[Knocking at the door]
Oh Dad, look who's come to see us,
it's our Ken!
About bloody time if you ask me.
Aren't you pleased to see me, Father?
Yes, 'course he's pleased to see you Ken.
Alright, woman, alright.
I've got a tongue in me 'ead. I'll do t'talking.
Bly....I like your fancy suit.
Is that what they're wearing up in Yorkshire now?
It's just an ordinary suit Father.
It's all I've got apart from the overalls.
How do you like it down the mine, Ken?
Oh, it's not too bad Mum.
We're using some new tungsten carbide drills for the preliminary coal-face scouring operations.
Ooh, that sounds nice dear!
Tungsten carbide drills?
What the bloody hell's tungsten carbide drills?
It's something they use in coal mining, Father.
'It's something they use in coal mining Father,'
you bloody fancy talk since you left London.
Not that again.
He's 'ad an 'ard day, dear,
'is new play opens at t'National Theatre tomorrow!
Oh, that's good.
Good! Good?
What do you know about it?
What do you know about getting up at five o'clock in morning to fly to Paris,
back at the Old Vic for drinks at twelve,
sweating the day through press interviews,
television interviews,
then gettin' back here at ten
to wrestle with the problem of an 'omosexual
nymphomaniac drug addict,
involving the ritual murder
of a well-known Scottish footballer.
That's a full working day, lad.
And don't you forget it!
Oh, don't shout at the boy, Father -
'Ampstead wasn't good enough for you, was it?
You 'ad to go poncin' off to Barnsley!
You and yer coal mining friends.
Coal mining is a wonderful thing, Father.
But it's something you'll never understand.
Just look at you!
Oh Ken!
Be careful,
you know what he's like
after a few novels!
Come on lad, come on
out wi' it.
What's wrong with me?
Yer TIT!
I'll tell you what's wrong with you,
your head's addled with novels and poems
You come home every evening
reading your Chateau Notore
And look what you've done to mother -
she's fed up with meeting film stars,
attending premieres
and giving gala lunches!
There's NOWT WRONG wi' gala luncheons, lad
I've 'ad more gala luncheons than you've 'ad 'ot dinners!
Please, please!
Aaargh!
Oh no!
What is it?
It's 'is writer's cramp!
You never told me about this.
No, we didn't like to Ken -
I'm alright, I'm alright woman,
just get 'im out o' here.
Oh Ken, you'd better go.
Alright, I'm going.
After all we've done for 'im.
One day you'll realise there's more to life than culture.
There's dirt and smoke -
Get out -
- and good honest sweat!
Get out you little labourer!
'Ey, you know Mother,
I reckon there's a play there.
Get agent on phone.
Aye, I think yer right, Frank,
it could express,
it could express a vital theme of our age.
Oh shut up!
Shut up!
Ah, that's better.
Now for something completely different,
a man with 3 buttocks.
-We've done that!
Alright, alright!
A man wiv... nine legs
-Hah! He ran away!
Oh bloody 'ell.
Erm...
a Scotsman on a horse!
^ Bagpipes play fast melody
[ HORSE WHINNIES ]
[ CLAPPING ]
[ STUTTERING FARTY NOISE ]
[ CLAPPING ]
Harold! Come back Harold.
'Arold, come back!
Harold!
Oh blast!
[ Swanee whistle ]
[ RASPBERRY ]