WEBVTT

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- From the developer known
for a bunch of games

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that are almost Dungeons and Dragons

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comes the second great take
on D&D this year

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and the most accurate D&D
video game to date

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because the main characters
are a bunch of horny losers

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that can't seem to do anything right.

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Baldur's Gate 3.

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Experience the buggiest open-world
game on the market

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until two weeks from now,
when Starfield comes out

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as you journey once more
into the world of Faerun,

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a magical land of fantasy,
where everyone wants to [bleep] you,

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including all the perverts in your party,
the sexy wildlife --

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but mostly your own dice.

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Other than that though,
Faerun isn't too different

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from the real world
because everyone needs

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a long rest and has
a serious case of brain worms.

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Search the land for a way to get rid
of the worst hitchhiker of all time,

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a wriggling mind flayer tadpole
that got plopped into your peeper,

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which you have to fight
against the influence of

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while trying to figure out
how to remove it

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from your brain without dying

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as your quest to pluck it out
has you trying everything

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from homeopathic druid medicine,
to Githyanki torture chambers,

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to just picking up a drifter
and letting him go to town

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on your face with an icepick.

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Why can I not summon health insurance?!

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[Inaudible] your way through
every fantasy ride you start

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with a robust character creation system

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that, like D&D itself,
lets you create whatever

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freak of nature your brain can conjure --

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so long as it has 
one of six genitalia options.

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Then decide whether to be a brain,
an athlete, a basketcase,

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a princess, a criminal,
or someone who's completely

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[bleep] useless.

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- [Inaudible]

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The Breakfast Club.

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- After which, you'll level up
with powerful new tadpole skills

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and an impressive case 
of not beating them

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and therefore joining them

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by using the parasites in your head

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to learn stuff like "push"
and "migraine"

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as all your companions tell you about
how bad of an idea it is

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to listen to your literal dark passenger.

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- I think we should resist these powers.

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There are simply too many
unknowns for us to risk it.

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- But you can always just peer pressure
into going full slug-mode with you.

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Come on, Shadowheart! 
Embrace the worm!

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All the cool kids are doing it!

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- Well... perhaps you have a point.

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- Gather up your intrepid adventurers 
in single-player mode

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like a team of sexy Pokémon

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and use their combined skills
like you would in real life,

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trying to have conversations
that don't end in death threats,

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then once things inevitably 
go off the rails,

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try to remember all your different moves
as you shove, stab,

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and magic trick your way
through the incoming hordes.

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- A legion, Michael.
- Hmm.

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- [Inaudible] for money.

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- And if that doesn't work,
you can cast the strongest spell

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in the game -- save scumming.

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Wait, it's been two hours
since I remembered to save?

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What kind of game makes you
manually save in 2023?

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Once you've decided to give up
on babysitting a bunch of NPCs,

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bring your real life D&D group
into the virtual world

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and watch them make
the same infuriating choices

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that they do IRL,

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steal all the loot for themselves,

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and pick the most bonkers dialogue options

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just to see if they can make you
actually explode for real.

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Hey, if you're lucky,
this'll go exactly like

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an actual tabletop session
and everyone will make excuses

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to bail out of the campaign
after a couple weeks for some reason.

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- [Inaudible] everything
we've been looking for.

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- Go up against the scariest enemy
of the game --

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the U.I. --

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with so many inventories to manage,
that it feels like looking

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at a Candy Crush level,

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tooltips on tooltips on tooltips,

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and row after row 
of skills and spells

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to make you just shrug
and use whatever's in your hand

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at the time.

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What?

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[Inaudible] Excel sheets
in the middle of a war zone.

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So grab a 20-sided die
and get ready to roll

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the most nat ones
you've ever seen in your life

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in a truly massive gaming experience

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that will appeal to both old
and new fans of the series

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thanks to its intriguing story,
fun characters,

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and thrilling battles,
all coming together

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to make an impressive approximation
of a real D&D campaign

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run by the worst DM
in the entire [bleep] world.

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Starring:

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Emily the Strange,

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Devil May Thighs,

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Crank 2: High Voltage,
But With Magic,

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Gethin' Busy,

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I can't believe this sparkly twink
rejected me,

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Wyll Nye the Demon Guy,

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Papa Bear,

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the MVP of celebrity
video game VAs,

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and whatever your specific fetish
happens to be.

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Baldur's Game 3:
Critical Hole.

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Casuals have sex with a bear.

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Real gamers seduce the emperor 
of the mind flayers.

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Comment below on what you
want to hear in my epic voice

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and check out these other 
epic gaming videos on GameSpot.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
They mostly come at night. Mostly.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Don't call me Ratatouille.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
How many Lowe's
could Rob Lowe rob

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe's?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
How's about maybe a thanks
for saving you from what appears to be,

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I don't know, some kind 
of sci-fi sideburn dimension?

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I'm rotating a ferret.