<How To Reconcile Differences in a Marriage>
(Questioner) I'm feeling freer than before after watching your video,
thank you so much.
But I still have a long way to go, so I have a question about that.
My wife and I have very different perspectives, opinions
and also priorities in the life.
For example, she wants me to clean something right away,
but I don't want to because I have other priorities, like cooking.
My question is, should I try to fit in?
I've asked a lot of people who have been marriage for a long time,
and they said, "You have to fit in because if the other persons
isn't willing to fit in, it won't work."
Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't seem to care about this point.
I'm kind of delicate and considerate, but she's like a general.
She doesn't think as much about life or things in general,
while I tend to think a lot about everything.
One thing I want to mention is that in a marriage,
we need to have a consensus on almost everything.
I want to let her be the way she is,
but we still need to reach agreements on certain things.
So, we have a different perspectives and I'm wondering how to handle this.
(Sunim) If you were to get your way and not clean,
you might feel better about it, but the house will end up dirty.
That is not beneficial for the education of your children.
In a way, if she's good at cleaning, although I'm not as good or motivated,
that's a good thing, right? So, you just feel grateful for it.
If she ask you to clean, that's a good thing, right?
So just follow whatever she tells you.
Like your friend said, just follow what your wife says ,basically.
The problem is, if you keep following and doing everything
your wife tells you, you'll end up stressed.
If you're grateful and appreciate how great she is at cleaning,
then you just say I'm sorry, but still hold that gratitude.
It's the best way for you not to get stressed out.
But at the same time, you feel that insistence that you're right,
it's not that important why she gets upset or obsessed
with cleaning and make you stressed out.
In the end, getting stressed is worse than keeping a clean house.
In that sense, don't listen to your wife (Audience Laughter)
because it's more important for you not to get stressed.
In that sense, the consequences is that you have to listen to her negging.
The question shouldn't be, "Way is she nagging me?"
You need to understand that she has the right to nag,
so all you can do is apologize, for example.
That's how you should deal with the situation.
If possible, the best solution is to listen to her,
but since you're not a slave, you don't have to obey
everything she says.
Sometimes, you can do what you want.
But when you do that, just apologize to your wife,
saying, "I'm sorry," and then you do what you want.
(Sunim) Do you have any follow up?
(Questioner) For example, we have a different opinion about vacation.
She loves to go on vocations, but I prefer staying home.
In my view, there is no right or wrong in this situation.
So, how can we come to decision about this?
(Sunim) If you want to stay married, it's probably best to listen to your wife.
(Audience Laughter)
But if that's too hard, you can get divorced.
It's not a difficult thing.
If you get divorced, you're just back to square one,
because before you got married, you're never married in the first place.
Being married is about compromising and finding ways
to align perspectives with each other.
It isn't about agreeing on everything, but coming together and living together.
It's two people, who don't agree on everything,
coming together, compromising, and learning to listening.
Let's just step back and look at how people's relationships form.
When we meet strangers, we don't expect them to be just like us.
You start talking to a stranger and realize, "Oh, he is Korean, too."
and you feel a little closeness.
Then, you find out you're both Christians, so you have even more in common.
Next, you find out you're from the same hometown or region,
and you become even closer.
You ask for each other's hobbies, and they turn out to be similar.
The more commonalities you share, the friendlier the connection becomes.
Eventually, that relationship may deepen leading to love and marriage.
It's kind of fun to think about how your brain functions.
When you find out you have 1, 2, 3 or 10 to 20 things in common,
your brain tends to jump to the conclusion that everything will align,
possibly leading to marriage.
But when you start to living together, you realize there are differences,
like cleanliness or how spicy the food should be.
And that’s when you see you’re not as similar as you thought.
Then your brain flips and assumes the opposite
that you have nothing in common, that your personalities just don't match,
and you don't like the same things, so you think you can't live together.
That's why sometimes relationships end,
because you got married thinking you were so alike.
After a divorced, when you start dating again,
you begin to realize maybe it was a mistake.
Whether you dated for a short time or married after years of dating,
living in a marriage is not that different.
Of course, you might have less in common with someone you only dated briefly.
But since your brain hasn't made that assumption
that you're completely alike, you actually start discovering
more things in common as you live together in marriage.
It's because when your expectations are lower, you're less disappointed.
But after dating for a long time, your expectation grow.
Once you're married and live together, you realize the reality of marriage
doesn't quite meet those expectations, and your disappointment grows accordingly.
Whether you marry a stranger or someone you've dated for 10 years,
marriage doesn't turn out that different.
In the past, people often didn't see each other before getting merried,
and divorce was rare.
These days, you date for a long time and even live together
before getting married, yet, the divorce rate is sky high.
Marriage is about recognizing that you're different
and still coming together in harmony.
What's the easiest way to compromise?
The easiest way to compromise is for you to give in
because you can chose to do so.
The hardest way is
trying to make other person follow your desires and wants.
In that sense, it's not entirely up to you,
it's up to the other person and their preferences.
But most of the time, I see everyone choosing the hardest path,
not the easiest way.
Spiritual practice is all about following the easiest path.
Since you chose the most difficult path, obviously, you're going to be stressed.
So I want you to live with that stress. (Audience Laughter)