1
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{Applause} 
Costello: How do you like my ball club Lou?

2
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Abbott: Hey all those people going to be at the game today?

3
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Costello: Certainly! Wow! It's going to be a whopper of a game!

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Abbott: Well, It should be!

5
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Costello: Hey Abbott, I understand they made you the manager of this here baseball team.

6
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Abbott: Why not? So you're the manager? 
Costello: I'm the manager.

7
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Abbott: Well you know, I'd like to know some of the guy's name on the team

8
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so when I meet on the street or the ball park I'll

9
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be able to saw hello to those people.

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Costello: Why, sure I'll introduce you to those people.

11
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They give them funny names though, Lou.

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Abbott: Oh, I know they give those ball players awfully funny names.

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Costello: Let's see on the team we have; "Who's" on first,

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"What's" on second, "I don't know's" on third,

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Abbott: You the manager?
Costello: Yes
Abbott: You know the guy's name?

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Costello: I should.

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Abbott: Good, well then tell me the guy's name.

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Costello: I say "Who's" on first, "What's" on second, "I don't know's" on third.

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Abbott: You the manager?

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Costello: Yes

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Abbott: You know the guy's name?

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Costello: I'm telling you their names!

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Abbott: Well, who's on first?
Costello: Yes.

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Abbott: Well then go ahead and tell me.
Costello: "Who"

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Abbott: The guy on first. 
Costello: "Who!"

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Abbott: The guy playing first base.

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Costello: "Who!"

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Abbott: The guy on first

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Costello: "Who!"
"Who" is on first base.

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Abbott: What are you asking me for? I'm asking you!

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Costello: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you

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Abbott: You ain't telling me nothing. I'm asking you who's on first?

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Costello: That's it!
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.

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Costello: "Who!"
Abbott: The guy on first base.

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Costello: That's his name!
Abbott: That's whose name?

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Costtello: Yes
Abbott: Well then tell me.

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Costello: That's the man's name!

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Abbott: Whose name?

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Costello: Yeah
Abbott: Well then go ahead and tell me!

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Costello: "Who" is on first?

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Abbott: What are you asking me for?

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I'm asking you who's on first.

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Costello: That's it.

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Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.

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Costello: "Who"

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Abbott: The guy on first!

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Abbott: What's the guy's name on first?

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Costello: No, "What's" on second?

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Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second!

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Costello: "Who's" on first?

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Abbott: That's what I'm asking you.

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Who's on first?

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Costello: Now wait a minute, just don't...don't change the players.

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Abbott: I'm not changing nobody! I asked you a simple question!

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Abbott: What's the guy's name on first base?

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Costello: "What's" the guy's name on second base?

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Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second!

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Costello: "Who" is on first?

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Abbott: I don't know.

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Costello: He's on third. Now we're not talking about him.

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Abbott: Look. You got a first baseman?

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Costello: Yes.

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Abbott: Then tell me the fella's name playing first.

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Costello: "Who."

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Abbott: They guy playing first.

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Costello: That's his name.

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Abbott: Wait. What's the guy's name on first base?

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Costello: "What" is the guy's name on second base.

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Abbott: Who's playing second?

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Costello: "Who's" playing first.

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Abbott: I don't know

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Costello: He's on third base. What's the matter with you?

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Abbott: Look. When you pay off the first baseman every month, who do you pay the money to?

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Costello: Every dollar of it.

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Abbott: Yeah. (Frustrated noise)

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Abbott: Look. You gotta pay the money to somebody on first base don't ya?

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Costello: Yeah

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Abbott: Does he give you a receipt?

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Costello: Yes.

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Abbott: How does he sign the receipt?

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"Who."

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The guy that you give the money to.

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That's how he signs it.

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That's how who signs it?

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Yes.

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Well go ahead and tell me.

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That's him.

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That's who?

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Yes.

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When you give the guy the money, don't he have to sign the receipt?

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He does, Lou.

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Well, how does he sign his name?

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"Who."

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The guy you give the receipt!

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The guy who signs it signs it "Who."

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You. You dope.

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Now take it easy

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You just don't give money to somebody without him giving you a receipt.

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No. "Who" signs it.

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What are you asking me for?

105
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I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.

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Go ahead then. Tell me. What's the guy's name that signs the receipt on first base?

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Now wait a minute. "What" signs his own receipt.

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Who signs his own receipt?

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No. "Who" signs his.

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I'm asking you when the guy on first base gives you a piece of paper he puts his name on it. How does the fella's name on first base look to you when he signs his name?

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"Who."

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To you.

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That's how it looks.

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How does it look to you?

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"Who"

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To you?

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"WHO"

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To you?

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"WHO"

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Look. When the guy signs his name, how does it look to you?

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Now that's how it looks. "WHO."

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I"m asking you what's the guy's name on first base you give the money to?

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"WHO." After all, the man's entitled to it.

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Who is?

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Yes.

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Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

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Who's wife?

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Yeah. Sure.

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All I'm trying to find out is, what's the guy's name on first base.

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"What" is on second base.

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I'm not asking you who's on second.

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"Who's" on first.

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"I don't know"

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He's on Th-

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Third base. I know that.

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You got and outfield?

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Sure.

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What's the Left Fielder's name?

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"Why."

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I just thought I'd ask you.

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Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

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The left Fielder's name?

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"Why."

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Hmm. BECAUSE

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Nah. He's Center Field.

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UGH

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(Applause)

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Costello: How do you like my long club Lou?

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Abbott: Hey all those people going to be at the game today?

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Costello: Certainly! Wow! It's going to be a whopper of a game!

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Abbott: Well, It should be!

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Costello: Hey Abbott, I understand they made you the manager of this here baseball team.

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Abbott: Why not? So you're the manager?

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Costello: I'm the manager.

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Abbott: Well you know, I'd like to know some of the guy's name on the team

156
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so when I meet on the street or the ball park I'll

157
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be able to saw hello to those people.

158
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COstello: Why, sure I'll introduce you to those people.

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The;y give them funny names though, Lou.

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Abbott: Oh, I know they give those ball players awfully funny names.

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Costello: Let's see on the team we have; Who's on first,

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"What's on second, "I don't know's on third,

163
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Abbott: You the manager:

164
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Costello: Yes

165
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Abbott: You know the guy's name?

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Costello: I should.

167
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Abbott: Good, well then tell me the guy's name.

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Costello: I say, "Who's on first, "What's on second, "I don't know's on third.

169
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Abbott: You the manager?

170
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Costello: Yes

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Abbott: You know the guy's name?

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Costello: I'm telling you their names!

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Abbott: Well, who's on first?

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Costello: Yes.

175
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Abbott: Well then go ahead and tell me.

176
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Costello: "Who!"

177
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Abbott: The guy playing first base.

178
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Costello: "Who!"

179
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Abbott: The guy on first

180
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Costello: "Who!"

181
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"Who" is on first!

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Abbott: What are you asking me for? I'm asking you!

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Costello: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you

184
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Abbott: You ain't telling me nothing. I'm asking you who's on first?

185
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Costello: That's it!

186
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Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.

187
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Costello: "Who!"

188
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Abbott: The guy on first base.

189
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Costello: That's his name!

190
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Abbott: That's who's name?

191
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Costello: Yes

192
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Abbott: Well then go ahead and tell me.

193
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Costello: That's the man's name!

194
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Abbott: That's whose name?

195
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Costello: Yeah

196
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Abbott: Well then go ahead and tell me!

197
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Costello: "Who" is on first.

198
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Abbott: What are you asking me for?

199
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I'm asking you who's on first.

200
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Costello: That's it.

201
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Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.

202
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Costello: "Who"

203
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Abbott: The guy on first!

204
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Costello: That's it.

205
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Abbott: What's the guy's name on first?

206
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Costello: No, What's on second.

207
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Abbott:I'm not asking you who's on second.

208
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Costello: Who's on first.

209
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Abbott: That's what I'm asking you, who's on first.

210
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Costello: Now wait now don't, don't change the play.

211
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Abbott: I'm not changing nobody.
I'm asking a simple question.

212
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Abott: What's the guy's name on first base?

213
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Costello: What's the guy's name on second base.

214
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Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second.

215
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Costello: Who is on first.

216
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Abbott: I don't know
Costello: He's on third.

217
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Costello: Now we're not talking about him.

218
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Abbott: Look. You got a first baseman?
Costello: Yes.

219
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Abbott: Then tell me the fellow's name playing first.

220
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Costello: Who.

221
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Abbott: The guy playing first.

222
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Costello: That's his name.

223
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Abbott: Wait. What's the guy's name on first base?

224
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Costello: What is the guy's name on second base.

225
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Abbott: Who's playing second?

226
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Costello: Who's playing first.

227
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Abbott: I don't know
Costello:He's on third base!

228
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<audience laughs>
Costello: What's the matter with you?

229
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Abbott: Look, when you pay off the first baseman every month,

230
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who do you pay the money to?

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Costello: Every dollar of it.

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Abbott: Yeah.

233
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<laughter>

234
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Abbott: Look, you gotta pay the money to somebody on first base, don't you?

235
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Abbott: Does he give you a receipt?
Costello: Sure

236
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Abbott: How does he sign the receipt?
Costello: Who.

237
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Abbott: The guy that you give the money to.

238
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<laughter>

239
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Costello: Who!

240
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Abbott: The guy you give the money to.

241
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Costello: That's how he signs it.

242
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Abbott: That's how who signs it?
Costello: Yes.

243
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Abbott: Go ahead and tell me.
Costello: That's it.

244
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Abbott: That's who?

245
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Costello: Yes!

246
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Abbott: When you give the guy the money, don't he have to sign a recipt?

247
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Costello: He does, Lou!

248
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Abbott: So how does he sign his name?

249
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Costello: Who!
Abbott: They guy you give the money to!!

250
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<inaudible over audience laughter>

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Abbott: You dope!
Costello: Now take it easy...

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Abbott: You don't just give money to somebody without him giving you a recipt.

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Costello: No, Who signs it.
Abbott: What are you asking ME for??

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Costello: Now, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.

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Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me, what's the guy's name that signs the receipt for first base?

256
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Costello: Now wait a minute, What signs his own receipts.

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Abbott: Who signs his own receipts?
Costello: No, Who signs his.

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Abbott: Wh... I'm asking you when the guy on first base

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gives you a piece of paper, he puts his name on it.

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Costello: No Who puts his name on it and What puts his name...

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Abbott: How does the fellow's name on first base look to you when he signs his name?

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Costello: Who.
Abbott: To you.
Costello:That's how it looks!

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Abbott: How does it look to you?
Costello: Who!

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Abbott: To you.
Costello: Who!

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Abbott: To you!
Costello: Who!

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Abbott: When the guy signs his name, how does it look to you?

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Costello: Look, that's how it looks... Who!

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Abbott: Who??
Costello: Who.

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Abbott: I'm asking you, what's the guy's name on first base that you give the money to?

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Costello: Who! After all the man's entitled to it.

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Abbott: Who is?
Costello: Yes.

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<laughter>

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Costello: Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

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Abbott: Who's wife?
Cotello: Yes, sure.

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Abbott: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base...

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Costello: What is on second base...
Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second.

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Costello: Who's on first
Abbott: I don't know...

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Together: Third base.
Abbott: I know that...

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Abbott: You got an outfield?
Costello: The left fielder's name?

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Abbott: I just thought I'd ask you.
Costello: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

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Abbott: The left fielder's name?
Costello: Why!

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Abbott: Hmm.

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Abbott: BECAUSE!
Costello: Ahhh...he's center field.

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<Abbott groans>

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Costello: You don't know these players as well as...

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Abbott: All I'm trying to find out is, what's the guy's name in left field?

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Costello: No, What is on second.

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Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second.

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Costello: Who's on first.
Abbott: I don't know,

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Together: Third base.

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<audience laughter>

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Abbott: You got a pitcher on the team?


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Costello: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

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Abbott: The pitcher's name?
Costello: Tomorrow.

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Abbott: You don't want to tell me today?
Costello: I'm telling you, Lou.

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Abbott: Then go ahead.
Costello: Tomorrow.

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Abbott: What time?
Costello: What time what?

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Abbott: What time tomorrow you going to tell me who's pitching?

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Costello: Now listen, Who is not...
Abbott: I'll break your arm if you say his on first!

300
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Abbott: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.

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Costello: What's on second.
Abbott: I don't know...

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Together: THIRD BASE.

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Abbott: You got a catcher?
Costello: Sure.

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Abbott: The catcher's name?
Costello: Today.

305
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Abbott: Today. You don't want to tell me...today...tomorrow, do you?

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<both laugh>

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Costello: I'm telling you.

308
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Abbott: So the catcher's name?

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Costello: Today.
Abbott: Today. And tomorrow's pitching.

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Costello: Now you've got it!

311
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Abbott: Now I've got it...

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<sounds of annoyance>

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Abbott: What we've got is a couple of days on the team.

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Costello: Well I can't help that.

315
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Abbott: Alright, now you know I'm a good catcher.

316
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Abbott: Now I get behind the plate and tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.

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Costtello: Yes...
Abbot: Now when he gets up me being a good catcher 
I'm going to throw they guy out at first base.

318
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Abbott: So the guy punts the ball, I pick up the ball, and I'm going to throw the guy out at first base.

319
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Abbott: So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

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Costello: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

321
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Abbott: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

322
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<audience laughter>

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Costello: But that's, that all you have...
Abbott: That's all I do is I throw the ball to first base.

324
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Abbott: Now who's got it?

325
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Costello: Naturally.

326
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Costello: Now you've got it.
Abbott: If I throw the ball to first base somebody's got to get the ball.

327
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Abbott: Now who's got it?
Costello: Naturally!
Abbott: Who?

328
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Costello: Naturally.

329
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<laughter>

330
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Abbott: Naturally?
Costello: Naturally.

331
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Abbott: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to 'Naturally'. He gets...

332
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Costello: No, no, no...
Abbott: Naturally get's the ball...and...

333
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Costello: You've thrown the ball to first base.

334
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Abbott:Then who gets it?
Costello: Naturally.

335
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Abbott: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

336
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Costello: No! No.
Abbott: That's who gets the ball..and...

337
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Costello: You throw the ball to Who.
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally.

338
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Abbott: That's what I'm saying!
Costello: You're not saying it that way!

339
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Abbott: I said 'I throw the ball to Naturally'!
Costello: No you don't!

340
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Abbott: I throw it to who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's what I'm saying!

341
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Abbott: I throw the ball to first base somebody's got to get it.

342
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Costello: So Who get's it.
Abbott: Naturally...Okay!

343
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Abbott: Now I ask you, who gets it?
Costello: Naturally.

344
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Abbott: Same as you!
Costello: No it's not!

345
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Abbott: I throw the ball to naturally.
Costello: You throw the ball to Who.

346
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Abbott: Then who gets it?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: He better get it!

347
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Abbott: So I throw the ball to first base, and whoever it is drops the ball,

348
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and the guy runs to second.


349
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now Who picks up the ball throws it to What.


350
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow,

351
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
triple play.

352
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Costello: Could be.

353
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Abbott: Another guy gets up and hits a long flyball to Because.

354
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: Why. I don't know. He's on third,

355
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Abbott: And I don't give a darn!

356
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<laughter>

357
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Costello: What'd you say?
Abbott: I said I don't give a darn.

358
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Costello: Oh, that's our shortstop.

359
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
<laughter and applause>