1 00:00:03,055 --> 00:00:09,227 2 00:00:09,227 --> 00:00:13,591 (Questioner) I'm feeling freer than before after watching your video, 3 00:00:13,591 --> 00:00:15,590 thank you so much. 4 00:00:15,590 --> 00:00:21,660 But I still have a long way to go, so I have a question about that. 5 00:00:21,660 --> 00:00:27,485 My wife and I have very different perspectives, opinions 6 00:00:27,485 --> 00:00:30,863 and also priorities in the life. 7 00:00:30,863 --> 00:00:35,320 For example, she wants me to clean something right away, 8 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:44,524 but I don't want to because I have other priorities, like cooking. 9 00:00:44,524 --> 00:00:46,928 My question is, should I try to fit in? 10 00:00:46,928 --> 00:00:51,945 I've asked a lot of people who have been marriage for a long time, 11 00:00:51,945 --> 00:00:56,267 and they said, "You have to fit in because if the other persons 12 00:00:56,267 --> 00:01:02,562 isn't willing to fit in, it won't work." 13 00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:08,228 Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't seem to care about this point. 14 00:01:08,228 --> 00:01:13,051 I'm kind of delicate and considerate, but she's like a general. 15 00:01:13,051 --> 00:01:16,253 She doesn't think as much about life or things in general, 16 00:01:16,253 --> 00:01:20,068 while I tend to think a lot about everything. 17 00:01:20,068 --> 00:01:24,750 One thing I want to mention is that in a marriage, 18 00:01:24,750 --> 00:01:29,708 we need to have a consensus on almost everything. 19 00:01:29,708 --> 00:01:33,520 I want to let her be the way she is, 20 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,329 but we still need to reach agreements on certain things. 21 00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:43,523 So, we have a different perspectives and I'm wondering how to handle this. 22 00:01:43,523 --> 00:01:54,731 (Sunim) If you were to get your way and not clean, 23 00:01:54,731 --> 00:01:59,286 you might feel better about it, but the house will end up dirty. 24 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:05,056 That is not beneficial for the education of your children. 25 00:02:05,056 --> 00:02:16,946 In a way, if she's good at cleaning, although I'm not as good or motivated, 26 00:02:16,946 --> 00:02:21,385 that's a good thing, right? So, you just feel grateful for it. 27 00:02:21,385 --> 00:02:28,244 If she ask you to clean, that's a good thing, right? 28 00:02:28,244 --> 00:02:31,222 So just follow whatever she tells you. 29 00:02:31,222 --> 00:02:43,934 Like your friend said, just follow what your wife says ,basically. 30 00:02:43,934 --> 00:02:51,188 The problem is, if you keep following and doing everything 31 00:02:51,188 --> 00:02:54,289 your wife tells you, you'll end up stressed. 32 00:02:54,289 --> 00:03:11,916 If you're grateful and appreciate how great she is at cleaning, 33 00:03:11,916 --> 00:03:15,351 then you just say I'm sorry, but still hold that gratitude. 34 00:03:15,351 --> 00:03:22,534 It's the best way for you not to get stressed out. 35 00:03:22,534 --> 00:03:33,365 But at the same time, you feel that insistence that you're right, 36 00:03:33,365 --> 00:03:36,587 it's not that important why she gets upset or obsessed 37 00:03:36,587 --> 00:03:39,809 with cleaning and make you stressed out. 38 00:03:39,809 --> 00:03:48,681 In the end, getting stressed is worse than keeping a clean house. 39 00:03:48,681 --> 00:03:56,212 In that sense, don't listen to your wife (Audience Laughter) 40 00:03:56,212 --> 00:04:02,495 because it's more important for you not to get stressed. 41 00:04:02,495 --> 00:04:07,297 In that sense, the consequences is that you have to listen to her negging. 42 00:04:07,297 --> 00:04:13,262 The question shouldn't be, "Way is she nagging me?" 43 00:04:13,262 --> 00:04:17,483 You need to understand that she has the right to nag, 44 00:04:17,483 --> 00:04:25,364 so all you can do is apologize, for example. 45 00:04:25,364 --> 00:04:29,258 That's how you should deal with the situation. 46 00:04:29,258 --> 00:04:36,078 If possible, the best solution is to listen to her, 47 00:04:36,078 --> 00:04:40,766 but since you're not a slave, you don't have to obey 48 00:04:40,766 --> 00:04:42,024 everything she says. 49 00:04:42,024 --> 00:04:46,088 Sometimes, you can do what you want. 50 00:04:46,088 --> 00:04:51,494 But when you do that, just apologize to your wife, 51 00:04:51,494 --> 00:04:57,695 saying, "I'm sorry," and then you do what you want. 52 00:04:57,695 --> 00:05:00,638 (Sunim) Do you have any follow up? 53 00:05:00,638 --> 00:05:05,033 (Questioner) For example, we have a different opinion about vacation. 54 00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:10,545 She loves to go on vocations, but I prefer staying home. 55 00:05:10,545 --> 00:05:14,908 In my view, there is no right or wrong in this situation. 56 00:05:14,908 --> 00:05:20,959 So, how can we come to decision about this? 57 00:05:20,959 --> 00:05:26,875 (Sunim) If you want to stay married, it's probably best to listen to your wife. 58 00:05:26,875 --> 00:05:30,250 (Audience Laughter) 59 00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:35,685 But if that's too hard, you can get divorced. 60 00:05:35,685 --> 00:05:38,548 It's not a difficult thing. 61 00:05:38,548 --> 00:05:42,992 If you get divorced, you're just back to square one, 62 00:05:42,992 --> 00:05:48,826 because before you got married, you're never married in the first place. 63 00:05:48,826 --> 00:06:02,259 Being married is about compromising and finding ways 64 00:06:02,259 --> 00:06:07,103 to align perspectives with each other. 65 00:06:07,103 --> 00:06:17,837 It isn't about agreeing on everything, but coming together and living together. 66 00:06:17,837 --> 00:06:20,417 It's two people, who don't agree on everything, 67 00:06:20,417 --> 00:06:23,432 coming together, compromising, and learning to listening. 68 00:06:23,432 --> 00:06:30,797 Let's just step back and look at how people's relationships form. 69 00:06:30,797 --> 00:06:39,835 When we meet strangers, we don't expect them to be just like us. 70 00:06:39,835 --> 00:06:47,385 You start talking to a stranger and realize, "Oh, he is Korean, too." 71 00:06:47,385 --> 00:06:51,050 and you feel a little closeness. 72 00:06:51,050 --> 00:06:58,906 Then, you find out you're both Christians, so you have even more in common. 73 00:06:58,906 --> 00:07:07,307 Next, you find out you're from the same hometown or region, 74 00:07:07,307 --> 00:07:09,534 and you become even closer. 75 00:07:09,534 --> 00:07:15,349 You ask for each other's hobbies, and they turn out to be similar. 76 00:07:15,349 --> 00:07:23,232 The more commonalities you share, the friendlier the connection becomes. 77 00:07:23,232 --> 00:07:33,465 Eventually, that relationship may deepen leading to love and marriage. 78 00:07:33,465 --> 00:07:41,193 It's kind of fun to think about how your brain functions. 79 00:07:41,193 --> 00:07:57,388 When you find out you have 1, 2, 3 or 10 to 20 things in common, 80 00:07:57,388 --> 00:08:04,667 your brain tends to jump to the conclusion that everything will align, 81 00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:07,320 possibly leading to marriage. 82 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:15,737 But when you start to living together, you realize there are differences, 83 00:08:15,737 --> 00:08:24,909 like cleanliness or how spicy the food should be. 84 00:08:24,909 --> 00:08:30,225 And that’s when you see you’re not as similar as you thought. 85 00:08:30,225 --> 00:08:37,811 Then your brain flips and assumes the opposite 86 00:08:37,811 --> 00:08:42,733 that you have nothing in common, that your personalities just don't match, 87 00:08:42,733 --> 00:08:46,848 and you don't like the same things, so you think you can't live together. 88 00:08:46,848 --> 00:08:50,459 That's why sometimes relationships end, 89 00:08:50,459 --> 00:08:58,218 because you got married thinking you were so alike. 90 00:08:58,218 --> 00:09:07,634 After a divorced, when you start dating again, 91 00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:12,004 you begin to realize maybe it was a mistake. 92 00:09:12,004 --> 00:09:30,780 Whether you dated for a short time or married after years of dating, 93 00:09:30,780 --> 00:09:35,076 living in a marriage is not that different. 94 00:09:35,076 --> 00:09:42,638 Of course, you might have less in common with someone you only dated briefly. 95 00:09:42,638 --> 00:09:51,409 But since your brain hasn't made that assumption 96 00:09:51,409 --> 00:09:56,151 that you're completely alike, you actually start discovering 97 00:09:56,151 --> 00:10:00,176 more things in common as you live together in marriage. 98 00:10:00,176 --> 00:10:08,879 It's because when your expectations are lower, you're less disappointed. 99 00:10:08,879 --> 00:10:19,826 But after dating for a long time, your expectation grow. 100 00:10:19,826 --> 00:10:27,843 Once you're married and live together, you realize the reality of marriage 101 00:10:27,843 --> 00:10:35,001 doesn't quite meet those expectations, and your disappointment grows accordingly. 102 00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:44,478 Whether you marry a stranger or someone you've dated for 10 years, 103 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,465 marriage doesn't turn out that different. 104 00:10:47,465 --> 00:10:54,178 In the past, people often didn't see each other before getting merried, 105 00:10:54,178 --> 00:10:56,150 and divorce was rare. 106 00:10:56,150 --> 00:11:04,036 These days, you date for a long time and even live together 107 00:11:04,036 --> 00:11:09,219 before getting married, yet, the divorce rate is sky high. 108 00:11:09,219 --> 00:11:17,058 Marriage is about recognizing that you're different 109 00:11:17,058 --> 00:11:20,685 and still coming together in harmony. 110 00:11:20,685 --> 00:11:25,296 What's the easiest way to compromise? 111 00:11:25,296 --> 00:11:30,938 The easiest way to compromise is for you to give in 112 00:11:30,938 --> 00:11:33,387 because you can chose to do so. 113 00:11:33,387 --> 00:11:35,864 The hardest way is 114 00:11:35,864 --> 00:11:42,275 trying to make other person follow your desires and wants. 115 00:11:42,275 --> 00:11:46,268 In that sense, it's not entirely up to you, 116 00:11:46,268 --> 00:11:50,984 it's up to the other person and their preferences. 117 00:11:50,984 --> 00:11:58,320 But most of the time, I see everyone choosing the hardest path, 118 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,634 not the easiest way. 119 00:12:00,634 --> 00:12:06,877 Spiritual practice is all about following the easiest path. 120 00:12:06,877 --> 00:12:14,866 Since you chose the most difficult path, obviously, you're going to be stressed. 121 00:12:14,866 --> 00:12:24,970 So I want you to live with that stress. (Audience Laughter)