Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowan,
(audience laughs)
distinguished guests,
undistinguished guests,
you know who you are,
(audience laughs)
honored faculty, and creepy Spanish teacher.
(audience laughs)
And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009,
I realize most of you are hung over and have splitting
headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday
but you can't graduate till I finish, so listen up.
(cheers and applause)
When I was asked to make the commencement speech
I immediately said yes.
Then I went to look up what commencement meant,
(audience laughs)
which would have been easy if I had a dictionary but most of the books
in our house are Portia's and they are all written in Australian.
(audience laughs)
So, I had to break the word down myself,
to find out the meaning.
Commencement. Common and cement.
(audience laughs)
Common cement.
You commonly see cement on sidewalks.
Sidewalks have cracks and if you step on a crack you break your mothers back.
(audience laughs)
So there's that.
(audience laughs)
But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.
(audience laughs)
I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,
you had to graduate from the school.
(audience laughs)
I didn't go to college, here, and I don't know if President Cowan knows,
I didn't go to college at all, any college.
And I'm not saying you wasted your time or money but look at me,
I'm a huge celebrity.
(audience laughs and applauses)
Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks.
Our mascot was the knockers.
(audience laughs)
I spent a lot of time here growing up.
My mom worked at Newcom and I would go there
every time I needed to steal something out of her purse.
But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal.
You're too far away and I'd never get away with it.
I'm here because of you.
Because I can't think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class.
I mean, look at you all wearing your robes.
Usually when you're wearing a robe
at ten in the morning, it means you've given up.
(audience laughs)
I'm here
(audience laughs)
because I love New Orleans.
I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here,
and like you, while I was living here, I only did laundry six times.
(audience laughs)
When I finished school I was completely lost.
And by school, I mean middle school,
but I went ahead and finished high school anyway.
And I really had no ambition.
I didn't know what I wanted to do. I did everything.
I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender,
I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners,
I had no idea and I thought I'd just finally settle on some job
and I would make enough money to pay my rent,
maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan.
My point, is that by the time I was your age,
I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea.
Like, for example, when I was your age, I was dating men.
(audience laughs and cheers)
So what I'm saying is when your older, most of you will be gay.
(audience laughs)
Is anybody writing this stuff down?
Parents?
(audience laughs)
(Ellen laughs)
Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life
and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event.
I was maybe 19
and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident.
And I passed the accident
and I didn't know it was her and I kept going.
And I found out shortly after that it was her.
And I was living in a basement apartment.
I had no money, I had no heat, no air.
I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.
And I was soul-searching. I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone
and there are fleas here? I don't understand.
There must be a purpose. And wouldn't it be so convenient
if we could just pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions?"
And I started writing and what poured out of me
was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided,
and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself --
and I hadn't even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town --
I said, "I'm going to do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."
At the time he was the king, and I'm gonna be the
first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down,
and several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show,
and the only woman in the history of the show, to sit down,
because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.
And I started this path of standup and it was successful and it was great,
but it was hard because I was trying to please everybody,
and I had this secret that I was keeping that I was gay, and I thought that if
people found out they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't laugh at me.
Then my career turned into -- I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful,
another level of success. And I thought, "What if they find out I'm gay?
Then they'll never watch..."
This was a long time ago, this was just when we had White presidents.
(audience laughs)
This was back, many years ago.
And I finally
decided that I was living with so much shame,
and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way anymore
and I decided to come out, and make it creative,
and my character would come out at the same time,
and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't
to do anything but free myself up from this heaviness that I was
carrying around, and I just wanted to be... honest.
And I thought "What's the worst that can happen? I can loose my career..."
I did.
I lost my career.
The show was cancelled after six years without even telling me.
I read it in the paper.
The phone didn't ring for three years.
I had no offers, nobody wanted to touch me, at all.
And yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide,
but didn't because of what I did.
And I realized that I had a purpose.
And it wasn't just about me, and it wasn't about celebrity.
But I felt like I was being punished, and it was a bad time.
And I was angry, I was sad...
And then I was offered a talk show.
And the people that offered me the talk show tried to sell it,
and most stations didn't want to pick it up.
Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought
nobody would watch me.
And really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing.
I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because
I found out what the most important thing is:
is to be true to yourself.
and ultimately, that's what has gotten me to this place.
I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets
and I know I'll always be OK because no matter what, I know how I am.
So in conclusion, when I was younger
I thought success was something different.
I thought, when I grow up, I want to be famous, I want to be a star,
I want to be in movies. When I grow up, I want to see the world,
drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies.
(audience laughs)
To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.
How many people thought it was boobies, by the way?
It's not -- its groupies.
But my idea of success is different today, and as you grow
you'll realize the definition of success changes.
For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down
20 shots of tequila.
(audience laughs)
For me, the most important thing in your life is to
live your life with integrity
and not to give in to peer pressure to try to be something that you're not,
to live your life as an honest and compassionate person,
to contribute in some way.
So to conclude my conclusion,
follow your passion, stay true to yourself,
never follow someone else's path
unless you're in the woods and you're lost
and you see a path, then by all means you should follow that.
Don't give advice, it'll come back and bite you in the ass.
Don't take anyone's advice.
So my advice to you is to --
(audience laughs)
be true to yourself and everything will be fine.
And I know a lot of you are concerned about your future,
but there is no need to worry, the economy is booming,
the job market is wide open,
the planet is just fine.
(audience laughs)
It's gonna be great. You've already survived a hurricane,
what else can happen to you?
And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things
that happen to you will teach you the most.
And now you know the right questions to ask for your first job interview,
like, "Is it above sea level?"
(audience laughs)
So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded
in my common cement speech,
I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is like one big Mardi Gras.
But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain.
And if they like what they see, you'll have
more beads than you'll know what to do with.
And you'll be drunk.
Most of the time.
(audience laughs)
So to the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations,
and if you don't remember a thing I said today,
remember this: You're gonna be OK,
dum-duh-doom-doom-doom,
just dance.
(audience cheers)