0:00:01.068,0:00:05.405
Thank you President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowan

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distinguished guests

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undistinguished guests

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you know who you are.

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Honored faculty, and creepy Spanish teacher.

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And thank you to all the graduating

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class of 2009, I realize most of you are hung over

0:00:19.853,0:00:21.421
have splitting headaches

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and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday, but

0:00:23.359,0:00:28.161
you can graduate until I finish, so listen up!

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When I was asked to make the commencement speech

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I immediately said yes

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then I went to look up what commencement meant.

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Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in

0:00:39.938,0:00:45.012
our house are Portia's and they are all written in Australlian

0:00:45.012,0:00:50.248
So, I had to break the word down myself, to find out

0:00:50.248,0:00:52.953
the meaning, commencement.

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Common and cement.

0:00:56.156,0:00:58.759
Common cement.

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You commonly see cement on sidewalks, sidewalks have cracks and if you step

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on a crack you break your mothers back. So there's that.

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But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.

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I thought that you had to be a famous alumi, alumnus, aluminum...

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I thought you had to graduate from the school.

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I didn't go to college, here, and I don't know if President Cowan knows...I didn't go to college at all...

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any college...And I'm not saying you wasted your time or money

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but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.

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Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers...

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I spent a lot of time here growing up, my mom worked at Newcom, and I would go there

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every time I needed to steal something out of her purse.

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But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal

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you're too far away and I'd never get away with it.

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I'm here because of you. I can't think of a more tenacious

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more courageous graduating class. I mean look at you

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all wearing your robes. Usually when you're wearing a robe at ten in the morning

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it means you've given up

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I'm here

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because I love New Orleans.

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I was born and raised here, and spent my formative years here

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and like you, while I was living here, I only did laundry six times.

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When I finished school I was completely lost. And by school

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I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished

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High School anyway. And I really had no ambition

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I didn't know what I wanted to do. I did everything

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I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender

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I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners

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I had no idea and I thought I'd just finally settle on some job

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and I'd make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have

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basic cable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan.

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And by the time I was your age I thought I knew who I was, but really, I had no idea

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Like, for example, when I was your age, I was dating men.

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So what I'm saying is that when your older, most of you will be gay.

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Is anybody writing this stuff down?

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Parents?

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Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life

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and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event

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I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time

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was killed in a car accident

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and I passed the accident and I didn't know it was her

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and I kept going, and I found out shortly after

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that it was her.

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And I was living in a basement apartment, and I had

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no money. I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor

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and the apartment was infested with fleas, and I was soul

0:04:20.760,0:04:24.031
searching, and I was like why is she suddenly gone and

0:04:24.031,0:04:26.266
there are fleas here?

0:04:26.266,0:04:28.376
I don't understand and there must be a purpose

0:04:28.376,0:04:30.904
and wouldn't it be convenient if we could just pick

0:04:30.904,0:04:33.949
up the phone and call God, and and ask these questions

0:04:33.949,0:04:37.110
and I started writing and what poured out of me was

0:04:37.110,0:04:40.451
an imaginary conversation with God, which was one sided

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and I finished writing it and I looked at it, and I said to

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myself -- and I hadn't even been doing stand up -- there

0:04:46.920,0:04:49.266
was no club in town, and I said I'm going to do this on the

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the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson

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at the time he was the king, and I'm gonna be the

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first woman on the history of the show to be called

0:04:57.633,0:04:59.305
over to sit down, and several years later

0:04:59.305,0:05:01.401
I was the first woman in the history of the show,

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and the only woman in the history of the show,

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to sit down, because of that phone conversation with

0:05:06.840,0:05:11.578
God that I wrote. And I started this path of standup

0:05:11.578,0:05:15.420
and it was successful, and it was great, but it was hard

0:05:15.420,0:05:18.671
because I was trying to please everybody, and I had this

0:05:18.671,0:05:21.321
secret that I was keeping that I was gay, and I thought that if

0:05:21.321,0:05:24.429
people found out they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't

0:05:24.429,0:05:27.169
laugh at me, then my career turned into -- I got my

0:05:27.169,0:05:30.002
own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of

0:05:30.002,0:05:34.935
success, and I thought what if they find out I'm gay? Then they'll never watch...

0:05:34.935,0:05:37.850
This was a long time ago, this was just when we had

0:05:37.850,0:05:47.014
White presidents. This was back, many years ago.

0:05:47.014,0:05:49.925
And I finally

0:05:49.925,0:05:52.853
decided that I was living with so much shame and so

0:05:52.853,0:05:56.256
much fear that I just couldn't live that way anymore

0:05:56.256,0:05:58.841
and I decided to come out, and make it creative

0:05:58.841,0:06:01.495
and my character would come out at the same time

0:06:01.495,0:06:03.263
and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't

0:06:03.263,0:06:05.946
to do anything but free myself from this heaviness that I was

0:06:05.946,0:06:09.670
carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest, and I thought "What's the worst

0:06:09.670,0:06:12.172
that could happen? I could loose my careeer..."

0:06:12.172,0:06:13.841
I did.

0:06:13.841,0:06:15.420
I lost my career.

0:06:15.420,0:06:18.045
The show was cancelled after six years without even telling

0:06:18.045,0:06:21.782
me, I read it in the paper.

0:06:21.782,0:06:25.033
The phone didn't ring for three years

0:06:25.033,0:06:27.355
I had no offers, nobody wanted to touch me

0:06:27.355,0:06:30.699
at all

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And yet, I was getting letters from kids

0:06:33.207,0:06:34.879
who almost committed suicide, but didn't

0:06:34.879,0:06:36.968
because of what I did

0:06:36.968,0:06:39.105
and I realized that I had a purpose

0:06:39.105,0:06:41.635
and it wasn't about me, and about celebrity

0:06:41.635,0:06:43.749
and I felt like I was being punished

0:06:43.749,0:06:45.339
and it was a bad time

0:06:45.339,0:06:47.417
and I was angry and I was sad

0:06:47.417,0:06:49.832
and then I was offered a talk show

0:06:49.832,0:06:51.845
and the people that offered me the talk show

0:06:51.845,0:06:53.981
tried to sell it, and most stations

0:06:53.981,0:06:55.516
didn't want to pick it up

0:06:55.516,0:06:57.184
most people didn't want to buy it because they

0:06:57.184,0:06:59.120
thought nobody would watch me

0:06:59.120,0:07:01.655
and really when I look back on it, I wouldn't

0:07:01.655,0:07:03.996
change a thing, because really it was so

0:07:03.996,0:07:06.527
important that I loose everything because I found

0:07:06.527,0:07:09.244
out what the most important thing is, is to be true

0:07:09.244,0:07:11.845
to yourself

0:07:11.845,0:07:14.234
and ultimately, that's what has gotten me to this place

0:07:14.234,0:07:17.337
I don't live in fear, I'm free, I don't have any secrets

0:07:17.337,0:07:19.554
and I know I'll always be OK because no matter

0:07:19.554,0:07:23.177
I know who I am.

0:07:23.177,0:07:25.279
So in conclusion, when I was younger

0:07:25.279,0:07:27.548
I thought success was something different

0:07:27.548,0:07:31.351
I thought, when I grow up, I want to be famous, I want to be a star

0:07:31.351,0:07:33.997
I want to be in movies, I want to see the world

0:07:33.997,0:07:37.824
drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies.

0:07:37.824,0:07:39.616
To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.

0:07:39.616,0:07:41.380
how many people thought it was boobies

0:07:41.380,0:07:42.829
by the way?

0:07:42.829,0:07:45.049
It's not -- its groupies

0:07:45.049,0:07:46.721
but my idea of success is different today

0:07:46.721,0:07:48.857
and as you'll grow, you will realize your definition of

0:07:48.857,0:07:50.270
success changes.

0:07:50.270,0:07:51.876
For many of you, today success is

0:07:51.876,0:07:55.777
being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila

0:07:55.777,0:07:57.960
for me, the most important thing in your life is to

0:07:57.960,0:08:00.189
live your life with integrity

0:08:00.189,0:08:02.232
and not to give in to peer pressure to try to be

0:08:02.232,0:08:03.450
something that you're not.

0:08:03.450,0:08:06.620
To live your life as an honest and compassionate person

0:08:06.620,0:08:08.501
to contribute in some way.

0:08:08.501,0:08:11.706
so to conclude my conclusion

0:08:11.706,0:08:13.994
follow your passion, stay true to yourself

0:08:13.994,0:08:15.839
never follow someone else's path

0:08:15.839,0:08:16.964
unless your in the woods and your lost

0:08:16.964,0:08:19.183
and you see a path, then by all means

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you should follow that

0:08:23.641,0:08:26.106
Don't give advice, it'll come back and bite you in the ass

0:08:26.106,0:08:28.145
don't take anyone's advice.

0:08:28.145,0:08:31.378
So my advice to you is to

0:08:31.378,0:08:33.981
be true to yourself and everything will be fine

0:08:33.981,0:08:35.762
and I know a lot of you are concerned about your future

0:08:35.762,0:08:38.409
but there is no need to worry, the economy is booming

0:08:38.409,0:08:41.355
the job market is wide open

0:08:41.355,0:08:44.446
the planet is just fine

0:08:44.446,0:08:45.292
it's gonna be great

0:08:45.292,0:08:47.094
You have already survived a hurricane

0:08:47.094,0:08:48.672
what else can happen to you?

0:08:48.672,0:08:50.808
And as I mentioned before, sometimes the most devestating

0:08:50.808,0:08:53.000
things that happen to you will teach you the most

0:08:53.000,0:08:54.535
and now you know the right questions to ask

0:08:54.535,0:09:00.468
for your first job interview, like, "Is it above sea level?"

0:09:00.468,0:09:02.047
so to conclude my conclusion that I've previously

0:09:02.047,0:09:05.279
concluded in my common cement speech

0:09:05.279,0:09:07.898
I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is like one big

0:09:07.898,0:09:09.895
Mardi Gras, but instead of showing people your boobs

0:09:09.895,0:09:12.821
show em your brain, and if they like what they see

0:09:12.821,0:09:15.793
you'll have more beads than you'll know what to do with

0:09:15.793,0:09:17.604
and you'll be drunk.

0:09:17.604,0:09:19.927
Most of the time.

0:09:19.927,0:09:22.396
So to the class of 2009 I say congratulations

0:09:22.396,0:09:24.106
and if you don't remember a thing I said today

0:09:24.106,0:09:26.033
just remember, you're gonna be OK

0:09:26.033,0:09:28.424
dum-do-do-du-dum

0:09:28.424,9:59:59.000
just dance