1 00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:04,920 2 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:26,717 (Questioner) I'm getting freer than before by watching your video. 3 00:00:26,717 --> 00:00:35,656 Thank you so much, but I still have a long way to be free. 4 00:00:35,656 --> 00:00:37,890 So I have a question about that. 5 00:00:37,890 --> 00:00:40,125 My wife and I have very different perspectives, opinion and also priority in the life. 6 00:00:40,125 --> 00:00:42,360 For example, she wants me to clean something right away, 7 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,595 but I don't want to clean that right away because I have other priorities, like I have to cook or something others. 8 00:00:44,595 --> 00:00:53,087 My question is, should I try to fit in? 9 00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:57,333 I've asked a lot of people who have been marriage for a long time, 10 00:00:57,333 --> 00:00:59,456 and they said you have to fit in. 11 00:00:59,456 --> 00:01:01,580 But what if the other persons isn't willing to fit in? 12 00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:10,072 Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't seem to care about this point,. 13 00:01:10,072 --> 00:01:14,318 I'm kind of delicate and considerate, but she's like a general. 14 00:01:14,318 --> 00:01:16,441 She doesn't think as much about life or things in general, 15 00:01:16,441 --> 00:01:18,565 while I tend to think a lot about everything. 16 00:01:18,565 --> 00:01:24,351 One thing I want to mention is that in a marriage, we need to have 17 00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:30,137 a consensus on almost everrthing. 18 00:01:30,137 --> 00:01:33,030 I want to let her be the way she is, 19 00:01:33,030 --> 00:01:35,923 but we still need to reach an agreement on things. 20 00:01:35,923 --> 00:01:41,710 So, we have a different perspectives and wondering how can I handle this. 21 00:01:51,791 --> 00:01:55,070 (Sunim) If you were to get your way and not clean, 22 00:01:55,070 --> 00:01:58,350 I mean you might feel better about it, but the house is going to be dirty. 23 00:02:01,805 --> 00:02:04,755 That is not beneficial for the education of your children. 24 00:02:12,816 --> 00:02:13,853 So in a way, if she's good at cleaning, 25 00:02:13,853 --> 00:02:14,890 although I'm not as good or as motivated, 26 00:02:14,890 --> 00:02:16,965 that's a good thing. 27 00:02:16,965 --> 00:02:21,115 So you just feel grateful for it. 28 00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:27,398 If she didn't ask you to clean, then it's a good thing, right? 29 00:02:27,398 --> 00:02:29,609 so just follow whatever she tells. 30 00:02:29,609 --> 00:02:43,785 Like your friend said just follow what your wife tells you ,basically 31 00:02:48,672 --> 00:02:54,264 The problem is, if you continue following and doing everything your wife tells you, you'll end up stressed. 32 00:03:06,035 --> 00:03:10,737 If you're really grateful and appreciate how great she is at cleaning, 33 00:03:10,737 --> 00:03:15,440 then you just say I'm sorry, but still hold that gratitude. 34 00:03:19,740 --> 00:03:22,447 It's the best way for you not to get stressed out. 35 00:03:30,660 --> 00:03:35,152 But at the same time, you feel that insistence that you're right, 36 00:03:35,152 --> 00:03:37,398 it's not that important, 37 00:03:37,398 --> 00:03:39,644 so why get upset or obsessed with cleaning and stress yourself out? 38 00:03:43,850 --> 00:03:48,657 In the end, getting stressed out is actually worse than keeping a clean house. 39 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:55,575 In that sense, don't listen to your wife 40 00:04:00,082 --> 00:04:08,769 because it's more important for you not to get stressed. 41 00:04:08,769 --> 00:04:13,112 In that sense, the consequences is that you have to listen to her negging. 42 00:04:13,112 --> 00:04:15,284 The question shouldn't be, "Way is she nagging me?" 43 00:04:15,284 --> 00:04:17,456 You need to understand that she has the right to nag, 44 00:04:20,818 --> 00:04:23,125 so all you can do is apologize. 45 00:04:27,270 --> 00:04:29,270 That's how you should deal with the situation 46 00:04:32,380 --> 00:04:45,780 If at all possible, the best solution is to listen to her but since you're not a slave, you can't listen to everything she tells you. Sometimes you can actually do what you want 47 00:04:49,370 --> 00:04:54,260 but when you do that, you just apologize to your wife I'm sorry and then you do what you want. 48 00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:09,425 (Questioner) For example, we have a different opinion about vacation. 49 00:05:09,425 --> 00:05:13,922 She loves to go on vocations, but I prefer staying home. 50 00:05:13,922 --> 00:05:16,171 In my view, there is no right or wrong in this situation. 51 00:05:16,171 --> 00:05:18,420 So how can come to decision about this? 52 00:05:23,644 --> 00:05:27,550 (Sunim) If you want to stay married, it's probably better to listen to your wife. 53 00:05:29,352 --> 00:05:30,352 (Audience Laughter) 54 00:05:32,155 --> 00:05:40,012 But if that's too hard, you can get divorced. 55 00:05:40,012 --> 00:05:43,941 It's not a difficult thing. If you get divorced, 56 00:05:43,941 --> 00:05:45,905 you're just back to square one, because before you got married, 57 00:05:45,905 --> 00:05:47,870 you were never married in the first place 58 00:05:58,284 --> 00:06:02,737 Being married is about compromising and finding ways to align perspectives 59 00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,963 with each other. 60 00:06:04,963 --> 00:06:07,190 I mean, that's the process of marriage, right 61 00:06:13,194 --> 00:06:22,032 Marriage is not two people who fully agree on everything coming together and living together. 62 00:06:22,032 --> 00:06:26,451 it's two different people, who don't agree on everything, coming together, learning how to compromise, and stepping back, and simply listening. 63 00:06:26,451 --> 00:06:30,870 Let's just step back and look at how people's relationships form. 64 00:06:36,372 --> 00:06:47,571 When we meet strangers, we don't expect that to be just lie us. 65 00:06:47,571 --> 00:06:53,170 You start talking to a stranger and realize, "Oh, he is Korean too." 66 00:06:53,170 --> 00:06:55,970 and you feel a little closeness. 67 00:06:55,970 --> 00:06:58,770 Then you find out you're both Christians, so you have even more in common 68 00:07:04,207 --> 00:07:09,898 Next, you find out you're from the same hometown or region, 69 00:07:09,898 --> 00:07:12,744 and you become even closer. 70 00:07:12,744 --> 00:07:15,590 You ask for each other's hobbies, and they turn out to be similar. 71 00:07:18,950 --> 00:07:20,630 The more commonalities you share, the friendlier the connection becomes. 72 00:07:29,195 --> 00:07:31,397 Eventually, that relationship may grow into something deeper, 73 00:07:31,397 --> 00:07:33,600 and you become lovers or even get married. 74 00:07:37,316 --> 00:07:41,228 it's kind of fun to think about how your brain functions. 75 00:07:51,561 --> 00:08:10,881 When you find out you have 1, 2, 3 or 10 to 20 things in common, 76 00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:15,711 your brain tends to jump to the conclusion that 77 00:08:15,711 --> 00:08:20,541 everything else will align too. 78 00:08:20,541 --> 00:08:25,371 You think, "We're so alike," and things move forward, maybe even toward marriage. 79 00:08:25,371 --> 00:08:27,786 But when you start to living together, you realize there are differences, 80 00:08:27,786 --> 00:08:28,993 like cleanliness or how spicy the food should be. 81 00:08:31,614 --> 00:08:32,614 And that’s when you see you’re not as similar as you thought. 82 00:08:35,236 --> 00:08:39,990 Then your brain flips and assumes the opposite 83 00:08:39,990 --> 00:08:42,367 that you have nothing in common, that your personalities just don't match, 84 00:08:42,367 --> 00:08:46,328 and you don't like the same things, we can't live together. 85 00:08:46,328 --> 00:08:57,950 That's why sometimes relationships end, because you got married thinking you were so alike. 86 00:09:04,552 --> 00:09:07,566 After a divorced, when you start dating again, 87 00:09:07,566 --> 00:09:10,580 you begin to realize maybe it was a mistake. 88 00:09:26,675 --> 00:09:30,780 Whether you dated for a short time or married after years of dating, 89 00:09:30,780 --> 00:09:34,885 living in a marriage is different. 90 00:09:38,808 --> 00:09:40,769 Of course, you might have less in common with someone 91 00:09:40,769 --> 00:09:42,731 you only dated briefly. 92 00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:54,725 But since your brain hasn't made that assumption that you're completely alike, 93 00:09:54,725 --> 00:09:57,360 you actually start discovering more things in common 94 00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,995 as you live together in marriage 95 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:11,862 It's all about expectation management because when your expectations are lower, you're less disappointed. 96 00:10:11,862 --> 00:10:19,725 But after dating for a long time, your expectation gets really high. 97 00:10:23,860 --> 00:10:29,420 Then, once you're married and live together, 98 00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:32,200 you realize the reality of marriage doesn't quite meet those expectations. 99 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,980 Then your disappointment gets relatively larger. 100 00:10:41,188 --> 00:10:44,124 Whether you marry a stranger or someone you've dated for 10 years, 101 00:10:44,124 --> 00:10:47,060 marriage doesn't turn out that different. 102 00:10:50,695 --> 00:10:53,203 In the past, people often didn't see each other before getting merried, 103 00:10:53,203 --> 00:10:55,712 and divorce was rare. 104 00:11:01,073 --> 00:11:04,931 These days, you date for a long time and even live together 105 00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:08,790 before getting married, yet the divorce rate is sky high. 106 00:11:13,750 --> 00:11:19,495 Marriage is about recognizing that you're different 107 00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:22,367 and still coming together in harmony. 108 00:11:22,367 --> 00:11:25,240 What's the easiest way to compromise? 109 00:11:28,462 --> 00:11:39,690 The easiest way to compromise is for you to give in 110 00:11:39,690 --> 00:11:44,304 because you can chose to do so. 111 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:45,304 112 00:11:45,304 --> 00:11:48,111 The hardest part is trying to make other person follow 113 00:11:48,111 --> 00:11:49,514 your desires and wants. 114 00:11:49,514 --> 00:11:49,865 In that sense, it's not entirely up to you, 115 00:11:49,865 --> 00:11:50,918 it's up to the other person and their preferences. 116 00:11:54,825 --> 00:11:57,347 But most of the times, I see everybody chooses 117 00:11:57,347 --> 00:11:59,870 the most difficult way, not the easiest way. 118 00:12:03,345 --> 00:12:06,790 Spiritual practice is all about following the easiest path. 119 00:12:11,423 --> 00:12:14,866 Since you chose the most difficult path, it's obviously that you're going to be stressed. 120 00:12:14,866 --> 00:12:18,310 So I want you to live with that stress.