[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.03,0:00:03.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, President Cowan,\NMrs. President Cowan,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.48,0:00:04.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.56,0:00:05.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,distinguished guests,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.58,0:00:06.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,undistinguished guests,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.56,0:00:07.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know who you are,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.56,0:00:08.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.56,0:00:11.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,honored faculty,\Nand creepy Spanish teacher.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.01,0:00:13.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.44,0:00:17.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And thank you to all the graduating\Nclass of 2009,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.12,0:00:19.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realize most of you are hung over\Nand have splitting
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.75,0:00:21.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,headaches and haven't slept\Nsince Fat Tuesday
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.86,0:00:24.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but you can't graduate till I finish,\Nso listen up.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.29,0:00:27.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(cheers and applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.20,0:00:29.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was asked to make\Nthe commencement speech
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.28,0:00:31.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I immediately said yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.29,0:00:34.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I went to look up\Nwhat commencement meant,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.48,0:00:35.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.65,0:00:38.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which would have been easy if I had\Na dictionary but most of the books
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.42,0:00:41.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in our house are Portia's\Nand they are all written in Australian.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.28,0:00:44.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.32,0:00:49.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I had to break the word\Ndown myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.10,0:00:50.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to find out the meaning.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.44,0:00:53.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Commencement.\NCommon and cement.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.61,0:00:55.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.13,0:00:57.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Common cement.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.12,0:01:00.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You commonly see cement on sidewalks.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.56,0:01:04.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sidewalks have cracks and if you step\Non a crack you break your mothers back.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.36,0:01:05.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.78,0:01:07.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So there's that.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.38,0:01:10.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.62,0:01:14.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'm honored that you've asked me here\Nto speak at your common cement.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.04,0:01:16.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.11,0:01:20.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought that you had to be a famous\Nalumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.67,0:01:23.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you had to graduate from the school.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.10,0:01:24.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.37,0:01:28.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't go to college, here,\Nand I don't know if President Cowan knows,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.63,0:01:31.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't go to college at all,\Nany college.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.63,0:01:34.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm not saying you wasted your time\Nor money but look at me,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.62,0:01:35.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a huge celebrity.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.86,0:01:42.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs and applauses)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.07,0:01:50.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Although I did graduate\Nfrom the school of hard knocks.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.69,0:01:52.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our mascot was the knockers.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.87,0:01:54.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.61,0:01:56.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spent a lot of time here growing up.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.46,0:01:58.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mom worked at Newcom\Nand I would go there
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.77,0:02:01.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,every time I needed to steal\Nsomething out of her purse.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.98,0:02:04.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But why am I here today?\NClearly not to steal.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.16,0:02:06.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're too far away\Nand I'd never get away with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.84,0:02:08.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm here because of you.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.85,0:02:12.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because I can't think of a more tenacious,\Nmore courageous graduating class.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.95,0:02:15.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, look at you all\Nwearing your robes.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.85,0:02:17.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Usually when you're wearing a robe
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.47,0:02:19.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at ten in the morning, \Nit means you've given up.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.78,0:02:23.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.32,0:02:24.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm here
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.71,0:02:27.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.10,0:02:29.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I love New Orleans.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.35,0:02:32.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was born and raised here,\NI spent my formative years here,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.76,0:02:36.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and like you, while I was living here,\NI only did laundry six times.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.28,0:02:40.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.05,0:02:43.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I finished school\NI was completely lost.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.00,0:02:44.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And by school, I mean middle school,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.47,0:02:46.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I went ahead and finished\Nhigh school anyway.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.92,0:02:49.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I really had no ambition.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.74,0:02:53.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't know what I wanted to do.\NI did everything.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.36,0:02:56.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,\NI was a bartender,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.62,0:03:00.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was a waitress, I painted houses,\NI sold vacuum cleaners,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.62,0:03:06.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no idea and I thought\NI'd just finally settle on some job
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.18,0:03:08.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would make enough money\Nto pay my rent,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.43,0:03:11.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe have basic cable, maybe not,\NI didn't really have a plan.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.81,0:03:13.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My point, is that by the time\NI was your age,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.91,0:03:17.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really thought I knew who I was,\Nbut I had no idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.34,0:03:20.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, for example, when I was your age,\NI was dating men.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.08,0:03:26.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs and cheers)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.14,0:03:29.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what I'm saying is when your older,\Nmost of you will be gay.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.54,0:03:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.00,0:03:35.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is anybody writing this stuff down?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.86,0:03:37.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Parents?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.20,0:03:39.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.27,0:03:42.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Ellen laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.46,0:03:46.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anyway, I had no idea\Nwhat I wanted to do with my life
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.37,0:03:51.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the way I ended up on this path\Nwas from a very tragic event.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.23,0:03:54.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was maybe 19
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.66,0:03:58.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my girlfriend at the time\Nwas killed in a car accident.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.68,0:04:00.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I passed the accident
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.35,0:04:02.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I didn't know it was her\Nand I kept going.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.98,0:04:06.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I found out shortly after\Nthat it was her.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.96,0:04:10.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was living in a basement apartment.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.98,0:04:14.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no money,\NI had no heat, no air.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.49,0:04:18.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a mattress on the floor\Nand the apartment was infested with fleas.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.59,0:04:22.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was soul-searching.\NI was like, "Why is she suddenly gone
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.56,0:04:25.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there are fleas here?\NI don't understand.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.13,0:04:27.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There must be a purpose.\NAnd wouldn't it be so convenient
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.77,0:04:31.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we could just pick up the phone\Nand call God, and ask these questions?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.84,0:04:34.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I started writing\Nand what poured out of me
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.53,0:04:38.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was an imaginary conversation with God,\Nwhich was one-sided,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.78,0:04:43.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I finished writing it\Nand I looked at it and I said to myself --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.75,0:04:47.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I hadn't even been doing stand-up,\Never, there was no club in town --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.18,0:04:50.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, "I'm going to do this\Non the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.05,0:04:52.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At the time he was the king, and I'm\Ngonna be the
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.83,0:04:56.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,first woman in the history of the show\Nto be called over to sit down,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.71,0:05:00.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and several years later, I was the first\Nwoman in the history of the show,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.22,0:05:02.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the only woman in the history of the\Nshow, to sit down,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.84,0:05:06.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because of that phone conversation with\NGod that I wrote.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.84,0:05:13.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I started this path of standup and it\Nwas successful and it was great,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.96,0:05:17.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it was hard because I was trying to\Nplease everybody,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.27,0:05:20.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I had this secret that I was keeping\Nthat I was gay, and I thought that if
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.28,0:05:24.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people found out they wouldn't like me\Nand they wouldn't laugh at me.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.15,0:05:29.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then my career turned into -- I got my own\Nsitcom, and that was very successful,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.03,0:05:32.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,another level of success. And I thought,\N"What if they find out I'm gay?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.25,0:05:34.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then they'll never watch..."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.38,0:05:37.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This was a long time ago, this was just\Nwhen we had White presidents.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.51,0:05:40.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.51,0:05:43.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This was back, many years ago.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.26,0:05:48.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I finally
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.86,0:05:52.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,decided that I was living with\Nso much shame,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.00,0:05:55.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so much fear, that I just couldn't\Nlive that way anymore
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.61,0:05:57.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I decided to come out, and\Nmake it creative,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.95,0:05:59.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my character would come out\Nat the same time,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.92,0:06:02.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it wasn't to make a political\Nstatement, it wasn't
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.07,0:06:05.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to do anything but free myself up from\Nthis heaviness that I was
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.18,0:06:07.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,carrying around, and I just wanted\Nto be... honest.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.78,0:06:10.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought "What's the worst that can\Nhappen? I can loose my career..."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.23,0:06:11.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.30,0:06:13.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I lost my career.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.96,0:06:17.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The show was cancelled after six years\Nwithout even telling me.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.72,0:06:19.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I read it in the paper.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.17,0:06:23.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The phone didn't ring for three years.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:24.50,0:06:27.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no offers, nobody wanted to\Ntouch me, at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.15,0:06:33.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet, I was getting letters from kids\Nthat almost committed suicide,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.23,0:06:34.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but didn't because of what I did.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.16,0:06:37.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I realized that I had a purpose.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.92,0:06:41.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it wasn't just about me,\Nand it wasn't about celebrity.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.04,0:06:43.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I felt like I was being punished,\Nand it was a bad time.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.97,0:06:45.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was angry, I was sad...
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.13,0:06:48.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I was offered a talk show.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.93,0:06:51.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the people that offered me\Nthe talk show tried to sell it,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.84,0:06:54.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and most stations didn't want to\Npick it up.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.04,0:06:56.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most people didn't want to buy it\Nbecause they thought
Dialogue: 0,0:06:56.21,0:06:58.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,nobody would watch me.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.12,0:07:01.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And really when I look back on it,\NI wouldn't change a thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.66,0:07:03.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, it was so important for me to\Nlose everything because
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.100,0:07:07.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I found out what the most\Nimportant thing is:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.72,0:07:09.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to be true to yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.32,0:07:14.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and ultimately, that's what has gotten\Nme to this place.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.23,0:07:17.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have\Nno secrets
Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.34,0:07:19.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I know I'll always be OK because\Nno matter what, I know how I am.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.88,0:07:24.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So in conclusion, when I was younger
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.20,0:07:27.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought success was something different.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.11,0:07:30.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought, when I grow up, I want to be\Nfamous, I want to be a star,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.74,0:07:33.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to be in movies. When I grow up,\NI want to see the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.74,0:07:35.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.97,0:07:37.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.10,0:07:38.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:38.86,0:07:41.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How many people thought it\Nwas boobies, by the way?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.03,0:07:42.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not -- its groupies.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.57,0:07:46.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But my idea of success is different\Ntoday, and as you grow
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.42,0:07:48.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you'll realize the definition of\Nsuccess changes.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.84,0:07:51.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For many of you, today, success is\Nbeing able to hold down
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.88,0:07:52.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,20 shots of tequila.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.88,0:07:55.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.29,0:07:57.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For me, the most important thing\Nin your life is to
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.69,0:07:59.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,live your life with integrity
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.62,0:08:02.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not to give in to peer pressure to\Ntry to be something that you're not,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.80,0:08:05.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to live your life as an honest and\Ncompassionate person,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.96,0:08:07.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to contribute in some way.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.99,0:08:10.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So to conclude my conclusion,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.09,0:08:13.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,follow your passion,\Nstay true to yourself,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.34,0:08:15.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never follow someone else's path
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.27,0:08:16.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,unless you're in the woods and you're lost
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.79,0:08:19.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you see a path, then by all means\Nyou should follow that.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.12,0:08:25.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't give advice, it'll come back and\Nbite you in the ass.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.85,0:08:27.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't take anyone's advice.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.76,0:08:28.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my advice to you is to --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.76,0:08:30.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.68,0:08:33.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be true to yourself and everything will be fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.48,0:08:35.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I know a lot of you are concerned\Nabout your future,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.76,0:08:38.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but there is no need to worry, the\Neconomy is booming,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.21,0:08:40.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the job market is wide open,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.12,0:08:41.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the planet is just fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.80,0:08:44.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.08,0:08:45.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's gonna be great.\NYou've already survived a hurricane,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.70,0:08:47.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what else can happen to you?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.32,0:08:49.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as I mentioned before, some of \Nthe most devastating things
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.10,0:08:51.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that happen to you will teach you the most.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.09,0:08:53.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now you know the right questions\Nto ask for your first job interview,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.98,0:08:55.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like, "Is it above sea level?"
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.65,0:08:59.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.23,0:09:02.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So to conclude my conclusion that\NI've previously concluded
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.05,0:09:04.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in my common cement speech,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.13,0:09:07.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I guess what I'm trying to say is that\Nlife is like one big Mardi Gras.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.58,0:09:10.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But instead of showing your boobs,\Nshow people your brain.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.28,0:09:12.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if they like what they see,\Nyou'll have\N
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.53,0:09:14.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,more beads than you'll know\Nwhat to do with.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:14.76,0:09:15.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you'll be drunk.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.80,0:09:16.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.82,0:09:17.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.94,0:09:20.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So to the Katrina class of 2009,\NI say congratulations,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.48,0:09:23.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if you don't remember a thing\NI said today,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.23,0:09:25.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,remember this: You're gonna be OK,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.20,0:09:26.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,dum-duh-doom-doom-doom,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.11,0:09:28.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just dance.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.58,0:09:30.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience cheers)