[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.92,0:00:04.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,<How To Reconcile Differences\Nin a Marriage>
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.84,0:00:26.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Questioner) I'm getting freer\Nthan before by watching your video.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.72,0:00:35.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much,\Nbut I still have a long way to be free.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.66,0:00:37.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I have a question about that.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.89,0:00:40.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My wife and I have very different\Nperspectives, opinion and also priority in the life.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.12,0:00:42.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For example, she wants me to clean\Nsomething right away,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.36,0:00:44.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I don't want to clean that right away\Nbecause I have other priorities, like I have to cook or something others.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.60,0:00:53.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My question is,\Nshould I try to fit in?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.09,0:00:57.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've asked a lot of people\Nwho have been marriage for a long time,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.33,0:00:59.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they said you have to fit in.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.46,0:01:01.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what if the other persons isn't\Nwilling to fit in?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.58,0:01:10.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't\Nseem to care about this point,.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.07,0:01:14.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm kind of delicate and considerate,\Nbut she's like a general.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.32,0:01:16.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She doesn't think as much about life\Nor things in general,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.44,0:01:18.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while I tend to think\Na lot about everything.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.56,0:01:24.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One thing I want to mention is that\Nin a marriage, we need to have
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.35,0:01:30.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a consensus on almost everrthing.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.14,0:01:33.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to let her be the way she is,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.03,0:01:35.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we still need to reach\Nan agreement on things.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.92,0:01:41.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, we have a different perspectives\Nand wondering how can I handle this.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.79,0:01:55.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Sunim) If you were to get\Nyour way and not clean,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.07,0:01:58.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean you might feel better about it,\Nbut the house is going to be dirty.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.80,0:02:04.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is not beneficial\Nfor the education of your children.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.82,0:02:13.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So in a way, if she's good at cleaning,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.85,0:02:14.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,although I'm not as good\Nor as motivated,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.89,0:02:16.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's a good thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.96,0:02:21.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So you just feel grateful for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.19,0:02:27.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If she didn't ask you to clean,\Nthen it's a good thing, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.40,0:02:29.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so just follow whatever she tells.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.61,0:02:43.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like your friend said just follow\Nwhat your wife tells you ,basically
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.67,0:02:54.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The problem is, if you continue following\Nand doing everything your wife tells you, you'll end up stressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.04,0:03:10.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're really grateful and appreciate\Nhow great she is at cleaning,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.74,0:03:15.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then you just say I'm sorry,\Nbut still hold that gratitude.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.74,0:03:22.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's the best way for you\Nnot to get stressed out.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.66,0:03:35.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But at the same time,\Nyou feel that insistence that you're right,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.15,0:03:37.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's not that important,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.40,0:03:39.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so why get upset or obsessed\Nwith cleaning and stress yourself out?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.85,0:03:48.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the end, getting stressed out is\Nactually worse than keeping a clean house.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.88,0:03:55.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In that sense,\Ndon't listen to your wife
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.08,0:04:08.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it's more important\Nfor you not to get stressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.77,0:04:13.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In that sense, the consequences is that\Nyou have to listen to her negging.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.11,0:04:15.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The question shouldn't be, \N"Way is she nagging me?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.28,0:04:17.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You need to understand that\Nshe has the right to nag,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.82,0:04:23.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so all you can do is apologize.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.27,0:04:29.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's how you should deal with the situation
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.38,0:04:45.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If at all possible, the best solution is to listen to her but since you're not a slave, you can't listen to everything she tells you.\NSometimes you can actually do what you want
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.37,0:04:54.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but when you do that, you just apologize to your wife I'm sorry and then you do what you want.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.43,0:05:09.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Questioner) For example, we have a different opinion about vacation.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.42,0:05:13.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She loves to go on vocations,\Nbut I prefer staying home.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.92,0:05:16.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In my view, there is no right\Nor wrong in this situation.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.17,0:05:18.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So how can come to decision about this?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.64,0:05:27.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Sunim) If you want to stay married,\Nit's probably better to listen to your wife.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.35,0:05:30.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Audience Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.16,0:05:40.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if that's too hard,\Nyou can get divorced.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.01,0:05:43.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not a difficult thing.\NIf you get divorced,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.94,0:05:45.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're just back to square one,\Nbecause before you got married,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.90,0:05:47.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you were never married\Nin the first place
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.28,0:06:02.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Being married is about compromising\Nand finding ways to align perspectives
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.74,0:06:04.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with each other.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.96,0:06:07.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, that's the process\Nof marriage, right
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.19,0:06:22.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Marriage is not two people\Nwho fully agree on everything coming together and living together.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.03,0:06:26.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's two different people, who don't agree on everything, coming together, learning how to compromise, and stepping back, and simply listening.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.45,0:06:30.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's just step back and look at\Nhow people's relationships form.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.37,0:06:47.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we meet strangers,\Nwe don't expect that to be just lie us.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.57,0:06:53.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You start talking to a stranger\Nand realize, "Oh, he is Korean too."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.17,0:06:55.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you feel a little closeness.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.97,0:06:58.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then you find out you're both Christians,\Nso you have even more in common
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.21,0:07:09.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Next, you find out you're\Nfrom the same hometown or region,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.90,0:07:12.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you become even closer.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.74,0:07:15.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You ask for each other's hobbies,\Nand they turn out to be similar.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.95,0:07:20.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The more commonalities you share, \Nthe friendlier the connection becomes.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.20,0:07:31.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Eventually, that relationship may grow\Ninto something deeper,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.40,0:07:33.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you become lovers\Nor even get married.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.32,0:07:41.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's kind of fun to think about\Nhow your brain functions.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.56,0:08:10.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you find out you have\N1, 2, 3 or 10 to 20 things in common,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.88,0:08:15.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your brain tends to jump\Nto the conclusion that
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.71,0:08:20.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everything else will align too.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.54,0:08:25.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You think, "We're so alike," and things move forward, maybe even toward marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.37,0:08:27.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But when you start to living together,\Nyou realize there are differences,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.79,0:08:28.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like cleanliness or how spicy\Nthe food should be.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.61,0:08:32.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that’s when you see\Nyou’re not as similar as you thought.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.24,0:08:39.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then your brain flips\Nand assumes the opposite
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.99,0:08:42.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you have nothing in common,\Nthat your personalities just don't match,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.37,0:08:46.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you don't like the same things,\Nwe can't live together.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.33,0:08:57.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's why sometimes relationships end, because you got married thinking you were so alike.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.55,0:09:07.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After a divorced,\Nwhen you start dating again,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.57,0:09:10.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you begin to realize\Nmaybe it was a mistake.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.68,0:09:30.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whether you dated for a short time\Nor married after years of dating,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.78,0:09:34.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,living in a marriage is different.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.81,0:09:40.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Of course, you might have less\Nin common with someone
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.77,0:09:42.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you only dated briefly.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.46,0:09:54.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But since your brain hasn't made\Nthat assumption that you're completely alike,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.72,0:09:57.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you actually start discovering\Nmore things in common
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.36,0:09:59.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as you live together in marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:10:04.00,0:10:11.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's all about expectation management\Nbecause when your expectations are lower, you're less disappointed.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.86,0:10:19.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But after dating for a long time,\Nyour expectation gets really high.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:23.86,0:10:29.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then, once you're married\Nand live together,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.42,0:10:32.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you realize the reality of marriage\Ndoesn't quite meet those expectations.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:32.20,0:10:34.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then your disappointment\Ngets relatively larger.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:41.19,0:10:44.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whether you marry a stranger\Nor someone you've dated for 10 years,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:44.12,0:10:47.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,marriage doesn't turn out that different.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.70,0:10:53.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the past, people often didn't see\Neach other before getting merried,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.20,0:10:55.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and divorce was rare.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.07,0:11:04.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These days, you date for a long time\Nand even live together
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.93,0:11:08.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,before getting married,\Nyet the divorce rate is sky high.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.75,0:11:19.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Marriage is about recognizing\Nthat you're different
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.50,0:11:22.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and still coming together in harmony.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.37,0:11:25.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's the easiest way to compromise?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.46,0:11:39.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The easiest way to compromise is\Nfor you to give in
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.69,0:11:44.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because you can chose to do so.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.30,0:11:45.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.30,0:11:48.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The hardest part is trying\Nto make other person follow
Dialogue: 0,0:11:48.11,0:11:49.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your desires and wants.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.51,0:11:49.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In that sense,\Nit's not entirely up to you,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.86,0:11:50.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's up to the other person\Nand their preferences.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.82,0:11:57.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But most of the times,\NI see everybody chooses
Dialogue: 0,0:11:57.35,0:11:59.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the most difficult way,\Nnot the easiest way.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.34,0:12:06.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Spiritual practice is\Nall about following the easiest path.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.42,0:12:14.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Since you chose the most difficult path, it's \Nobviously that you're going to be stressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.87,0:12:18.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I want you to live with that stress.