appreciate
how great she is at cleaning,

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then you just say I'm sorry,
but still hold that gratitude.

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It's the best way for you
not to get stressed out.

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But at the same time, you feel
that insistence that you're right.

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It's not that important
why she gets upset or obsessed

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with cleaning
and make you stress out.

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In the end, getting stressed out is
actually worse than keeping a clean house.

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In that sense, don't listen to your wife
(Audience Laughter)

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because it's more important
for you not to get stressed.

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In that sense, the consequences is
that you have to listen to her negging.

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The question shouldn't be, 
"Way is she nagging me?"

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You need to understand that
she has the right to nag,

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so all you can do is apologize,
for example.

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That's how you should deal
with the situation

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If at all possible,
the best solution is to listen to her,

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but since you're not a slave,
you don't have to obey

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everything she says.

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Sometimes you can actually do
what you want.

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But when you do that,
you just apologize to your wife,

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"I'm sorry,"
and then you do what you want.

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(Sunim) Do you have any follow up?

NOTE Paragraph

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(Questioner) For example, we have
a different opinion about vacation.

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She loves to go on vocations,
but I prefer staying home.

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In my view, there is no right
or wrong in this situation.

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So, how can come
to decision about this?

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(Sunim) If you want to stay married,
it's probably best to listen to your wife.

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(Audience Laughter)

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But if that's too hard,
you can get divorced.

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It's not a difficult thing.

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If you get divorced,
you're just back to square one,

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because before you got married,
you're never married in the first place.

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Being married is about
compromising and finding ways

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to align perspectives
with each other.

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Marriage isn't about two people
agreeing on everything,

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but coming together
and living together.

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It's two people,
who don't agree on everything,

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coming together, compromising, 
and learning to listening.

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Let's just step back and look at
how people's relationships form.

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When we meet strangers,
we don't expect them to be just like us.

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You start talking to a stranger
and realize, "Oh, he is Korean too."

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and you feel a little closeness.

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Then you find out you're both Christians,
so you have even more in common.

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Next, you find out you're
from the same hometown or region,

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and you become even closer.

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You ask for each other's hobbies,
and they turn out to be similar.

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The more commonalities you share, 
the friendlier the connection becomes.

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Eventually, that relationship may grow
into something deeper,

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and you become lovers
or even get married.

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It's kind of fun to think about
how your brain functions.

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When you find out you have 1, 2, 3
or 10 to 20 things in common,

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your brain tends to jump to the conclusion
that everything will align.

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You think, "We're so alike," and things move forward, maybe even toward marriage.

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But when you start to living together,
you realize there are differences,

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like cleanliness or how spicy
the food should be.

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And that’s when you see
you’re not as similar as you thought.

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Then your brain flips
and assumes the opposite

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that you have nothing in common,
that your personalities just don't match,

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and you don't like the same things,
we can't live together.

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That's why sometimes relationships end,

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because you got married
thinking you were so alike.

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After a divorced,
when you start dating again,

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you begin to realize
maybe it was a mistake.

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Whether you dated for a short time
or married after years of dating,

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living in a marriage is
not that different.

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Of course, you might have less
in common with someone

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you only dated briefly.

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But since your brain hasn't made
that assumption

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that you're completely alike,
you actually start discovering

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more things in common 
as you live together in marriage.

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It's because when your expectations are
lower, you're less disappointed.

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But after dating for a long time,
your expectation gets really high.

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Then, once you're married
and live together,

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you realize the reality of marriage
doesn't quite meet those expectations.

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Then your disappointment
gets relatively larger.

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Whether you marry a stranger
or someone you've dated for 10 years,

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marriage doesn't turn out that different.

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In the past, people often didn't see
each other before getting merried,

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and divorce was rare.

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These days, you date for a long time
and even live together

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before getting married,
yet, the divorce rate is sky high.

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Marriage is about recognizing
that you're different

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and still coming together in harmony.

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What's the easiest way to
compromise?

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The easiest way to compromise is
for you to give in

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because you can chose to do so.

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The hardest part is

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trying to make other person
follow your desires and wants.

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In that sense,
it's not entirely up to you,

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it's up to the other person
and their preferences.

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But most of the times,
I see everybody chooses

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the most difficult way,
not the easiest way.

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Spiritual practice is
all about following the easiest path.

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Since you chose the most difficult path, 
obviously, you're going to be stressed.

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So I want you to live with that stress.