WEBVTT

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Thank you, President Cowan,
Mrs. President Cowan,

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(audience laughs)

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distinguished guests,

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undistinguished guests,

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you know who you are,

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(audience laughs)

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honored faculty,
and creepy Spanish teacher.

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(audience laughs)

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And thank you to all the graduating
class of 2009,

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I realize most of you are hung over
and have splitting

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headaches and haven't slept
since Fat Tuesday

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but you can't graduate till I finish,
so listen up.

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(cheers and applause)

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When I was asked to make
the commencement speech

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I immediately said yes.

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Then I went to look up
what commencement meant,

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(audience laughs)

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which would have been easy if I had
a dictionary but most of the books

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in our house are Portia's
and they are all written in Australian.

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(audience laughs)

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So, I had to break the word
down myself,

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to find out the meaning.

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Commencement.
Common and cement.

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(audience laughs)

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Common cement.

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You commonly see cement on sidewalks.

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Sidewalks have cracks and if you step
on a crack you break your mothers back.

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(audience laughs)

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So there's that.

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(audience laughs)

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But I'm honored that you've asked me here
to speak at your common cement.

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(audience laughs)

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I thought that you had to be a famous
alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,

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you had to graduate from the school.

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(audience laughs)

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I didn't go to college, here,
and I don't know if President Cowan knows,

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I didn't go to college at all,
any college.

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And I'm not saying you wasted your time
or money but look at me,

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I'm a huge celebrity.

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(audience laughs and applauses)

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Although I did graduate
from the school of hard knocks.

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Our mascot was the knockers.

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(audience laughs)

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I spent a lot of time here growing up.

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My mom worked at Newcom
and I would go there

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every time I needed to steal
something out of her purse.

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But why am I here today?
Clearly not to steal.

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You're too far away
and I'd never get away with it.

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I'm here because of you.

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Because I can't think of a more tenacious,
more courageous graduating class.

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I mean, look at you all
wearing your robes.

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Usually when you're wearing a robe

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at ten in the morning, 
it means you've given up.

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(audience laughs)

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I'm here

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(audience laughs)

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because I love New Orleans.

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I was born and raised here,
I spent my formative years here,

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and like you, while I was living here,
I only did laundry six times.

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(audience laughs)

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When I finished school
I was completely lost.

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And by school, I mean middle school,

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but I went ahead and finished
high school anyway.

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And I really had no ambition.

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I didn't know what I wanted to do.
I did everything.

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I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,
I was a bartender,

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I was a waitress, I painted houses,
I sold vacuum cleaners,

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I had no idea and I thought
I'd just finally settle on some job

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and I would make enough money
to pay my rent,

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maybe have basic cable, maybe not,
I didn't really have a plan.

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My point, is that by the time
I was your age,

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I really thought I knew who I was,
but I had no idea.

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Like, for example, when I was your age,
I was dating men.

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(audience laughs and cheers)

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So what I'm saying is when your older,
most of you will be gay.

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(audience laughs)

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Is anybody writing this stuff down?

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Parents?

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(audience laughs)

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(Ellen laughs)

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Anyway, I had no idea
what I wanted to do with my life

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and the way I ended up on this path
was from a very tragic event.

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I was maybe 19

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and my girlfriend at the time
was killed in a car accident.

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And I passed the accident

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and I didn't know it was her
and I kept going.

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And I found out shortly after
that it was her.

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And I was living in a basement apartment.

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I had no money,
I had no heat, no air.

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I had a mattress on the floor
and the apartment was infested with fleas.

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And I was soul-searching.
I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone

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and there are fleas here?
I don't understand.

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There must be a purpose.
And wouldn't it be so convenient

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if we could just pick up the phone
and call God, and ask these questions?"

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And I started writing
and what poured out of me

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was an imaginary conversation with God,
which was one-sided,

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and I finished writing it
and I looked at it and I said to myself --

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and I hadn't even been doing stand-up,
ever, there was no club in town --

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I said, "I'm going to do this
on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."

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At the time he was the king, and I'm
gonna be the

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first woman in the history of the show
to be called over to sit down,

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and several years later, I was the first
woman in the history of the show,

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and the only woman in the history of the
show, to sit down,

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because of that phone conversation with
God that I wrote.

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And I started this path of standup and it
was successful and it was great,

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but it was hard because I was trying to
please everybody,

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and I had this secret that I was keeping
that I was gay, and I thought that if

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people found out they wouldn't like me
and they wouldn't laugh at me.

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Then my career turned into -- I got my own
sitcom, and that was very successful,

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another level of success. And I thought,
"What if they find out I'm gay?

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Then they'll never watch..."

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This was a long time ago, this was just
when we had White presidents.

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(audience laughs)

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This was back, many years ago.

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And I finally

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decided that I was living with
so much shame,

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and so much fear, that I just couldn't
live that way anymore

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and I decided to come out, and
make it creative,

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and my character would come out
at the same time,

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and it wasn't to make a political
statement, it wasn't

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to do anything but free myself up from
this heaviness that I was

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carrying around, and I just wanted
to be... honest.


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And I thought "What's the worst that can
happen? I can loose my career..."

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I did.

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I lost my career.

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The show was cancelled after six years
without even telling me.

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I read it in the paper.

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The phone didn't ring for three years.

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I had no offers, nobody wanted to
touch me, at all.

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And yet, I was getting letters from kids
that almost committed suicide,

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but didn't because of what I did.

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And I realized that I had a purpose.

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And it wasn't just about me,
and it wasn't about celebrity.

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But I felt like I was being punished,
and it was a bad time.

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And I was angry, I was sad...

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And then I was offered a talk show.

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And the people that offered me
the talk show tried to sell it,

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and most stations didn't want to
pick it up.

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Most people didn't want to buy it
because they thought

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nobody would watch me.

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And really when I look back on it,
I wouldn't change a thing.

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I mean, it was so important for me to
lose everything because

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I found out what the most
important thing is:

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is to be true to yourself.

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and ultimately, that's what has gotten
me to this place.

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I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have
no secrets

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and I know I'll always be OK because
no matter what, I know how I am.

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So in conclusion, when I was younger

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I thought success was something different.

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I thought, when I grow up, I want to be
famous, I want to be a star,

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I want to be in movies. When I grow up,
I want to see the world,

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drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies.

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(audience laughs)

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To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.

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How many people thought it
was boobies, by the way?

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It's not -- its groupies.

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But my idea of success is different
today, and as you grow

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you'll realize the definition of
success changes.

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For many of you, today, success is
being able to hold down

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20 shots of tequila.

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(audience laughs)

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For me, the most important thing
in your life is to

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live your life with integrity

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and not to give in to peer pressure to
try to be something that you're not,

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to live your life as an honest and
compassionate person,

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to contribute in some way.

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So to conclude my conclusion,

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follow your passion,
stay true to yourself,

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never follow someone else's path

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unless you're in the woods and you're lost

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and you see a path, then by all means
you should follow that.

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Don't give advice, it'll come back and
bite you in the ass.

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Don't take anyone's advice.

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So my advice to you is to --

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(audience laughs)

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be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

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And I know a lot of you are concerned
about your future,

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but there is no need to worry, the
economy is booming,

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the job market is wide open,

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the planet is just fine.

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(audience laughs)

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It's gonna be great.
You've already survived a hurricane,

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what else can happen to you?

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And as I mentioned before, some of 
the most devastating things

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that happen to you will teach you the most.

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And now you know the right questions
to ask for your first job interview,

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like, "Is it above sea level?"

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(audience laughs)

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So to conclude my conclusion that
I've previously concluded

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in my common cement speech,

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I guess what I'm trying to say is that
life is like one big Mardi Gras.

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But instead of showing your boobs,
show people your brain.

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And if they like what they see,
you'll have


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more beads than you'll know
what to do with.

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And you'll be drunk.

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Most of the time.

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(audience laughs)

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So to the Katrina class of 2009,
I say congratulations,

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and if you don't remember a thing
I said today,

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remember this: You're gonna be OK,

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dum-duh-doom-doom-doom,

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just dance.

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(audience cheers)