- From the developer known for a bunch of games
that are almost Dungeons and Dragons
comes the second great take on D&D this year
and the most accurate D&D video game to date
because the main characters are a bunch of horny losers
that can't seem to do anything right.
Baldur's Gate 3.
Experience the buggiest open-world game on the market
until two weeks from now, when Starfield comes out
as you journey once more into the world of Faerun,
a magical land of fantasy, where everyone wants to [bleep] you,
including all the perverts in your party, the sexy wildlife --
but mostly your own dice.
Other than that though, Faerun isn't too different
from the real world because everyone needs
a long rest and has a serious case of brain worms.
Search the land for a way to get rid of the worst hitchhiker of all time,
a wriggling mind flayer tadpole that got plopped into your peeper,
which you have to fight against the influence of
while trying to figure out how to remove it
from your brain without dying
as your quest to pluck it out has you trying everything
from homeopathic druid medicine, to Githyanki torture chambers,
to just picking up a drifter and letting him go to town
on your face with an icepick.
Why can I not summon health insurance?!
[Inaudible] your way through every fantasy ride you start
with a robust character creation system
that, like D&D itself, lets you create whatever
freak of nature your brain can conjure --
so long as it has one of six genitalia options.
Then decide whether to be a brain, an athlete, a basketcase,
a princess, a criminal, or someone who's completely
[bleep] useless.
- [Inaudible]
The Breakfast Club.
- After which, you'll level up with powerful new tadpole skills
and an impressive case of not beating them
and therefore joining them
by using the parasites in your head
to learn stuff like "push" and "migraine"
as all your companions tell you about how bad of an idea it is
to listen to your literal dark passenger.
- I think we should resist these powers.
There are simply too many unknowns for us to risk it.
- But you can always just peer pressure into going full slug-mode with you.
Come on, Shadowheart! Embrace the worm!
All the cool kids are doing it!
- Well... perhaps you have a point.
- Gather up your intrepid adventurers in single-player mode
like a team of sexy Pokémon
and use their combined skills like you would in real life,
trying to have conversations that don't end in death threats,
then once things inevitably go off the rails,
try to remember all your different moves as you shove, stab,
and magic trick your way through the incoming hordes.
- A legion, Michael. - Hmm.
- [Inaudible] for money.
- And if that doesn't work, you can cast the strongest spell
in the game -- save scumming.
Wait, it's been two hours since I remembered to save?
What kind of game makes you manually save in 2023?
Once you've decided to give up on babysitting a bunch of NPCs,
bring your real life D&D group into the virtual world
and watch them make the same infuriating choices
that they do IRL,
steal all the loot for themselves,
and pick the most bonkers dialogue options
just to see if they can make you actually explode for real.
Hey, if you're lucky, this'll go exactly like
an actual tabletop session and everyone will make excuses
to bail out of the campaign after a couple weeks for some reason.
- [Inaudible] everything we've been looking for.
- Go up against the scariest enemy of the game --
the U.I. --
with so many inventories to manage, that it feels like looking
at a Candy Crush level,
tooltips on tooltips on tooltips,
and row after row of skills and spells
to make you just shrug and use whatever's in your hand
at the time.
What?
[Inaudible] Excel sheets in the middle of a war zone.
So grab a 20-sided die and get ready to roll
the most nat ones you've ever seen in your life
in a truly massive gaming experience
that will appeal to both old and new fans of the series
thanks to its intriguing story, fun characters,
and thrilling battles, all coming together
to make an impressive approximation of a real D&D campaign
run by the worst DM in the entire [bleep] world.
Starring:
Emily the Strange,
Devil May Thighs,
Crank 2: High Voltage, But With Magic,
Gethin' Busy,
I can't believe this sparkly twink rejected me,
Wyll Nye the Demon Guy,
Papa Bear,
the MVP of celebrity video game VAs,
and whatever your specific fetish happens to be.
Baldur's Game 3: Critical Hole.
Casuals have sex with a bear.
Real gamers seduce the emperor of the mind flayers.
Comment below on what you want to hear in my epic voice
and check out these other epic gaming videos on GameSpot.
They mostly come at night. Mostly.
Don't call me Ratatouille.
How many Lowe's could Rob Lowe rob
if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe's?
How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be,
I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension?
I'm rotating a ferret.