Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowan,
(audience laughs)
distinguished guests,
undistinguished guests,
you know who you are,
(audience laughs)
honored faculty, and creepy Spanish teacher.
(audience laughs)
And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009,
I realize most of you are hung over and have splitting
headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday
but you can't graduate till I finish, so listen up!
(audience cheers and applauses)
When I was asked to make the commencement speech
I immediately said yes,
then I went to look up what commencement meant,
(audience laughs)
which would have been easy if I had a dictionary but most of the books
in our house are Portia's and they are all written in Australian.
(audience laughs)
So, I had to break the word down myself,
to find out the meaning.
Commencement. Common and cement.
(audience laughs)
Common cement.
You commonly see cement on sidewalks.
Sidewalks have cracks and if you step on a crack you break your mothers back.
(audience laughs)
So there's that.
(audience laughs)
But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.
(audience laughs)
I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,
you had to graduate from the school.
(audience laughs)
I didn't go to college, here, and I don't know if President Cowan knows,
I didn't go to college at all, any college.
And I'm not saying you wasted your time or money but look at me,
I'm a huge celebrity.
(audience laughs and applauses)
Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks,
our mascot was the knockers.
(audience laughs)
I spent a lot of time here growing up.
My mom worked at Newcom and I would go there
every time I needed to steal something out of her purse.
But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal.
You're too far away and I'd never get away with it.
I'm here because of you.
Because I can't think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class.
I mean, look at you all wearing your robes.
Usually when you're wearing a robe
at ten in the morning, it means you've given up.
(audience laughs)
I'm here
(audience laughs)
because I love New Orleans.
I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here,
and like you, while I was living here, I only did laundry six times.
(audience laughs)
When I finished school I was completely lost.
And by school, I mean middle school,
but I went ahead and finished high school anyway.
And I really had no ambition.
I didn't know what I wanted to do. I did everything.
I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender,
I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners,
I had no idea and I thought I'd just finally settle on some job
and I would make enough money to pay my rent,
maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan.
My point, is that by the time I was your age,
I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea.
Like, for example, when I was your age, I was dating men.
(audience laughs and cheers)
So what I'm saying is when your older, most of you will be gay.
(audience laughs)
Is anybody writing this stuff down?
Parents?
(audience laughs)
(Ellen laughs)
Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life
and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event.
I was maybe 19
and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident.
And I passed the accident
and I didn't know it was her and I kept going.
And I found out shortly after that it was her.
And I was living in a basement apartment.
I had no money, I had no heat, no air.
I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.
And I was soul-searching. I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone
and there are fleas here? I don't understand.
There must be a purpose and wouldn't it be so convenient
if we could just pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.
And I started writing and what poured out of me
was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided,
and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself --
and I hadn't even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town --
I said, "I'm going to do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."
At the time he was the king, and I'm gonna be the
first woman on the history of the show to be called
over to sit down, and several years later
I was the first woman in the history of the show,
and the only woman in the history of the show,
to sit down, because of that phone conversation with
God that I wrote. And I started this path of standup
and it was successful, and it was great, but it was hard
because I was trying to please everybody, and I had this
secret that I was keeping that I was gay, and I thought that if
people found out they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't
laugh at me, then my career turned into -- I got my
own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of
success, and I thought what if they find out I'm gay? Then they'll never watch...
This was a long time ago, this was just when we had
White presidents. This was back, many years ago.
And I finally
decided that I was living with so much shame and so
much fear that I just couldn't live that way anymore
and I decided to come out, and make it creative
and my character would come out at the same time
and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't
to do anything but free myself from this heaviness that I was
carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest, and I thought "What's the worst
that could happen? I could loose my careeer..."
I did.
I lost my career.
The show was cancelled after six years without even telling
me, I read it in the paper.
The phone didn't ring for three years
I had no offers, nobody wanted to touch me
at all
And yet, I was getting letters from kids
who almost committed suicide, but didn't
because of what I did
and I realized that I had a purpose
and it wasn't about me, and about celebrity
and I felt like I was being punished
and it was a bad time
and I was angry and I was sad
and then I was offered a talk show
and the people that offered me the talk show
tried to sell it, and most stations
didn't want to pick it up
most people didn't want to buy it because they
thought nobody would watch me
and really when I look back on it, I wouldn't
change a thing, because really it was so
important that I loose everything because I found
out what the most important thing is, is to be true
to yourself
and ultimately, that's what has gotten me to this place
I don't live in fear, I'm free, I don't have any secrets
and I know I'll always be OK because no matter
I know who I am.
So in conclusion, when I was younger
I thought success was something different
I thought, when I grow up, I want to be famous, I want to be a star
I want to be in movies, I want to see the world
drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies.
To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.
how many people thought it was boobies
by the way?
It's not -- its groupies
but my idea of success is different today
and as you'll grow, you will realize your definition of
success changes.
For many of you, today success is
being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila
for me, the most important thing in your life is to
live your life with integrity
and not to give in to peer pressure to try to be
something that you're not.
To live your life as an honest and compassionate person
to contribute in some way.
so to conclude my conclusion
follow your passion, stay true to yourself
never follow someone else's path
unless your in the woods and your lost
and you see a path, then by all means
you should follow that
Don't give advice, it'll come back and bite you in the ass
don't take anyone's advice.
So my advice to you is to
be true to yourself and everything will be fine
and I know a lot of you are concerned about your future
but there is no need to worry, the economy is booming
the job market is wide open
the planet is just fine
it's gonna be great
You have already survived a hurricane
what else can happen to you?
And as I mentioned before, sometimes the most devestating
things that happen to you will teach you the most
and now you know the right questions to ask
for your first job interview, like, "Is it above sea level?"
so to conclude my conclusion that I've previously
concluded in my common cement speech
I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is like one big
Mardi Gras, but instead of showing people your boobs
show em your brain, and if they like what they see
you'll have more beads than you'll know what to do with
and you'll be drunk.
Most of the time.
So to the class of 2009 I say congratulations
and if you don't remember a thing I said today
just remember, you're gonna be OK
dum-do-do-du-dum
just dance