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Thank you, President Cowan,
Mrs. President Cowan,

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(audience laughs)

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distinguished guests,

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undistinguished guests,

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you know who you are,

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(audience laughs)

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honored faculty,
and creepy Spanish teacher.

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(audience laughs)

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And thank you to all the graduating
class of 2009,

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I realize most of you are hung over
and have splitting

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headaches and haven't slept
since Fat Tuesday

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but you can't graduate till I finish,
so listen up!

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(audience cheers and applauses)

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When I was asked to make
the commencement speech

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I immediately said yes,

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then I went to look up
what commencement meant,

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(audience laughs)

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which would have been easy if I had
a dictionary but most of the books

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in our house are Portia's
and they are all written in Australian.

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(audience laughs)

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So, I had to break the word
down myself,

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to find out the meaning.

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Commencement.
Common and cement.

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(audience laughs)

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Common cement.

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You commonly see cement on sidewalks.

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Sidewalks have cracks and if you step
on a crack you break your mothers back.

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(audience laughs)

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So there's that.

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(audience laughs)

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But I'm honored that you've asked me here
to speak at your common cement.

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(audience laughs)

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I thought that you had to be a famous
alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,

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you had to graduate from the school.

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(audience laughs)

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I didn't go to college, here,
and I don't know if President Cowan knows,

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I didn't go to college at all,
any college.

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And I'm not saying you wasted your time
or money but look at me,

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I'm a huge celebrity.

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(audience laughs and applauses)

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Although I did graduate
from the school of hard knocks,

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our mascot was the knockers.

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(audience laughs)

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I spent a lot of time here growing up.

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My mom worked at Newcom
and I would go there

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every time I needed to steal
something out of her purse.

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But why am I here today?
Clearly not to steal.

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You're too far away
and I'd never get away with it.

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I'm here because of you.

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Because I can't think of a more tenacious,
more courageous graduating class.

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I mean, look at you all
wearing your robes.

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Usually when you're wearing a robe

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at ten in the morning, 
it means you've given up.

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(audience laughs)

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I'm here

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(audience laughs)

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because I love New Orleans.

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I was born and raised here,
I spent my formative years here,

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and like you, while I was living here,
I only did laundry six times.

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(audience laughs)

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When I finished school
I was completely lost.

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And by school, I mean middle school,

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but I went ahead and finished
high school anyway.

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And I really had no ambition.

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I didn't know what I wanted to do.
I did everything.

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I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,
I was a bartender,

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I was a waitress, I painted houses,
I sold vacuum cleaners,

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I had no idea and I thought
I'd just finally settle on some job

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and I would make enough money
to pay my rent,

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maybe have basic cable, maybe not,
I didn't really have a plan.

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My point, is that by the time
I was your age,

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I really thought I knew who I was,
but I had no idea.

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Like, for example, when I was your age,
I was dating men.

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(audience laughs and cheers)

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So what I'm saying is when your older,
most of you will be gay.

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(audience laughs)

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Is anybody writing this stuff down?

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Parents?

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(audience laughs)

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(Ellen laughs)

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Anyway, I had no idea
what I wanted to do with my life

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and the way I ended up on this path
was from a very tragic event.

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I was maybe 19

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and my girlfriend at the time
was killed in a car accident.

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And I passed the accident

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and I didn't know it was her
and I kept going.

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And I found out shortly after
that it was her.

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And I was living in a basement apartment.

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I had no money,
I had no heat, no air.

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I had a mattress on the floor
and the apartment was infested with fleas.

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And I was soul-searching.
I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone

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and there are fleas here?
I don't understand.

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There must be a purpose
and wouldn't it be so convenient

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if we could just pick up the phone
and call God, and ask these questions.

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And I started writing
and what poured out of me

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was an imaginary conversation with God,
which was one-sided,

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and I finished writing it
and I looked at it and I said to myself --

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and I hadn't even been doing stand-up,
ever, there was no club in town --

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I said, "I'm going to do this
on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."

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At the time he was the king, and I'm gonna be the

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first woman on the history of the show to be called

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over to sit down, and several years later

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I was the first woman in the history of the show,

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and the only woman in the history of the show,

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to sit down, because of that phone conversation with

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God that I wrote. And I started this path of standup

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and it was successful, and it was great, but it was hard

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because I was trying to please everybody, and I had this

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secret that I was keeping that I was gay, and I thought that if

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people found out they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't

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laugh at me, then my career turned into -- I got my

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own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of

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success, and I thought what if they find out I'm gay? Then they'll never watch...

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This was a long time ago, this was just when we had

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White presidents. This was back, many years ago.

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And I finally

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decided that I was living with so much shame and so

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much fear that I just couldn't live that way anymore

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and I decided to come out, and make it creative

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and my character would come out at the same time

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and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't

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to do anything but free myself from this heaviness that I was

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carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest, and I thought "What's the worst

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that could happen? I could loose my careeer..."

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I did.

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I lost my career.

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The show was cancelled after six years without even telling

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me, I read it in the paper.

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The phone didn't ring for three years

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I had no offers, nobody wanted to touch me

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at all

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And yet, I was getting letters from kids

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who almost committed suicide, but didn't

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because of what I did

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and I realized that I had a purpose

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and it wasn't about me, and about celebrity

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and I felt like I was being punished

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and it was a bad time

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and I was angry and I was sad

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and then I was offered a talk show

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and the people that offered me the talk show

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tried to sell it, and most stations

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didn't want to pick it up

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most people didn't want to buy it because they

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thought nobody would watch me

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and really when I look back on it, I wouldn't

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change a thing, because really it was so

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important that I loose everything because I found

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out what the most important thing is, is to be true

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to yourself

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and ultimately, that's what has gotten me to this place

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I don't live in fear, I'm free, I don't have any secrets

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and I know I'll always be OK because no matter

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I know who I am.

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So in conclusion, when I was younger

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I thought success was something different

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I thought, when I grow up, I want to be famous, I want to be a star

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I want to be in movies, I want to see the world

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drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies.

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To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.

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how many people thought it was boobies

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by the way?

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It's not -- its groupies

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but my idea of success is different today

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and as you'll grow, you will realize your definition of

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success changes.

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For many of you, today success is

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being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila

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for me, the most important thing in your life is to

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live your life with integrity

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and not to give in to peer pressure to try to be

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something that you're not.

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To live your life as an honest and compassionate person

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to contribute in some way.

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so to conclude my conclusion

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follow your passion, stay true to yourself

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never follow someone else's path

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unless your in the woods and your lost

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and you see a path, then by all means

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you should follow that

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Don't give advice, it'll come back and bite you in the ass

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don't take anyone's advice.

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So my advice to you is to

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be true to yourself and everything will be fine

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and I know a lot of you are concerned about your future

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but there is no need to worry, the economy is booming

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the job market is wide open

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the planet is just fine

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it's gonna be great

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You have already survived a hurricane

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what else can happen to you?

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And as I mentioned before, sometimes the most devestating

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things that happen to you will teach you the most

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and now you know the right questions to ask

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for your first job interview, like, "Is it above sea level?"

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so to conclude my conclusion that I've previously

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concluded in my common cement speech

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I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is like one big

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Mardi Gras, but instead of showing people your boobs

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show em your brain, and if they like what they see

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you'll have more beads than you'll know what to do with

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and you'll be drunk.

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Most of the time.

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So to the class of 2009 I say congratulations

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and if you don't remember a thing I said today

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just remember, you're gonna be OK

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dum-do-do-du-dum

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just dance