0:00:00.028,0:00:03.485 Thank you, President Cowan,[br]Mrs. President Cowan, 0:00:03.485,0:00:04.565 (audience laughs) 0:00:04.565,0:00:05.577 distinguished guests, 0:00:05.577,0:00:06.559 undistinguished guests, 0:00:06.559,0:00:07.559 you know who you are, 0:00:07.559,0:00:08.563 (audience laughs) 0:00:08.563,0:00:11.006 honored faculty,[br]and creepy Spanish teacher. 0:00:11.006,0:00:13.436 (audience laughs) 0:00:13.436,0:00:17.125 And thank you to all the graduating[br]class of 2009, 0:00:17.125,0:00:19.751 I realize most of you are hung over[br]and have splitting 0:00:19.751,0:00:21.859 headaches and haven't slept[br]since Fat Tuesday 0:00:21.859,0:00:24.289 but you can't graduate till I finish,[br]so listen up. 0:00:24.289,0:00:27.201 (cheers and applause) 0:00:27.201,0:00:29.275 When I was asked to make[br]the commencement speech 0:00:29.275,0:00:31.376 I immediately said yes. 0:00:32.286,0:00:34.476 Then I went to look up[br]what commencement meant, 0:00:34.476,0:00:35.647 (audience laughs) 0:00:35.647,0:00:38.418 which would have been easy if I had[br]a dictionary but most of the books 0:00:38.418,0:00:41.282 in our house are Portia's[br]and they are all written in Australian. 0:00:41.282,0:00:44.322 (audience laughs) 0:00:44.322,0:00:49.098 So, I had to break the word[br]down myself, 0:00:49.098,0:00:50.443 to find out the meaning. 0:00:50.443,0:00:53.606 Commencement.[br]Common and cement. 0:00:53.606,0:00:55.126 (audience laughs) 0:00:55.126,0:00:57.119 Common cement. 0:00:57.119,0:01:00.563 You commonly see cement on sidewalks. 0:01:00.563,0:01:04.355 Sidewalks have cracks and if you step[br]on a crack you break your mothers back. 0:01:04.355,0:01:05.775 (audience laughs) 0:01:05.775,0:01:07.375 So there's that. 0:01:07.375,0:01:10.615 (audience laughs) 0:01:10.615,0:01:14.037 But I'm honored that you've asked me here[br]to speak at your common cement. 0:01:14.037,0:01:16.107 (audience laughs) 0:01:16.107,0:01:20.673 I thought that you had to be a famous[br]alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus, 0:01:20.673,0:01:23.103 you had to graduate from the school. 0:01:23.103,0:01:24.367 (audience laughs) 0:01:24.367,0:01:28.626 I didn't go to college, here,[br]and I don't know if President Cowan knows, 0:01:28.626,0:01:31.626 I didn't go to college at all,[br]any college. 0:01:31.626,0:01:34.619 And I'm not saying you wasted your time[br]or money but look at me, 0:01:34.619,0:01:35.858 I'm a huge celebrity. 0:01:35.858,0:01:42.688 (audience laughs and applauses) 0:01:48.068,0:01:50.688 Although I did graduate[br]from the school of hard knocks. 0:01:50.688,0:01:52.868 Our mascot was the knockers. 0:01:52.868,0:01:54.608 (audience laughs) 0:01:54.608,0:01:56.464 I spent a lot of time here growing up. 0:01:56.464,0:01:58.774 My mom worked at Newcom[br]and I would go there 0:01:58.774,0:02:01.985 every time I needed to steal[br]something out of her purse. 0:02:01.985,0:02:04.164 But why am I here today?[br]Clearly not to steal. 0:02:04.164,0:02:06.838 You're too far away[br]and I'd never get away with it. 0:02:06.838,0:02:08.851 I'm here because of you. 0:02:08.851,0:02:12.951 Because I can't think of a more tenacious,[br]more courageous graduating class. 0:02:12.951,0:02:15.847 I mean, look at you all[br]wearing your robes. 0:02:15.847,0:02:17.467 Usually when you're wearing a robe 0:02:17.467,0:02:19.776 at ten in the morning, [br]it means you've given up. 0:02:19.776,0:02:23.319 (audience laughs) 0:02:23.319,0:02:24.712 I'm here 0:02:24.712,0:02:27.102 (audience laughs) 0:02:27.102,0:02:29.349 because I love New Orleans. 0:02:29.349,0:02:32.761 I was born and raised here,[br]I spent my formative years here, 0:02:32.761,0:02:36.278 and like you, while I was living here,[br]I only did laundry six times. 0:02:36.278,0:02:40.048 (audience laughs) 0:02:40.048,0:02:43.004 When I finished school[br]I was completely lost. 0:02:43.004,0:02:44.467 And by school, I mean middle school, 0:02:44.467,0:02:46.917 but I went ahead and finished[br]high school anyway. 0:02:46.917,0:02:49.737 And I really had no ambition. 0:02:49.737,0:02:53.361 I didn't know what I wanted to do.[br]I did everything. 0:02:53.361,0:02:56.621 I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,[br]I was a bartender, 0:02:56.621,0:03:00.622 I was a waitress, I painted houses,[br]I sold vacuum cleaners, 0:03:00.622,0:03:06.184 I had no idea and I thought[br]I'd just finally settle on some job 0:03:06.184,0:03:08.431 and I would make enough money[br]to pay my rent, 0:03:08.431,0:03:11.810 maybe have basic cable, maybe not,[br]I didn't really have a plan. 0:03:11.810,0:03:13.908 My point, is that by the time[br]I was your age, 0:03:13.908,0:03:17.338 I really thought I knew who I was,[br]but I had no idea. 0:03:17.338,0:03:20.085 Like, for example, when I was your age,[br]I was dating men. 0:03:20.085,0:03:26.135 (audience laughs and cheers) 0:03:26.135,0:03:29.542 So what I'm saying is when your older,[br]most of you will be gay. 0:03:29.542,0:03:34.002 (audience laughs) 0:03:34.002,0:03:35.864 Is anybody writing this stuff down? 0:03:35.864,0:03:37.198 Parents? 0:03:37.198,0:03:39.268 (audience laughs) 0:03:39.268,0:03:42.288 (Ellen laughs) 0:03:43.458,0:03:46.374 Anyway, I had no idea[br]what I wanted to do with my life 0:03:46.374,0:03:51.233 and the way I ended up on this path[br]was from a very tragic event. 0:03:51.233,0:03:54.664 I was maybe 19 0:03:54.664,0:03:58.680 and my girlfriend at the time[br]was killed in a car accident. 0:03:58.680,0:04:00.347 And I passed the accident 0:04:00.347,0:04:02.977 and I didn't know it was her[br]and I kept going. 0:04:02.977,0:04:06.958 And I found out shortly after[br]that it was her. 0:04:06.958,0:04:10.979 And I was living in a basement apartment. 0:04:10.979,0:04:14.491 I had no money,[br]I had no heat, no air. 0:04:14.491,0:04:18.590 I had a mattress on the floor[br]and the apartment was infested with fleas. 0:04:18.590,0:04:22.561 And I was soul-searching.[br]I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone 0:04:22.561,0:04:25.126 and there are fleas here?[br]I don't understand. 0:04:25.126,0:04:27.766 There must be a purpose.[br]And wouldn't it be so convenient 0:04:27.766,0:04:31.844 if we could just pick up the phone[br]and call God, and ask these questions?" 0:04:31.844,0:04:34.529 And I started writing[br]and what poured out of me 0:04:34.529,0:04:38.781 was an imaginary conversation with God,[br]which was one-sided, 0:04:38.781,0:04:43.751 and I finished writing it[br]and I looked at it and I said to myself -- 0:04:43.751,0:04:47.180 and I hadn't even been doing stand-up,[br]ever, there was no club in town -- 0:04:47.180,0:04:50.049 I said, "I'm going to do this[br]on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson." 0:04:50.049,0:04:52.831 At the time he was the king, and I'm[br]gonna be the 0:04:52.831,0:04:56.713 first woman in the history of the show[br]to be called over to sit down, 0:04:56.713,0:05:00.221 and several years later, I was the first[br]woman in the history of the show, 0:05:00.221,0:05:02.841 and the only woman in the history of the[br]show, to sit down, 0:05:02.841,0:05:06.840 because of that phone conversation with[br]God that I wrote. 0:05:06.840,0:05:13.958 And I started this path of standup and it[br]was successful and it was great, 0:05:13.958,0:05:17.270 but it was hard because I was trying to[br]please everybody, 0:05:17.270,0:05:20.281 and I had this secret that I was keeping[br]that I was gay, and I thought that if 0:05:20.281,0:05:24.149 people found out they wouldn't like me[br]and they wouldn't laugh at me. 0:05:24.149,0:05:29.029 Then my career turned into -- I got my own[br]sitcom, and that was very successful, 0:05:29.029,0:05:32.252 another level of success. And I thought,[br]"What if they find out I'm gay? 0:05:32.252,0:05:34.385 Then they'll never watch..." 0:05:34.385,0:05:37.510 This was a long time ago, this was just[br]when we had White presidents. 0:05:37.510,0:05:40.510 (audience laughs) 0:05:40.510,0:05:43.694 This was back, many years ago. 0:05:46.264,0:05:48.855 And I finally 0:05:48.855,0:05:52.003 decided that I was living with[br]so much shame, 0:05:52.003,0:05:55.606 and so much fear, that I just couldn't[br]live that way anymore 0:05:55.606,0:05:57.951 and I decided to come out, and[br]make it creative, 0:05:57.951,0:05:59.915 and my character would come out[br]at the same time, 0:05:59.915,0:06:02.073 and it wasn't to make a political[br]statement, it wasn't 0:06:02.073,0:06:05.176 to do anything but free myself up from[br]this heaviness that I was 0:06:05.176,0:06:07.780 carrying around, and I just wanted[br]to be... honest.[br] 0:06:07.780,0:06:10.962 And I thought "What's the worst that can[br]happen? I can loose my career..." 0:06:11.232,0:06:11.871 I did. 0:06:12.301,0:06:13.960 I lost my career. 0:06:13.960,0:06:17.715 The show was cancelled after six years[br]without even telling me. 0:06:17.715,0:06:19.962 I read it in the paper. 0:06:21.172,0:06:23.323 The phone didn't ring for three years. 0:06:24.503,0:06:27.355 I had no offers, nobody wanted to[br]touch me, at all. 0:06:30.149,0:06:33.227 And yet, I was getting letters from kids[br]that almost committed suicide, 0:06:33.227,0:06:34.879 but didn't because of what I did. 0:06:35.158,0:06:37.925 And I realized that I had a purpose. 0:06:37.925,0:06:41.035 And it wasn't just about me,[br]and it wasn't about celebrity. 0:06:41.035,0:06:43.969 But I felt like I was being punished,[br]and it was a bad time. 0:06:43.969,0:06:45.767 And I was angry, I was sad... 0:06:46.127,0:06:48.472 And then I was offered a talk show. 0:06:48.932,0:06:51.845 And the people that offered me[br]the talk show tried to sell it, 0:06:51.845,0:06:54.041 and most stations didn't want to[br]pick it up. 0:06:54.041,0:06:56.214 Most people didn't want to buy it[br]because they thought 0:06:56.214,0:06:58.010 nobody would watch me. 0:06:59.120,0:07:01.655 And really when I look back on it,[br]I wouldn't change a thing. 0:07:01.655,0:07:03.996 I mean, it was so important for me to[br]lose everything because 0:07:03.996,0:07:07.716 I found out what the most[br]important thing is: 0:07:07.716,0:07:09.067 is to be true to yourself. 0:07:11.315,0:07:14.234 and ultimately, that's what has gotten[br]me to this place. 0:07:14.234,0:07:17.337 I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have[br]no secrets 0:07:17.337,0:07:19.554 and I know I'll always be OK because[br]no matter what, I know how I am. 0:07:21.876,0:07:24.199 So in conclusion, when I was younger 0:07:24.199,0:07:27.108 I thought success was something different. 0:07:27.108,0:07:30.741 I thought, when I grow up, I want to be[br]famous, I want to be a star, 0:07:30.741,0:07:33.737 I want to be in movies. When I grow up,[br]I want to see the world, 0:07:33.737,0:07:35.967 drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies. 0:07:35.967,0:07:37.104 (audience laughs) 0:07:37.104,0:07:38.856 To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls. 0:07:38.856,0:07:41.029 How many people thought it[br]was boobies, by the way? 0:07:41.029,0:07:42.449 It's not -- its groupies. 0:07:43.569,0:07:46.421 But my idea of success is different[br]today, and as you grow 0:07:46.421,0:07:48.840 you'll realize the definition of[br]success changes. 0:07:48.840,0:07:51.876 For many of you, today, success is[br]being able to hold down 0:07:51.876,0:07:52.876 20 shots of tequila. 0:07:52.876,0:07:55.287 (audience laughs) 0:07:55.287,0:07:57.690 For me, the most important thing[br]in your life is to 0:07:57.690,0:07:59.619 live your life with integrity 0:07:59.619,0:08:02.800 and not to give in to peer pressure to[br]try to be something that you're not, 0:08:02.800,0:08:05.960 to live your life as an honest and[br]compassionate person, 0:08:05.960,0:08:07.991 to contribute in some way. 0:08:07.991,0:08:10.296 So to conclude my conclusion, 0:08:11.086,0:08:13.344 follow your passion,[br]stay true to yourself, 0:08:13.344,0:08:15.269 never follow someone else's path 0:08:15.269,0:08:16.794 unless you're in the woods and you're lost 0:08:16.794,0:08:19.363 and you see a path, then by all means[br]you should follow that. 0:08:23.122,0:08:25.846 Don't give advice, it'll come back and[br]bite you in the ass. 0:08:25.846,0:08:27.765 Don't take anyone's advice. 0:08:27.765,0:08:28.765 So my advice to you is to -- 0:08:28.765,0:08:30.678 (audience laughs) 0:08:30.678,0:08:33.481 be true to yourself and everything will be fine. 0:08:33.481,0:08:35.762 And I know a lot of you are concerned[br]about your future, 0:08:35.762,0:08:38.209 but there is no need to worry, the[br]economy is booming, 0:08:38.209,0:08:40.125 the job market is wide open, 0:08:40.125,0:08:41.805 the planet is just fine. 0:08:41.805,0:08:44.076 (audience laughs) 0:08:44.076,0:08:45.704 It's gonna be great.[br]You've already survived a hurricane, 0:08:45.704,0:08:47.322 what else can happen to you? 0:08:47.322,0:08:49.098 And as I mentioned before, some of [br]the most devastating things 0:08:49.098,0:08:51.090 that happen to you will teach you the most. 0:08:51.090,0:08:53.975 And now you know the right questions[br]to ask for your first job interview, 0:08:53.975,0:08:55.651 like, "Is it above sea level?" 0:08:55.651,0:08:59.228 (audience laughs) 0:08:59.228,0:09:02.047 So to conclude my conclusion that[br]I've previously concluded 0:09:02.047,0:09:04.129 in my common cement speech, 0:09:04.129,0:09:07.578 I guess what I'm trying to say is that[br]life is like one big Mardi Gras. 0:09:07.578,0:09:10.275 But instead of showing your boobs,[br]show people your brain. 0:09:10.275,0:09:12.531 And if they like what they see,[br]you'll have[br] 0:09:12.531,0:09:14.763 more beads than you'll know[br]what to do with. 0:09:14.763,0:09:15.804 And you'll be drunk. 0:09:15.804,0:09:16.824 Most of the time. 0:09:16.824,0:09:17.945 (audience laughs) 0:09:17.945,0:09:20.476 So to the Katrina class of 2009,[br]I say congratulations, 0:09:20.476,0:09:23.226 and if you don't remember a thing[br]I said today, 0:09:23.226,0:09:25.203 remember this: You're gonna be OK, 0:09:25.203,0:09:26.694 dum-duh-doom-doom-doom, 0:09:27.114,0:09:28.579 just dance. 0:09:28.579,0:09:30.630 (audience cheers)