[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.07,0:00:05.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowan
Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.40,0:00:07.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,distinguished guests
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.21,0:00:08.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,undistinguished guests
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.51,0:00:09.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know who you are.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.94,0:00:13.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Honored faculty, and creepy Spanish teacher.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.01,0:00:17.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And thank you to all the graduating
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.08,0:00:19.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,class of 2009, I realize most of you are hung over
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.85,0:00:21.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have splitting headaches
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.42,0:00:23.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday, but
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.36,0:00:28.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can graduate until I finish, so listen up!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.16,0:00:30.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was asked to make the commencement speech
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.32,0:00:34.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I immediately said yes
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.22,0:00:36.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I went to look up what commencement meant.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.31,0:00:39.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.94,0:00:45.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our house are Portia's and they are all written in Australlian
Dialogue: 0,0:00:45.01,0:00:50.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I had to break the word down myself, to find out
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.25,0:00:52.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the meaning, commencement.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.95,0:00:56.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Common and cement.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.16,0:00:58.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Common cement.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.76,0:01:03.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You commonly see cement on sidewalks, sidewalks have cracks and if you step
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.16,0:01:11.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on a crack you break your mothers back. So there's that.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.80,0:01:17.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.48,0:01:20.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought that you had to be a famous alumi, alumnus, aluminum...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.82,0:01:25.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought you had to graduate from the school.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.87,0:01:31.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't go to college, here, and I don't know if President Cowan knows...I didn't go to college at all...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.63,0:01:35.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,any college...And I'm not saying you wasted your time or money
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.11,0:01:49.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.60,0:01:55.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.87,0:01:59.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spent a lot of time here growing up, my mom worked at Newcom, and I would go there
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.95,0:02:03.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,every time I needed to steal something out of her purse.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.20,0:02:05.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.29,0:02:08.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're too far away and I'd never get away with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.33,0:02:11.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm here because of you. I can't think of a more tenacious
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.48,0:02:14.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,more courageous graduating class. I mean look at you
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.90,0:02:18.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all wearing your robes. Usually when you're wearing a robe at ten in the morning
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.50,0:02:24.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it means you've given up
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.12,0:02:27.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm here
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.71,0:02:31.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I love New Orleans.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.81,0:02:33.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was born and raised here, and spent my formative years here
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.92,0:02:41.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and like you, while I was living here, I only did laundry six times.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.63,0:02:44.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I finished school I was completely lost. And by school
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.30,0:02:47.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.47,0:02:49.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,High School anyway. And I really had no ambition
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.94,0:02:53.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't know what I wanted to do. I did everything
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.84,0:02:57.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.41,0:03:01.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.58,0:03:07.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no idea and I thought I'd just finally settle on some job
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.25,0:03:10.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'd make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.17,0:03:13.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,basic cable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.36,0:03:18.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And by the time I was your age I thought I knew who I was, but really, I had no idea
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.30,0:03:27.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, for example, when I was your age, I was dating men.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.22,0:03:34.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what I'm saying is that when your older, most of you will be gay.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.18,0:03:37.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is anybody writing this stuff down?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.68,0:03:44.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Parents?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.46,0:03:47.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.79,0:03:52.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.73,0:03:57.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.40,0:04:00.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was killed in a car accident
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.34,0:04:03.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I passed the accident and I didn't know it was her
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.78,0:04:07.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I kept going, and I found out shortly after
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.35,0:04:09.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it was her.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.57,0:04:12.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was living in a basement apartment, and I had
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.32,0:04:17.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,no money. I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.99,0:04:20.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the apartment was infested with fleas, and I was soul
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.76,0:04:24.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,searching, and I was like why is she suddenly gone and
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.03,0:04:26.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are fleas here?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.27,0:04:28.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't understand and there must be a purpose
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.38,0:04:30.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and wouldn't it be convenient if we could just pick
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.90,0:04:33.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,up the phone and call God, and and ask these questions
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.95,0:04:37.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I started writing and what poured out of me was
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.11,0:04:40.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an imaginary conversation with God, which was one sided
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.45,0:04:43.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I finished writing it and I looked at it, and I said to
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.70,0:04:46.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,myself -- and I hadn't even been doing stand up -- there
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.92,0:04:49.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was no club in town, and I said I'm going to do this on the
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.27,0:04:51.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.69,0:04:54.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at the time he was the king, and I'm gonna be the
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.76,0:04:57.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,first woman on the history of the show to be called
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.63,0:04:59.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over to sit down, and several years later
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.30,0:05:01.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was the first woman in the history of the show,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.40,0:05:03.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the only woman in the history of the show,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.67,0:05:06.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to sit down, because of that phone conversation with
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.84,0:05:11.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God that I wrote. And I started this path of standup
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.58,0:05:15.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was successful, and it was great, but it was hard
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.42,0:05:18.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I was trying to please everybody, and I had this
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.67,0:05:21.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,secret that I was keeping that I was gay, and I thought that if
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.32,0:05:24.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people found out they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.43,0:05:27.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,laugh at me, then my career turned into -- I got my
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.17,0:05:30.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.00,0:05:34.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,success, and I thought what if they find out I'm gay? Then they'll never watch...
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.94,0:05:37.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This was a long time ago, this was just when we had
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.85,0:05:47.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,White presidents. This was back, many years ago.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.01,0:05:49.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I finally
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.92,0:05:52.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,decided that I was living with so much shame and so
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.85,0:05:56.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,much fear that I just couldn't live that way anymore
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.26,0:05:58.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I decided to come out, and make it creative
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.84,0:06:01.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my character would come out at the same time
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.50,0:06:03.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.26,0:06:05.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to do anything but free myself from this heaviness that I was
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.95,0:06:09.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest, and I thought "What's the worst
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.67,0:06:12.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that could happen? I could loose my careeer..."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.17,0:06:13.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.84,0:06:15.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I lost my career.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.42,0:06:18.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The show was cancelled after six years without even telling
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.04,0:06:21.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,me, I read it in the paper.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.78,0:06:25.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The phone didn't ring for three years
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.03,0:06:27.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no offers, nobody wanted to touch me
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.36,0:06:30.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at all
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.70,0:06:33.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet, I was getting letters from kids
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.21,0:06:34.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who almost committed suicide, but didn't
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.88,0:06:36.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because of what I did
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.97,0:06:39.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I realized that I had a purpose
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.10,0:06:41.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it wasn't about me, and about celebrity
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.64,0:06:43.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I felt like I was being punished
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.75,0:06:45.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was a bad time
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.34,0:06:47.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was angry and I was sad
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.42,0:06:49.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then I was offered a talk show
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.83,0:06:51.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the people that offered me the talk show
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.84,0:06:53.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tried to sell it, and most stations
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.98,0:06:55.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,didn't want to pick it up
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.52,0:06:57.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,most people didn't want to buy it because they
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.18,0:06:59.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,thought nobody would watch me
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.12,0:07:01.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and really when I look back on it, I wouldn't
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.66,0:07:03.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,change a thing, because really it was so
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.100,0:07:06.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,important that I loose everything because I found
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.53,0:07:09.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out what the most important thing is, is to be true
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.24,0:07:11.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to yourself
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.84,0:07:14.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and ultimately, that's what has gotten me to this place
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.23,0:07:17.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't live in fear, I'm free, I don't have any secrets
Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.34,0:07:19.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I know I'll always be OK because no matter
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.55,0:07:23.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know who I am.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.18,0:07:25.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So in conclusion, when I was younger
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.28,0:07:27.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought success was something different
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.55,0:07:31.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought, when I grow up, I want to be famous, I want to be a star
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.35,0:07:33.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to be in movies, I want to see the world
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.100,0:07:37.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.82,0:07:39.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.62,0:07:41.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how many people thought it was boobies
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.38,0:07:42.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by the way?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.83,0:07:45.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not -- its groupies
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.05,0:07:46.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but my idea of success is different today
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.72,0:07:48.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and as you'll grow, you will realize your definition of
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.86,0:07:50.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,success changes.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.27,0:07:51.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For many of you, today success is
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.88,0:07:55.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.78,0:07:57.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for me, the most important thing in your life is to
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.96,0:08:00.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,live your life with integrity
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.19,0:08:02.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not to give in to peer pressure to try to be
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.23,0:08:03.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,something that you're not.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.45,0:08:06.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To live your life as an honest and compassionate person
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.62,0:08:08.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to contribute in some way.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.50,0:08:11.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so to conclude my conclusion
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.71,0:08:13.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,follow your passion, stay true to yourself
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.99,0:08:15.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never follow someone else's path
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.84,0:08:16.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,unless your in the woods and your lost
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.96,0:08:19.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you see a path, then by all means
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.18,0:08:23.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you should follow that
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.64,0:08:26.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't give advice, it'll come back and bite you in the ass
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.11,0:08:28.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,don't take anyone's advice.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.14,0:08:31.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my advice to you is to
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.38,0:08:33.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be true to yourself and everything will be fine
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.98,0:08:35.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I know a lot of you are concerned about your future
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.76,0:08:38.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but there is no need to worry, the economy is booming
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.41,0:08:41.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the job market is wide open
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.36,0:08:44.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the planet is just fine
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.45,0:08:45.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's gonna be great
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.29,0:08:47.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have already survived a hurricane
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.09,0:08:48.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what else can happen to you?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.67,0:08:50.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as I mentioned before, sometimes the most devestating
Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.81,0:08:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,things that happen to you will teach you the most
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.00,0:08:54.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and now you know the right questions to ask
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.54,0:09:00.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for your first job interview, like, "Is it above sea level?"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.47,0:09:02.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so to conclude my conclusion that I've previously
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.05,0:09:05.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,concluded in my common cement speech
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.28,0:09:07.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is like one big
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.90,0:09:09.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mardi Gras, but instead of showing people your boobs
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.90,0:09:12.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,show em your brain, and if they like what they see
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.82,0:09:15.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you'll have more beads than you'll know what to do with
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.79,0:09:17.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you'll be drunk.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.60,0:09:19.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.93,0:09:22.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So to the class of 2009 I say congratulations
Dialogue: 0,0:09:22.40,0:09:24.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if you don't remember a thing I said today
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.11,0:09:26.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just remember, you're gonna be OK
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.03,0:09:28.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,dum-do-do-du-dum
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.42,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just dance