Thank you, President Cowan,
Mrs. President Cowan,

(audience laughs)

distinguished guests,

undistinguished guests,

you know who you are,

(audience laughs)

honored faculty,
and creepy Spanish teacher.

(audience laughs)

And thank you to all the graduating
class of 2009,

I realize most of you are hung over
and have splitting

headaches and haven't slept
since Fat Tuesday

but you can't graduate till I finish,
so listen up.

(cheers and applause)

When I was asked to make
the commencement speech

I immediately said yes.

Then I went to look up
what commencement meant,

(audience laughs)

which would have been easy if I had
a dictionary but most of the books

in our house are Portia's
and they are all written in Australian.

(audience laughs)

So, I had to break the word
down myself,

to find out the meaning.

Commencement.
Common and cement.

(audience laughs)

Common cement.

You commonly see cement on sidewalks.

Sidewalks have cracks and if you step
on a crack you break your mothers back.

(audience laughs)

So there's that.

(audience laughs)

But I'm honored that you've asked me here
to speak at your common cement.

(audience laughs)

I thought that you had to be a famous
alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,

you had to graduate from the school.

(audience laughs)

I didn't go to college, here,
and I don't know if President Cowan knows,

I didn't go to college at all,
any college.

And I'm not saying you wasted your time
or money but look at me,

I'm a huge celebrity.

(audience laughs and applauses)

Although I did graduate
from the school of hard knocks.

Our mascot was the knockers.

(audience laughs)

I spent a lot of time here growing up.

My mom worked at Newcom
and I would go there

every time I needed to steal
something out of her purse.

But why am I here today?
Clearly not to steal.

You're too far away
and I'd never get away with it.

I'm here because of you.

Because I can't think of a more tenacious,
more courageous graduating class.

I mean, look at you all
wearing your robes.

Usually when you're wearing a robe

at ten in the morning, 
it means you've given up.

(audience laughs)

I'm here

(audience laughs)

because I love New Orleans.

I was born and raised here,
I spent my formative years here,

and like you, while I was living here,
I only did laundry six times.

(audience laughs)

When I finished school
I was completely lost.

And by school, I mean middle school,

but I went ahead and finished
high school anyway.

And I really had no ambition.

I didn't know what I wanted to do.
I did everything.

I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,
I was a bartender,

I was a waitress, I painted houses,
I sold vacuum cleaners,

I had no idea and I thought
I'd just finally settle on some job

and I would make enough money
to pay my rent,

maybe have basic cable, maybe not,
I didn't really have a plan.

My point, is that by the time
I was your age,

I really thought I knew who I was,
but I had no idea.

Like, for example, when I was your age,
I was dating men.

(audience laughs and cheers)

So what I'm saying is when your older,
most of you will be gay.

(audience laughs)

Is anybody writing this stuff down?

Parents?

(audience laughs)

(Ellen laughs)

Anyway, I had no idea
what I wanted to do with my life

and the way I ended up on this path
was from a very tragic event.

I was maybe 19

and my girlfriend at the time
was killed in a car accident.

And I passed the accident

and I didn't know it was her
and I kept going.

And I found out shortly after
that it was her.

And I was living in a basement apartment.

I had no money,
I had no heat, no air.

I had a mattress on the floor
and the apartment was infested with fleas.

And I was soul-searching.
I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone

and there are fleas here?
I don't understand.

There must be a purpose.
And wouldn't it be so convenient

if we could just pick up the phone
and call God, and ask these questions?"

And I started writing
and what poured out of me

was an imaginary conversation with God,
which was one-sided,

and I finished writing it
and I looked at it and I said to myself --

and I hadn't even been doing stand-up,
ever, there was no club in town --

I said, "I'm going to do this
on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."

At the time he was the king, and I'm
gonna be the

first woman in the history of the show
to be called over to sit down,

and several years later, I was the first
woman in the history of the show,

and the only woman in the history of the
show, to sit down,

because of that phone conversation with
God that I wrote.

And I started this path of standup and it
was successful and it was great,

but it was hard because I was trying to
please everybody,

and I had this secret that I was keeping
that I was gay, and I thought that if

people found out they wouldn't like me
and they wouldn't laugh at me.

Then my career turned into -- I got my own
sitcom, and that was very successful,

another level of success. And I thought,
"What if they find out I'm gay?

Then they'll never watch..."

This was a long time ago, this was just
when we had White presidents.

(audience laughs)

This was back, many years ago.

And I finally

decided that I was living with
so much shame,

and so much fear, that I just couldn't
live that way anymore

and I decided to come out, and
make it creative,

and my character would come out
at the same time,

and it wasn't to make a political
statement, it wasn't

to do anything but free myself up from
this heaviness that I was

carrying around, and I just wanted
to be... honest.

And I thought "What's the worst that can
happen? I can loose my career..."

I did.

I lost my career.

The show was cancelled after six years
without even telling me.

I read it in the paper.

The phone didn't ring for three years.

I had no offers, nobody wanted to
touch me, at all.

And yet, I was getting letters from kids
that almost committed suicide,

but didn't because of what I did.

And I realized that I had a purpose.

And it wasn't just about me,
and it wasn't about celebrity.

But I felt like I was being punished,
and it was a bad time.

And I was angry, I was sad...

And then I was offered a talk show.

And the people that offered me
the talk show tried to sell it,

and most stations didn't want to
pick it up.

Most people didn't want to buy it
because they thought

nobody would watch me.

And really when I look back on it,
I wouldn't change a thing.

I mean, it was so important for me to
lose everything because

I found out what the most
important thing is:

is to be true to yourself.

and ultimately, that's what has gotten
me to this place.

I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have
no secrets

and I know I'll always be OK because
no matter what, I know how I am.

So in conclusion, when I was younger

I thought success was something different.

I thought, when I grow up, I want to be
famous, I want to be a star,

I want to be in movies. When I grow up,
I want to see the world,

drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies.

(audience laughs)

To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.

How many people thought it
was boobies, by the way?

It's not -- its groupies.

But my idea of success is different
today, and as you grow

you'll realize the definition of
success changes.

For many of you, today, success is
being able to hold down

20 shots of tequila.

(audience laughs)

For me, the most important thing
in your life is to

live your life with integrity

and not to give in to peer pressure to
try to be something that you're not,

to live your life as an honest and
compassionate person,

to contribute in some way.

So to conclude my conclusion,

follow your passion,
stay true to yourself,

never follow someone else's path

unless you're in the woods and you're lost

and you see a path, then by all means
you should follow that.

Don't give advice, it'll come back and
bite you in the ass.

Don't take anyone's advice.

So my advice to you is to --

(audience laughs)

be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

And I know a lot of you are concerned
about your future,

but there is no need to worry, the
economy is booming,

the job market is wide open,

the planet is just fine.

(audience laughs)

It's gonna be great.
You've already survived a hurricane,

what else can happen to you?

And as I mentioned before, some of 
the most devastating things

that happen to you will teach you the most.

And now you know the right questions
to ask for your first job interview,

like, "Is it above sea level?"

(audience laughs)

So to conclude my conclusion that
I've previously concluded

in my common cement speech,

I guess what I'm trying to say is that
life is like one big Mardi Gras.

But instead of showing your boobs,
show people your brain.

And if they like what they see,
you'll have

more beads than you'll know
what to do with.

And you'll be drunk.

Most of the time.

(audience laughs)

So to the Katrina class of 2009,
I say congratulations,

and if you don't remember a thing
I said today,

remember this: You're gonna be OK,

dum-duh-doom-doom-doom,

just dance.

(audience cheers)