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<How To Reconcile Differences[br]in a Marriage>

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(Questioner) I'm getting freer[br]than before by watching your video.

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Thank you so much,[br]but I still have a long way to be free.

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So I have a question about that.

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My wife and I have very different[br]perspectives, opinion and also priority in the life.

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For example, she wants me to clean[br]something right away,

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but I don't want to clean that right away[br]because I have other priorities, like I have to cook or something others.

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My question is,[br]should I try to fit in?

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I've asked a lot of people[br]who have been marriage for a long time,

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and they said you have to fit in.

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But what if the other persons isn't[br]willing to fit in?

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Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't[br]seem to care about this point,.

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I'm kind of delicate and considerate,[br]but she's like a general.

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She doesn't think as much about life[br]or things in general,

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while I tend to think[br]a lot about everything.

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One thing I want to mention is that[br]in a marriage, we need to have

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a consensus on almost everrthing.

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I want to let her be the way she is,

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but we still need to reach[br]an agreement on things.

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So, we have a different perspectives[br]and wondering how can I handle this.

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(Sunim) If you were to get[br]your way and not clean,

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I mean you might feel better about it,[br]but the house is going to be dirty.

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That is not beneficial[br]for the education of your children.

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So in a way, if she's good at cleaning,

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although I'm not as good[br]or as motivated,

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that's a good thing.

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So you just feel grateful for it.

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If she didn't ask you to clean,[br]then it's a good thing, right?

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so just follow whatever she tells you.

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Like your friend said, just follow[br]what your wife tells you ,basically.

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The problem is, if you continue[br]following and doing everything

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your wife tells you,[br]you'll end up stressed.

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If you're really grateful and appreciate[br]how great she is at cleaning,

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then you just say I'm sorry,[br]but still hold that gratitude.

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It's the best way for you[br]not to get stressed out.

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But at the same time,[br]you feel that insistence that you're right,

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it's not that important,

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so why get upset or obsessed[br]with cleaning and stress yourself out.

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In the end, getting stressed out is[br]actually worse than keeping a clean house.

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In that sense,[br]don't listen to your wife

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because it's more important[br]for you not to get stressed.

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In that sense, the consequences is that[br]you have to listen to her negging.

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The question shouldn't be, [br]"Way is she nagging me?"

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You need to understand that[br]she has the right to nag,

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so all you can do is apologize,[br]for example.

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That's how you should deal[br]with the situation

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If at all possible,[br]the best solution is to listen to her,

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but since you're not a slave,[br]you can't listen to everything she tells you.

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Sometimes you can actually do[br]what you want

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When you do that, you just apologize[br]to your wife I'm sorry,

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and then you do what you want.

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(Sunim) Do you have any follow up?

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(Questioner) For example, we have[br]a different opinion about vacation.

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She loves to go on vocations,[br]but I prefer staying home.

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In my view, there is no right[br]or wrong in this situation.

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So, how can come to decision about this?

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(Sunim) If you want to stay married,[br]it's probably better to listen to your wife.

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(Audience Laughter)

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But if that's too hard,[br]you can get divorced.

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It's not a difficult thing.

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If you get divorced,[br]you're just back to square one,

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because before you got married,[br]you're never married in the first place.

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Being married is about[br]compromising and finding ways

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to align perspectives[br]with each other.

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I mean, that's the process[br]of marriage, right?

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Marriage is not two people[br]who fully agree on everything

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coming together and living together.

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It's two different people,[br]who don't agree on everything,

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coming together, [br]learning how to compromise,

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stepping back, and simply listening.

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Let's just step back and look at[br]how people's relationships form.

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When we meet strangers,[br]we don't expect them to be just like us.

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You start talking to a stranger[br]and realize, "Oh, he is Korean too."

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and you feel a little closeness.

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Then you find out you're both Christians,[br]so you have even more in common.

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Next, you find out you're[br]from the same hometown or region,

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and you become even closer.

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You ask for each other's hobbies,[br]and they turn out to be similar.

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The more commonalities you share, [br]the friendlier the connection becomes.

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Eventually, that relationship may grow[br]into something deeper,

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and you become lovers[br]or even get married.

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it's kind of fun to think about[br]how your brain functions.

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When you find out you have 1, 2, 3[br]or 10 to 20 things in common,

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your brain tends to jump[br]to the conclusion that everything will align.

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You think, "We're so alike," and things move forward, maybe even toward marriage.

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But when you start to living together,[br]you realize there are differences,

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like cleanliness or how spicy[br]the food should be.

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And that’s when you see[br]you’re not as similar as you thought.

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Then your brain flips[br]and assumes the opposite

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that you have nothing in common,[br]that your personalities just don't match,

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and you don't like the same things,[br]we can't live together.

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That's why sometimes relationships end, because you got married thinking you were so alike.

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After a divorced,[br]when you start dating again,

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you begin to realize[br]maybe it was a mistake.

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Whether you dated for a short time[br]or married after years of dating,

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living in a marriage is different.

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Of course, you might have less[br]in common with someone

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you only dated briefly.

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But since your brain hasn't made[br]that assumption that you're completely alike,

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you actually start discovering[br]more things in common

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as you live together in marriage

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It's all about expectation management[br]because when your expectations are lower, you're less disappointed.

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But after dating for a long time,[br]your expectation gets really high.

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Then, once you're married[br]and live together,

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you realize the reality of marriage[br]doesn't quite meet those expectations.

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Then your disappointment[br]gets relatively larger.

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Whether you marry a stranger[br]or someone you've dated for 10 years,

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marriage doesn't turn out that different.

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In the past, people often didn't see[br]each other before getting merried,

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and divorce was rare.

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These days, you date for a long time[br]and even live together

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before getting married,[br]yet the divorce rate is sky high.

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Marriage is about recognizing[br]that you're different

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and still coming together in harmony.

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What's the easiest way to compromise?

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The easiest way to compromise is[br]for you to give in

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because you can chose to do so.

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The hardest part is trying[br]to make other person follow

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your desires and wants.

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In that sense,[br]it's not entirely up to you,

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it's up to the other person[br]and their preferences.

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But most of the times,[br]I see everybody chooses

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the most difficult way,[br]not the easiest way.

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Spiritual practice is[br]all about following the easiest path.

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Since you chose the most difficult path, it's [br]obviously that you're going to be stressed.

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So I want you to live with that stress.