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<How To Reconcile Differences[br]in a Marriage>

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(Questioner) I'm getting freer[br]than before by watching your video,

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thank you so much.

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But I still have a long way to be free,[br]so I have a question about that.

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My wife and I have[br]very different perspectives, opinions

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and also priorities in the life.

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For example, she wants me to clean[br]something right away,

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but I don't want to because I have[br]other priorities, like cooking.

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My question is, should I try to fit in?

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I've asked a lot of people[br]who have been marriage for a long time,

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and they said, "You have to fit in[br]because if the other persons

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isn't willing to fit in, it won't work."

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Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't[br]seem to care about this point.

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I'm kind of delicate and considerate,[br]but she's like a general.

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She doesn't think as much about life[br]or things in general,

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while I tend to think[br]a lot about everything.

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One thing I want to mention is[br]that in a marriage,

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we need to have a consensus[br]on almost everything.

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I want to let her be the way she is,

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but we still need to reach[br]an agreement on things.

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So, we have a different perspectives[br]and I'm wondering how to handle this.

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(Sunim) If you were to get your way[br]and not clean,

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you might feel better about it,[br]but the house will end up dirty.

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That is not beneficial[br]for the education of your children.

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In a way, if she's good at cleaning,[br]although I'm not as good or motivated,

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that's a good thing, right?[br]So, you just feel grateful for it.

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If she ask you to clean,[br]then it's a good thing, right?

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So just follow[br]whatever she tells you.

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Like your friend said, just follow[br]what your wife tells you ,basically.

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The problem is, if you continue[br]following and doing everything

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your wife tells you,[br]you'll end up stressed.

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If you're grateful and appreciate[br]how great she is at cleaning,

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then you just say I'm sorry,[br]but still hold that gratitude.

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It's the best way for you[br]not to get stressed out.

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But at the same time, you feel[br]that insistence that you're right.

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It's not that important[br]why she gets upset or obsessed

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with cleaning[br]and make you stress out.

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In the end, getting stressed out is[br]actually worse than keeping a clean house.

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In that sense, don't listen to your wife[br](Audience Laughter)

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because it's more important[br]for you not to get stressed.

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In that sense, the consequences is[br]that you have to listen to her negging.

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The question shouldn't be, [br]"Way is she nagging me?"

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You need to understand that[br]she has the right to nag,

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so all you can do is apologize,[br]for example.

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That's how you should deal[br]with the situation.

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If at all possible,[br]the best solution is to listen to her,

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but since you're not a slave,[br]you don't have to obey

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everything she says.

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Sometimes you can do[br]what you want.

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But when you do that,[br]you just apologize to your wife,

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"I'm sorry,"[br]and then you do what you want.

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(Sunim) Do you have any follow up?

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(Questioner) For example, we have[br]a different opinion about vacation.

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She loves to go on vocations,[br]but I prefer staying home.

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In my view, there is no right[br]or wrong in this situation.

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So, how can we come[br]to decision about this?

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(Sunim) If you want to stay married,[br]it's probably best to listen to your wife.

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(Audience Laughter)

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But if that's too hard,[br]you can get divorced.

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It's not a difficult thing.

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If you get divorced,[br]you're just back to square one,

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because before you got married,[br]you're never married in the first place.

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Being married is about[br]compromising and finding ways

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to align perspectives[br]with each other.

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Marriage isn't about two people[br]agreeing on everything,

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but coming together[br]and living together.

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It's two people,[br]who don't agree on everything,

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coming together, compromising, [br]and learning to listening.

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Let's just step back and look at[br]how people's relationships form.

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When we meet strangers,[br]we don't expect them to be just like us.

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You start talking to a stranger[br]and realize, "Oh, he is Korean, too."

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and you feel a little closeness.

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Then you find out you're both Christians,[br]so you have even more in common.

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Next, you find out you're[br]from the same hometown or region,

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and you become even closer.

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You ask for each other's hobbies,[br]and they turn out to be similar.

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The more commonalities you share, [br]the friendlier the connection becomes.

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Eventually, that relationship may deepen[br]leading to love and marriage.

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It's kind of fun to think about[br]how your brain functions.

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When you find out you have 1, 2, 3[br]or 10 to 20 things in common,

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your brain tends to jump to the conclusion[br]that everything will align,

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possibly leading to marriage.

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But when you start to living together,[br]you realize there are differences,

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like cleanliness or how spicy[br]the food should be.

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And that’s when you see[br]you’re not as similar as you thought.

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Then your brain flips[br]and assumes the opposite

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that you have nothing in common,[br]that your personalities just don't match,

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and you don't like the same things,[br]so you think you can't live together.

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That's why sometimes[br]relationships end,

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because you got married[br]thinking you were so alike.

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After a divorced,[br]when you start dating again,

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you begin to realize[br]maybe it was a mistake.

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Whether you dated for a short time[br]or married after years of dating,

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living in a marriage is[br]not that different.

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Of course, you might have less in common[br]with someone you only dated briefly.

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But since your brain hasn't made[br]that assumption

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that you're completely alike,[br]you actually start discovering

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more things in common [br]as you live together in marriage.

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It's because when your expectations are[br]lower, you're less disappointed.

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But after dating for a long time,[br]your expectation gets really high.

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Then, once you're married[br]and live together,

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you realize the reality of marriage[br]doesn't quite meet those expectations.

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Then your disappointment[br]gets relatively larger.

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Whether you marry a stranger[br]or someone you've dated for 10 years,

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marriage doesn't turn out[br]that different.

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In the past, people often didn't see[br]each other before getting merried,

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and divorce was rare.

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These days, you date for a long time[br]and even live together

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before getting married,[br]yet, the divorce rate is sky high.

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Marriage is about recognizing[br]that you're different

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and still coming together in harmony.

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What's the easiest way to[br]compromise?

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The easiest way to compromise is[br]for you to give in

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because you can chose to do so.

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The hardest way is

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trying to make other person[br]follow your desires and wants.

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In that sense,[br]it's not entirely up to you,

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it's up to the other person[br]and their preferences.

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But most of the time,[br]I see everyone chooses

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the most difficult way,[br]not the easiest way.

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Spiritual practice is[br]all about following the easiest path.

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Since you chose the most difficult path, [br]obviously, you're going to be stressed.

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So I want you to live with that stress.