<How To Reconcile Differences in a Marriage>
(Questioner) I'm getting freer than before by watching your video.
Thank you so much, but I still have a long way to be free.
So I have a question about that.
My wife and I have very different perspectives, opinion and also priority in the life.
For example, she wants me to clean something right away,
but I don't want to clean that right away because I have other priorities, like I have to cook or something others.
My question is, should I try to fit in?
I've asked a lot of people who have been marriage for a long time,
and they said you have to fit in.
But what if the other persons isn't willing to fit in?
Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't seem to care about this point,.
I'm kind of delicate and considerate, but she's like a general.
She doesn't think as much about life or things in general,
while I tend to think a lot about everything.
One thing I want to mention is that in a marriage, we need to have
a consensus on almost everrthing.
I want to let her be the way she is,
but we still need to reach an agreement on things.
So, we have a different perspectives and wondering how can I handle this.
(Sunim) If you were to get your way and not clean,
I mean you might feel better about it, but the house is going to be dirty.
That is not beneficial for the education of your children.
So in a way, if she's good at cleaning,
although I'm not as good or as motivated,
that's a good thing.
So you just feel grateful for it.
If she didn't ask you to clean, then it's a good thing, right?
so just follow whatever she tells.
Like your friend said just follow what your wife tells you ,basically
The problem is, if you continue following and doing everything your wife tells you, you'll end up stressed.
If you're really grateful and appreciate how great she is at cleaning,
then you just say I'm sorry, but still hold that gratitude.
It's the best way for you not to get stressed out.
But at the same time, you feel that insistence that you're right,
it's not that important,
so why get upset or obsessed with cleaning and stress yourself out?
In the end, getting stressed out is actually worse than keeping a clean house.
In that sense, don't listen to your wife
because it's more important for you not to get stressed.
In that sense, the consequences is that you have to listen to her negging.
The question shouldn't be, "Way is she nagging me?"
You need to understand that she has the right to nag,
so all you can do is apologize.
That's how you should deal with the situation
If at all possible, the best solution is to listen to her but since you're not a slave, you can't listen to everything she tells you. Sometimes you can actually do what you want
but when you do that, you just apologize to your wife I'm sorry and then you do what you want.
(Questioner) For example, we have a different opinion about vacation.
She loves to go on vocations, but I prefer staying home.
In my view, there is no right or wrong in this situation.
So how can come to decision about this?
(Sunim) If you want to stay married, it's probably better to listen to your wife.
(Audience Laughter)
But if that's too hard, you can get divorced.
It's not a difficult thing. If you get divorced,
you're just back to square one, because before you got married,
you were never married in the first place
Being married is about compromising and finding ways to align perspectives
with each other.
I mean, that's the process of marriage, right
Marriage is not two people who fully agree on everything coming together and living together.
it's two different people, who don't agree on everything, coming together, learning how to compromise, and stepping back, and simply listening.
Let's just step back and look at how people's relationships form.
When we meet strangers, we don't expect that to be just lie us.
You start talking to a stranger and realize, "Oh, he is Korean too."
and you feel a little closeness.
Then you find out you're both Christians, so you have even more in common
Next, you find out you're from the same hometown or region,
and you become even closer.
You ask for each other's hobbies, and they turn out to be similar.
The more commonalities you share, the friendlier the connection becomes.
Eventually, that relationship may grow into something deeper,
and you become lovers or even get married.
it's kind of fun to think about how your brain functions.
When you find out you have 1, 2, 3 or 10 to 20 things in common,
your brain tends to jump to the conclusion that
everything else will align too.
You think, "We're so alike," and things move forward, maybe even toward marriage.
But when you start to living together, you realize there are differences,
like cleanliness or how spicy the food should be.
And that’s when you see you’re not as similar as you thought.
Then your brain flips and assumes the opposite
that you have nothing in common, that your personalities just don't match,
and you don't like the same things, we can't live together.
That's why sometimes relationships end, because you got married thinking you were so alike.
After a divorced, when you start dating again,
you begin to realize maybe it was a mistake.
Whether you dated for a short time or married after years of dating,
living in a marriage is different.
Of course, you might have less in common with someone
you only dated briefly.
But since your brain hasn't made that assumption that you're completely alike,
you actually start discovering more things in common
as you live together in marriage
It's all about expectation management because when your expectations are lower, you're less disappointed.
But after dating for a long time, your expectation gets really high.
Then, once you're married and live together,
you realize the reality of marriage doesn't quite meet those expectations.
Then your disappointment gets relatively larger.
Whether you marry a stranger or someone you've dated for 10 years,
marriage doesn't turn out that different.
In the past, people often didn't see each other before getting merried,
and divorce was rare.
These days, you date for a long time and even live together
before getting married, yet the divorce rate is sky high.
Marriage is about recognizing that you're different
and still coming together in harmony.
What's the easiest way to compromise?
The easiest way to compromise is for you to give in
because you can chose to do so.
The hardest part is trying to make other person follow
your desires and wants.
In that sense, it's not entirely up to you,
it's up to the other person and their preferences.
But most of the times, I see everybody chooses
the most difficult way, not the easiest way.
Spiritual practice is all about following the easiest path.
Since you chose the most difficult path, it's obviously that you're going to be stressed.
So I want you to live with that stress.