1
00:00:00,028 --> 00:00:03,485
Thank you, President Cowan,
Mrs. President Cowan,

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00:00:03,485 --> 00:00:04,565
(audience laughs)

3
00:00:04,565 --> 00:00:05,577
distinguished guests,

4
00:00:05,577 --> 00:00:06,559
undistinguished guests,

5
00:00:06,559 --> 00:00:07,559
you know who you are,

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00:00:07,559 --> 00:00:08,563
(audience laughs)

7
00:00:08,563 --> 00:00:11,006
honored faculty,
and creepy Spanish teacher.

8
00:00:11,006 --> 00:00:13,436
(audience laughs)

9
00:00:13,436 --> 00:00:17,125
And thank you to all the graduating
class of 2009,

10
00:00:17,125 --> 00:00:19,751
I realize most of you are hung over
and have splitting

11
00:00:19,751 --> 00:00:21,859
headaches and haven't slept
since Fat Tuesday

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00:00:21,859 --> 00:00:24,289
but you can't graduate till I finish,
so listen up.

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00:00:24,289 --> 00:00:27,201
(cheers and applause)

14
00:00:27,201 --> 00:00:29,275
When I was asked to make
the commencement speech

15
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I immediately said yes.

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Then I went to look up
what commencement meant,

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(audience laughs)

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which would have been easy if I had
a dictionary but most of the books

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in our house are Portia's
and they are all written in Australian.

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00:00:41,282 --> 00:00:44,322
(audience laughs)

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00:00:44,322 --> 00:00:49,098
So, I had to break the word
down myself,

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to find out the meaning.

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00:00:50,443 --> 00:00:53,606
Commencement.
Common and cement.

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(audience laughs)

25
00:00:55,126 --> 00:00:57,119
Common cement.

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You commonly see cement on sidewalks.

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Sidewalks have cracks and if you step
on a crack you break your mothers back.

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00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:05,775
(audience laughs)

29
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So there's that.

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00:01:07,375 --> 00:01:10,615
(audience laughs)

31
00:01:10,615 --> 00:01:14,037
But I'm honored that you've asked me here
to speak at your common cement.

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00:01:14,037 --> 00:01:16,107
(audience laughs)

33
00:01:16,107 --> 00:01:20,673
I thought that you had to be a famous
alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,

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00:01:20,673 --> 00:01:23,103
you had to graduate from the school.

35
00:01:23,103 --> 00:01:24,367
(audience laughs)

36
00:01:24,367 --> 00:01:28,626
I didn't go to college, here,
and I don't know if President Cowan knows,

37
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I didn't go to college at all,
any college.

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And I'm not saying you wasted your time
or money but look at me,

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I'm a huge celebrity.

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00:01:35,858 --> 00:01:42,688
(audience laughs and applauses)

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00:01:48,068 --> 00:01:50,688
Although I did graduate
from the school of hard knocks.

42
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Our mascot was the knockers.

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00:01:52,868 --> 00:01:54,608
(audience laughs)

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I spent a lot of time here growing up.

45
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My mom worked at Newcom
and I would go there

46
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every time I needed to steal
something out of her purse.

47
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But why am I here today?
Clearly not to steal.

48
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You're too far away
and I'd never get away with it.

49
00:02:06,838 --> 00:02:08,851
I'm here because of you.

50
00:02:08,851 --> 00:02:12,951
Because I can't think of a more tenacious,
more courageous graduating class.

51
00:02:12,951 --> 00:02:15,847
I mean, look at you all
wearing your robes.

52
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Usually when you're wearing a robe

53
00:02:17,467 --> 00:02:19,776
at ten in the morning, 
it means you've given up.

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00:02:19,776 --> 00:02:23,319
(audience laughs)

55
00:02:23,319 --> 00:02:24,712
I'm here

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00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:27,102
(audience laughs)

57
00:02:27,102 --> 00:02:29,349
because I love New Orleans.

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I was born and raised here,
I spent my formative years here,

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00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:36,278
and like you, while I was living here,
I only did laundry six times.

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00:02:36,278 --> 00:02:40,048
(audience laughs)

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00:02:40,048 --> 00:02:43,004
When I finished school
I was completely lost.

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And by school, I mean middle school,

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but I went ahead and finished
high school anyway.

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And I really had no ambition.

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I didn't know what I wanted to do.
I did everything.

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I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,
I was a bartender,

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I was a waitress, I painted houses,
I sold vacuum cleaners,

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I had no idea and I thought
I'd just finally settle on some job

69
00:03:06,184 --> 00:03:08,431
and I would make enough money
to pay my rent,

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maybe have basic cable, maybe not,
I didn't really have a plan.

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My point, is that by the time
I was your age,

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I really thought I knew who I was,
but I had no idea.

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Like, for example, when I was your age,
I was dating men.

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00:03:20,085 --> 00:03:26,135
(audience laughs and cheers)

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00:03:26,135 --> 00:03:29,542
So what I'm saying is when your older,
most of you will be gay.

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00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:34,002
(audience laughs)

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00:03:34,002 --> 00:03:35,864
Is anybody writing this stuff down?

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Parents?

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00:03:37,198 --> 00:03:39,268
(audience laughs)

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(Ellen laughs)

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Anyway, I had no idea
what I wanted to do with my life

82
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and the way I ended up on this path
was from a very tragic event.

83
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I was maybe 19

84
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and my girlfriend at the time
was killed in a car accident.

85
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And I passed the accident

86
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and I didn't know it was her
and I kept going.

87
00:04:02,977 --> 00:04:06,958
And I found out shortly after
that it was her.

88
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And I was living in a basement apartment.

89
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I had no money,
I had no heat, no air.

90
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I had a mattress on the floor
and the apartment was infested with fleas.

91
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And I was soul-searching.
I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone

92
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and there are fleas here?
I don't understand.

93
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There must be a purpose.
And wouldn't it be so convenient

94
00:04:27,766 --> 00:04:31,844
if we could just pick up the phone
and call God, and ask these questions?"

95
00:04:31,844 --> 00:04:34,529
And I started writing
and what poured out of me

96
00:04:34,529 --> 00:04:38,781
was an imaginary conversation with God,
which was one-sided,

97
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and I finished writing it
and I looked at it and I said to myself --

98
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and I hadn't even been doing stand-up,
ever, there was no club in town --

99
00:04:47,180 --> 00:04:50,049
I said, "I'm going to do this
on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."

100
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At the time he was the king, and I'm
gonna be the

101
00:04:52,831 --> 00:04:56,713
first woman in the history of the show
to be called over to sit down,

102
00:04:56,713 --> 00:05:00,221
and several years later, I was the first
woman in the history of the show,

103
00:05:00,221 --> 00:05:02,841
and the only woman in the history of the
show, to sit down,

104
00:05:02,841 --> 00:05:06,840
because of that phone conversation with
God that I wrote.

105
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:13,958
And I started this path of standup and it
was successful and it was great,

106
00:05:13,958 --> 00:05:17,270
but it was hard because I was trying to
please everybody,

107
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and I had this secret that I was keeping
that I was gay, and I thought that if

108
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people found out they wouldn't like me
and they wouldn't laugh at me.

109
00:05:24,149 --> 00:05:29,029
Then my career turned into -- I got my own
sitcom, and that was very successful,

110
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another level of success. And I thought,
"What if they find out I'm gay?

111
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Then they'll never watch..."

112
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This was a long time ago, this was just
when we had White presidents.

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00:05:37,510 --> 00:05:40,510
(audience laughs)

114
00:05:40,510 --> 00:05:43,694
This was back, many years ago.

115
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And I finally

116
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decided that I was living with
so much shame,

117
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and so much fear, that I just couldn't
live that way anymore

118
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and I decided to come out, and
make it creative,

119
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and my character would come out
at the same time,

120
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and it wasn't to make a political
statement, it wasn't

121
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to do anything but free myself up from
this heaviness that I was

122
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carrying around, and I just wanted
to be... honest.


123
00:06:07,780 --> 00:06:10,962
And I thought "What's the worst that can
happen? I can loose my career..."

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I did.

125
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I lost my career.

126
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,715
The show was cancelled after six years
without even telling me.

127
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I read it in the paper.

128
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The phone didn't ring for three years.

129
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I had no offers, nobody wanted to
touch me, at all.

130
00:06:30,149 --> 00:06:33,227
And yet, I was getting letters from kids
that almost committed suicide,

131
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but didn't because of what I did.

132
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And I realized that I had a purpose.

133
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And it wasn't just about me,
and it wasn't about celebrity.

134
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But I felt like I was being punished,
and it was a bad time.

135
00:06:43,969 --> 00:06:45,767
And I was angry, I was sad...

136
00:06:46,127 --> 00:06:48,472
And then I was offered a talk show.

137
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And the people that offered me
the talk show tried to sell it,

138
00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:54,041
and most stations didn't want to
pick it up.

139
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Most people didn't want to buy it
because they thought

140
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nobody would watch me.

141
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And really when I look back on it,
I wouldn't change a thing.

142
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I mean, it was so important for me to
lose everything because

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I found out what the most
important thing is:

144
00:07:07,716 --> 00:07:09,067
is to be true to yourself.

145
00:07:11,315 --> 00:07:14,234
and ultimately, that's what has gotten
me to this place.

146
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I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have
no secrets

147
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and I know I'll always be OK because
no matter what, I know how I am.

148
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So in conclusion, when I was younger

149
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I thought success was something different.

150
00:07:27,108 --> 00:07:30,741
I thought, when I grow up, I want to be
famous, I want to be a star,

151
00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:33,737
I want to be in movies. When I grow up,
I want to see the world,

152
00:07:33,737 --> 00:07:35,967
drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies.

153
00:07:35,967 --> 00:07:37,104
(audience laughs)

154
00:07:37,104 --> 00:07:38,856
To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.

155
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How many people thought it
was boobies, by the way?

156
00:07:41,029 --> 00:07:42,449
It's not -- its groupies.

157
00:07:43,569 --> 00:07:46,421
But my idea of success is different
today, and as you grow

158
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you'll realize the definition of
success changes.

159
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For many of you, today, success is
being able to hold down

160
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20 shots of tequila.

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00:07:52,876 --> 00:07:55,287
(audience laughs)

162
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For me, the most important thing
in your life is to

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live your life with integrity

164
00:07:59,619 --> 00:08:02,800
and not to give in to peer pressure to
try to be something that you're not,

165
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:05,960
to live your life as an honest and
compassionate person,

166
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,991
to contribute in some way.

167
00:08:07,991 --> 00:08:10,296
So to conclude my conclusion,

168
00:08:11,086 --> 00:08:13,344
follow your passion,
stay true to yourself,

169
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never follow someone else's path

170
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unless you're in the woods and you're lost

171
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and you see a path, then by all means
you should follow that.

172
00:08:23,122 --> 00:08:25,846
Don't give advice, it'll come back and
bite you in the ass.

173
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Don't take anyone's advice.

174
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So my advice to you is to --

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(audience laughs)

176
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be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

177
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And I know a lot of you are concerned
about your future,

178
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but there is no need to worry, the
economy is booming,

179
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the job market is wide open,

180
00:08:40,125 --> 00:08:41,805
the planet is just fine.

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(audience laughs)

182
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It's gonna be great.
You've already survived a hurricane,

183
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what else can happen to you?

184
00:08:47,322 --> 00:08:49,098
And as I mentioned before, some of 
the most devastating things

185
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that happen to you will teach you the most.

186
00:08:51,090 --> 00:08:53,975
And now you know the right questions
to ask for your first job interview,

187
00:08:53,975 --> 00:08:55,651
like, "Is it above sea level?"

188
00:08:55,651 --> 00:08:59,228
(audience laughs)

189
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So to conclude my conclusion that
I've previously concluded

190
00:09:02,047 --> 00:09:04,129
in my common cement speech,

191
00:09:04,129 --> 00:09:07,578
I guess what I'm trying to say is that
life is like one big Mardi Gras.

192
00:09:07,578 --> 00:09:10,275
But instead of showing your boobs,
show people your brain.

193
00:09:10,275 --> 00:09:12,531
And if they like what they see,
you'll have


194
00:09:12,531 --> 00:09:14,763
more beads than you'll know
what to do with.

195
00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:15,804
And you'll be drunk.

196
00:09:15,804 --> 00:09:16,824
Most of the time.

197
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:17,945
(audience laughs)

198
00:09:17,945 --> 00:09:20,476
So to the Katrina class of 2009,
I say congratulations,

199
00:09:20,476 --> 00:09:23,226
and if you don't remember a thing
I said today,

200
00:09:23,226 --> 00:09:25,203
remember this: You're gonna be OK,

201
00:09:25,203 --> 00:09:26,694
dum-duh-doom-doom-doom,

202
00:09:27,114 --> 00:09:28,579
just dance.

203
00:09:28,579 --> 00:09:30,630
(audience cheers)