0:00:00.028,0:00:03.485
Thank you, President Cowan,[br]Mrs. President Cowan,

0:00:03.485,0:00:04.565
(audience laughs)

0:00:04.565,0:00:05.577
distinguished guests,

0:00:05.577,0:00:06.559
undistinguished guests,

0:00:06.559,0:00:07.559
you know who you are,

0:00:07.559,0:00:08.563
(audience laughs)

0:00:08.563,0:00:11.006
honored faculty,[br]and creepy Spanish teacher.

0:00:11.006,0:00:13.436
(audience laughs)

0:00:13.436,0:00:17.125
And thank you to all the graduating[br]class of 2009,

0:00:17.125,0:00:19.751
I realize most of you are hung over[br]and have splitting

0:00:19.751,0:00:21.859
headaches and haven't slept[br]since Fat Tuesday

0:00:21.859,0:00:24.289
but you can't graduate till I finish,[br]so listen up!

0:00:24.289,0:00:27.201
(audience cheers and applauses)

0:00:27.201,0:00:29.275
When I was asked to make[br]the commencement speech

0:00:29.275,0:00:32.286
I immediately said yes,

0:00:32.286,0:00:34.476
then I went to look up[br]what commencement meant,

0:00:34.476,0:00:35.647
(audience laughs)

0:00:35.647,0:00:38.418
which would have been easy if I had[br]a dictionary but most of the books

0:00:38.418,0:00:41.282
in our house are Portia's[br]and they are all written in Australian.

0:00:41.282,0:00:44.322
(audience laughs)

0:00:44.322,0:00:49.098
So, I had to break the word[br]down myself,

0:00:49.098,0:00:50.443
to find out the meaning.

0:00:50.443,0:00:53.606
Commencement.[br]Common and cement.

0:00:53.606,0:00:55.126
(audience laughs)

0:00:55.126,0:00:57.119
Common cement.

0:00:57.119,0:01:00.563
You commonly see cement on sidewalks.

0:01:00.563,0:01:04.355
Sidewalks have cracks and if you step[br]on a crack you break your mothers back.

0:01:04.355,0:01:05.775
(audience laughs)

0:01:05.775,0:01:07.375
So there's that.

0:01:07.375,0:01:10.615
(audience laughs)

0:01:10.615,0:01:14.037
But I'm honored that you've asked me here[br]to speak at your common cement.

0:01:14.037,0:01:16.107
(audience laughs)

0:01:16.107,0:01:20.673
I thought that you had to be a famous[br]alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,

0:01:20.673,0:01:23.103
you had to graduate from the school.

0:01:23.103,0:01:24.367
(audience laughs)

0:01:24.367,0:01:28.626
I didn't go to college, here,[br]and I don't know if President Cowan knows,

0:01:28.626,0:01:31.626
I didn't go to college at all,[br]any college.

0:01:31.626,0:01:34.619
And I'm not saying you wasted your time[br]or money but look at me,

0:01:34.619,0:01:35.858
I'm a huge celebrity.

0:01:35.858,0:01:42.688
(audience laughs and applauses)

0:01:48.068,0:01:50.688
Although I did graduate[br]from the school of hard knocks,

0:01:50.688,0:01:52.868
our mascot was the knockers.

0:01:52.868,0:01:54.608
(audience laughs)

0:01:54.608,0:01:56.464
I spent a lot of time here growing up.

0:01:56.464,0:01:58.774
My mom worked at Newcom[br]and I would go there

0:01:58.774,0:02:01.985
every time I needed to steal[br]something out of her purse.

0:02:01.985,0:02:04.164
But why am I here today?[br]Clearly not to steal.

0:02:04.164,0:02:06.838
You're too far away[br]and I'd never get away with it.

0:02:06.838,0:02:08.851
I'm here because of you.

0:02:08.851,0:02:12.951
Because I can't think of a more tenacious,[br]more courageous graduating class.

0:02:12.951,0:02:15.847
I mean, look at you all[br]wearing your robes.

0:02:15.847,0:02:17.467
Usually when you're wearing a robe

0:02:17.467,0:02:19.776
at ten in the morning, [br]it means you've given up.

0:02:19.776,0:02:23.319
(audience laughs)

0:02:23.319,0:02:24.712
I'm here

0:02:24.712,0:02:27.102
(audience laughs)

0:02:27.102,0:02:29.349
because I love New Orleans.

0:02:29.349,0:02:32.761
I was born and raised here,[br]I spent my formative years here,

0:02:32.761,0:02:36.278
and like you, while I was living here,[br]I only did laundry six times.

0:02:36.278,0:02:40.048
(audience laughs)

0:02:40.048,0:02:43.004
When I finished school[br]I was completely lost.

0:02:43.004,0:02:44.467
And by school, I mean middle school,

0:02:44.467,0:02:46.917
but I went ahead and finished[br]high school anyway.

0:02:46.917,0:02:49.737
And I really had no ambition.

0:02:49.737,0:02:53.361
I didn't know what I wanted to do.[br]I did everything.

0:02:53.361,0:02:56.621
I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,[br]I was a bartender,

0:02:56.621,0:03:00.622
I was a waitress, I painted houses,[br]I sold vacuum cleaners,

0:03:00.622,0:03:06.184
I had no idea and I thought[br]I'd just finally settle on some job

0:03:06.184,0:03:08.431
and I would make enough money[br]to pay my rent,

0:03:08.431,0:03:11.810
maybe have basic cable, maybe not,[br]I didn't really have a plan.

0:03:11.810,0:03:13.908
My point, is that by the time[br]I was your age,

0:03:13.908,0:03:17.338
I really thought I knew who I was,[br]but I had no idea.

0:03:17.338,0:03:20.085
Like, for example, when I was your age,[br]I was dating men.

0:03:20.085,0:03:26.135
(audience laughs and cheers)

0:03:26.135,0:03:29.542
So what I'm saying is when your older,[br]most of you will be gay.

0:03:29.542,0:03:34.002
(audience laughs)

0:03:34.002,0:03:35.864
Is anybody writing this stuff down?

0:03:35.864,0:03:37.198
Parents?

0:03:37.198,0:03:39.268
(audience laughs)

0:03:39.268,0:03:42.288
(Ellen laughs)

0:03:43.458,0:03:46.374
Anyway, I had no idea[br]what I wanted to do with my life

0:03:46.374,0:03:51.233
and the way I ended up on this path[br]was from a very tragic event.

0:03:51.233,0:03:54.664
I was maybe 19

0:03:54.664,0:03:58.680
and my girlfriend at the time[br]was killed in a car accident.

0:03:58.680,0:04:00.347
And I passed the accident

0:04:00.347,0:04:02.977
and I didn't know it was her[br]and I kept going.

0:04:02.977,0:04:06.958
And I found out shortly after[br]that it was her.

0:04:06.958,0:04:10.979
And I was living in a basement apartment.

0:04:10.979,0:04:14.491
I had no money,[br]I had no heat, no air.

0:04:14.491,0:04:18.590
I had a mattress on the floor[br]and the apartment was infested with fleas.

0:04:18.590,0:04:22.561
And I was soul-searching.[br]I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone

0:04:22.561,0:04:25.126
and there are fleas here?[br]I don't understand.

0:04:25.126,0:04:27.766
There must be a purpose[br]and wouldn't it be so convenient

0:04:27.766,0:04:31.844
if we could just pick up the phone[br]and call God, and ask these questions.

0:04:31.844,0:04:34.529
And I started writing[br]and what poured out of me

0:04:34.529,0:04:38.781
was an imaginary conversation with God,[br]which was one-sided,

0:04:38.781,0:04:43.751
and I finished writing it[br]and I looked at it and I said to myself --

0:04:43.751,0:04:47.180
and I hadn't even been doing stand-up,[br]ever, there was no club in town --

0:04:47.180,0:04:50.049
I said, "I'm going to do this[br]on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."

0:04:50.049,0:04:54.761
At the time he was the king, and I'm gonna be the

0:04:54.761,0:04:57.633
first woman on the history of the show to be called

0:04:57.633,0:04:59.305
over to sit down, and several years later

0:04:59.305,0:05:01.401
I was the first woman in the history of the show,

0:05:01.401,0:05:03.671
and the only woman in the history of the show,

0:05:03.671,0:05:06.840
to sit down, because of that phone conversation with

0:05:06.840,0:05:11.578
God that I wrote. And I started this path of standup

0:05:11.578,0:05:15.420
and it was successful, and it was great, but it was hard

0:05:15.420,0:05:18.671
because I was trying to please everybody, and I had this

0:05:18.671,0:05:21.321
secret that I was keeping that I was gay, and I thought that if

0:05:21.321,0:05:24.429
people found out they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't

0:05:24.429,0:05:27.169
laugh at me, then my career turned into -- I got my

0:05:27.169,0:05:30.002
own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of

0:05:30.002,0:05:34.935
success, and I thought what if they find out I'm gay? Then they'll never watch...

0:05:34.935,0:05:37.850
This was a long time ago, this was just when we had

0:05:37.850,0:05:47.014
White presidents. This was back, many years ago.

0:05:47.014,0:05:49.925
And I finally

0:05:49.925,0:05:52.853
decided that I was living with so much shame and so

0:05:52.853,0:05:56.256
much fear that I just couldn't live that way anymore

0:05:56.256,0:05:58.841
and I decided to come out, and make it creative

0:05:58.841,0:06:01.495
and my character would come out at the same time

0:06:01.495,0:06:03.263
and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't

0:06:03.263,0:06:05.946
to do anything but free myself from this heaviness that I was

0:06:05.946,0:06:09.670
carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest, and I thought "What's the worst

0:06:09.670,0:06:12.172
that could happen? I could loose my careeer..."

0:06:12.172,0:06:13.841
I did.

0:06:13.841,0:06:15.420
I lost my career.

0:06:15.420,0:06:18.045
The show was cancelled after six years without even telling

0:06:18.045,0:06:21.782
me, I read it in the paper.

0:06:21.782,0:06:25.033
The phone didn't ring for three years

0:06:25.033,0:06:27.355
I had no offers, nobody wanted to touch me

0:06:27.355,0:06:30.699
at all

0:06:30.699,0:06:33.207
And yet, I was getting letters from kids

0:06:33.207,0:06:34.879
who almost committed suicide, but didn't

0:06:34.879,0:06:36.968
because of what I did

0:06:36.968,0:06:39.105
and I realized that I had a purpose

0:06:39.105,0:06:41.635
and it wasn't about me, and about celebrity

0:06:41.635,0:06:43.749
and I felt like I was being punished

0:06:43.749,0:06:45.339
and it was a bad time

0:06:45.339,0:06:47.417
and I was angry and I was sad

0:06:47.417,0:06:49.832
and then I was offered a talk show

0:06:49.832,0:06:51.845
and the people that offered me the talk show

0:06:51.845,0:06:53.981
tried to sell it, and most stations

0:06:53.981,0:06:55.516
didn't want to pick it up

0:06:55.516,0:06:57.184
most people didn't want to buy it because they

0:06:57.184,0:06:59.120
thought nobody would watch me

0:06:59.120,0:07:01.655
and really when I look back on it, I wouldn't

0:07:01.655,0:07:03.996
change a thing, because really it was so

0:07:03.996,0:07:06.527
important that I loose everything because I found

0:07:06.527,0:07:09.244
out what the most important thing is, is to be true

0:07:09.244,0:07:11.845
to yourself

0:07:11.845,0:07:14.234
and ultimately, that's what has gotten me to this place

0:07:14.234,0:07:17.337
I don't live in fear, I'm free, I don't have any secrets

0:07:17.337,0:07:19.554
and I know I'll always be OK because no matter

0:07:19.554,0:07:23.177
I know who I am.

0:07:23.177,0:07:25.279
So in conclusion, when I was younger

0:07:25.279,0:07:27.548
I thought success was something different

0:07:27.548,0:07:31.351
I thought, when I grow up, I want to be famous, I want to be a star

0:07:31.351,0:07:33.997
I want to be in movies, I want to see the world

0:07:33.997,0:07:37.824
drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies.

0:07:37.824,0:07:39.616
To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.

0:07:39.616,0:07:41.380
how many people thought it was boobies

0:07:41.380,0:07:42.829
by the way?

0:07:42.829,0:07:45.049
It's not -- its groupies

0:07:45.049,0:07:46.721
but my idea of success is different today

0:07:46.721,0:07:48.857
and as you'll grow, you will realize your definition of

0:07:48.857,0:07:50.270
success changes.

0:07:50.270,0:07:51.876
For many of you, today success is

0:07:51.876,0:07:55.777
being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila

0:07:55.777,0:07:57.960
for me, the most important thing in your life is to

0:07:57.960,0:08:00.189
live your life with integrity

0:08:00.189,0:08:02.232
and not to give in to peer pressure to try to be

0:08:02.232,0:08:03.450
something that you're not.

0:08:03.450,0:08:06.620
To live your life as an honest and compassionate person

0:08:06.620,0:08:08.501
to contribute in some way.

0:08:08.501,0:08:11.706
so to conclude my conclusion

0:08:11.706,0:08:13.994
follow your passion, stay true to yourself

0:08:13.994,0:08:15.839
never follow someone else's path

0:08:15.839,0:08:16.964
unless your in the woods and your lost

0:08:16.964,0:08:19.183
and you see a path, then by all means

0:08:19.183,0:08:23.641
you should follow that

0:08:23.641,0:08:26.106
Don't give advice, it'll come back and bite you in the ass

0:08:26.106,0:08:28.145
don't take anyone's advice.

0:08:28.145,0:08:31.378
So my advice to you is to

0:08:31.378,0:08:33.981
be true to yourself and everything will be fine

0:08:33.981,0:08:35.762
and I know a lot of you are concerned about your future

0:08:35.762,0:08:38.409
but there is no need to worry, the economy is booming

0:08:38.409,0:08:41.355
the job market is wide open

0:08:41.355,0:08:44.446
the planet is just fine

0:08:44.446,0:08:45.292
it's gonna be great

0:08:45.292,0:08:47.094
You have already survived a hurricane

0:08:47.094,0:08:48.672
what else can happen to you?

0:08:48.672,0:08:50.808
And as I mentioned before, sometimes the most devestating

0:08:50.808,0:08:53.000
things that happen to you will teach you the most

0:08:53.000,0:08:54.535
and now you know the right questions to ask

0:08:54.535,0:09:00.468
for your first job interview, like, "Is it above sea level?"

0:09:00.468,0:09:02.047
so to conclude my conclusion that I've previously

0:09:02.047,0:09:05.279
concluded in my common cement speech

0:09:05.279,0:09:07.898
I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is like one big

0:09:07.898,0:09:09.895
Mardi Gras, but instead of showing people your boobs

0:09:09.895,0:09:12.821
show em your brain, and if they like what they see

0:09:12.821,0:09:15.793
you'll have more beads than you'll know what to do with

0:09:15.793,0:09:17.604
and you'll be drunk.

0:09:17.604,0:09:19.927
Most of the time.

0:09:19.927,0:09:22.396
So to the class of 2009 I say congratulations

0:09:22.396,0:09:24.106
and if you don't remember a thing I said today

0:09:24.106,0:09:26.033
just remember, you're gonna be OK

0:09:26.033,0:09:28.424
dum-do-do-du-dum

0:09:28.424,9:59:59.000
just dance