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{Applause} 
Costello: How do you like my long club Lou?

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Abbott: Hey all those people going to be at the game today?

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Costello: Certainly! Wow! It's going to be a whopper of a game!

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Abbott: Well, It should be!

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Costello: Hey Abbott, I understand they made you the manager of this here baseball team.

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Abbott: Why not? So you're the manager? 
Costello: I'm the manager.

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Abbott: Well you know, I'd like to know some of the guy's name on the team

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so when I meet on the street or the ball park I'll

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be able to saw hello to those people.

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Costello: Why, sure I'll introduce you to those people.

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They give them funny names though, Lou.

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Abbott: Oh, I know they give those ball players awfully funny names.

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Costello: Let's see on the team we have; "Who's" on first,

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"What's" on second, "I don't know's" on third,

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Abbott: You the manager?
Costello: Yes
Abbott: You know the guy's name?

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Costello: I should.

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Abbott: Good, well then tell me the guy's name.

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Costello: I say "Who's" on first, "What's" on second, "I don't know's" on third.

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Abbott: You the manager?

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Costello: Yes

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Abbott: You know the guy's name?

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Costello: I'm telling you their names!

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Abbott: Well, who's on first?
Costello: Yes.

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Abbott: Well then go ahead and tell me.
Costello: "Who"

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Abbott: The guy on first. 
Costello: "Who!"

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Abbott: The guy playing first base.

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Costello: "Who!"

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Abbott: The guy on first

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Costello: "Who!"
"Who" is on first base.

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Abbott: What are you asking me for? I'm asking you!

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Costello: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you

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Abbott: You ain't telling me nothing. I'm asking you who's on first?

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Costello: That's it!
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.

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Costello: "Who!"
Abbott: The guy on first base.

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Costello: That's his name!
Abbott: That's whose name?

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Costtello: Yes
Abbott: Well then tell me.

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Costello: That's the man's name!

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Abbott: Whose name?

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Costello: Yeah
Abbott: Well then go ahead and tell me!

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Costello: "Who" is on first?

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Abbott: What are you asking me for?

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I'm asking you who's on first.

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Costello: That's it.

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Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.

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Costello: "Who"

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Abbott: The guy on first!

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Costello: That's it.

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Abbott: What's the guy's name on first?

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Costello: No, "What's" on second?

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Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second!

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Costello: "Who's" on first?

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Abbott: That's what I'm asking you.

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Who's on first?

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Costello: Now wait a minute, just don't...don't change the players.

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Abbott: I'm not changing nobody! I asked you a simple question!

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Abbott: What's the guy's name on first base?

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Costello: "What's" the guy's name on second base?

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Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second!

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Costello: "Who" is on first?

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Abbott: I don't know.

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Costello: He's on third. Now we're not talking about him.

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Abbott: Look. You got a first baseman?

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Costello: Yes.

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Abbott: Then tell me the fella's name playing first.

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Costello: "Who."

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Abbott: They guy playing first.

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Costello: That's his name.

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Abbott: Wait. What's the guy's name on first base?

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Costello: "What" is the guy's name on second base.

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Abbott: Who's playing second?

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Costello: "Who's" playing first.

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Abbott: I don't know

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Costello: He's on third base. What's the matter with you?

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Abbott: Look. When you pay off the first baseman every month, who do you pay the money to?

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Costello: Every dollar of it.

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Abbott: Yeah. (Frustrated noise)

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Abbott: Look. You gotta pay the money to somebody on first base don't ya?

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Costello: Yeah

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Abbott: Does he give you a receipt?

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Costello: Yes.

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Abbott: How does he sign the receipt?

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"Who."

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The guy that you give the money to.

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That's how he signs it.

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That's how who signs it?

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Yes.

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Well go ahead and tell me.

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That's him.

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That's who?

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Yes.

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When you give the guy the money, don't he have to sign the receipt?

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He does, Lou.

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Well, how does he sign his name?

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"Who."

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The guy you give the receipt!

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The guy who signs it signs it "Who."

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You. You dope.

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Now take it easy

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You just don't give money to somebody without him giving you a receipt.

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No. "Who" signs it.

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What are you asking me for?

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I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.

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Go ahead then. Tell me. What's the guy's name that signs the receipt on first base?

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Now wait a minute. "What" signs his own receipt.

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Who signs his own receipt?

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No. "Who" signs his.

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I'm asking you when the guy on first base gives you a piece of paper he puts his name on it. How does the fella's name on first base look to you when he signs his name?

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"Who."

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To you.

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That's how it looks.

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How does it look to you?

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"Who"

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To you?

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"WHO"

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To you?

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"WHO"

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Look. When the guy signs his name, how does it look to you?

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Now that's how it looks. "WHO."

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I"m asking you what's the guy's name on first base you give the money to?

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"WHO." After all, the man's entitled to it.

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Who is?

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Yes.

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Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

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Who's wife?

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Yeah. Sure.

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All I'm trying to find out is, what's the guy's name on first base.

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"What" is on second base.

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I'm not asking you who's on second.

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"Who's" on first.

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"I don't know"

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He's on Th-

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Third base. I know that.

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You got and outfield?

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Sure.

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What's the Left Fielder's name?

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"Why."

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I just thought I'd ask you.

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Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

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The left Fielder's name?

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"Why."

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Hmm. BECAUSE

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Nah. He's Center Field.

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UGH