WEBVTT 00:00:03.920 --> 00:00:04.920 <How To Reconcile Differences in a Marriage> 00:00:08.840 --> 00:00:26.717 (Questioner) I'm getting freer than before by watching your video. 00:00:26.717 --> 00:00:35.656 Thank you so much, but I still have a long way to be free. 00:00:35.656 --> 00:00:37.890 So I have a question about that. 00:00:37.890 --> 00:00:40.125 My wife and I have very different perspectives, opinion and also priority in the life. 00:00:40.125 --> 00:00:42.360 For example, she wants me to clean something right away, 00:00:42.360 --> 00:00:44.595 but I don't want to clean that right away because I have other priorities, like I have to cook or something others. 00:00:44.595 --> 00:00:53.087 My question is, should I try to fit in? 00:00:53.087 --> 00:00:57.333 I've asked a lot of people who have been marriage for a long time, 00:00:57.333 --> 00:00:59.456 and they said you have to fit in. 00:00:59.456 --> 00:01:01.580 But what if the other persons isn't willing to fit in? 00:01:01.580 --> 00:01:10.072 Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't seem to care about this point,. 00:01:10.072 --> 00:01:14.318 I'm kind of delicate and considerate, but she's like a general. 00:01:14.318 --> 00:01:16.441 She doesn't think as much about life or things in general, 00:01:16.441 --> 00:01:18.565 while I tend to think a lot about everything. 00:01:18.565 --> 00:01:24.351 One thing I want to mention is that in a marriage, we need to have 00:01:24.351 --> 00:01:30.137 a consensus on almost everrthing. 00:01:30.137 --> 00:01:33.030 I want to let her be the way she is, 00:01:33.030 --> 00:01:35.923 but we still need to reach an agreement on things. 00:01:35.923 --> 00:01:41.710 So, we have a different perspectives and wondering how can I handle this. 00:01:51.791 --> 00:01:55.070 (Sunim) If you were to get your way and not clean, 00:01:55.070 --> 00:01:58.350 I mean you might feel better about it, but the house is going to be dirty. 00:02:01.805 --> 00:02:04.755 That is not beneficial for the education of your children. 00:02:12.816 --> 00:02:13.853 So in a way, if she's good at cleaning, 00:02:13.853 --> 00:02:14.890 although I'm not as good or as motivated, 00:02:14.890 --> 00:02:16.965 that's a good thing. 00:02:16.965 --> 00:02:21.115 So you just feel grateful for it. 00:02:25.188 --> 00:02:27.398 If she didn't ask you to clean, then it's a good thing, right? 00:02:27.398 --> 00:02:29.609 so just follow whatever she tells. 00:02:29.609 --> 00:02:43.785 Like your friend said just follow what your wife tells you ,basically 00:02:48.672 --> 00:02:54.264 The problem is, if you continue following and doing everything your wife tells you, you'll end up stressed. 00:03:06.035 --> 00:03:10.737 If you're really grateful and appreciate how great she is at cleaning, 00:03:10.737 --> 00:03:15.440 then you just say I'm sorry, but still hold that gratitude. 00:03:19.740 --> 00:03:22.447 It's the best way for you not to get stressed out. 00:03:30.660 --> 00:03:35.152 But at the same time, you feel that insistence that you're right, 00:03:35.152 --> 00:03:37.398 it's not that important, 00:03:37.398 --> 00:03:39.644 so why get upset or obsessed with cleaning and stress yourself out? 00:03:43.850 --> 00:03:48.657 In the end, getting stressed out is actually worse than keeping a clean house. 00:03:51.880 --> 00:03:55.575 In that sense, don't listen to your wife 00:04:00.082 --> 00:04:08.769 because it's more important for you not to get stressed. 00:04:08.769 --> 00:04:13.112 In that sense, the consequences is that you have to listen to her negging. 00:04:13.112 --> 00:04:15.284 The question shouldn't be, "Way is she nagging me?" 00:04:15.284 --> 00:04:17.456 You need to understand that she has the right to nag, 00:04:20.818 --> 00:04:23.125 so all you can do is apologize. 00:04:27.270 --> 00:04:29.270 That's how you should deal with the situation 00:04:32.380 --> 00:04:45.780 If at all possible, the best solution is to listen to her but since you're not a slave, you can't listen to everything she tells you. Sometimes you can actually do what you want 00:04:49.370 --> 00:04:54.260 but when you do that, you just apologize to your wife I'm sorry and then you do what you want. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:00.430 --> 00:05:09.425 (Questioner) For example, we have a different opinion about vacation. 00:05:09.425 --> 00:05:13.922 She loves to go on vocations, but I prefer staying home. 00:05:13.922 --> 00:05:16.171 In my view, there is no right or wrong in this situation. 00:05:16.171 --> 00:05:18.420 So how can come to decision about this? 00:05:23.644 --> 00:05:27.550 (Sunim) If you want to stay married, it's probably better to listen to your wife. 00:05:29.352 --> 00:05:30.352 (Audience Laughter) 00:05:32.155 --> 00:05:40.012 But if that's too hard, you can get divorced. 00:05:40.012 --> 00:05:43.941 It's not a difficult thing. If you get divorced, 00:05:43.941 --> 00:05:45.905 you're just back to square one, because before you got married, 00:05:45.905 --> 00:05:47.870 you were never married in the first place 00:05:58.284 --> 00:06:02.737 Being married is about compromising and finding ways to align perspectives 00:06:02.737 --> 00:06:04.963 with each other. 00:06:04.963 --> 00:06:07.190 I mean, that's the process of marriage, right 00:06:13.194 --> 00:06:22.032 Marriage is not two people who fully agree on everything coming together and living together. 00:06:22.032 --> 00:06:26.451 it's two different people, who don't agree on everything, coming together, learning how to compromise, and stepping back, and simply listening. 00:06:26.451 --> 00:06:30.870 Let's just step back and look at how people's relationships form. 00:06:36.372 --> 00:06:47.571 When we meet strangers, we don't expect that to be just lie us. 00:06:47.571 --> 00:06:53.170 You start talking to a stranger and realize, "Oh, he is Korean too." 00:06:53.170 --> 00:06:55.970 and you feel a little closeness. 00:06:55.970 --> 00:06:58.770 Then you find out you're both Christians, so you have even more in common 00:07:04.207 --> 00:07:09.898 Next, you find out you're from the same hometown or region, 00:07:09.898 --> 00:07:12.744 and you become even closer. 00:07:12.744 --> 00:07:15.590 You ask for each other's hobbies, and they turn out to be similar. 00:07:18.950 --> 00:07:20.630 The more commonalities you share, the friendlier the connection becomes. 00:07:29.195 --> 00:07:31.397 Eventually, that relationship may grow into something deeper, 00:07:31.397 --> 00:07:33.600 and you become lovers or even get married. 00:07:37.316 --> 00:07:41.228 it's kind of fun to think about how your brain functions. 00:07:51.561 --> 00:08:10.881 When you find out you have 1, 2, 3 or 10 to 20 things in common, 00:08:10.881 --> 00:08:15.711 your brain tends to jump to the conclusion that 00:08:15.711 --> 00:08:20.541 everything else will align too. 00:08:20.541 --> 00:08:25.371 You think, "We're so alike," and things move forward, maybe even toward marriage. 00:08:25.371 --> 00:08:27.786 But when you start to living together, you realize there are differences, 00:08:27.786 --> 00:08:28.993 like cleanliness or how spicy the food should be. 00:08:31.614 --> 00:08:32.614 And that’s when you see you’re not as similar as you thought. 00:08:35.236 --> 00:08:39.990 Then your brain flips and assumes the opposite 00:08:39.990 --> 00:08:42.367 that you have nothing in common, that your personalities just don't match, 00:08:42.367 --> 00:08:46.328 and you don't like the same things, we can't live together. 00:08:46.328 --> 00:08:57.950 That's why sometimes relationships end, because you got married thinking you were so alike. 00:09:04.552 --> 00:09:07.566 After a divorced, when you start dating again, 00:09:07.566 --> 00:09:10.580 you begin to realize maybe it was a mistake. 00:09:26.675 --> 00:09:30.780 Whether you dated for a short time or married after years of dating, 00:09:30.780 --> 00:09:34.885 living in a marriage is different. 00:09:38.808 --> 00:09:40.769 Of course, you might have less in common with someone 00:09:40.769 --> 00:09:42.731 you only dated briefly. 00:09:49.456 --> 00:09:54.725 But since your brain hasn't made that assumption that you're completely alike, 00:09:54.725 --> 00:09:57.360 you actually start discovering more things in common 00:09:57.360 --> 00:09:59.995 as you live together in marriage 00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:11.862 It's all about expectation management because when your expectations are lower, you're less disappointed. 00:10:11.862 --> 00:10:19.725 But after dating for a long time, your expectation gets really high. 00:10:23.860 --> 00:10:29.420 Then, once you're married and live together, 00:10:29.420 --> 00:10:32.200 you realize the reality of marriage doesn't quite meet those expectations. 00:10:32.200 --> 00:10:34.980 Then your disappointment gets relatively larger. 00:10:41.188 --> 00:10:44.124 Whether you marry a stranger or someone you've dated for 10 years, 00:10:44.124 --> 00:10:47.060 marriage doesn't turn out that different. 00:10:50.695 --> 00:10:53.203 In the past, people often didn't see each other before getting merried, 00:10:53.203 --> 00:10:55.712 and divorce was rare. 00:11:01.073 --> 00:11:04.931 These days, you date for a long time and even live together 00:11:04.931 --> 00:11:08.790 before getting married, yet the divorce rate is sky high. 00:11:13.750 --> 00:11:19.495 Marriage is about recognizing that you're different 00:11:19.495 --> 00:11:22.367 and still coming together in harmony. 00:11:22.367 --> 00:11:25.240 What's the easiest way to compromise? 00:11:28.462 --> 00:11:39.690 The easiest way to compromise is for you to give in 00:11:39.690 --> 00:11:44.304 because you can chose to do so. 00:11:44.304 --> 00:11:45.304 00:11:45.304 --> 00:11:48.111 The hardest part is trying to make other person follow 00:11:48.111 --> 00:11:49.514 your desires and wants. 00:11:49.514 --> 00:11:49.865 In that sense, it's not entirely up to you, 00:11:49.865 --> 00:11:50.918 it's up to the other person and their preferences. 00:11:54.825 --> 00:11:57.347 But most of the times, I see everybody chooses 00:11:57.347 --> 00:11:59.870 the most difficult way, not the easiest way. 00:12:03.345 --> 00:12:06.790 Spiritual practice is all about following the easiest path. 00:12:11.423 --> 00:12:14.866 Since you chose the most difficult path, it's obviously that you're going to be stressed. 00:12:14.866 --> 00:12:18.310 So I want you to live with that stress.